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Potash and Perlmutter: Their Copartnership Ventures and Adventures

<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> "Things goes pretty smooth for us lately, Mawruss," Abe Potash remarked, shortly after M. Garfunkel's failure. "I guess we are due for a schlag somewheres, ain't it?" "Always you got to kick," Morris cried. "If you would only listen to what I got to say oncet in a while, Abe, things would always go smooth." Abe emitted a raucous laugh. "Sure, I know," he said, "like this here tenement house proposition you was talking to me about, Mawruss. You ain't content we should have our troubles in the cloak and suit business, Mawruss, you got to go outside yet and find 'em. You got to go into the real estate business too." "Real-estaters ain't got no such trouble like we got it, Abe," Morris retorted. "There ain't no seasons in real estate, Abe. A tenement house this year is like a tenement house last year, Abe, also the year before. They ain't wearing stripes in tenement houses one year, Abe, and solid colors the next. All you do when you got a tenement house, Abe, is to go round and collect the rents, and when you got a customer for it you don't have to draw no report on him. Spot cash, he pays it, Abe, or else you get a mortgage as security." "You talk like Scheuer Blumenkrohn, Mawruss,[Pg 84] when he comes round here last year and wants to swap it two lots in Ozone Grove, Long Island, for a couple of hundred misses' reefers," Abe replied. "When I speculate, Mawruss, I take a hand at auction pinochle." "This ain't no speculation, Abe," said Morris. "This is an investment. I seen the house, Abe, six stories and basement stores, and you couldn't get another tenant into it with a shoehorn. It brings in a fine income, Abe." "Well, if that's the case, Mawruss," Abe rejoined, "why does Harris Rabin want to sell it? Houses ain't like cloaks and suits, Mawruss, you admit it yourself. We sell goods because we don't get no income by keepin' 'em. If we have our store full with cloaks, Mawruss, and they brought in a good income while they was in here, Mawruss, I wouldn't want to sell 'em, Mawruss; I'd want to keep 'em." "Sure," Morris replied. "But if the income was only four hundred and fifty dollars a month, and next month you got a daughter what was getting married to Alec Goldwasser, drummer for Klinger & Klein, and you got to give Alec a couple of thousand dollars with her, but you don't have no ready cash, then, Abe, you'd sell them cloaks, and so that's why Harris Rabin wants to sell the house." "I want to tell you something, Mawruss," Abe replied. "Harris Rabin could sell a phonograft to a deef-and-dummy. He could sell moving pictures to a home for the blind, Mawruss. He could also sell[Pg 85] anything he wanted to anybody, Mawruss, for you know as well as I do, Mawruss, Harris Rabin is a first-class, A-number-one salesman. And so, if he wants to sell his house so cheap there's lots of real-estaters what know a bargain in houses when they see it. We don't, Mawruss. We ain't real-estaters. We're in the cloak and suit business, and why should Harris Rabin be looking for us to buy his house?" "He ain't looking for us, Abe," Morris went on. "That's just the point. I was by Harris Rabin's house last night, and I seen no less than three real-estaters there. They all want that house, Abe, and if they want it, why shouldn't we? Ike Magnus makes Harris an offer of forty-eight thousand five hundred while I was sitting there already, but Harris wants forty-nine for it. I bet yer, Abe, we could get it for forty-eight seven-fifty—three thousand cash above the mortgages." "I suppose, Mawruss, you got three thousand lying loose around your pants' pocket. What?" "Three thousand to a firm like us is nothing, Abe. I bet yer I could go in and see Feder of the Kosciusko Bank and get it for the asking. We ain't so poor, Abe, but what we can buy a bargain when we see it." Abe shrugged his shoulders. "Well, Mawruss, if I got to hear about Harris Rabin's house for the rest of my life, all right. I'm agreeable, Mawruss; only, don't ask me to go to no lawyers' offices nor nothing, Mawruss. There's[Pg 86] enough to do in the store, Mawruss, without both of us loafing around lawyers' offices." A more grudging acquiescence than this would have satisfied Morris, and, without pausing for a cigar, he put on his hat and made straight for Harris Rabin's place of business. The Equinox Clothing Company of which Harris Rabin was president, board of directors and sole stockholder, occupied