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<h1>A GUIDE TO MEN</h1>
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A BACHELOR'S LIFE
IS ONE LONG
SOLO—USUALLY
A HYMN OF
THANKSGIVING<br/></div>
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<h1> A GUIDE TO<br/> MEN </h1>
<h3>BEING ENCORE<br/> REFLECTIONS OF A<br/> BACHELOR GIRL<br/></h3>
<h2><i>by</i><br/> HELEN<br/> ROWLAND<br/><br/></h2>
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PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY<br/>
DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY<br/></div>
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COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY DODGE<br/>
PUBLISHING COMPANY, NEW YORK<br/></div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
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To<br/>
FANNIE HURST<br/></div>
<div class='blockquot2'>Who has <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'discoverd'">discovered</ins> the secret of how to be
happy, though wedded to an art and to a man
at the same time.</div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
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<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents">
<tr><td align='left'>Foreword <i>by</i> Fannie Hurst</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_13">13</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Overture</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_17">17</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Prelude</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_19">19</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Refrain</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_21">21</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Bachelors</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_23">23</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>First Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_27">27</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>True Love—How to know it</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_35">35</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Variations</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_38">38</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Blondes</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_42">42</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Cymbals & Kettle-drums</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_44">44</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>What Every Woman Wonders</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_50">50</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Second Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_58">58</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_10" id="Page_10"></SPAN></span>Brides</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_63">63</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Syncopations</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_66">66</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Divorces</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_73">73</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Third Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_75">75</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Widows</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_81">81</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Improvisations</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_83">83</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Widowers</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_89">89</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Fourth Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_92">92</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Second Marriages</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_99">99</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Intermezzo</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_102">102</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Woman & Her Infinite Variety </td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_109">109</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Maxims of Cleopatra</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_112">112</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Finale</i></span></td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_118">118</SPAN></td></tr>
<tr><td align='left'>Curtain</td><td align='right'><SPAN href="#Page_125">125</SPAN></td></tr>
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<h2>FOREWORD</h2>
<div class='cap'>A SMALL phial, I doubt not, could contain the
attar of the epigrammatic literature of all
time. Few of the perfumes of this diminutive
form of wit and satire have survived. Pretty and
scented vaporings, most of the thousands and thousands
of them, that have died on the air of the foibles
of their day.</div>
<p>Yet how the pungent ones can persist! The racy
old odors, which are as new as <i>now</i>, that still hover
about the political and amorous quips of the Greeks.
The nose-crinkling ones of the French, more vinegar-acrid
than perfumed, although a seventeenth-century
proverb calls France "a monarchy tempered
by epigrams." The didactic Teutonic ones, sharply
corrosive.</p>
<p>The greatest evaporative of course of this form of
<i>bon mot</i> is mere cleverness. Wit is the attar which
endures. The wit of Pope and Catullus, Landor,
Voltaire, Rousseau and Wilde.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>That is what Rapin must have had in mind when
he said that a man ought to be content if he succeeded
in writing one really good epigram.</p>
<p>Helen Rowland stands pleasantly impeached for
writing many. She has a whizz to her swiftly
cynical arrow that entitles her to a place in the
tournament.</p>
<p>She is not merely anagrammatical, scorns the couplet
for the mere sake of the couplet, and has little
time for the smiting word at any price.</p>
<p>In the entire history of epigrammatic expression
there are few if any whose fame rests solely upon
the brittle structure of the <i>bon mot</i>. Martial, about
whose brilliant brevities can scarcely be said to
hover the odor of sanctity, is, I suppose, remembered
solely as a wielder of the barbed word.</p>
<p>Miss Rowland is balanced skilfully upon that same
slender trapeze, doing a very deft bow-and-arrow
act, her archery of a high order.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_15" id="Page_15"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>She wields a wicked bow, a kindly bow, a swift, a
sure, a ductile bow.</p>
<p>Matrimony is her favorite target (so was it Bombo's
and Herrick's and even political Parnell had his shot
at it) and her little winged arrows are often bitingly
pointed with philosophy, satire, wit and sometimes
just a touch of good old home-brew American
hokum.</p>
<p>For this wise woman with the high-spirited bow
behind her arrow, these little pages speak eloquently.</p>
<div class='sig'>
FANNIE HURST.<br/></div>
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<h2>OVERTURE</h2>
<div class='poem'>
Would you your sweetheart's secret seek to spell?<br/>
<span style="margin-left: 2em;">There are so many little ways to tell!</span><br/>
A hair, perhaps, shall prove him false or true—<br/>
<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A single hair upon his coat lapel!</span><br/>
<br/><br/></div>
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<h2>PRELUDE</h2>
<div class='cap'>THE sweetest part of a kiss is the moment just
before taking.</div>
<p>Love is misery—sweetened with imagination,
salted with tears, spiced with doubt, flavored with
novelty, and swallowed with your eyes shut.</p>
<p>Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from
a pleasure into a duty, and a lie from a luxury into a
necessity.</p>
<p>A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve
has been extracted.</p>
<p>A man's heart is like a barber shop in which the
cry is always, "NEXT!"</p>
<p>The discovery of rice-powder on his coat-lapel
makes a college-boy swagger, a bachelor blush, and
a married man tremble.</p>
<p>It takes one woman twenty years to make a man
of her son—and another woman twenty minutes to
make a fool of him.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>By the time a man has discovered that he is in love
with a woman, she is usually so fagged out waiting
for the phenomenon, that she is ready to topple
right over into his arms from sheer exhaustion.</p>
<p>A man always asks for "just one kiss"—because he
knows that, if he can get that, the rest will come
without asking.</p>
<p>Somehow, the moment a man has surrendered the
key of his heart to a woman, he begins to think
about changing the lock.</p>
<p>There are only two ages, at which a man faces the
altar without a shudder; at twenty when he doesn't
know what's happening to him—and at eighty when
he doesn't care.</p>
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<h2>THE REFRAIN</h2>
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<div class='poem'><div class='cap'>
THERE'S so much saint in the worst of them,<br/>
And so much devil in the best of them,<br/>
That a woman who's married to one of them,<br/>
<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Has nothing to learn of the rest of them.</span><br/><br/><br/></div>
</div>
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SOMEHOW, JUST AT
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL
MOMENT WHEN A
BACHELOR FANCIES
THAT HE IS GOING TO
DIE FOR LOVE OF A
WOMAN, ANOTHER
WOMAN ALWAYS COMES
ALONG AND INTERRUPTS
HIM <ANTIMG src="images/decoration2.png" width-obs="95" height-obs="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" /></div>
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<h2>BACHELORS</h2>
<div class='cap'>THE modern bachelor is like a blotting pad; he
can soak up all the sentiment and flattery a
woman has to offer him, without ever spilling
a drop.</div>
<p>A confirmed bachelor is so sure of his ability to
dodge, that he is willing to amuse every pretty girl
he meets, by handing her a rope and daring her to
catch him.</p>
<p>A bachelor is a large body of egotism, completely
surrounded by caution and fortified at all points
by suspicion. His chief products are wild oats and
cynicism; his chief industry is dodging matrimony;
his undeviating policy "Protection!" and his watch-word,
"Give me liberty or give me death!"</p>
<p>The average bachelor is so afraid of falling into
matrimony, nowadays, that he sprinkles the path
of love with ashes instead of with roses.</p>
<p>The care with which a bachelor chaperones himself
would inspire even the duenna of a fashionable
boarding school with envy.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_24" id="Page_24"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A bachelor's idea of "safety first" consists in getting
tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid
getting tied up to one.</p>
<p>He is an altruist who refrains from devoting himself
to one woman in order that he may scatter
sweetness and light amongst the multitude.</p>
<p>There is nothing quite so intriguing to a bachelor
as flirting with the "<i>idea of marriage</i>"—with his
fingers crossed. He just loves to "consider marrying"
in the abstract and to go about pitying himself
for being so "lonely."</p>
<p>There are three kinds of bachelors: the kind that
must be driven into matrimony with a whip; the
kind that must be coaxed with sugar; and the kind
that must be blindfolded and backed into the shafts.</p>
<p>If you want to be chosen to brighten a bachelor's
life, first make it dark and dreary; so long as women
are willing to make his existence one long sweet
song, naturally he isn't anxious to exchange it for
a lullaby.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_25" id="Page_25"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>When a man actually asks a girl to marry him in
these days of bachelor comforts and the deification
of single-blessedness, she has a revelation of human
unselfishness that stands as the eighth wonder of
the world.</p>
<p>That tired expression on a bachelor's face is not
so often the result of brain-fag from an overworked
mind as of heart-fag from overworking the emotions.</p>
<p>Lovers look at life through rose-colored curtains;
old bachelors see it through a fog.</p>
<p>Somehow, a bachelor never quite gets over the idea
that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever!</p>
<p>A bachelor fancies that it is his wonderful sixty-horse
will-power that keeps him from marrying,
whereas it is nothing but his little one-horse <i>won't-power</i>.</p>
<p>One consolation in marrying a bachelor over forty
is that he has fought so long and so hard to escape
the hook that there is no more fight left in him.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_26" id="Page_26"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Never give up hope as long as a bachelor declares
definitely, "No woman can <i>get</i> me!" Wait until
he is so sure of his immunity that he sighs regretfully,
"No woman will <i>have</i> me!"</p>
<p>The "vicious circle" in a bachelor's opinion, is the
platinum one on a woman's third finger.</p>
<p>A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot
of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.</p>
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<h2>FIRST INTERLUDE</h2>
<div class='cap'>IN the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns—and
turns—and turns!</div>
<p>There are lots of "sure cures" for love, but the
quickest and surest is—<i>another love</i>.</p>
<p>If there were only two women and one man in the
world, the man would marry the brunette and then
spend the rest of his life peeping over her shoulder
and trying to flirt with the blonde.</p>
<p>A woman always embalms the corpse of a dead
love; a man wisely cremates it, and plants a new
love in the ashes.</p>
