<h2><SPAN name="chap17"></SPAN>CHAPTER XVII</h2>
<p class="letter">
I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson—am examined—a
fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises
himself to attract respect—irises himself to attract respect—is
detected—in hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a
Tavern—carries us to a Night-house—A troublesome adventure
there—we are committed to the Round-house—carried before a
Justice—his behaviour</p>
<p>With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money
he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of examination, when
I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in order to undergo that
ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward hall, I
perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up; and, inquiring into the
state of his love affair, understood it was still undetermined, by reason of
his friend’s absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put
it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business
was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow,
that in case the one failed, he might use the other; and, with this view, he
was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At that instant, a young
fellow came out from the place of examination, with a pale countenance, his lip
quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner
appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost eagerness to know what
reception he had met with; which, after some pause, he described, recounting
all the questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we
obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past,
they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle called
my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was no remedy. I was
conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at
a long table: one of whom bade me come forward, in such an imperious tone, that
I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he
put to me was, “Where was you born?” To which I answered, “In
Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said he; “I know that very
well—we have scarce any other countrymen to examine here—you
Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in
what part of Scotland was you born?” I named the place of my nativity,
which he had never heard of; he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age,
the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I
informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion,
swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as
surgeons; that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English,
to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a time, when
every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least: that my friends
would have done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker; but their
pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty
could not afford the necessary education. This exordium did not at all
contribute to the recovery of my spirits; but on the contrary, reduced me to
such a situation that I was scarcely able to stand; which being perceived by a
plump gentleman who sat opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr.
Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I
need not be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: then, bidding me take time
to recollect myself, he examined me, touching the operation of the trepan, and
was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person who questioned me was
a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen amputation performed; and I
replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said, “What! upon a
dead subject, I suppose?” “If,” continued he, “during
an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot off,
how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I owned such a case had
never come under my observation, neither did I remember to have seen any method
of care proposed for such an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had
perused.</p>
<p>Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the
question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to smile, except
Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the ‘animal risible’
in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his
last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called to a patient of a
plethoric habit, who has been bruised by a fall, what would you do?” I
answered, “I would bleed him immediately.” “What!” said
he, “before you had tied up his arm?” But this stroke of wit not
answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat
next him; and who, with a pert air, asked, what method of cure I would follow
in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of care as it is prescribed
by the best chirurgical writers, which he heard to an end, and then said with a
supercilious smile, “So you think with such treatment the patient might
recover?” I told him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise.
“That may be,” resumed he; “I won’t answer for your
foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed?” I
acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had never seen a wounded
intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some precipitation, “Nor
never will! I affirm that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small,
are mortal.” “Pardon me, brother,” says the fat gentleman,
“there is very good authority—” Here he was interrupted by
the other with—“Sir, excuse me, I despise all
authority—Nullius in verbo—I stand on my own bottom.”
“But sir, sir,” replied his antagonist, “the reason of the
thing shows—” “A fig for reason,” cries this sufficient
member; “I laugh at reason; give me ocular demonstratio.” The
corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and observed, that no man acquainted
with the anatomy of the parts would advance such an extravagant assertion. This
inuendo enraged the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone
exclaimed: “What, Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?”</p>
<p>By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or other of the
disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when the chairman commanded
silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an hour, I was
called in again, received my qualification scaled up, and was ordered to pay
five shillings. I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time,
until one of them bade me begone; to this I replied, “I will when I have
got my change:” upon which another threw me five shillings and sixpence,
saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I
was afterwards obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles, and
a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: this disbursement sank my
finances to thirteen-pence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking off, when
Jackson, perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him, and he
would accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination
should be over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend;
but I was astonished at the change of his dress which was varied in
half-an-hour from what I have already described to a very grotesque fashion.