the third loft of a building on Walker Street. There was no elevator, and as Morris walked upstairs he encountered Ike Magnus at the first landing. "Hallo, Mawruss!" Ike cried. "Are you buying clothing now? I thought you was in the cloak and suit business." "Whatever business I'm in, Ike," Morris replied, "I'm in my own business, Ike; and what is somebody else's business ain't my business, Ike. That's the way I feel about it." He plodded slowly up the next flight, and there stood Samuel Michaelson, another real-estate operator. "Ah, Mr. Perlmutter!" Samuel exclaimed. "You get around to see the clothing trade once in a while, too. Ain't it?" "I get around to see all sorts of trade, Mr. Michaelson," Morris rejoined. "I got to get around and hustle to make a living, Mr. Michaelson, because, Mr. Michaelson, I can't make no living by loafing around street corners and buildings, Mr. Michaelson." "Don't mention it," said Mr. Michaelson as Morris[Pg 87] started up the last flight. When he entered the Equinox Clothing Company's office the clang of the bell drowned out the last words of Marks Henochstein's sentence. Mr. Henochstein, another member of the real-estate fraternity, was in intimate conference with Harris Rabin. "I think we got him going," he was saying. "My wife seen Mrs. Perlmutter at a Kaffeeklatsch yesterday, and she told her I made you an offer of forty-eight four-fifty for the house. Last night when he came around to your place I told him the house ain't no bargain for any one what ain't a real-estater, y'understand, and he gets quite mad about it. Also, I watched him when Ike Magnus tells you he would give forty-eight five for it, and he turned pale. If he——" At this juncture the doorbell rang and Morris entered. "No, siree, sir," Harris Rabin bawled. "Forty-nine thousand is my figure, and that ain't forty-eight nine ninety-nine neither." Here he recognized Morris Perlmutter with an elaborate start and extended his hand in greeting. "Hallo, Mawruss," he said. "Them real-estaters pester the life out of a feller. 'Tain't no use your hanging around here, Henochstein," he called in sterner tones. "When I make up my mind I make up my mind, and that's all there is to it." Henochstein turned in crestfallen silence and passed slowly out of the room. "Them sharks ain't satisfied that you're giving[Pg 88] away a house, Mawruss," Harris went on. "They want it you should let 'em have coupons and trading stamps with it." "How much did he offer you?" Morris asked. "Forty-eight five-fifty," Harris Rabin replied. "That feller's got a nerve like a horse." "Oh, I don't know," Morris murmured. "Forty-eight five-fifty is a good price for the house, Harris." "Is it?" Harris cried. "Well, maybe you think so, but you ain't such a griterion." Morris was visibly offended at so harsh a rejoinder. "I know I ain't, Harris," he said. "If I was I wouldn't be here, Harris. I come here like a friend, not like one of them—them—fellers what you talk about. If it wasn't that my Minnie is such a friend to your daughter Miriam I shouldn't bother myself; but, knowing Alec Goldwasser as I do, and being a friend of yours always up to now, Harris, I come to you and say I will give you forty-eight six hundred for the house, and that is my last word." Harris Rabin laughed aloud. "Jokes you are making it, Mawruss," he said. "A joke is a joke, but when a feller got all the trouble what I got it, as you know, Mawruss, he got a hard time seeing a joke, Mawruss." "That ain't no joke, Harris," Morris replied. "That's an offer, and I can sit right down now and make a memorandum if you want it, and pay you fifty dollars as a binder." "I'll tell you what I'll do, Mawruss," Harris said.[Pg 89] "You raised Henochstein fifty dollars, so I'll come down fifty dollars, and that'll be forty-eight thousand nine hundred and fifty." He grew suddenly excited and grabbed Morris by the arm. "Don't let's waste no time about it," he cried. "What's the use of memorandums? We go right away by Henry D. Feldman and fix up the contract." "Hold on." Morris said with a stare that blended frigidity and surprise in just the right proportions. "I ain't said nothing about forty-eight nine-fifty. What I said was forty-eight six." "You don't mean that, Mawruss," Harris replied. "You mean forty-eight nine." Morris saw that the psychological moment had arrived. "Look-y here, now, Harris," he said. "Forty-eight six from forty-eight nine is three hundred. Ain't it?" Harris nodded. "Then," Morris announced, "we'll split the difference and make it forty-eight seven-fifty." For one