<p>A fool and her money are soon courted.</p>
<p>A woman's pity for a man who loves her against
her will may be akin to love; but a man's pity
for a woman who loves him without his permission
is a twin brother to boredom.</p>
<p>Marriage is the miracle which affords a woman a
chance to gratify her vanity, pacify her family, mortify
her rivals, and electrify her friends, all at the
same time. Marriage is sweet!<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Love is what incites the caveman to drag a woman
around by the hair and makes the civilized man
permit a woman to drag <i>him</i> around by the nose.</p>
<p>The heart of a woman is a secret sanctuary where
she is constantly burning incense and candles before
a succession of idols of clay.</p>
<p>Nowadays, a man's faith in women and heaven
seems to disappear with his milk-teeth and to reappear
again with his false teeth.</p>
<p>To most men "repentance" is merely the interval
between the headache and the next temptation.</p>
<p>Most bachelors regard the "flower of love" as a
species of poison ivy.</p>
<p>Even Satan could find a woman to call him
"Dearie," if he would simply tell her that all he
needed was "a beautiful woman's uplifting influence."</p>
<p>A man may be guilty of stealing a girl's heart, but
he always feels hurt and indignant if she refuses to
take it back again after he has finished with it.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Woman's love—a mirror in which a man beholds
himself glorified, magnified and deified.</p>
<p>Always try to be the "guiding star" of a man's life,
but never make the mistake of fancying that you
are his whole planetary system.</p>
<p>A woman must keep her conscience, her complexion
and her reputation snow-white. But a man is satisfied
if he can just manage to keep his so that they
comply with the pure food laws.</p>
<p>Art is inspiring, but you can't run your fingers
through its hair; a career is absorbing, but you can't
tie ribbons on the curls of your brain-children;
work is ennobling, but, alas, it hasn't got a shoulder
to cry on!</p>
<p>When a girl refuses to kiss a man he is never disconcerted;
he is merely astonished that she could
be so blind to her own feelings.</p>
<p>A summer resort is a place where a girl spends half
her time in making herself alluring—and the other
half in yearning for something to "lure."<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>When a girl marries a man she is sadly aware that
all his old sweethearts are wondering <i>how</i> she did
it, and that all her old sweethearts are wondering
<i>why</i>.</p>
<p>Marriage will never be safe until we stop making it
an "ideal" and begin trying to make it a square deal.</p>
<p>Just before marriage a man's coat lapel acquires
that grayish look which comes from the constant
contact with face powder, but it's wonderful how
soon it brightens up and gets back its natural color
after the wedding.</p>
<p>Love is like appendicitis; you never know when nor
how it is going to strike you—the only difference
being that, after one attack of appendicitis, your
curiosity is perfectly satisfied.</p>
<p>No matter how many men have tried to flirt with
her, a girl will step cheerfully up to the altar in
the firm belief that she has found the one perfect
human being in trousers who will never look at
another woman.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_31" id="Page_31"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen
that she can see right through her husband without
looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look
right through his wife without seeing her.</p>
<p>A man recuperates so much more quickly from his
remorse than a woman does from her indignation
that by the time she has forgiven him he is tired of
being good and ready to sin again.</p>
<p>Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake
all night thinking about something you said; after
marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying
it.</p>
<p>A man can never understand how a woman gets so
much joy out of leading him all the way to the
threshold of love and then sweetly closing the door
in his face.</p>
<p>Solitaire—the married woman's game.</p>
<p>A man's greatest conquest is self-conquest; his
greatest possession, self-possession; and his greatest
love—Oh, well, you fill in the rest.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who
flirts with him wants him to kiss her—when, nine
times out of ten, she only wants him to <i>want</i> to
kiss her?</p>
<p>Plunging into a hasty marriage in order to escape
from a foolish entanglement is like rushing under
a trolley car in order to escape from a taxicab.</p>
<p>Nowadays a girl's favorite way of committing suicide
for love of a man, is to marry him and worry
herself to death over him.</p>
<p>A good wife is always her husband's "guide,
philosopher and friend"; also his guardian, digestion,
conscience, time-table and valet.</p>
<p>A man never knows how to say goodby; a woman
never knows <i>when</i> to say it.</p>
<p>A woman's greatest "right" is the right husband.</p>
<p>A woman might forgive a man for all his sins; it's
that stained-glass attitude with which he decides to
"give them up" when he is tired of them that exasperates
her so.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_33" id="Page_33"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width-obs="300" height-obs="166" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote2'>A MAN DOESN'T WANT
A WIFE WHO PLACES
HIM ON A PEDESTAL
OR KEEPS HIM ON A
FOOTSTOOL, BUT ONE
WHO WILL TAKE HIM
AS A MERE MAN—AND
LET HIM GO ON BEING
"MERE" <ANTIMG src="images/decoration3.png" width-obs="167" height-obs="25" alt="Three Leaves" title="" /></div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<div class="figcenter"><br/><br/> <ANTIMG src="images/illus-3.jpg" width-obs="364" height-obs="500" alt="Places him on a pedestal . . ." title="" /> <span class="caption">Places him on a pedestal . . .</span></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<h2>TRUE LOVE—HOW TO KNOW IT</h2>
<div class='cap'>TRUE LOVE is nothing but friendship, highly
intensified, flavored with sentiment, spiced
with passion, and sprinkled with the stardust
of romance.</div>
<p>True Love can be no deeper than your capacity for
friendship, no higher than your ideals, and no
broader than the scope of your vision.</p>
<p>True Love, in the cave man, is expressed by a desire
to beat a woman, and to pull her around by the hair.</p>
<p>True Love, in the Broadwayite, is expressed by an
insatiable craving to <i>buy things</i> for a woman.</p>
<p>True Love, in a husband, is expressed by his willingness
to give his wife anything, from the tenderest
piece of steak to a divorce, if it will make her
happy.</p>
<p>True Love, in any man, is the essence of unselfishness;
and the most selfish thing in the world. It
is the selfishness that transcends selfishness; the
vanity that puts egotism in the shade.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>True Love, in a bachelor, is exemplified by his
willingness to marry a woman—against all his instincts,
his sense of self-preservation, and his better
judgment.</p>
<p>True Love, in a born flirt, is evidenced by his inability
to think of any <i>other woman</i>, while he is
kissing a particular one.</p>
<p>True Love, in an author, is demonstrated by his
self-restraint, in refusing to make "copy" out of a
love affair.</p>
<p>True Love, in a college boy, is expressed by his
ability to think of somebody besides himself for a
whole hour at a time.</p>
<p>It is the flash of light, by which one sees clearly
that to do for another, give to another, and sacrifice
for another, will get one the most happiness out of
life.</p>
<p>True Love, in the poet, is expressed in soul kisses,
and by his inability to do any work for days at a
time.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>We speak of "falling in love," as though it were a
pit or an abyss; but True Love is the light on the
mountain-top, to which we must eternally climb.</p>
<p>True Love is a relic of the Victorian Age.</p>
<p>It still exists, here and there, like the buffalo; but
in the face of eugenics, feminism, and the growing
masculine determination not to marry, it may some
day have to take a place beside the Dinosaurus in
the Public Museum.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width-obs="300" height-obs="166" alt="Decoration" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_38" id="Page_38"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<h2>VARIATIONS</h2>
<div class='cap'>FLIRTATION is a duel in which the combatants
cross lies, sighs and eyes—and the
coolest heart wins.</div>
<p>Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the
imagination and bottling the common-sense.</p>
<p>In the medley of love a man's soul sings a sonata,
while his heart plays a waltz and his pulse beats to
rag-time.</p>
<p>Better be a strong man's "rib" than a weak man's
"backbone."</p>
<p>True love isn't the kind that endures through long
years of absence, but the kind that endures through
long years of propinquity.</p>
<p>A man seldom thinks of marrying when he meets
his ideal woman; he waits until he gets the marrying
fever and then idealizes the first woman he
happens to meet.</p>
<p>Love is what tempts a man to tell foolish lies to a
woman and a woman to tell the fool truth to a man.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>It took seven hundred guesses for Solomon to find
out what kind of a wife he wanted; and even then
he seems to have had his doubts.</p>
<p>The only thing more astonishing than the length
of time a man's love will subsist on nothing is the
celerity with which it is surfeited the moment it
has any encouragement to feed on.</p>
<p>Even when a man knows that he wants to marry
a woman, she has to prove it to him with a diagram
before he is really convinced of it.</p>
<p>A man is so apt to mistake his love of experiment
for love of a woman that half the time he doesn't
know which is which.</p>
<p>Why is it that a man never thinks he has tasted
the cup of joy unless he has splashed it all over himself,
as though it were his morning bath?</p>
<p>A man is so versatile that he can read his newspaper
with one set of brain-cells while he carries
on a conversation with his wife with another set.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_40" id="Page_40"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A girl hides her emotions under a veil of modesty,
a spinster under a cloak of cynicism, a wife under
a mantle of tact, and a widow under a cloud of
mystery—and then women wonder why they are
"misunderstood."</p>
<p>Proposing is a sort of acrobatic feat, in which a man
must hang on to his nerve with one hand and to the
girl with the other. If he lets go of either, he is
lost.</p>
<p>In love, as in poker, men play just to <i>play</i>—and
then proceed to throw away what has been easily
won, without any thought of its value. Thus
gamblers so often die in poverty and Lotharios in
loneliness.</p>
<p>Nowadays, a truly chivalrous girl will "lie like a
lady" in order to protect a trusting man's vanity.</p>
<p>The woman who fascinates a man is not the one
who looks up to him as the sun of her existence,
but the one who merely looks down on him as one
of the footlights.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Don't doubt a man when he says, "I never loved
like <i>this</i> before." Each time a man falls in love
with so much more ease and facility that he doesn't
recognize it as the same old emotion at all.</p>
<p>The first time a man lies to his wife he is surprised
to discover how easy it is to do it. After that he
is surprised to find out how hard it is <i>not</i> to do it.</p>
<p>A man always speaks of having "given" his heart
to a woman as though he had done something generous
and noble; whereas, nine times out of ten, she
probably had to wrench it from him.</p>
<p>About the only things in connection with his wife
for which a man shows any respect after a few
years of marriage are her reputation and her toothbrush.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decoration1.png" width-obs="150" height-obs="103" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_42" id="Page_42"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<h2>BLONDES</h2>
<div class='cap'>NEXT to a mouse or a rich widow, there is
nothing on earth that a normal girl dreads so
much as a blonde.</div>
<p>No matter how many brunettes a man may have
married from time to time you can always be perfectly
sure that there has been a blonde in his life.</p>
<p>A woman with dark hair and eyes may make men
admire her, but in order to make one of them
<i>propose</i> she must blondine her temperament down
to the roots.</p>
<p>The dusky Cleopatra may have succeeded in making
fools of a few men, but it took a dizzy little
blonde like Helen of Troy to make a lot of men
make fools of <i>themselves</i>.</p>
<p>In order to be popular with men, in these days, a
brunette must be either brilliant, interesting, rich
or beautiful; but a blonde doesn't have to be anything
but a <i>blonde</i>.</p>
<p>You may fight a brunette, dearie, as woman to
woman, but when you fight a blonde you fight a
cherished masculine tradition.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_43" id="Page_43"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Why is it that in all the novels and motion picture
plays the vampires and adventuresses have dark
hair and black eyes, while the innocent, persecuted
angels are all blondes—whereas in real life it is
always the other way 'round.</p>
<p>Generally speaking, there are two kinds of blondes:
blondes by birth and blondes by preference. These
are subdivided into golden blondes, diamond
blondes, strawberry blondes—and undecided
blondes; that is, those who have not yet decided
on their favorite shade.</p>
<p>Sometimes illness turns a woman's hair gray, and
sometimes it merely turns it dark at the roots. A
little peroxide is a treacherous thing!</p>
<p>All this talk about the "yellow peril" is nonsense.