His head was covered with an old smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked
hair, and a slouched hat over it, which would have very well become a
chimney-sweeper, or a dustman; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the
ends of which he had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby
greatcoat that wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings were
converted into black worsted hose: and his countenance was rendered venerable
by wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting. When I expressed my surprise at
this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me it was done by the advice and
assistance of a friend, who lived over the way, and would certainly produce
something very much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age,
which never fails of attracting respect. I applauded his sagacity, and waited
with impatience for the effects of it. At length he was called in; but whether
the oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity more than small in the board,
or his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not, he was discovered
to be an imposter, and put into the hands of the beadle in order to be sent to
Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerful countenance,
and a surgeon’s qualification in his hand, I perceived him led through
the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very much alarmed, and anxious to know
the occasion; when he called with a lamentable voice, and a piteous aspect to
me, and some others who know him, “For God’s sake, gentlemen bear
witness that I am the same individual John Jackson who served as
surgeon’s second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to
Bridewell!”</p>
<p>It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever lived to
have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address: we therefore
indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and afterwards pleaded his
cause so effectually with the beadle who was gratified with half-a-crown, that
the prisoner was dismissed, and in a few moments renewed his former
gaiety—swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend
every shilling before he went to bed, in treating his friends; at the same time
inviting us all to favour him with our company. It was now ten o’clock at
night, and, as I had a great way to walk through streets that were utterly
unknown to me, I was prevailed on to be of their party, in hopes he would
afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise. He conducted
me to his friend’s house, who kept a tavern over the way where we
continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us
all extremely frolicsome. I, in particular, was so much elevated, that nothing
would serve me but a wench; at which demand Jackson expressed much joy, and
assured me I should have my desire. before we parted Accordingly, when he had
paid the reckoning, we sallied out, roaring and singing; and were conducted by
our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, where Mr. Jackson’s
dress attracted the assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with
caresses, in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them, till at
length sleep began to exert his power over us all, and our conductor called
“To pay.” When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve
shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself the
trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a good deal at
first; but after some recollection, he seized the two ladies who sat by him,
one in each hand, and swore if they did not immediately restore his money he
would charge a constable with them. The good lady at the bar, seeing what
passed, whispered something to the drawer, who went out; and then with great
composure, asked what was the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore
if she refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends
committed to Bridewell. “Robbed!” cried she, “robbed in my
house! Gentlemen and Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has
scandalised my reputation.” At that instant, seeing the constable and
watch enter, she proceeded “What! you must not only endeavour by your
false aspersions to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon my
family! Mr. Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been
guilty of a riot here; I shall take care and bring an action against him for
defamation.”</p>
<p>While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite sober,
one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that passed between us, cried,
“They are all concerned!” and desired the constable to take us all
into custody; an arrest which was performed instantly, to the utter
astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in
such scrapes, was very little concerned, and charged the constable, in his
turn, with the landlady and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried
altogether prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort
to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would
swear next morning before the justice. In a little time the constable, calling
Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and
your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved in such
an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she has kept a
notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years; and although often
complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her interest with the
justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay contribution quarterly for
protection. As she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the
preference, and she can procure evidence to swear whatsoever she shall please
to desire of them; so that, unless you can make it up before morning, you and
your companions may think yourselves happily quit for a month’s hard
labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against
you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session at the Old
Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information had such an effect
upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be
restored. The constable told him, that, instead of retrieving what he had lost,
he was pretty certain it would cost him some more before they could come to any
composition. But, however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased,
sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his
friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this
dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversary,
carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so effectually, that she
condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to
which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be
laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities, to the
inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been extremely
uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had
finished our bowl—to which, by the bye, I had contributed my last
shilling—it was morning, and I proposed to move homeward, when the
constable gave me to understand, he could discharge no prisoners but by order
of the justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I
cursed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.</p>
<p>About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice
not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the constable
enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as follows:
“So Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of rogues have you
been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he
continued: “Ay, ay, thieves. I see—old offenders; oh, your humble
servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your
house. Yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine. You have used
expedition,” said he to me, “in returning from transportation; but
we shall save you that trouble for the future—the surgeons will fetch you
from your next transportation, at their expense.” I assured his worship
he was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before. To this
declaration he replied, “How! you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my
face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent, which you
have assumed? But it shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far
north for you. Here, clerk, write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is
Patrick Gaghagan.” Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was a
Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was
Random. The justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory,
on which he valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a
fierce countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you,
sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who
affronts me upon the bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I
will—for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious
felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was thundered
out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained speechless.
This confusion his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and, to complete the
discovery, continued his threats, “Now, I am convinced you are a
thief—your face discovers it, you tremble all over, your conscience
won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,” raising his
voice, “you’ll be hanged; and happy had it been for the world, as
well as for your own miserable soul, if you had been detected, and cut off in
the beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man’s
confession.” I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable,
going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the
story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling countenance, and,
addressing himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify young
people when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong
impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and
debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus, having cloaked his own
want of discernment under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and
I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been lifted off my
breast.</p>
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