thoughtful moment Harris remained silent, and then he clapped his hand into that of Morris. "Done!" he cried. Twenty days elapsed, during which Potash & Perlmutter took title to Harris Rabin's house and paid the balance of the purchase price, moieties of which found their way into the pockets of Magnus, Michaelson and Henochstein. At length, the first of the[Pg 90] month arrived and Abe and Morris left the store early so that they might collect the rents of their real property. "I seen the house, Abe, and you seen the house," Morris said as they turned the corner of the crowded East Side street on which their property fronted, "but you can't tell nothing from looking at a property, Abe. When you get the rents, Abe, that's when you find it out that you got a fine property, Abe." He led the way up the front stoop of the tenement and knocked at the first door on the left-hand side. There was no response. "They must be out. Ain't it?" Abe suggested. Morris faced about and knocked on the opposite door, with a similar lack of response. "I guess they go out to work and lock up their rooms," Morris explained. "We should have came here after seven o'clock." They walked to the end of the hall and knocked on the door of one of the two rear apartments. "Come!" said a female voice. Morris opened the door and they entered. "We've come for the rent," he said. "Him and me is the new landlords." The tenant excused herself while she retired to one of the inner rooms and explored her person for the money. Then she handed Morris ten greasy one-dollar bills. "What's this?" Morris cried. "I thought the rear[Pg 91] rooms were fourteen dollars a month. I saw the receipts made out last month." The tenant grinned fiendishly. "Sure you did," she replied. "We've been getting all kinds of receipts. Oncet we got a receipt for eighteen dollars, when dere was some vacancies in de house, but one of de syndicate says he'd get some more of dem 'professional' tenants, because it didn't look so good to a feller what comes snooping around for to buy the house, to see such high rents." "Syndicate?" Abe murmured. "Professional tenants?" "Sure," the tenant replied. "Dere was four to de syndicate. Magnus was one. Sumpin about a hen was de other, and den dere was dis here Rabin and a guy called Michaelson." "And what is this about professional tenants?" Morris croaked. "Oh, dere was twenty-four families in de house, includin' de housekeeper," the tenant replied. "Eighteen of 'em was professionals, and when de syndicate sold youse de house de professionals moved up to a house on Fourt' Street what de syndicate owns." Abe pulled his hat over his eyes and thrust his hands into his trousers' pockets. "S'enough, lady," he said; "I heard enough already." He turned to Morris. "Yes, Mawruss," he said bitterly. "You're right.[Pg 92] There ain't no seasons in real estate nor in suckers neither, Mawruss. You can catch 'em every day in the year, Mawruss. I'm going home, but if you need an express wagon to carry away them rents, Mawruss, there's a livery stable around the corner." It was at least a week before Abe could bring himself to address his partner, save in the gruffest monosyllables; but an unusual rush of spring customers brought about a reconciliation, and Abe and Morris forgot their real-estate venture in the reception of out-of-town trade. In the conduct of their business Morris devoted himself to manufacturing and shipping the goods, while Abe attended to the selling end. Twice a year Abe made a long trip to the West or South, with shorter trips down East between times, and he never tired of reminding his partner how overworked he, Abe, was. "I got my hands full, Mawruss," he said, after he had greeted half a dozen Western customers; "I got enough to do here, Mawruss, without running around the country. We ought to do what other houses does, Mawruss. We ought to get a good salesman. We got three thousand dollars to throw away on real estate, Mawruss; why don't we make an investment like Sammet Brothers made it? Why don't we invest in a crackerjack, A-number-one salesman?" "I ain't stopping you, Abe," Morris replied. "Why don't we? Klinger & Klein has a good boy, Alec Goldwasser. He done a big trade for 'em, Abe, and they don't pay him much, neither." [Pg 93]"Alec Goldwasser!" Abe cried. "I'm surprised to hear you, Mawruss, you should talk that way. We paid Alec Goldwasser enough already, Mawruss. We paid him that two thousand dollars what he got with Miriam Rabin." Morris looked guilty. "Ain't I told you yet, Abe?" he said. "I thought I told you." "You