There is no more danger in permitting your husband
to employ a pretty blonde stenographer than
there is in throwing a lighted match into the wastebasket.</p>
<p>When love flies out of the window the tame cat and
the sympathetic blonde tip-toe in by opposite doors.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_44" id="Page_44"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> </div>
<h2>CYMBALS AND KETTLE-DRUMS</h2>
<div class='cap'>THIS is the great masculine question: Whether
it is better to marry and live in the constant
fear of one woman's frown or to stay single
and live in deadly fear of every woman's smile.</div>
<p>"Conscience doth make cowards of us all"—but not
until we've emptied the bottle, tired of the flirtation
and gotten our money's worth out of the game.</p>
<p>Marriage—A souvenir of love.</p>
<p>Wanted: A wife who can broil a steak with one
hand, powder her nose with the other, rock the
cradle with her foot and accompany herself on the
harp. (<i>Signed</i>) <span class="smcap">Everyman</span>.</p>
<p>When the girls admire him a young man takes it
as a matter of course; but when a widow selects
him for her attention he thrills with the knowledge
that he is being stamped with the approval of a
connoisseur.</p>
<p>Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay
down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't
even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_45" id="Page_45"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>If Achilles' only vulnerable spot was in his heel,
then his vanity must have gone to his feet, instead
of to his head.</p>
<p>You can't expect a woman to accomplish much in
this life, since she is busy every minute of it either
trying to <i>get</i> some man, trying to <i>get along with</i>
one, or trying to <i>get rid of</i> one.</p>
<p>A man's wife is something like his teeth: He never
thinks of her unless she happens to bother him.</p>
<p>Life is a tale that is "told": the monk tells his
beads, the seer tells fortunes, the lover tells lies—and
a woman tells everything.</p>
<p>To collect books is a sign of culture, to collect jewels
a sign of wealth, but to collect husbands is a sign
of paresis.</p>
<p>A modern bachelor makes love with his hand on his
pulse and his eye on the clock.</p>
<p>Oh yes, there is a vast difference between the savage
and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to
their wives until after breakfast.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_46" id="Page_46"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A sympathetic woman is like a rose which a man
wears over his heart; a stupid woman is like a cabbage
which he keeps in his kitchen; but a merely
"clever" woman is like a dahlia—he knows he ought
to admire her, but he had just as lief do so from a
distance.</p>
<p>While a woman is weeping over the ghost of a dead
love in the graveyard of memory, a man is usually
off pursuing a lot of little new loves in the garden
of forgetfulness.</p>
<p>Life is like a poem or a story; the most important
thing about it is not that it should be long, but that
it should be beautiful and interesting.</p>
<p>The older a woman gets the more trusting she becomes;
at twenty a man can feed her only diluted
flattery; but at forty she can swallow it, straight,
without a quiver.</p>
<p>No girl who is going to marry need bother to win
a college degree; she just naturally becomes a "Master
of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy" after
catering to an ordinary man for a few years.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>The average man takes all the natural taste out of
his food by covering it with ready-made sauces, and
all the personality out of a woman by covering
her with his ready-made ideals.</p>
<p>Heaven is <i>not</i> a mythical place. It can be found
right down in the heart of the man who has found
the work he loves and the woman he loves.</p>
<p>An ideal lover is one with such a keen dramatic
instinct that he can convince himself of his sincerity—even
when he knows that he is lying.</p>
<p>Love is a matter of chance; matrimony a matter of
money, and divorce—a matter of course.</p>
<p>Adam was the first man to "misunderstand" a
woman.</p>
<p>A man is like a park squirrel; if you fling your
favors or your charms at his head he will never
come up and eat out of your hand.</p>
<p>What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the
mental action that follows a sentimental reaction
after too much wine or love.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_48" id="Page_48"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>In the School of Love, a man is forever just taking
up a brand new "study" and discovering that all the
old loves were nothing but "preparatory practice."</p>
<p>The eugenic idea of choosing a husband would be
perfectly lovely, only that a husband isn't a matter
of choice, but of chance, accident or blind luck.</p>
<p>Love is woman's eternal spring, man's eternal fall.</p>
<p>It isn't beauty, and it isn't cleverness, and it isn't
clothes that make a particular woman fascinating.
It is just a sort of magnetic current which seems to
run around her and set her eyes a-twinkling—and
a man's heart tingling.</p>
<p>It is utterly useless to tell a man the honest truth.
That is the last thing on earth which a man ever
tells a woman—so of course it's the last thing on
earth which he ever expects to hear from her.</p>
<p>The average man, like "all Gaul," is divided into
three parts: his vanity, his digestion and his ambition.
Cater to the first, guard the second and stimulate
the third—and his love will take care of itself.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>There is no such tonic for a man's nerve as a
capricious wife and no such softener for his backbone
as a self-sacrificing one.</p>
<p>A man can sit in the moonlight and talk "New
Thought" to a pretty girl and at the same time look
right into her eyes with all the old, old ones.</p>
<p>Bohemia is an oasis in the desert of life where only
the rich-in-dreams may go and only the poor-in-purse
may stay.</p>
<p>There is no way of two people really knowing each
other until after they are married and have to share
the same dollar, the same table, the same newspaper
and the same chiffonier.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decoration1.png" width-obs="150" height-obs="103" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_50" id="Page_50"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<h2>WHAT EVERY WOMAN WONDERS</h2>
<div class='poem2'><div class='cap'>
THERE are gardens full of flowers that I feared to pluck.<br/>
There are eyes full of promises that I dared not believe.<br/>
There are lips full of sweetness, from which I turned away.<br/>
I wonder if Paradise holds anything for me, one-half so beautiful<br/>
As the joys I have renounced for its sake!<br/></div>
</div>
<p>A man's life is like a musical comedy; there is
always one woman in it who is the star—but it
takes ninety-nine others to make up the "ensemble."</p>
<p>Nothing so annoys a man as to have a woman
"cheer him up," when he is enjoying the exquisite
luxury of feeling sorry for himself.</p>
<p>The modern girl's "perfect candor" has taken the
sin out of sincerity—and most of the sweet scent
out of the flower of sentiment. Without the Serpent,
the Garden of Eden would seem a dull old
place to most men.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Love is neither a bonfire, nor a kitchen-fire; but an
altar-fire, to be kept burning forever with prayer
and reverence.</p>
<p>In the language of love, "Forever!" means for quite
a little while and "Never!" means not until next
season.</p>
<p>"A fool there was, and he made his prayer"—to two
women on the same party wire.</p>
<p>Love is a matter of give and take—marriage, a matter
of misgive and mistake.</p>
<p>Even a fool knows enough to laugh at a man's
joke—but only a born Siren knows enough to hang
onto his coat-lapel and beg him to "Tell it again!"</p>
<p>Some men are born for matrimony, some achieve
matrimony—but most of them are merely poor
dodgers.</p>
<p>There are many times when a woman would gladly
drop her husband, if she did not feel morally certain
that some other woman would come right along
and pick him up.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_52" id="Page_52"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Alas! In choosing a husband, it seems that you've
always got to decide between something tame and
uninteresting, like a gold-fish, and something wild
and fascinating, like a mountain goat.</p>
<p>Perhaps the first time a young man actually realizes
that he is married is when he catches himself looking
at other women with that strange, new, wistful
sort of interest.</p>
<p>It is at once the mission and the punishment of the
flirt to go through life tapping the hearts of men,
that they may overflow—for other women.</p>
<p>The sweetest things in a woman's life are her "yesterdays"—the
sweetest things in a man's life are
his "tomorrows."</p>
<p>The man who is fondly looking for a perfect angel
almost invariably ends by marrying some little devil
who knows how to persuade him that her horns are
merely the signs of a budding halo.</p>
<p>Woman is to most men what "heart-failure" is to
the doctors—something that it is always convenient
to blame any old thing on.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_53" id="Page_53"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>"The mind has a thousand eyes—the heart but
one!"—and that usually goes fast asleep, after marriage.</p>
<p>Philosophy is the only kind of "sweetening" with
which to make life palatable.</p>
<p>Estimated from a wife's experience, the average
man spends fully one-quarter of his life in looking
for his shoes.</p>
<p>An "idealist" is a man who is content to worship
a woman from afar—and let some gross, unselfish
materialist marry her and support her.</p>
<p>Changing husbands is about as satisfactory as
changing a bundle from one hand to the other; it
gives you only temporary relief.</p>
<p>France may claim the happiest marriages in the
world, but the happiest divorces in the world are
"made in America."</p>
<p>No doubt, even Solomon told each of his 700 wives
that he had merely <i>thought</i> he loved the others,
but that <i>she</i> was the only girl he "ever really cared
for" in just that way.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Love is what makes a man appear blissfully happy,
when a woman is mussing up the precious wisp of
hair across his bald spot.</p>
<p>Love is what makes a woman laugh delightedly
when a man is telling her for the second time, a
story which she knew by heart before he told it to
her the first time.</p>
<p>All this "sex-antagonism" must have started when
Adam brought in the first rabbit and ordered Eve
to make it into Chicken-a-la-King.</p>
<p>When a man takes a notion to marry, he doesn't
start following it up—he merely stops running
away.</p>
<p>A woman is young until the light dies out of her
last lover's eyes.</p>
<p>Whenever a pretty girl runs her fingers through
his hair, a cautious bachelor can't help thinking of
what happened to Samson.</p>
<p>Success in flirtation, as in gambling, consists in
"getting out of the game" at the psychological moment
before your luck begins to turn.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Being a husband's "economic equal" may be awfully
noble and advanced; but it usually means being all
of his ribs and most of his vertebrae.</p>
<p>Men have been classified as "what women marry."
They have two feet, two hands and sometimes two
wives—but never more than one collar-button or
one idea at a time.</p>
<p>When a man says, "Nobody understands me," don't
fancy he is suffering. He is merely trying to let
you know, in a modest way, that he is a profound,
fascinating mystery.</p>
<p>A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second,
demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the
fifth—and endures all the rest of them.</p>
<p>After two years, an engagement doesn't need to be
broken; it just naturally sags in the middle and
comes apart.</p>
<p>Eve had as much choice in the matter of a husband
as any other woman. She merely accepted what
fate sent her, and pretended to have gotten her
"ideal."<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>It is not much comfort to be able to keep your husband's
material body in the house evenings, when
his astral body keeps wandering off to the club,
every few minutes.</p>
<p>In love, sweet are the uses of diversity!</p>
<p>A woman's love "bursts into flower," but judging
from the time it takes him to discover it, a man's
love must be developed by the wearisome process of
geological formation.</p>
<p>If a man and a diamond are big and brilliant
enough, one doesn't mind a few flaws in them; but,
for some reason, Heaven knows why, a woman and
a pearl are expected to be absolutely perfect.</p>
<p>When Fate places a laurel wreath on the brow of
a genius she hitches a plough to his shoulders and
holds a Tantalus cup to his lips.</p>
<p>It isn't the man who paints his virtues in three
colors and begs her to marry him, but the one who
paints his sins in vermilion and begs her to "save"
him who usually wins the girl.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>If you want a man to propose don't try to make
your family coddle him. Make them hate him,
because a man never really "takes hold" until somebody
begins to pull the other way.</p>
<p>The man who falls in love at first sight never knows
what has struck him, and therefore mercifully escapes
all the agonizing slow-torture of feeling himself
sink, inch by inch, into the quicksands of
matrimony.</p>
<p>Never believe that justice is all you owe your husband;
what every man needs, from the woman who
loves him, is faith, hope and charity—and above
all, <i>mercy</i>.</p>
<p>Even a coquette can be loyal to one man—until she
prefers another; but a man's heart is like a ferry-boat—always
going backward and forward, and
never staying "docked."</p>
<p>Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing—that
is what a little boy loves to eat and a grown
man prefers to marry.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<h2>SECOND INTERLUDE</h2>
<div class='cap'>TO find your mate—that is luck; to know him
when you find him—that is inspiration; to
win him when you know him—that is art;
and to keep him when you've won him—that is a
<i>miracle</i>.</div>
<p>A woman wastes more time in dreaming over a past
flirtation than it would take a man to start a half
dozen new ones.</p>
<p>Flattery affects a man like any other sort of "dope."
It stimulates and exhilarates him for the moment,
but usually ends by going to his head and making
him act foolish.</p>
<p>The only way to be happy in this world is to take
men and flirtations as they come—and <i>let them go</i>
as they go.</p>
<p>Almost any straight path of devotion will lead to
a woman's heart. It's this zigzagging from sentiment
to cold fear and from adoration to self-preservation,
that makes the way so long and dangerous
for the average man.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Solomon may have been the most famous <i>husband</i>
who ever lived, but as a <i>hero</i> he isn't in it with the
man who manages to get along happily and contentedly
all through life with just <i>one</i> wife!</p>
<p>Woman! The peg on which the wit hangs his jest,
the preacher his text, the cynic his grouch, and the
sinner his justification!</p>
<p>Everybody seems to be going through life at automobile
speed nowadays; but alas, there are no sentimental
garages by Life's wayside at which we
may obtain a fresh supply of emotions, purchase a
new thrill or patch up an exploded ideal.</p>
<p>A man's work lasts from sun to sun, but his excuses
for staying late at the office are never done.</p>
<p>Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better
side, his nobler instincts and his higher nature—and
another woman to help him forget them.</p>
<p>Never rush into a love affair. Love is a waiting
game, which requires nerve, concentration, and a
poker face.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>The average man marries one woman just in order
to escape from a lot of others—and then flirts with
a lot of others just in order to forget that he is
married to one.</p>
<p>Once a girl's heart beat faster at the sound of her
sweetheart's footstep on the garden path; but now
it requires the hum of a twelve-cylinder motor-car
to rouse her from her lassitude.</p>
<p>The one thing about love-making that the modern
man simply can't understand is that, in order to
make it thrilling and interesting, he must really put
a little <i>love</i> in it.</p>
<p>In the war of the sexes a woman hides her scars
of battle beneath a smile and a coat of rouge. A
man goes about displaying his as proudly as though
they were medals.</p>
<p>Occasionally one meets a man who plunges into a
love affair as he plunges into the surf, but most of
them just sit back lazily on the beach and let the
waves of emotion splash harmlessly over them.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_61" id="Page_61"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width-obs="300" height-obs="166" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_62" id="Page_62"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote2'>
THE GREATEST SHOCK
A TEMPERAMENTAL
WOMAN CAN RECEIVE
IS TO WAKE UP AND
FIND THAT SHE IS
MARRIED TO A HUMAN
BEING INSTEAD OF AN
IDEAL <ANTIMG src="images/decoration3.png" width-obs="167" height-obs="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" /></div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/illus-4.jpg" width-obs="341" height-obs="500" alt="Married to a human being . . ." title="" /> <span class="caption">Married to a human being . . .</span></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_63" id="Page_63"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> </div>
<h2>BRIDES</h2>
<h3>"NEVERS" FOR THE "RIB."</h3>
<div class='cap'>NEVER ask him to kiss you. Make your kisses
a privilege, not a duty; a luxury, not a morning
and evening "chore."</div>
<p>Never refuse to kiss him—but sometimes keep him
waiting a little while. Love thrives so much better
on the stimulant of suspense than on the anaesthetic
of memory.</p>
<p>Never question him about his past love affairs. It
is not the women he <i>has loved</i>, but those he <i>has
not yet loved</i>, who will bother you.</p>
<p>Never fling your old flames in his face. If you do
he will soon cease to be jealous of the men you
"might have married" and begin to <i>envy</i> them.</p>
<p>Never accuse him of being less ardent than he was
before he married you. Many a husband would
never discover that he was no longer madly in love,
if his wife did not keep constantly reminding him
of it.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Never chide him for the same fault more than once.</p>
<p>A man can become so accustomed to the thought
of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them
as charming little "personal characteristics."</p>
<p>Never refer to your own defects. A man always
accepts a woman at her own valuation; and he
doesn't prize anything that advertises herself as a
"second."</p>
<p>Never laugh at him. Woman is supposed to be the
only human joke and man the only laughing animal—except
the hyena.</p>
<p>Never <i>cry</i> before him. A woman's tears soon wash
all the color out of a man's love; after the third
deluge they have no power to move him—except to
move him out of the house.</p>
<p>Never threaten him, scold him nor argue with him.