ain't told me nothing," said Abe. "Why, Alec Goldwasser and Miriam Rabin ain't engaged no longer. The way my Minnie tells me, Rabin says he don't want his daughter should marry a man without a business of his own, so the match is off." "Well, Mawruss," Abe commented, "you can't make me feel bad by telling me that. But anyhow, I don't see no medals on Alec Goldwasser as a salesman, neither. He ain't such a salesman what we want it, Mawruss." "All right," Morris replied. "It's you what goes on the road, not me, and you meet all the drummers. Suggest somebody yourself." Abe pondered for a moment. "There's Louis Mintz," he said finally. "He works by Sammet Brothers. He's a high-priced man, Mawruss, but he's worth it." "Sure he's worth it," Morris rejoined, "and he knows it, too. I bet yer he's making five thousand a year by Sammet Brothers." "I know it," said Abe, "but his contract expires in[Pg 94] a month from now, and it ain't no cinch to work for Sammet Brothers, neither, Mawruss. I bet yer Louis' got throat trouble, talking into a customer them garments what Leon Sammet makes up, and Louis' pretty well liked in the trade, too, Mawruss." "Well, why don't you see him, Abe?" "I'll tell you the truth, Mawruss," Abe replied. "I did see him. I offered him all what Sammet Brothers gives him, and I told him we make a better line for the price, but it ain't no use. Louis says a salesman's got to work hard anyhow, so he may as well work a little harder, and he says, too, it spoils a man's trade when he makes changes." Here a customer entered the store and Abe was busy for more than half an hour. At the end of that time the customer departed and Morris returned to the show-room. "Abe," he said, "I got an idea." Abe looked up. "More real estate?" he asked. "Not more real estate, Abe," Morris corrected, "but the same real estate. When we're stuck we're stuck, Abe, ain't it?" Abe nodded. "So I got an idea," Morris went on, "that we go to Louis and tell him we give him the same money what Sammet Brothers give him, only we give him a bonus." "A bonus!" Abe cried. "How much of a bonus?" [Pg 95]"A big bonus, Abe," Morris replied. "We'll give him the house." Abe remained silent. "It'll look big, anyhow," Morris continued. "Look big!" Abe exclaimed. "It is big. It's three thousand dollars." "Well, you can't reckon stickers by what they cost," Morris explained. "It's what they'll sell for." "You're right, Mawruss," Abe commented bitterly. "And that house wouldn't sell for Confederate money. I'll see Louis Mintz to-night." Abe saw Louis that very evening, and they met by appointment at the store ten days later. In the meantime Louis had inspected the house, and when he entered Potash & Perlmutter's show-room his face wore none too cheerful an expression. "Well, Louis," Abe cried, "you come to tell us it's all right. Ain't it?" Louis shook his head. "Abe," he said, "the old saying is you should never look at a horse's teeth what somebody gives you, but that house is pretty near vacant." "What of it?" Abe asked. "It's a fine house, ain't it?" "Sure, it's a fine house," Louis agreed. "But what good is a fine house if you can't rent it? You can't eat it, can you?" "No," Morris replied, "but you can sell it." "Well," Louis admitted, "selling houses ain't in[Pg 96] my line? Maybe if I knew enough about it I could sell it." "But there's real-estaters what knows all about selling a house," Morris began. "You bet there is," Abe interrupted savagely. "And you could get a real-estater to sell it for you," Morris concluded with malevolent glance at his partner. Louis consulted a list of the tenants which he had made. "I'll think it over," he said, "and let you know to-morrow." The next day he greeted Abe and Morris more cordially. "I thought it over, Abe," he said, "and I guess it'll be all right." "Fine!" Abe cried. "Let's go down and see Henry D. Feldman right away." Just as a congenital dislocation of the hipbone suggests the name of Doctor Lorenz, so the slightest dislocation of the cloak and suit business immediately calls for Henry D. Feldman. No cloak and suit bankruptcy would be complete without his name as attorney, either for the petitioning creditors or the bankrupt, and no action for breach of contract of employment on the part of a designer or a salesman could successfully go to the jury unless Henry D. Feldman wept crocodile tears over the summing up of the plaintiff's case. In the art of drawing agreements relative to the[Pg 97] cloak and suit trade in all its phases of buying, selling, employing or renting, he was a