<i>Act!</i> A woman's arguments affect a man as water
does a cat. He simply waits for them to dry up—and
then he goes out and does as he pleases.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Never doubt his word—even when you <i>know</i> he is
<i>lying</i>. A husband is like religion: to give you any
real comfort, he must be taken with blind faith.</p>
<p>Never put him on a leash. The dog or the husband
that has to be tied is always the one that eventually
has to be advertised in the "lost" columns.</p>
<p>Never forget that marriage should be a privilege,
not a prison; home a refectory, not a reformatory;
and wives jolliers, and not jailers.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width-obs="300" height-obs="166" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_66" id="Page_66"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>SYNCOPATIONS</h2>
<div class='cap'>A "SOUL-MATE" is seldom the siren who
manages to drive a man to distraction, but
just the sympathetic little thing who always
happens to come along when he is <i>looking for
distraction</i>.</div>
<p>Hanging on a man's word may flatter him, but
hanging on his neck merely frightens him.</p>
<p>Every gay dog has his day—after.</p>
<p>One may be loved forever! It is the vain desire to
go on being a "heart-breaker" after one's flirting
days are over that constitutes the real tragedy of
age.</p>
<p>A man regards a woman's love first as an unattainable
dream, then as a boon, then as a blessing, then
as a right, then as a matter-of-course—and, last, as
a punishment.</p>
<p>A man's idea of "preserving the unities" is to find
out what side of an argument his wife is on, and
then take the other side, in order to keep it from
sagging.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>After a bachelor's heart has been patched up, cut
down and remodeled to fit the romantic ideal of one
girl after another, there is seldom enough of it left
to go all the way around the honeymoon.</p>
<p>There is no question of degree in matrimony. You
can be a little bit in love or a little bit ill; but you
can't be a little bit married or a little bit dead.</p>
<p>Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover,
an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature
in a married man.</p>
<p>If your husband is wrapped up in his work from
9 A.M. to 6 P.M. you needn't bother to investigate
his morals. Satan wouldn't waste his talents trying
to tempt a man with so little time and energy for
the devil's business.</p>
<p>You can't argue, frighten or nag a man into loving
you just because he "ought to"—because, dearie,
love is not exactly a man's feeling for a thought-censor,
a creditor or a critic-on-the-hearth.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>There are more ways of killing a man's love than
by strangling it to death—but that's the usual way.</p>
<p>In matters of the heart most men are still in a state
of barbarism, slightly tempered by woman.</p>
<p>A man is never old until his spirit is worn out, his
rosy hopes have turned gray, his illusions have
faded and he has wrinkles on his heart.</p>
<p>An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his
pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition
and his wife in the country.</p>
<p>Every time a man hits a woman's vanity he makes
a dent in her love.</p>
<p>A man's first lie wounds a woman's heart, the second
breaks it, the third mends it, and all the rest
simply harden it.</p>
<p>Dissimulation is the price of peace—but it's awfully
hard for a married woman to preserve the peace by
deceiving her husband into thinking that he is deceiving
her, every time he tries.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_69" id="Page_69"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Of course men are not so suspicious as women. A
woman in love would be jealous of a store dummy;
but how can a man possibly suspect that any girl
on whom he may bestow himself could ever think
of anybody else?</p>
<p>A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman
interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him—but
the considerate woman <i>gets</i> him.</p>
<p>There never was a man too nearsighted to see the
look of admiration in a pretty woman's eyes.</p>
<p>WIFE: The woman from whom a man failed to
escape and to whom he complacently refers as "the
little woman <i>I married</i>."</p>
<p>MARRIAGE: The intermission between the wedding
and the divorce.</p>
<p>WEDDING: The point at which a man stops
toasting a woman and begins roasting her.</p>
<p>Most girls, nowadays, would give a lot for a few
solid vows, a few unshrinkable signs of devotion and
a really convincing kiss.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>It isn't a husband's disinclination to listen to his
wife's conversation, but that "I-am-ready-to-bear-with-you"
expression with which he does it that
grates on her nerves so.</p>
<p>The average man has so much heart that he apparently
thinks it a pity to waste it all on one
woman.</p>
<p>Alas! Why is it that when your cup of happiness
is full <i>somebody</i> always jogs your elbow!</p>
<p>Never judge a man's love by the ardor of his first
kiss, nor by the tenderness of his second, but by
the eagerness with which he seeks the third.</p>
<p>When it comes to making love, a girl can always
listen so much faster than a man can talk.</p>
<p>If nothing but their heart-strings became entangled,
people would not find the marriage tie so binding;
it is a man's purse-strings and a woman's apron-strings
that really form the Gordian knot.</p>
<p>In love, a man loses first his head, then his vanity,
then his poise—and, last of all, his heart.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_71" id="Page_71"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>It is much more comfortable to be considered a
"little devil" and get a credit mark every time you
do anything right, than to be considered an "angel"
and get a black mark every time you do anything
human.</p>
<p>Love is a game at which a woman must play
against stacked cards, and without the slightest
inkling of the trump.</p>
<p>A woman's last resort is henna—a man's Gehenna.</p>
<p>To a woman marriage is the beginning of life; to
a man it is the end of "liberty and the pursuit of
happiness."</p>
<p>Perfect wife: That which a married man always
fancies he might have gotten if he had kept on
experimenting a little longer.</p>
<p>Why is it that, no matter how much a man thinks
of one girl, he can't help thinking of a lot of others
at the same time?</p>
<p>Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be
satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand
new place.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote2'>
IT IS QUITE CORRECT
TO SEND YOUR FORMER
HUSBAND A GIFT ON
THE ANNIVERSARY OF
YOUR DIVORCE, IN REMEMBRANCE
OF "THE
MANY HAPPY DAYS
WHICH YOU HAVE
SPENT—APART" <ANTIMG src="images/decoration2.png" width-obs="95" height-obs="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" /></div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/illus-5.jpg" width-obs="347" height-obs="500" alt="In remembrance." title="" /> <span class="caption">In remembrance.</span></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>DIVORCES</h2>
<div class='cap'>LOVE, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce,
the inquest.</div>
<p>Most marriages, nowadays, seem built for speed
rather than for endurance.</p>
<p>A divorcée is one who has graduated from the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Corespondence'">Correspondence</ins>
School of Experience.</p>
<p>Marriage, according to the merry Widow-reno, is
a "perfectly lovely experience to have <i>had!</i>"</p>
<p>Grass Widow: The angel whom a man loved, the
human being he married, and the devil he divorced.</p>
<p>Most actresses are married—now and then; most
literary women—off and on; most society women—from
time to time.</p>
<div class='poem2'>
In olden days, the lover cried, in burning words and brave,<br/>
"Oh darling, be my Queen, my Bride—and let me be your slave!"<br/>
But nowadays, he murmurs, over cigarette and tea,<br/>
"Say, when you get your <i>next</i> divorce, will you (puff) marry me?"<br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_74" id="Page_74"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>When a woman obtains her second divorce, one
hardly knows whether to class her as a good loser,
a bad chooser, or just a "poor sport."</p>
<p>Why is it that when a man hears that a woman has
had a "past," he is always so anxious to brighten
up her present?</p>
<p>Many a woman's sole reason for getting a divorce
is because she is tired of holding onto heaven with
one hand and onto a man with the other.</p>
<p>When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't
a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.</p>
<p>That "just-after-the-divorce" feeling is not the exhilarating
thing many people imagine it. It is more
like the mingled sensation of pain and relief that
comes the moment after you have removed a tight
slipper and before the ache has subsided.</p>
<p>Divorce is the Great Divide, over which most men
expect to pass into the Happy Hunting Grounds.</p>
<p>Reno! The land of the free and the grave of the
home!</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_75" id="Page_75"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /></div>
<h2>THIRD INTERLUDE</h2>
<div class='cap'>IN the abstract a man admires nobility and intelligence
in a woman; but in the concrete he
always prefers a bird of Paradise to a wren, a
decoration to an inspiration and incense to common
sense.</div>
<p>"Intuition" is what a man calls a girl's ability to
see through him, before marriage; "suspicion" is
what he calls it, after marriage.</p>
<p>Satan, himself, could no doubt make any woman
love him, if he took the trouble to convince her
that it was "her beauty that drove him to Hades."</p>
<p>Of course, polygamy is dreadful; but, at least, an
Oriental wife can come within four or five guesses of
knowing where her husband spends his evenings.</p>
<p>Take care of a woman's vanity—and her love will
take care of itself.</p>
<p>Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the
apple, woman's punishment has been to have to
supply a man with food and then suffer the consequences
when it disagrees with him.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>The wings of love are not clipped by marriage;
they merely <i>molt</i> for lack of exercise.</p>
<p>All love is 99.44 per cent pure: pure imagination,
pure vanity, pure curiosity, pure folly or whatever
else it happens to be.</p>
<p>Don't waste your tears on the girls a heart-breaker
<i>should</i> have married and didn't; save them for the
girl he <i>will</i> marry and <i>shouldn't</i>.</p>
<p>It requires a little moisture to make a postage
stamp stick and a little cold water of indifference
to make a sweetheart stick.</p>
<p>There are only two kinds of perfectly faultless men—the
dead and the deadly.</p>
<p>In order to see a man in his most interesting colors
a woman always has to scrape off a lot of unnecessary
whitewashing.</p>
<p>Marriage is a discord that turns "Love's Old Sweet
Song" from a eulogy into an elegy.</p>
<p>The height of the average girl's ambition is just
about six feet.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>You can always cure a man of love-sickness with
"mental suggestion" merely by suggesting to him
that the girl is trying to marry him.</p>
<p>Marriage is the operation by which a woman's
vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without
an anaesthetic.</p>
<p>Jealousy is the false alarm that wakes us up from
love's young dream.</p>
<p>The most successful men are not those who have
been inspired by a wise woman's love, but those
who have perspired in order to gratify a foolish
woman's whims.</p>
<p>It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing
than to keep one lover after he has stopped guessing.</p>
<p>A man's soul lies so close to his digestion that when
he looks blue and downhearted, a woman never
knows whether to offer him a kiss, a meal, a dose
of philosophy or a dyspepsia tablet.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_78" id="Page_78"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A woman is so complex that she can prove to a
man by every possible convincing argument that
she feels nothing but platonic friendship for him,
at the same time that she is thinking how she would
like to run her fingers through his hair.</p>
<p>One reason why a man's life is so much fuller than
a woman's is because he spends nearly three-quarters
of it in hunting up things for a woman to do.</p>
<p>Oh yes, a woman always looks up to a brave, strong
man whom she can respect—and then nine times
out of ten, goes and marries some pallid weakling
whom she can "mother."</p>
<p>A man spends his boyhood struggling against an
education, his youth struggling against matrimony
and his middle-age struggling against embonpoint;
but sooner or later he succumbs to all of them.</p>
<p>No man wants an "equal" but an angel. If Satan
himself should decide to marry he wouldn't go
around looking for a congenial little Satanette, but
for a paragon who had a pull with St. Peter.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width-obs="300" height-obs="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> </div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_80" id="Page_80"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote3'>HALF A LOVE
IS BETTER
THAN NONE</div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/illus-6.jpg" width-obs="346" height-obs="500" alt="Half a love . . ." title="" /> <span class="caption">Half a love . . .</span></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_81" id="Page_81"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>WIDOWS</h2>
<div class='cap'>A WIDOW is a fascinating being with the
flavor of maturity, the spice of experience,
the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced
coquetry, and the halo of one man's approval.</div>
<p>Second mourning is that interesting period, at which
a widow continues to weep with one eye while she
begins to flirt with the other.</p>
<p>When a widow comes in at the door, a debutante's
chances fly out of the window.</p>
<p>No matter how many wrinkles a widow may have
in her face, she always has enough at her fingertips
to offset them.</p>
<p>Even a dead husband gives a widow some advantage
over a spinster; the very debts her husband
left afford her something to boast about to the
unmarried woman who has only her own board
bills to pay.</p>
<p>A girl takes a man for better or for worse—but
a widow merely takes him for granted.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_82" id="Page_82"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Girls are the milk and honey which sweeten a man's
life; widows, the caviare and wine which relieve its
flatness and give it spice and piquancy.</p>
<p>A girl knows exactly what kind of man she wants
to marry; but a widow knows all the kinds she
<i>doesn't</i> want to marry, and usually makes a safe
selection by the wise process of elimination.</p>
<p>A widow's chief consolation in remarrying is probably
that she finds it less exhausting to sit up and
wait for one man to come home evenings, than to
sit up and wait for a lot of them to go home.</p>
<p>Widows have all the honor and glory without any
of the trials of matrimony; a live husband may be
a necessity, but a dead one is a luxury.</p>
<p>Matrimony is the price of love—widowhood, the
rebate.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>IMPROVISATIONS</h2>
<div class='cap'>SPRING flowers are like spring love, so sweet
and tender, but doomed to fade quickly; it's in
the autumn of life, or of the year, that we
get the hardy variety of either.</div>
<p>A man may honestly admire a superior woman;
but when it comes to marrying, he usually looks
about for something far enough beneath him to
enjoy being ordered about and patted on the head.</p>
<p>A girl's heart is like her dressing-table—crowded
with tenderly cherished little souvenirs of love; a
man's, like his pipe, is carefully cleaned and
emptied after each flame has gone out.</p>
<p>A man doesn't ask a girl to "name the day" any
more; he merely pleads guilty to loving her and
then closes his eyes while she passes sentence on
him and decide when he shall begin "serving time."</p>
<p>When a woman reforms she bleaches her conscience
down to the roots as she does her hair; a man
simply gives his a coat of whitewashing so that he
will have a nice, clean space in which to begin all
over again.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>When a bachelor sniffs through his letters before
opening them in the morning, it is not a sign that
he is looking for dynamite, but that he is looking
for a note bearing a brand of sachet which he has
mistaken for some girl's "sweet personality."</p>
<p>At the awakening from love's young dream the
woman's first thought is, "How can I break his
heart?" The man's, "How can I break away?"</p>
<p>A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman
through her imagination, and then they both speak
of it as an affair of "the heart."</p>
<p>No, Clarice, a man's idea of being loved isn't
exactly being followed around with a hot water
bottle, a box of pills and the eternal question: "Do
you love me as much as ever?"</p>
<p>One grass widow doesn't make a summer resort—but
she can always make it interesting.</p>
<p>When a man has baggy trousers nowadays it is
from falling on his knees to an automobile—not to
a girl.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A black lie always shows up against the dazzling
background of truth; it's all the little white ones
a man keeps telling you that can't be spotted or
distinguished from the rest of his conversation.</p>
<p>The only time when a sense of humor profits a
woman anything is when she can laugh at herself
for having tried to charm a man by dazzling him
with it.</p>
<p>Most men fall in love with a sudden jolt, and wake
up to find that they are married to an "impulse."</p>
<p>It's a lame love that has to be carried through the
honeymoon in a three-thousand-dollar touring car.</p>
<p>In the mathematics of a bachelor one kiss makes
a flirtation, two kisses make one conquest, three
kisses make a love-affair and four kisses make one
tired.</p>
<p>There are "chain-smokers" who light one cigarette
from the dying end of another—and there are also
"chain lovers" who light one flame from the dying
embers of another.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Eve had one advantage over all the rest of her sex.
In his wildest moments of rage Adam never could
accuse her of being "just like her <i>mother!</i>"</p>
<p>Every woman has a different notion of an ideal
husband; but every woman's ideal lover is the same
impossible combination of saint and devil, brute
and baby, hero and mollycoddle, that never is seen
anywhere off the stage or outside the pages of a
"best thriller."</p>
<p>Love is a voyage of discovery, marriage the goal—and
divorce the relief expedition.</p>
<p>A man never can comprehend why a woman can't
understand how he can be dead in love with one
girl and acutely alive to the charms of a lot of
others at the same time.</p>
<p>Jealousy is the tie that binds—and binds—and
binds.</p>
<p>It is not the fear of being shipwrecked that keeps
a bachelor from embarking on the sea of matrimony;
it is the awful horror of being becalmed.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Nowadays most women grow old gracefully; most
men, disgracefully.</p>
<p>A man can forgive a woman for having made a fool
of herself over any man on earth—except himself.</p>
<p>Eternity: The interval between the time when a
woman discovers that a man is in love with her
and the time when he finds it out himself and tells
her about it.</p>
<p>The follies which a man regrets the most, in his life,
are those which he didn't commit when he had the
opportunity.</p>
<p>In the average man's opinion the command, "Thou
shalt not steal," does not apply to a kiss, a heart,
an umbrella, an hotel or an after-dinner story.</p>
<p>To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the
beginning; to a man, it is the beginning of the end.</p>
<p>The qualities a man seeks in a bride no more resemble
those he will want in a wife than a cabaret
rag-ditty resembles a lullaby, but two years ahead
is farther than any man can see when he is looking
into a pretty girl's eyes.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_88" id="Page_88"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote4'>
YOU MAY GROOM, YOU MAY POLISH HIM UP AS YOU WILL,<br/></div>
<div class='quote4'>BUT THE MARK OF THE "M A R R I E D M A N" CLINGS TO HIM STILL.<br/></div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/illus-7.jpg" width-obs="355" height-obs="500" alt="You may polish him up . . ." title="" /> <span class="caption">You may polish him up . . .</span></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_89" id="Page_89"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>WIDOWERS</h2>
<div class='cap'>THE tenderest, most impressionable thing on
earth is the heart of a yearling widower.</div>
<p>Of course it is easier to marry a widower than a
bachelor. A man who has been through the Armageddon
of <i>one</i> marriage has no spirit of battle left
in him.</p>
<p>When a widow begins curling her hair, again, or
a widower begins worrying about his thinness on
top, Cupid chuckles and gets out his arrows and
Satan smiles behind his hand.</p>
<p>In the matrimonial market a seasoned bachelor is
just a shop-worn remnant; a divorcé is a cast-off,
second-hand article; but a widower is a treasured
heirloom inherited only through death.</p>
<p>After his wedding day, a man usually tucks all the
flattering adjectives and tender nothings in his
vocabulary away in a pigeon-hole and marks them
"Not to be opened until widowerhood."<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_90" id="Page_90"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Perhaps there may not be so much excitement in
marrying a widower; but there is a lot more comfort
in getting something that another woman has
broken to double harness than in lashing yourself
to a bucking bronco fresh from the wild.</p>
<p>No matter how unhappy a man may have been with
his first wife nothing on earth will make him flatter
her successor by acknowledging that she was not a
combination of Circe, St. Cecilia and the Venus di
Milo.</p>
<p>The girl who marries a widower may be a sort of
"second edition," but the girl who marries a seasoned
bachelor is apt to be a forty-second edition.</p>
<p>When a widower vows he will "never marry again,"
listen for the wedding bells! The "Never-agains"
are the easiest fruit in the Garden of Love. It's the
"Never-at-alls!" who are harder than a newsboy's
conscience, colder than yesterday's kiss, and less
impressionable than a boarding-house steak.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>If a woman could foresee how irresistible her husband
would look with a bereaved expression on his
face and a black band on his coat sleeve, it would
give her the strength to live forever.</p>
<p>Some widowers <i>are</i> bereaved—others, relieved.</p>
<p>A man may forget all about how to make love during
ten years of matrimony, but it's wonderful how
quickly he can brush up on the fine points again
after he becomes a widower.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width-obs="300" height-obs="166" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_92" id="Page_92"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /></div>
<h2>FOURTH INTERLUDE</h2>
<div class='cap'>A MAN always looks at a woman through either
the right or the wrong end of a telescope,
and thus always sees her as a divinity or a
devil—never as a human being.</div>
<p>Business girl's motto: "Better marry and be a poor
man's slave than stay single and be a rich man's
stenographer."</p>
<p>When a clever girl lets fly the arrows of wit she
should be careful to see that a man's vanity is not
the bull's eye.</p>
<p>It is difficult for a man to reconcile a girl's absorbing
interest in picture-hats, pearl powder, and
Paquin models with real brains; but somehow his
own enthusiasm for baseball and golf never seems
to him incompatible with superior intelligence.</p>
<p>Don't fancy your husband has ceased to love you
merely because he no longer seems to notice your
presence around the house; wait until he gets so
that he doesn't even notice your absence.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A good husband is one who will get up and lift
the ice off the dumbwaiter instead of lying back and
lifting his voice to tell you how to do it without
"hurting your itsy bitsy fingers."</p>
<p>The shallower a man's love, the more it bubbles
over into eloquence. When his emotions go deep,
words stick in his throat, and have to be hauled
out of him with a derrick.</p>
<p>To be happy with a man you must understand him
a lot and love him a little; to be happy with a
woman you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.</p>
<p>A man with <i>savoir faire</i> may scintillate in a crowd,
but it takes a "bashful man" to shine in a dim cozy
corner.</p>
<p>Every bride fancies that she married the original
"cave-man" until she tries to persuade him to go
out and argue with the furniture-movers.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_94" id="Page_94"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>What a man calls his conscience in a love affair
is merely a pain in his vanity, the moral ache that
accompanies a headache, or the mental action that
follows a sentimental reaction.</p>
<p>It never pays to compromise! Cheap clothes, cheap
literature, cheap sports, cheap flirtations—a life
filled with these is nothing but an electric flash,
advertising "something just as good."</p>
<p>Just at first, every man seems to fancy that it takes
nothing but brute force and determination to run
an automobile or a wife; after the smash-up he
changes his mind.</p>
<p>Brains and beauty are an impossible combination
in a woman—not necessarily impossible to <i>find</i>, but
impossible to <i>live with</i>.</p>
<p>When a woman looks at a man in evening dress,
she sometimes can't help wondering why he wants
to blazon his ancestry to the world by wearing a
coat with a long tail to it.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_95" id="Page_95"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>When a man says he loves you don't ask him
"Why," because by the time he has found his reason
he will undoubtedly have lost his enthusiasm.</p>
<p>Pshaw! It is no more reasonable to expect a man
to love you tomorrow because he loves you today,
than it is to assume that the sun will be shining
tomorrow because the weather is pleasant today.</p>
<p>Sending a man a sentimental note, just after he has
spent the evening with you, has about the same
thrilling effect as offering him a sandwich, immediately
after dinner.</p>
<p>A "good woman," according to Mrs. Grundy, is one
who would scorn to sacrifice society for the sake of
a man but will cheerfully sacrifice the man she
marries for the sake of society.</p>
<p>The flower of a man's love is not an immortelle,
but a morning-glory; which fades the moment the
sun of a woman's smiles becomes too intense and
glowing.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_96" id="Page_96"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>The sweetest part of a love affair is just before the
confession when you begin discussing love in the
abstract and gazing concretely into one another's
eyes.</p>
<p>Marriage is a photogravure made from the glowing
illusions which Love has painted on the canvas of
the heart.</p>
<p>A woman may have to reach heaven before she
tastes supernal joy; but to taste supreme punishment
she has only to watch the love-mist die out
of a man's eyes.</p>
<p>Nothing frightens a man like a woman's stony
silence. Somehow in spite of his lack of intuition,
he has a subconscious premonition that her love is
<i>dead</i> when she is too weary and disinterested to
"<i>answer back</i>."</p>
<p>The satisfaction in flattering a man consists in the
fact that, whether you lay it on thick or thin, rough
or smooth, a little of it is always bound to stick.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_97" id="Page_97"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Love is a furnace in which the man builds the fire,
and forever afterward expects the woman to keep
it glowing, by supplying all the fuel.</p>
<p>The gods must love summer flirtations—they die so
young.</p>
<p>A man may have heart enough to love more than
one woman at a time, but unless he is a fatalist he
should have brains enough not to try it.</p>
<p>When love dies a wise married couple give its ashes
a respectful burial, and hang a good photograph
of it on the wall for the benefit of the public.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decoration1.png" width-obs="150" height-obs="103" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote2'>
EVERY TIME A MAN
FALLS IN LOVE HE
FANCIES THAT HE HAS
JUST DISCOVERED A
BRAND NEW SENSATION;
BUT, ALAS, IT ALWAYS
TURNS OUT, LIKE THE
HOTEL SOUP, TO BE
JUST THE SAME OLD
"STOCK" WITH A DIFFERENT
FLAVORING</div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/illus-7a.jpg" width-obs="336" height-obs="500" alt="A brand new sensation . . ." title="" /> <span class="caption">A brand new sensation . . .</span></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_99" id="Page_99"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>SECOND MARRIAGES</h2>
<h3>HINTS ON HOW TO CONDUCT ENCORE<br/> PERFORMANCES OF THE CEREMONY</h3>
<div class='cap'>A BRIDE at her second wedding does not wear
a veil. She wants to <i>see</i> what she is getting.</div>