virtuoso, and his income was that of six Supreme Court judges rolled into one. For the rest, he was of impressive, clean-shaven appearance, and he was of the opinion that a liberal sprinkling of Latin phrases rendered his conversation more pleasing to his clients. Louis and Abe were ushered into his office only after half an hour's waiting at the end of a line of six clients, and they wasted no time in stating their business. "Mr. Feldman," Abe murmured, "this is Mr. Louis Mintz what comes to work by us as a salesman." "Mr. Mintz," Mr. Feldman said, "you are to be congratulated. Potash & Perlmutter have a reputation in the trade nulli secundum, and it is generally admitted that the goods they produce are summa cum laude." "We make fall and winter goods, too," Abe explained. "All kinds of garments, Mr. Feldman. I don't want to give Louis no wrong impression. He's got to handle lightweights as well as heavyweights, too." Mr. Feldman stared blankly at Abe and then continued: "No doubt you have quite settled on the terms." "We've talked it all over," said Louis, "and this is what it is." He then specified the salary and commission to be[Pg 98] paid, and engaged Mr. Feldman to draw the deed for the tenement house. "And how long is this contract to last?" Feldman asked. "For five years," Abe replied. "Five years nothing," said Louis. "I wouldn't work for no one on a five years' contract. One year is what I want it." "One year!" Abe cried. "Why, Louis, that ain't no way to talk. In one year you'd just about get well enough acquainted with our trade—of course, I'm only talking, y'understand—to cop it out for some other house what would pay you a couple of hundred more. No, Louis, I think it ought to be for five years." "Of course, if you think I'm the kind what takes a job to cop out the firm's trade, Abe," Louis commenced, "why——" "I'm only saying for the sake of argument," Abe hastened to explain. "I'll tell you what I'll do, Louis: I'll make it two years, and at the end of that time if you want to quit you can do it; only, you should agree not to work as salesman for no other house for the space of one year afterward or you can go on working for us for one year afterward. How's that?" "I think that's eminently fair," Mr. Feldman broke in hurriedly. "You can't refuse those terms, Mr. Mintz. Mr. Potash will sign for his partner, I apprehend, and then Mr. Perlmutter will be bound[Pg 99] under the principle of qui fecit per alium fecit per se." No one could stand up against such a flood of Latin, and Louis nodded. "All right," he said. "Let her go that way." Mr. Feldman immediately rang for a stenographer. "Come back to-morrow at four o'clock," he said. "I shall send a clerk with the deed to be signed by Mrs. Potash and Mrs. Perlmutter to-night." The next afternoon, at half an hour after the appointed time, the contract was executed and the deed delivered to Louis Mintz, and on the first of the following month Louis entered upon his new employment. Louis' first season with his new employers was fraught with good results for Potash & Perlmutter, who reaped large profits from Louis' salesmanship; but for Louis it had been somewhat disappointing. "I never see nothing like it," he complained to Abe. "That tenement house is like a summer hotel—people coming and going all the time; and every time a tenant moves yet I got to pay for painting and repapering the rooms. You certainly stuck me good on that house." "Stuck you!" Abe cried. "We didn't stuck you, Louis. We just give you the house as a bonus. If it don't rent well, Louis, you ought to sell it." "Don't I know I ought to sell it?" Louis cried; "but who's going to buy it? Real-estater after real-estater comes to look at it, and it all amounts to nix.[Pg 100] They wouldn't take the house for the mortgages." For nearly a year and a half Louis and Abe repeated this conversation every time Louis came back from the road, and on the days when Louis paid interest on mortgages and premiums on fire insurance he grew positively tearful. "Why don't you pay me what I am short from paying carrying charges on that property?" Louis asked one day. "And I'll give you the house back." Abe laughed. "You should make that proposition to the feller what sold us the house," Abe said jocularly. "Any one what sold that house once, Abe," Louis rejoined, "don't want it back again." At length, when Louis was absent on a business trip some three months before the expiration of his contract, Abe approached Morris in the show-room and mooted the subject of taking back the house. "That house is a sticker, Mawruss," he said, "and we certainly shouldn't let Louis suffer by it. The boy done well by us, and we don't want to lose him." "Well, Abe," Morris replied, "the way I look at it, we should wait till his time is pretty near up. Maybe he will renew the contract without our taking back the house, Abe; but if the worst comes to the worst, Abe, we give him what he spent on the house and take it back, providing he renews the contract for a couple of years. Ain't it?" [Pg 101]Abe nodded doubtfully. "Maybe you're right, Mawruss," he said; "but the boy done good for us, Mawruss. We made it a big profit by him this year already, and I don't want him to think that we ain't doing the right thing by him." "Since when was you so soft-hearted, Abe?" Morris asked satirically; and when Louis came back from the road, a week later, no mention was made of the house until Louis himself broached the topic. "Look'y here, Abe," Louis said, "what are you going to do for me about that house? Counting the rent I collected and the money I laid out for carrying charges, I'm in the hole eight hundred and fifty dollars already." "Do for you, Louis!" Morris replied. "Why, what can we do for you? Why don't you fix it up like this, Louis? Why don't you make one last campaign among the real-estaters, and then if you don't succeed maybe we can do something." "That's right, Louis," Abe said. "Just try it and see what comes of it." Then Abe handed Louis a cigar and dismissed the subject, which never again arose until Louis was on his final trip. "Ain't it funny, Mawruss," Abe said, the morning of Louis' expected return—"ain't it funny he ain't mentioned that house to us since we spoke to him the last time he was home?" "I know it," Morris replied, "but you needn't[Pg 102] worry, Abe. It says in the contract that Louis can't take a job as salesman with any other house till one year is up, and the boy can't afford to stay loafing around for a whole year." Abe nodded, and as he turned to look up the contract in the safe the store door opened and Louis himself entered. "Hallo, Louis," Abe cried. "Glad to see you, Louis. Another good trip?" Louis nodded, and they all passed into the show-room. "Well, you're going to make many more of them for us before you're through, Louis," Abe said. Louis grunted, and Abe and Morris exchanged disquieting glances. "You know, Louis," Morris said in the dulcet accents of the sucking dove, "your contract is up next week, and Abe and me was talking about it the other day, Louis, and about the house, too, and we says we should do something about that house, Louis, and so we'll make another contract for about, say, three years, and we'll fix it up about the house when we all sign the contract, Louis. We meant to take back the house all the time, Louis. We was only kidding you along, Louis," he continued. "So you was only kidding me along when you told me to see them real-estaters, hey?" Louis demanded. "Sure," Abe and Morris replied. "Then you was the ones what got kidded," Louis said, "for the last time I was in town I took your[Pg 103] advice. Do you know a feller called Michaelson? And two other fellers by the name of Henochstein and Magnus?" Abe nodded. "Well, them three fellers took that house off of my hands and paid me six hundred dollars to boot, over and above the seven hundred and fifty I sunk in it." Abe and Morris puffed vigorously at their cigars. "And what's more," Louis went on, "they introduced me to Harris Rabin, of the Equinox Clothing Company. I guess you know him, too, don't you?" Morris admitted sullenly that he did. "He's got a daughter, Miss Miriam Rabin," Louis concluded. "Her and me is going to announce our engagement in next Sunday's Herald." He paused and watched Morris and Abe, to see the news sink in. "And as soon as we're married," he said, "back to the road for mine, but not with Potash & Perlmutter." "I guess you're mistaken, Louis," Abe cried. "I guess you got a contract with us what will stop you going on the road for another year yet." "Back up, Abe," Louis said. "That there contract says I can't work as a salesman for any other house for a year. But Rabin and me is going as partners together in the cloak and suit business, and if there's anything in that contract about me not selling cloaks as my own boss I'll eat it." [Pg 104]Abe went to the safe for the contract. At last he found it, and after reading it over he handed it to Morris. "You eat it, Mawruss," he said. "Louis is right." <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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