<p>Always send your former husband a notice of your
marriage; true politeness consists in giving pleasure
to others.</p>
<p>If you meet your ex-husband's fiancée, treat her
with sympathetic courtesy. Remember that she is
more to be pitied than scorned.</p>
<p>If the bridegroom does not show up, marry the best
man. After a few weeks you will not be able to
notice the difference between them. Either will
make you the same old excuses, tell you the same
stories and give you the same "stock" kisses in the
morning.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_100" id="Page_100"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>When your second husband begins to speak wistfully
of your first husband, do not chide him; remember
that misery loves company, and perhaps it
is a comfort to him to think that some one else has
been as foolish as he has.</p>
<p>Never consider your wedding a settled thing until
you have gotten the man to the altar. The primary
rule for marrying is "First catch your husband!"</p>
<p>Besides, there's many a slip 'twixt the license and
the certificate—and you may let him slip.</p>
<p>In selecting husbands, always consider that it is
quality, not quantity, that counts.</p>
<p>One or two marriages, like one or two drinks, may
not have any visible effect upon you. But don't
make it a custom.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_101" id="Page_101"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A woman marries the first time, you know, for
love, the second time for companionship, the third
time for a support—and the rest of the time just
from habit.</p>
<p>When marrying a second time refrain from asking
your friends what they think about it. Remember
that they all think you are a fool.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width-obs="300" height-obs="166" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>INTERMEZZO</h2>
<div class='cap'>A MAN'S kisses are first reverent, then rapturous,
then tender, then casual, and last—charitable.</div>
<p>The hardest thing in life is to discover the exact
geographical location of a man's grouch—whether
it is in his tooth, his vanity or his digestion, or is
just a chronic condition of the whole system.</p>
<p>Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will in an
automobile; being married, like a trolley trip on
rails, with somebody ringing the bell at you every
few minutes.</p>
<p>A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness,
childlike inconsistency, torturing jealousy and
sublime unselfishness—and how is a man ever going
to comprehend a mixture like that?</p>
<p>Alas, why is it that the most popular and fascinating
women are so often the last to marry, and then
nearly always pluck either a broken stick from the
tide of life or a brand from the burning?<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all
women can be fooled some of the time, but the same
woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same
way more than half of the time.</p>
<p>A woman always wants her photograph to flatter
her, but a man is perfectly satisfied if he gets one
that looks as fascinating and impressive as he thinks
he does.</p>
<p>A jealous husband can put two and two together—and
make fourteen.</p>
<p>When a man hesitates to propose to a girl he is
never quite sure whether it is the fear of being
"turned down" or the fear of being "taken up"
which paralyzes him.</p>
<p>Spring is the time of the year when the eternal
monotony of the daily grind gives a man brain-fag—and
the eternal monotony of any one girl appears
to give him heart-fag.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything
she says to a man and takes a grain of salt with
everything he says to her.</p>
<p>Of course, a girl hates to wound a man; but sometimes,
after a painful parting, it would seem so much
more artistic if he would only <i>remain</i> "wounded"
just a little longer.</p>
<p>Making a man promise to drop a woman simply
excites his sympathy for her, so that, before he has
fairly cut the string, he is anxious to tie a knot in
it again.</p>
<p>The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to
prove to a man that his intentions are serious.</p>
<p>Love, without faith, illusions and trust, is—Lord
forgive us—cinders, ashes and dust!</p>
<p>A man who strays for love of a woman may sometimes
be reclaimed; but the man who strays for
love of amusement or love or novelty will never
"stay put" for any girl.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_105" id="Page_105"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Most girls, nowadays, would give almost as much
for a little genuine sentiment and a really convincing
kiss, as for a genuine "old master" and a really
convincing novel.</p>
<p>There are a hundred things that the cleverest man
in the world never <i>can</i> understand—and ninety-nine
of them are women.</p>
<p>Many a man who is too tender-hearted to pour salt
on an oyster will pour sarcasm all over his wife's
vanity and then wonder why she always shrivels
up in her shell at the sight of him.</p>
<p>A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who
marries a butterfly, expecting to turn her into a
grub, should remember that nature never works that
way.</p>
<p>A married man's hardest cross is not to be able to
brag to his wife about the women who "tried to
flirt with him."<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Plato has lured more men into matrimony than
Cupid. A man can <i>see</i> an arrow coming and dodge
it, but platonic friendship strikes him in the back.</p>
<p>Many a man has started out to "string" a girl, and
gotten so tangled up, that the string ended in a
marriage tie.</p>
<p>Habit is the cement which holds the links of matrimony
together when the ties of romance have
crumbled.</p>
<p>He that telleth a secret unto a married man may
prepare himself for a lot of free advertising; for,
lo, the conjugal pillow is the root of all gossip.</p>
<p>To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works
too hard, that he spends too much money, that he
is "misunderstood" or that he is "different;" none
of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will
flatter him infinitely more than merely telling him
that he is brilliant, or noble, or wise, or good.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_107" id="Page_107"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>After a woman has lain awake half the night in
order to be able to call her husband in time to catch
his train it's rather hard to be hated for it, just like
an alarm clock.</p>
<p>A man expects a woman to laugh at all his jokes,
admire all his bon mots, agree with all his opinions,
and be blind to all his faults—and then he scornfully
wonders why women are so "hypocritical."</p>
<p>A diamond and a lump of coal are merely two
varieties of carbon; but they are as different as the
two things which the right wife and the wrong wife
can make of the same man.</p>
<p>Sometimes man proposes—and then keeps the girl
waiting until the Lord kindly interposes.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decoration1.png" width-obs="150" height-obs="103" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_108" id="Page_108"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote2'>A WOMAN
FLEES FROM
TEMPTATION,
BUT A MAN
JUST <i>CRAWLS</i>
AWAY FROM IT
IN THE CHEERFUL
HOPE
THAT IT MAY
OVERTAKE HIM</div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/illus-8.jpg" width-obs="344" height-obs="500" alt="A man just crawls away . . ." title="" /> <span class="caption">A man just crawls away . . .</span></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_109" id="Page_109"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>WOMAN—AND HER INFINITE VARIETY</h2>
<h3>(A LEAF FROM ADAM'S DICTIONARY.)</h3>
<div class='cap'>WOMAN—A divine creation for the comfort
and amusement of mankind.</div>
<p>RIB—That part of man's self of which he thinks
the least and brags the most.</p>
<p>WIFE (The Inferior Fraction)—The excuse for all
a man's sins, the cause of all his failings, the keeper
of his conscience, the guardian of his digestion, and
the repository of his grouches.</p>
<p>BETTER-HALF—The half that is always left at
home.</p>
<p>COQUETTE—Any woman who is so unreasonable
as not to return a man's affections.</p>
<p>FLIRT—Any woman, over whom a man has insisted
on making a fool of himself.</p>
<p>OLD MAID—An unmarried woman with more
wrinkles than money.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>BACHELOR GIRL—An unmarried woman with
more money than wrinkles.</p>
<p>KITTEN—Any woman under sixty for whom a
man feels a temporary tenderness.</p>
<p>QUEEN—A pretty woman whom a man has not
yet kissed.</p>
<p>"IDEAL"—The particular woman, to whom a man
happens to be making love.</p>
<p>CLINGING VINE—A woman who allows her husband
to think that he is having his own way.</p>
<p>HELPMATE—A combination of playmate, soul-mate,
and light-running domestic.</p>
<p>GODDESS—An impossible woman, who exists
only in novels and in a man's imagination.</p>
<p>PARAGON—The kind of woman a man ought to
marry, wants to marry, intends to marry—and never
does.</p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_111" id="Page_111"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote2'>
PESSIMISM IS A MAN'S
NATURAL REACTION
AFTER TOO MUCH
OF ANYTHING—WINE,
LOVE, FOOD, FLIRTATION
OR OPTIMISM</div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_112" id="Page_112"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /></div>
<h2>MAXIMS OF CLEOPATRA</h2>
<div class='center'><br/>1</div>
<div class='poem2'><div class='cap'>
THESE three things Man feareth: Oysters out of season,<br/>
A Babe that plays with fire, and a Woman who can <i>reason!</i><br/></div>
</div>
<div class='center'><br/>2</div>
<div class='poem2'>
Last year's sandals and yesterday's fish,<br/>
Last night's kisses and last week's wish<br/>
Are, to a Man, things gone and past;<br/>
Likewise <i>the woman before the last!</i><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_113" id="Page_113"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><br/>3</div>
<div class='poem2'>
The soul of a man is white—or black, or yellow, or dun;<br/>
But a woman's soul is a rainbow and a Roman sash in one.<br/></div>
<div class='center'><br/>4</div>
<div class='poem2'>
Empty the words of the prayer, when the Pharisee prayeth aloud;<br/>
Empty the words of love, when he praiseth thee in a crowd.<br/>
Yet, he that is cold in the crowd, but seeketh thine ear when alone,<br/>
In the land of the Great God Isis by the name of "Cad" shall be known.<br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_114" id="Page_114"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><br/>5</div>
<div class='poem2'>
As the pearl that I dropped in the glass can never again be mine,<br/>
So many a pearl of woman's love hath a man dissolved—in wine.<br/></div>
<div class='center'><br/>6</div>
<div class='poem2'>
Geese walk not alone; sheep will follow sheep;<br/>
So this little maxim I would have ye keep:<br/>
Would ye conquer <i>all</i> men, make a fool of <i>one</i>—<br/>
The rest will turn toward thee, as lilies to the sun.<br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_115" id="Page_115"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><br/>7</div>
<div class='poem2'>
The young man calleth for wine, the old for crystal water.<br/>
Seek not to enslave a <i>boy</i> till thou art thirty, Daughter.<br/></div>
<div class='center'><br/>8</div>
<div class='poem2'>
When the game is over, vain the loser's sigh.<br/>
To thy parting lover, wave a gay good-by!<br/>
'Neath the storm-cloud bending, see the lily laugh.<br/>
If Love's reign be ending—write his epitaph!<br/>
Deck his grave with iris; blot away his name.<br/>
Isis and Osiris, make thy Daughter <i>game!</i><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_116" id="Page_116"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><br/>9</div>
<div class='poem2'>
Flatter him boldly, Daughter, be he old or wise or callow;<br/>
For there is no meed of flattery that a man will fail to swallow.<br/>
Yet, after a time, desist; lest perchance, in his vanity,<br/>
He wonder why such a demi-god should stoop to a worm like thee!<br/></div>
<div class='center'><br/>10</div>
<div class='poem2'>
Call the bald man, "Boy;" make the sage thy toy;<br/>
Greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.<br/><br/></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_117" id="Page_117"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
<tr><td align='left'><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>
<div class='quote2'>
WHERE IS THE SWEET,
OLD-FASHIONED WIFE
WHO USED TO GET UP
AT 6 O'CLOCK IN THE
MORNING AND COOK
HER HUSBAND'S
BREAKFAST? GONE,
GONE, ALAS, WITH
THE SWEET OLD-FASHIONED
HUSBAND
WHO USED TO COME
HOME AT 6 O'CLOCK
IN THE EVENING AND
<i>STAY THERE</i> <ANTIMG src="images/decoration2.png" width-obs="95" height-obs="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" /></div>
<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></td>
</tr></table></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_118" id="Page_118"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="83" alt="top border" title="" /> </div>
<h2>FINALE</h2>
<div class='cap'>ALL the love routes lead to a kiss—but some
men make love with the directness of an
express train, some as haltingly as a local
and some with the charm, smoothness and variation
of a "special."</div>
<p>When a man complains of the girls who "pursue"
him, don't forget that the mark of a real "girl-charmer"
is his dead silence concerning all women
except the one to whom he happens to be talking.</p>
<p>A man's idea of displaying "resolution" appears to
be first to find out what a woman wants him to do,
and then to proceed "resolutely" not to do it.</p>
<p>Presence of mind in love making is a sure sign of
absence of heart; no man begins to be serious until
he begins to be foolish.</p>
<p>The girl a man marries is never the one he ought
to marry or intended to marry, but just some "innocent
bystander" who happened to be in the way at
the psychological moment.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>A woman's heart is like a frame, which holds only
one picture at a time; a man's is more like a cinemetograph.</p>
<p>A man's love is not actually dead until he begins
subconsciously to think of his wife as the person
who makes him wear his rubbers, mow the lawn,
put up the fly-screens, and explain where he has
been all Saturday afternoon.</p>
<p>The average man is so busy backing away from the
girls he ought to marry that he usually backs right
into the arms of the one woman under Heaven
that he <i>ought not</i> to marry.</p>
<p>A man is like a motor-car which always balks on
the trolley-tracks and runs at top speed down hill;
a wife is the human brake that prevents him from
going to destruction.</p>
<p>When a girl refuses a man his greatest emotion is
not disappointment, but astonishment that she
should be so blind to her own luck.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_120" id="Page_120"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Nothing bores a man so much as for a woman to
give him <i>all</i> her love—when he wanted only a
<i>little</i> of it.</p>
<p>Solomon was the only man who ever had six hundred
and ninety-nine alibis when one of his wives
detected the fragrance of another woman's sachet
on his coat lapel.</p>
<p>Every man "rocks the boat" of happiness at least
once during a love affair—usually by trying to leap
out of it before it lands in the port of Matrimony.
All a man needs in order to win any woman is a
little audacity, a little mendacity and plenty of pertinacity.</p>
<p>The only chain that can bind love is an endless
chain of compliments.</p>
<p>When a woman doesn't marry it is usually because
she has never met the man with whom she could
be perfectly happy; but when a man remains single
it is usually because he has never met the woman
<i>without</i> whom he could <i>not</i> be perfectly happy.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_121" id="Page_121"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>Most men expect to "reform" between the last dose
of medicine and the last breath.</p>
<p>Speaking of the modern advance in the "arts and
crafts" it requires more art to get a husband and
more craft to keep one nowadays, than it ever did.</p>
<p>A frank man may be the noblest work of God, but
he is as much of a nuisance in feminine society as
a woman on a fishing trip.</p>
<p>There is always a chance that a man may escape
from the bonds of matrimony; but an old bachelor
is wedded by all the bonds of nature to a collection
of habits from which nothing but death can divorce
him.</p>
<p>By the time he marries, a bachelor's heart has been
pressed, cleaned and mended so often that it will
barely hold together through the honeymoon.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_122" id="Page_122"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>It seems so unreasonable of man to expect a woman
to think straight, walk straight, or talk straight,
considering that she was made from his rib—the
crookedest bone in his body.</p>
<p>Motto for a married man's den: "Others love your
wife, why not <i>you?</i>"</p>
<p>A man's idea of being perfectly loyal to a woman
is to "think of her always"—even when he is kissing
another woman.</p>
<p>Love is just a glittering illusion with which we gild
the hard, cold facts of life—until all the world seems
bright and shining!</p>
<p>Most men are so busy dodging one love affair that
they step right back under the wheels of another,
and are fatally mangled.</p>
<p>A brave man is always ready to "face the music"—provided
it isn't that old tune from Lohengrin.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_123" id="Page_123"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>If married couples would show as much respect
for one another's personal liberty, habits and preferences
as they do for one another's toothbrushes,
love's young dream would not so often turn into a
nightmare. It is the Siamese twin existence they
impose on themselves that drives them to distraction
or destruction.</p>
<p>A man kills time with a golf stick; a woman with
a lip-stick.</p>
<p>It is foolish to fancy that a man is thinking of proposing
to you; a man never proposes to any woman,
until he has gotten past "thinking."</p>
<p>If a man would employ a little more commonsense
before marriage and a little more <i>incense</i> afterwards,
matrimony would be more of an inspiration
and less of a visitation.</p>
<p>Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too
near.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_124" id="Page_124"></SPAN></span></p>
<p>The man who takes a kiss "for granted" doesn't
stand a chance beside the man who takes it before
it is granted.</p>
<p>Husband: A miniature volcano, constantly smoking,
usually grumbling, and always liable to violent
and unexpected eruptions.</p>
<p>On the journey of matrimony, there are no garages
where punctured illusions can be patched up, shattered
ideals mended, and empty hearts refilled.</p>
<p>Of course a man is not as jealous as a woman—because
it's so hard for him to believe that a girl
on whom he bestows himself could possibly wish
for anything better.</p>
<p>The making of a husband out of a mere man is not
a sinecure; it's one of the highest plastic arts known
to civilization.</p>
<p>Before marriage a woman says sweetly, "I understand
you!" After marriage she says coldly, "I see
through you!"<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_125" id="Page_125"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class='poem'>
Oh, what is so stupid as last year's song,<br/>
<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So foolish as last year's fashion,</span><br/>
So completely forgotten as last year's girl,<br/>
<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so dead as a last year's passion?</span><br/></div>
<h3>CURTAIN</h3>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/illus-9.jpg" width-obs="250" height-obs="260" alt="bird" title="" /></div>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> <br/><br/></div>
<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_126" id="Page_126"></SPAN></span></p>
<h2>OTHER BOOKS BY HELEN ROWLAND</h2>
<h3>THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON</h3>
<p>Being the confessions of the 700th wife. A
book that is much appreciated and is destined to
entertain Helen Rowland's fast growing audience
for years to come.</p>
<p>"Yet whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it
all the days of his life."</p>
<div class='center'>
From the Sayings of Mrs. Solomon<br/></div>
<h3><br/>REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL</h3>
<p>Clever, cynical and witty, with a philosophical
trend that will entertain men and woman alike—the
older ones—the younger ones. Read this
book for a mirror likeness to yourself.</p>
<p>Border decorations in color size 5 × 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small>.</p>
<div class='center'>
A Laugh on Every Page<br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_127" id="Page_127"></SPAN></span></p>
<h3><br/>THE WIDOW (TO SAY NOTHING OF THE MAN)</h3>
<p>Here is a little book of delightful love stories,
brimful of clever, witty epigrams. The Widow
is—well, say that she is lovable—only more so;
and the Man—read, know and love both.</p>
<p>Illustrated bound in boards 4<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small> × 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>4</sub></small>.</p>
<h3><br/>RUBAIYAT OF A BACHELOR</h3>
<p>An exceedingly clever parody both in verses
and illustrations. Every yearning, timorous
bachelor should read and ponder; so, too, each
damsel, read and—"then, in your mercy, Friend,
forbear to smile."</p>
<p>Illustrations and border decorations by Harold
Speakman, attractively bound in cloth with inlay
in color size 5<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>4</sub></small> × 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small>.</p>
<div class='center'>
A Laugh on Every Page<br/></div>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_128" id="Page_128"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width-obs="300" height-obs="166" alt="decoration" title="" /></div>
<SPAN name="endofbook"></SPAN>
<div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />