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Potash and Perlmutter: Their Copartnership Ventures and Adventures

<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2> "Who do you think I seen it in Hammersmith's just now, Mawruss?" Abe Potash shouted as he burst into the show-room one Saturday afternoon in April. "I ain't deaf, Abe," Morris replied. "Who did you seen it?" [Pg 336]"J. Edward Kleebaum from Minneapolis," Abe answered. Morris shrugged. "What d'ye want me to do, Abe?" he asked. Abe ignored the question. "He promised he would come in at two o'clock and look over the line," he announced triumphantly. "Plenty crooks looked over our line already, Abe," Morris commented, "and so far as I'm concerned, they could look over it all they want to, Abe, so long as they shouldn't buy nothing from us." "What d'ye mean? Crooks?" Abe cried. "The way Kleebaum talks he would give us an order for a thousand dollars goods, maybe, Mawruss. He ain't no crook." "Ain't he?" Morris replied. "What's the reason he ain't, Abe? The way I look at it, Abe, when a feller makes it a dirty failure like that feller made it in Milwaukee, Abe, and then goes to Cleveland, Abe, and opens up as the bon march, Abe, and does another bust up, Abe, and then he goes to——" "S'enough, Mawruss," Abe interrupted. "Them things is from old times already. To-day is something else again. That feller done a tremendous business last spring, Mawruss, and this season everybody is falling over themselves to sell him goods." "Looky here, Abe," Morris broke in, "you think the feller ain't a crook, and you're entitled to think all you want to, Abe, but I seen it Sol Klinger yesterday, and what d'ye think he told me?" [Pg 337]"I don't know what he told you, Mawruss," Abe replied, "but it wouldn't be the first time, Mawruss, that a feller tells lies about a concern that he couldn't sell goods to, Mawruss. It's the old story of the dawg and the grapes." Morris looked hurt. "I'm surprised you should call a decent, respectable feller like Sol Klinger a dawg, Abe," he said. "That feller has always been a good friend of ours, Abe, and even if he wouldn't be, Abe, that ain't no way to talk about a concern what does a business like Klinger & Klein." "Don't make no speeches, Mawruss," Abe retorted. "Go ahead and tell me what Sol Klinger told it you about J. Edward Kleebaum." "Why, Sol Klinger says that he hears it on good authority, Abe, that that lowlife got it two oitermobiles, Abe. What d'ye think for a crook like that?" "So far what I hear it, Mawruss, it ain't such a terrible crime that a feller should got it two oitermobiles. In that case, Mawruss, Andrew Carnegie would be a murderer yet. I bet yer he got already fifty oitermobiles." "S'all right, Abe," Morris cried. "Andrew Carnegie ain't looking to buy off us goods, Abe, and even so, Abe, he never made it a couple of failures like Kleebaum, Abe." "Well, Mawruss, is that all you got against him that he owns an oitermobile? Maybe he plays golluf, too, Mawruss." [Pg 338]"Golluf I don't know nothing about, Abe," Morris replied, "but auction pinochle he does play it, Abe. Sol Klinger says that out in Minneapolis Kleebaum hangs out with a bunch of loafers what considers a dollar a hundred chicken feed already." Abe rose to his feet. "Let me tell you something, Mawruss," he said. "I got over them old fashioned idees that a feller shouldn't spend the money he makes in the way what he wants to. If Kleebaum wants to buy oitermobiles, that's his business, not mine, Mawruss, and for my part, Mawruss, if that feller was to come in here and buy from us a thousand dollars goods, Mawruss, I am in favor we should sell him." "You could do what you please, Abe," Morris declared as he put on his hat. "Only one thing I beg of you, Abe, don't never put it up to me, Abe, that I was in favor of the feller from the start." "Sure not, Mawruss," Abe replied, "because you wouldn't never let me forget it. Where are you going now, Mawruss?" "I told you yesterday where I was going, Abe," Morris said impatiently. "Me and Minnie is going out to Johnsonhurst to see her cousin Moe Fixman." "Moe Fixman," Abe repeated. "Ain't that the same Fixman what was partners together with Max Gudekunst?" Morris nodded. "Well, you want to keep your hand on your pocketbook,[Pg 339] Mawruss," Abe went on, "because I hear it on good authority that feller ain't above selling the milk from his baby's bottle." Morris paused with his hand on the door knob. "That's the first I hear about it, Abe," he said. "Certainly, when a feller gets together a little money, y'understand, always there is somebody what knocks him, Abe. Who told you all this about Fixman, Abe?" "A feller by the name Sol Klinger, Mawruss," Abe replied, "and if you don't believe me you could——" But Morris cut off further comment by banging the door behind him and Abe turned to his task of preparing the sample line for his prospective customer's inspection. A half an hour later J. Edward Kleebaum entered the show-room and extended his hand to Abe. "Hallo, Potash," he said. "You got to excuse me I'm a little late on account I had to look at a machine up on Fiftieth Street." "That's a sample I suppose, ain't it?" Abe said. "No," Kleebaum replied, "it's one of their stock machines, a Pfingst, nineteen-nine model." "Pfingst!" Abe exclaimed, "that's a new one on me. Certainly, I believe a feller should buy the machines what suits his purpose, but with Mawruss and me, when we was running our own shop we bought nothing but standard makes like Keeler and Silcox and them other machines." [Pg 340]At this juncture Kleebaum broke into a hearty laugh. "This machine is all right for what I would want it," he said. "In fact, I got it right down in front of the door now. It's a nineteen-nine Pfingst, six cylinder roadster up to date and runs like a chronometer already." "Oh, an oitermobile!" Abe cried. "Excuse me, Mr. Kleebaum. Oitermobiles ain't in my line, Mr. Kleebaum. I'm satisfied I should know something about the cloak and suit business, Mr. Kleebaum. Now, here is a garment which me and Mawruss don't consider one of our leaders at all, Mr. Kleebaum. But I bet yer that if another concern as us would put out a garment like that, Mr. Kleebaum, they would make such a holler about it that you would think nobody else knows how to make garments but them." "When a feller's got the goods, Potash," Kleebaum replied, as he lit one of Abe's "gilt-edged" cigars, "he's got a right to holler. Now you take this here Pfingst car. It is made by the Pfingst Manufacturing Company, a millionaire concern, and them people advertise it to beat the band. And why shouldn't they advertise it? Them people got a car there which it is a wonder, Potash. How they could sell a car like that for twenty-five hundred dollars I don't know. The body alone must cost them people a couple of thousand dollars." "That's always the way, Mr. Kleebaum," Abe[Pg 341] broke in hurriedly. "Now, you take this here garment, Mr. Kleebaum, people would say, 'How is it possible that Potash & Perlmutter could turn out a garment like this for eighteen dollars?' And certainly, Mr. Kleebaum, I don't say we lose money on it, y'understand, only we got——" "But this here car, Potash, has selective transmission, shaft drive and——" "Say, lookyhere, Kleebaum," Abe cried, "am I trying to sell you some cloaks or are you trying to sell me an oitermobile? Because if you are, I'm sorry I got to tell you I ain't in the market for an oitermobile just at present. On the other hand, Mr. Kleebaum, I got a line of garments here which it is a pleasure for me to show you, even if you wouldn't buy so much as a button." "Go ahead, Potash," Kleebaum said, "and we'll talk about the car after you get through." For over two hours Abe displayed the firm's sample line and his efforts were at last rewarded by a generous order from Kleebaum. "That makes in all twenty-one hundred dollars' worth of goods," Kleebaum announced, "and if you think you could stand the pressure, Potash, I could smoke another cigar on you already." "Excuse me, Mr. Kleebaum!" Abe cried, producing another of his best cigars. "Much obliged," Kleebaum mumbled as he lit up. "And now, Abe, after business comes with me pleasure. What d'ye say to a little spin uptown in this[Pg 342] here Pfingst car which I got it waiting for me downstairs." Abe waved his hand with the palm out. "You could go as far as you like, Mr. Kleebaum," he replied, "but when it comes to oitermobiles, Mr. Kleebaum, you got to excuse me. I ain't never rode in one of them things yet, and I guess you couldn't learn it an old dawg he should study new tricks. Ain't it?" "D'ye mean to tell me you ain't never rode in an oitermobile yet?" Kleebaum exclaimed. "You got it right," Abe said, "and what's more I ain't never going to neither." "What you trying to give me?" Kleebaum asked. "You mean to say if I would ask you you should come riding with me now, you would turn me down?" "I bet yer I would," Abe declared. "An up-to-date feller like you, Kleebaum, is different already from an old-timer like me. I got a wife, Kleebaum, and also I don't carry a whole lot of insurance neither, y'understand." "Come off, Potash!" Kleebaum cried. "I rode myself in oitermobiles already millions of times and I ain't never been hurted yet." "Some people's got all the luck, Kleebaum," Abe replied. "With me I bet yer if I would ride in an oitermobile once, y'understand, the least that would happen to me is I should break my neck." "How could you break your neck in a brand new[Pg 343] car like that Pfingst car downstairs?" Kleebaum insisted. "Never mind," Abe answered, "if things is going to turn out that way, Mr. Kleebaum, you could break your neck in a baby carriage yet." "Well, don't get mad about it, Potash," Kleebaum said. "Me, I don't get mad so easy," Abe declared. "Wouldn't you come downstairs to Hammersmith's and take a cup coffee or something?" Together they descended to the sidewalk where they were saluted by a tremendous chugging from the Pfingst roadster. "Say, my friend," the demonstrating chauffeur cried as he caught sight of Kleebaum, "what d'ye think I'm running anyway? A taxicab?" "You shouldn't get fresh, young feller," Kleebaum retorted, "unless you would want to lose your job." "Aw, quit your stalling," the chauffeur protested. "Is this the guy you was telling me about?" Kleebaum frowned and contorted one side of his face with electrical rapidity. "Say, my friend," the chauffeur replied entirely unmoved, "them gestures don't go down with me. Is this the guy you was telling the boss you would jolly into buying a car, because——" Kleebaum turned to Abe and elaborately assumed an expression of amiable deprecation. "That's a salesman for you," he exclaimed. [Pg 344]Abe surveyed Kleebaum with a puzzled stare. "Say, lookyhere, Kleebaum," he said, "if you thought you would get me to buy an oitermobile by giving me this here order, Kleebaum, I'm satisfied you should cancel it. Because again I got to tell it you, Kleebaum, I ain't in the market for oitermobiles just yet awhile." Kleebaum clapped Abe on the shoulder. "The feller don't know what he's talking about, Potash," he declared. "He's thinking of somebody quite different as you. That order stands, Potash, and now if you will excuse me joining you in that cup coffee, Potash, I got to say good-by." He wrung Abe's hand in farewell and jumped into the seat beside the chauffeur while Abe stood on the sidewalk and watched them disappear down the street. "I bet yer that order stands," he mused. "It stands in my store until I get a couple of good reports on that feller." "What a house that feller Fixman got it, Abe," Morris Perlmutter exclaimed on Monday morning. "A regular palace, and mind you, Abe, he don't pay ten dollars more a month as I do up in a Hundred and Eighteenth Street. And what a difference there is in the yard, Abe. Me, I look out on a bunch of fire escapes, while Fixman got a fine garden with trees and flowers pretty near as good as a cemetery." "Well, why don't you move to Johnsonhurst, too, Mawruss," Abe Potash said. "It's an elegant[Pg 345] neighborhood, Mawruss. Me and Rosie was over to Johnsonhurst one day last summer and it took us three hours to get out there and three hours to get back. Six cigars I busted in my vest pockets at the bridge yet and Rosie pretty near fainted in the crowd. Yes, Mawruss, it's an elegant neighborhood, I bet yer." "That was on Sunday and the summer time, Abe, but Fixman says if he leaves his house at seven o'clock, he is in his office at a quarter to eight." "I believe it, Mawruss," Abe commented ironically. "That feller Fixman never got downtown in his life before nine o'clock. He shouldn't tell me nothing like that, Mawruss, because I know Fixman since way before the Spanish war already, and that feller was always a big bluff, y'understand. Sol Klinger tells me he's got also an oitermobile." "Sol Klinger could talk all he wants, Abe," Morris replied. "Fixman told it me that if he had the money what Klinger sinks in one stock already, Abe, he could run a dozen oitermobiles. Sure, Fixman's got an oitermobile. With the money that feller makes, Abe, he's got a right to got on oitermobile. Klinger should be careful what he tells about people, Abe. The feller will get himself into serious trouble some day. He's all the time knocking somebody. Ain't it?" "Is that so?" Abe said. "I thought Klinger was such a good friend to us, Mawruss. Also,[Pg 346] Mawruss, you say yourself on Saturday that a feller what's got an oitermobile is a crook yet." "Me!" Morris cried indignantly. "I never said no such thing, Abe. Always you got to twist around what I say, Abe. What I told you was——" "S'all right, Mawruss," Abe said. "I'll take your word for it. What I want to talk to you about now is this here J. Edward Kleebaum. He gives us an order for twenty-one hundred dollars, Mawruss." "Good!" Morris exclaimed. "Good?" Abe repeated with a rising inflection. "Say, Mawruss, what's the matter with you to-day, anyway?" "Nothing's the matter with me, Abe. What d'ye mean?" "I mean that on Saturday you wouldn't sell Kleebaum not a dollar's worth of goods, Mawruss, and even myself I was only willing we should go a thousand dollars on the feller, and now to-day when I tell it you he gives us an order for twenty-one hundred dollars, Mawruss, you say, 'good'." "Sure, I say, 'good'," Morris replied. "Why not? Just because a sucker like Sol Klinger knocks a feller, Abe, that ain't saying the feller's N. G. Furthermore, Abe, suppose a feller does run a couple of oitermobiles, y'understand, Abe, does that say he's going to bust up right away? That's an idee what a back number like Klinger got it, Abe, but with me I think differently. There's worser things as oitermobiles to ride in, Abe, believe me. Fixman takes[Pg 347] out his wife and Minnie and me on Saturday afternoon, and we had a fine time. We went pretty near to Boston, I bet yer." "To Boston!" Abe exclaimed. "Well, we seen the Boston boats going out, and a fine view of the City College also, and a gas factory and North Beach, too. Everything went off beautiful, Abe, and I assure you Minnie and me we come home feeling fine. I tell you, Abe, a feller has got to ride in one of them things to appreciate 'em." "S'all right, Mawruss," Abe cried. "I take your word for it. What I am worrying about now, Mawruss, is this here Kleebaum." "Kleebaum is A Number One, Abe," Morris said. "I was talking to Fixman about him and Fixman says that there ain't a better judge of an oitermobile between Chicago and the Pacific Coast." "Say, lookyhere, Mawruss," Abe asked, "are we in the cloak and suit business or are we in the oitermobile business? Kleebaum buys from us cloaks, not oitermobiles. And while I ain't got such good judgment when it comes to oitermobiles, I think I know something about the cloak and suit business, and I got an idea that feller is out to do us." "Why, Abe, you don't know the feller at all," Morris protested. "Why don't you make some investigations about the feller, Abe?" "Investigations is nix, Mawruss," Abe replied impatiently. "When a feller is a crook, Mawruss, he could fool everybody, Mawruss. He could fix things[Pg 348] so the merchantile agencies would only find out good things about him, and he buffaloes credit men so that to hear 'em talk you would think he was a millionaire already. No, Mawruss, when you are dealing with a crook, investigations is nix. You got to depend on your own judgment." "But, Abe," Morris cried, "you got a wrong idee about that feller. Fixman tells me Kleebaum does a fine business in Minneapolis. He has an elegant trade there and he's got a system of oitermobile delivery which Fixman says is great. He's got three light runabouts fixed up with removable tonneaus, thirty horse-power, two cylinder engines and——" At this juncture Abe rose to his feet and hurried indignantly toward the cutting-room, where Morris joined him five minutes later. "Say, Abe," he said, "while me and Minnie was out with Fixman on Saturday I got a fine idee for an oitermobile wrap." Abe turned and fixed his partner with a terrible glare. "Tell it to Kleebaum," he roared. "I did," Morris said genially, "and he thought it would make a big hit in the trade." "Why, when did you seen it, Kleebaum?" Abe asked. "This morning on my way over to Lenox Avenue. I met Sol Klinger and as him and me was buying papers near the subway station, comes a big oitermobile by the curb and Kleebaum is sitting with[Pg 349] another feller in the front seat, what they call a chauffeur, and Kleebaum says, 'Get in and I'll take you down town,' so we get in and I bet yer we come downtown in fifteen minutes." "Ain't Klinger scared to ride in one of them things, Mawruss?" Abe asked. "Scared, Abe? Why should the feller be scared? Not only he wasn't scared yet, Abe, but he took up Kleebaum's offer for a ride down to Coney Island yet. Kleebaum said they'd be back by ten o'clock and so Klinger asks me to telephone over to Klein that he would be a little late this morning." "That's a fine way for a feller to neglect his business, Mawruss," Abe commented. Morris nodded without enthusiasm. "By the way, Abe," he said, "me and Minnie about decided we would rent the house next door to Fixman's down in Johnsonhurst, so I guess we will go down there again this afternoon at three o'clock." "At three o'clock!" Abe cried. "Say, lookyhere, Mawruss, what do you think this here is anyway? A bank?" "Must I ask you, Abe, if I want to leave early oncet in awhile?" "Oncet in awhile is all right, Mawruss, but when a feller does it every day that's something else again." "When did I done it every day, Abe?" Morris demanded. "Saturday is the first time I leave here early in a year already, while pretty near every[Pg 350] afternoon, Abe, you got an excuse you should see a customer up in Broadway and Twenty-ninth Street." "Shall I tell you something, Mawruss," Abe cried suddenly. "You are going for an oitermobile ride with J. Edward Kleebaum." Morris flushed vividly. "Supposing I am, Abe," he replied. "Ain't Kleebaum a customer from ours? And how could I turn down a customer, Abe?" "Maybe he's a customer, Mawruss, but I wouldn't be certain of it because you could go oitermobile riding with him if you want to, Mawruss, but me, I am going to do something different. I am going to look that feller up, Mawruss, and I bet yer when I get through, Mawruss, we would sooner be selling goods to some of them cut-throats up in Sing Sing already." At three o'clock Minnie entered swathed in veils and a huge fur coat. "Well, Abe," she said, "did you hear the latest? We are going to move to Johnsonhurst." "I wish you joy," Abe grunted. "We got a swell place down there," she went on. "Five bedrooms, a parlor and a library with a great big kitchen and a garage." "A what?" Abe cried. "A place what you put oitermobiles into it," Morris explained. "Is that so?" Abe said as he jammed his hat on with both hands. "Well, that don't do no harm,[Pg 351] Mawruss, because you could also use it for a dawg house." He slammed the door behind him and five minutes later he entered the business premises of Klinger & Klein. There he found the senior member of the firm busy over the sample line. "Hallo, Sol!" he cried. "I just seen it Mr. Brady, credit man for the Manhattan Mills, and he says he come across you riding in an oitermobile near Coney Island at nine o'clock this morning already. He says he always thought you and Klein was pretty steady people, but I says nowadays you couldn't never tell nothing about nobody. 'Because a feller is a talmudist already, Mr. Brady,' I says, 'that don't say he ain't blowing in his money on the horse races yet.'" Klinger turned pale. "Ain't that a fine thing," he exclaimed, "that a feller with a responsible position like Brady should be fooling away his time at Coney Island in business hours." Abe laughed and clapped Sol Klinger on the back. "As a matter of fact, Sol," he said, "I ain't seen Brady in a month, y'understand, but supposing Brady should come across you in an oitermobile down at Coney Island at nine o'clock in the morning, y'understand. I bet yer he would call for a new statement from you and Klein the very next day, Sol, and make you swear to it on a truck load of Bibles already. A feller shouldn't take no chances, Sol." [Pg 352]"I was in good company anyhow, Abe," Sol declared. "I was with J. Edward Kleebaum, but I suppose Mawruss Perlmutter told it you. Ain't it?" "Sure, he did," Abe said, "and he also told it me last week that you says J. Edward Kleebaum was a crook because he runs a couple of oitermobiles out in Minneapolis." "I made a mistake about Kleebaum, Abe," Klinger interrupted. "I changed my mind about him." "That's all right, Sol," Abe said, "but if Kleebaum was a crook last week, Sol, and a gentleman this week, what I would like to know is, what he will be next week, because I got for twenty-one hundred dollars an order from that feller and I got to ship it next week. So if you got any information about Kleebaum, Sol, you would be doing me a favor if you would let me know all about it." "All I know about him is this, Abe," Klinger replied. "We drew on him two reports and both of 'em gives him fifty to seventy-five thousand credit good. He's engaged to be married to Miss Julia Pfingst, who is Joseph Pfingst's a daughter." "Joseph Pfingst," Abe repeated. "I don't know as I ever hear that name before." "It used to be Pfingst & Gusthaler," Klinger went on, "in the rubber goods business on Wooster Street. First they made it raincoats, and then they went into rubber boots, and just naturally they got into bicycle tires, and then comes the oitermobile craze, and Gusthaler[Pg 353] dies, and so Pfingst sells oitermobile tires, and now he's in the oitermobile business." "Certainly, he got there gradually," Abe commented. "Maybe he did, Abe," Klinger said, "but he also got pretty near a million dollars, and you know as well as I do, Abe, a feller what's a millionaire already don't got to marry off his daughter to a crook, y'understand. No, Abe, I changed my mind about that feller. I think Kleebaum's a pretty decent feller, and ourselves we sold him goods for twenty-five hundred dollars." Abe puffed hard on his cigar for a moment. "Couldn't you get from the old man a guarantee of the account maybe?" he asked. "I sent Klein around there this morning, Abe," Klinger answered, "and Pfingst says if Kleebaum is good enough to marry his daughter, he's good enough for us to sell goods to, and certainly, Abe, you couldn't blame the old man neither." Abe nodded, and a moment later he rose to leave. "You shouldn't look so worried about it, Abe," Sol Klinger said. "Everybody is selling that feller this year." "Well, Mawruss," Abe cried on Tuesday morning, "I got to confess that I ain't learned nothing new about that feller Kleebaum. Everybody what I seen it speaks very highly of him, Mawruss, and the way I figure it, he bought goods for fifty thousand dollars in the last four days. Klinger & Klein[Pg 354] sold him, Sammet Brothers sold him, and even Lapidus & Elenbogen ain't left out. I couldn't understand it at all." "Couldn't you?" Morris retorted. "Well, I could, Abe. That feller is increasing his business, Abe, because he's got good backing, y'understand. He's engaged to be married to Julie Pfingst and her father Joseph Pfingst is a millionaire." "Sure, I know, Mawruss, I seen lots of them millionaires in my time already. Millionaires which everyone thinks is millionaires until the first meeting of creditors, and then, Mawruss, they make a composition for twenty cents cash and thirty cents notes at three, six and nine months. Multi-millionaires sometimes pay twenty-five cents cash, but otherwise the notes is the same like millionaires, three, six and nine months, and you could wrap up dill pickles in 'em for all the good they'll do you." "What are you talking nonsense, Abe? This feller, Pfingst, is a millionaire. He's got a big oitermobile business and sells ten cars a week at twenty-five hundred dollars apiece. Here it is only Tuesday, Abe, and that feller sold two oitermobiles already." "Did you count 'em, Mawruss?" Abe asked. "Sure, I counted 'em," Morris replied. He looked boldly into Abe's eyes as he spoke. "One of 'em he sold to Sol Klinger and the other he sold to me." If Morris anticipated making a sensation he was not disappointed. For ten minutes Abe struggled[Pg 355] to sort out a few enunciable oaths from the mass of profanity that surged through his brain and at length he succeeded. "I always thought you was crazy, Mawruss," he said after the first paroxysm had exhausted itself, "and now I know it." "Why am I crazy?" Morris asked. "When a feller lives out in Johnsonhurst you must practically got to have an oitermobile, otherwise you are a dead one. And anyhow, Abe, couldn't I spend my money the way I want to?" "Sure, you could," Abe said. "But you didn't spend it the way you wanted to, Mawruss. Kleebaum got you to buy the oitermobile. Ain't it?" "Suppose he did, Abe? Kleebaum is a customer of ours. Ain't it? And he got me also a special price on the car. Twenty-one hundred dollars he will get me the car for, Abe, and Fixman looked over the car and he says it's a great piece of work, Abe. He ain't got the slightest idee what I am paying for the car and he says it is well worth twenty-five hundred dollars." Abe shrugged his shoulders. "All right, Mawruss," he said. "It's your funeral. Go ahead and buy the oitermobile; only I tell you right now, Mawruss, you are sinking twenty-one hundred dollars cash." "Not cash, Abe," Morris corrected. "Pfingst is willing to take a six months' note provided it is indorsed by Potash & Perlmutter." [Pg 356]It seemed hardly possible to Morris that more poignant emotion could be displayed than in Abe's first reception of his news, but this last suggestion almost finished Abe. For fifteen minutes he fought off apoplexy and then the storm burst. "Say, lookyhere, Abe," Morris protested at the first lull, "you'll make yourself sick." But Abe paused only to regain his breath, and it was at least five minutes more before his vocabulary became exhausted. Then he sat down in a chair and mopped his brow, while Morris hastened off to the cutting-room from whence he was recalled a minute later by a shout from Abe. "By jimminy, Mawruss!" he cried slapping his knee. "I got an idee. Go ahead and buy your oitermobile from Pfingst and I will agree that Potash & Perlmutter should endorse the note, y'understand, only one thing besides. Pfingst has got to guarantee to us Kleebaum's account of twenty-one hundred dollars." "I'm afraid he wouldn't do it, Abe," Morris said. "All right, then I wouldn't do it neither," Abe declared. "But anyhow, Mawruss, it wouldn't do no harm to ask him. Ain't it? Where is this here feller Pfingst?" "At Fiftieth Street and Broadway," Morris said. "Well, lookyhere, Mawruss," Abe announced jumping to his feet, "I'm going right away and fill out one of them guarantees what Henry D. Feldman[Pg 357] fixes up for us, and also I will write out a note at six months for twenty-one hundred dollars and indorse it with the firm's name. Then if he wants to you could exchange the note for the guarantee, Mawruss, and we could ship the goods right away." Morris shook his head doubtfully, while Abe went into the firm's private office. He returned five minutes afterward flourishing the guarantee. It read as follows: In consideration of one dollar and other good and valuable considerations I do hereby agree to pay to Potash & Perlmutter Twenty-one hundred dollars ($2100) being the amount of a purchase made by J. Edward Kleebaum from them, if he fails to pay said twenty-one hundred dollars ($2100) on May 21st, 1909. I hereby waive notice of Kleebaum's default and Potash & Perlmutter shall not be required to exhaust their remedy against the said Kleebaum before recourse is had to me. If a petition in bankruptcy be filed by or against said Kleebaum in consideration aforesaid I promise to pay to Potash & Perlmutter on demand the said sum of twenty-one hundred dollars. "If he signs that, Mawruss," Abe said, "you are safe in giving him the note." Morris put on his hat and lit a cigar. "I will do this thing to satisfy you, Abe," he said, "but I tell you right now, Abe, it ain't necessary, because Kleebaum is as good as gold, y'understand, and if you don't want to ship him the goods you don't have to." Abe grinned ironically. [Pg 358]"How could you talk like that, Mawruss, when the feller is doing you a favor by selling you that oitermobile for twenty-one hundred dollars!" he said. "And besides, Mawruss, if we ship him the goods and he does bust up on us, Pfingst is got to pay the twenty-one hundred dollars, and he couldn't make no claims for shortages or extra discounts neither." "The idee is all right, Abe," Morris replied as he opened the show-room door, "if the feller would sign it, which I don't think he would." With this ultimatum he hastened uptown to Pfingst's warerooms, where he assured the automobile dealer that unless the guarantee was signed, there would be no sale of the car, for he flatly declined to pay cash and Pfingst refused to accept the purchaser's note without Potash & Perlmutter's indorsement. After a lengthy discussion Pfingst receded from his position and signed the guarantee, whereupon Morris surrendered the note and returned to his place of business. On April 21st Potash & Perlmutter shipped Kleebaum's order, and one week later Morris moved out to Johnsonhurst. Five days after his migration to that garden spot of Greater New York he entered the firm's show-room at a quarter past ten. "We got blocked at Flatbush Avenue this morning," he said to Abe, "and——" But Abe was paying no attention to his partner's excuses. Instead he thrust a morning paper at Morris[Pg 359] and with a trembling forefinger indicated the following scarehead: R  I  C  H    G  I  R  L    W  E  D  S O  W  N    C  H  A  U  F  F  E  U  R P F I N G S T  F A M I L Y  S H O C K E D  B Y J U L I A 'S  E L O P E M E N T PAIR REPORTED IN SOUTH HEIRESS WAS ABOUT TO WED WEALTHY MERCHANT BEFORE FLIGHT OCCURRED "What d'ye think of that, Mawruss," Abe cried. Morris read the story carefully before replying. "That's a hard blow to Kleebaum and old man Pfingst, Abe," he said. "I bet yer," Abe replied, "but it ain't near the hard blow it's going to be to a couple of concerns what you and me know, Mawruss. Klinger told me only yesterday that Kleebaum would get twenty thousand with that girl, Mawruss, and I guess he needed it, Mawruss. Moe Rabiner says that they got weather like January already out in Minnesota, and every retail dry-goods concern is kicking that they ain't seen a dollar's worth of business this spring." "But Kleebaum's got a tremendous following in Minneapolis, Abe," Morris said. "He's got an oitermobile delivery system." "Don't pull that on me again, Mawruss," Abe broke in. "Women ain't buying summer garments in cold weather just for the pleasure of seeing the goods delivered in an oitermobile, which reminds me,[Pg 360] Mawruss: Did Pfingst deliver you his oitermobile yet?" Morris blushed. "It was delivered yesterday, Abe," he replied. "But the fact is, Abe, I kinder changed my mind about that oitermobile. With oitermobiles I am a new beginner already, so I figure it out this way. Why should I go to work and try experiments with a high price car like that Pfingst car? Ain't it? Now, you take a feller like Fixman who is already an expert, y'understand, and that's something else again. Fixman tried out the car last night, Abe, and he thinks it's an elegant car. So I made an arrangement with him that he should pay me fifteen hundred dollars cash and I would swap the Pfingst car for a 1907 model, Appalachian runabout. That's a fine oitermobile, Abe, that Appalachian runabout. In the first place, it's got a detachable tonneau and holds just as many people as the Pfingst car already, only it ain't so complicated. Instead of a six cylinder engine, Abe, it's only got a two cylinder engine." "Two is enough for a start, Mawruss," Abe commented. "Sure," Morris agreed, "and then again instead of a double chain drive its only got a single chain drive, y'understand." Abe nodded. To him planetary and selective transmission were even as conic sections. "Also it's got dry battery ignition, Abe," Morris concluded triumphantly, "instead of one of them—now—magneto[Pg 361] arrangements, which I ain't got no confidence in at all." Abe nodded again. "I never had no confidence in dagoes neither," he said. "Fellers which couldn't speak the English language properly, y'understand, is bound to do you sooner or later." "So Fixman and me goes around last night to see a feller what lives out in Johnsonhurst by the name Eleazer Levy which Fixman got it for a lawyer, and we drew a bill of sale then and there, Abe, and Fixman give me a check for fifteen hundred dollars on the Kosciusko Bank." "Was it certified?" Abe asked. "Well, it wasn't," Morris replied, "but I stopped off at the Kosciusko Bank this morning and——" "You done right, Mawruss," Abe interrupted. "The first thing you know Fixman would claim that the oitermobile ain't the same shade of red like the sample, Mawruss, and stops the check." "Fixman ain't that kind, Abe," Morris retorted. "The only reason I certified the check was that I happened to be in the neighborhood of the bank, because when you are at the Bridge, Abe, all you got to do is to take a Third Avenue car up Park Row to the Bowery and transfer to Grand Street. Then you ride over ten blocks and get out at Clinton Street, y'understand, and walk four blocks over. So long as it's so convenient, Abe, I just stopped in and got it certified." [Pg 362]"A little journey like that I would think convenient, too, if I would got to travel to Johnsonhurst every day, Mawruss," Abe commented, "and anyhow, Mawruss, in a swap one of the fellers is always got an idee he's stuck." "Well, it ain't me, Abe," Morris protested, "and just to show you, Abe, me and Minnie wants you and Rosie you should come out and take dinner with us on Sunday, and afterwards we could go out for a ride in the runabout." "Gott soll hüten," Abe replied piously. "What d'ye mean!" Morris cried. "You wouldn't come out and have dinner with us?" "Sure, we will come to dinner, Mawruss," Abe said, "but if we want to go for a ride, Mawruss, a trolley car is good enough for Rosie and me." Nevertheless the following Sunday found Abe and Rosie snugly enclosed in the detachable tonneau of the Appalachian runabout, while Morris sat at the tiller with Minnie by his side and negotiated the easy grades of rural Long Island at the decent speed of ten miles an hour. "Ain't it wonderful," Abe exclaimed, "what changes comes about in a couple of years already! Former times when a lodge brother died, I used to think the ride out to Cypress Hills was a pleasure already, Mawruss, but when I think how rotten the roads was and what poor accommodations them carriages was compared to this, Mawruss, I'm surprised that I could have enjoyed myself at all. This here[Pg 363] oitermobile riding is something what you would call really comfortable, Mawruss." But Abe's observations were ill-timed, for hardly had he finished speaking when the runabout slowed down to the accompaniment of loud explosions in the muffler. Rosie's shrieks mingled with Abe's exclamations, and when at length the car came to a stand-still and the explosions ceased Abe scrambled down and helped out the half-fainting Rosie. "Any car is liable to do that," Morris explained as Minnie searched for a bottle of liquid restorative. "I could fix it in five minutes." At length Minnie found the bottle in the tire box, which contained, instead of a tire, two dozen sandwiches, eight cold frankfurters, some dill pickles and a ringkuchen, for they did not contemplate returning to Johnsonhurst until long past supper time. Morris' estimate of the repair job's duration proved slightly inaccurate. He messed around with his tool bag and explored the carburetter again and again until two hours had elapsed without result. During this period only a few motor cars had passed, for the road was not a popular automobile thoroughfare. At length a large red car bore down on them, and as it came within a hundred yards it slowed down and came to a stop beside the Appalachian runabout. "Well, well," cried a familiar voice, "if this ain't the whole firm of Potash & Perlmutter." Abe looked up. "Hallo, Kleebaum," he exclaimed, "I thought you[Pg 364] was home in Minneapolis. What are you doing in New York?" "This ain't New York by about forty miles," Kleebaum replied. He was seated at the side of a square-jawed professional chauffeur who eyed with ill-concealed mirth Morris' very unprofessional handling of automobile tools. "Lemme look at it," the chauffeur said, as he climbed from his seat. He gave a hasty glance at the dry battery ignition and laughed uproariously. "You'se guys will stay here till Christmas if you expect to get that car into running condition," he said. "The only thing for you'se to do is to let me give you a tow into Jamaica. They'll fix you up at the garage there." "I'm much obliged to you," Morris replied. "Don't mention it," the chauffeur went on. "I won't charge you unreasonable. Ten dollars is my figure." "What!" Abe and Morris cried with one voice. "Why, you wouldn't charge these gentlemen nothing," Kleebaum said with a violent wink. "They're friends of mine." "I know they was friends of yours," the chauffeur replied, "and that's why I made it ten dollars. Anyone else I'd say twenty." For almost half an hour Abe and Morris haggled with the chauffeur. They were vigorously supported by Kleebaum, who punctuated his scathing condemnation of the chauffeur's greed with a series of surreptitious[Pg 365] winks which encouraged the latter to remain firm in his demand. Finally Morris peeled off two five-dollar bills and an hour later the Appalachian runabout was ignominiously hauled into a Jamaica garage. The chauffeur alighted from his car and drew the proprietor of the garage aside into his private office. "Billy," he said in a hoarse whisper, "this here baby carriage is got the oldest brand of dry battery ignition and one of the wires has come loose from the binding screw. It'll take about a minute and a half to fix." The proprietor nodded and passed over a dollar bill. Then he sprang out onto the floor of the garage. "Ryan," he bellowed to his foreman, "get the big jack, and tell Schwartz to start up the motor lathe." Then he turned to Abe and Mawruss. "This here'll be a two hours' job, gents," he said, "and I advise you to get your supper at the hotel acrosst the street." "But how much is it going to cost us?" Morris asked. For five minutes the proprietor figured on the back of an envelope. "Fifteen dollars and twenty-two cents," he said, and Abe and Morris staggered to the street, followed by their wives. Twenty minutes later Kleebaum and the chauffeur drew up in front of a road house. [Pg 366]"Your blow," the chauffeur cried. Kleebaum nodded. "Come across with that five first," he said, and after the transfer had been made they disappeared into the sabbatical entrance. "Well, Mawruss," Abe exclaimed when Morris entered the show-room at ten o'clock the next morning. "What did I told you last week! Wasn't I right?" "I know you told me that one party to a swap was practically bound to get stuck, Abe," Morris admitted, "but with an oitermobile——" "Again oitermobile!" Abe cried. "You got oitermobile on the brain, Mawruss. Whenever I open my mouth, Mawruss, you got an idee I'm going to talk about oitermobiles. This is something else again. Didn't you get a morning paper, Mawruss?" Morris shrugged. "When a feller lives out in a place called Johnsonhurst, Abe," he replied sadly, "he is lucky if he could get a cup of coffee before he leaves the house. Our range is busted." "Something else is busted, too, Mawruss," Abe said as he handed the morning paper to Morris. The page which contained the "Business Troubles" column was folded at the following news item: J. Edward Kleebaum, Minneapolis, Minn. The Wonder Cloak and Suit Store, J. Edward Kleebaum, Proprietor, was closed up by the sheriff under an execution in favor of Joseph Pfingst, who recovered a judgment yesterday in the Supreme Court for $5800, money loaned. Kleebaum is supposed to be in New York trying to make some arrangements with his creditors. Later in the day a petition in bankruptcy was filed against him by Kugler, Jacobi and Henck representing the following New York creditors:—Klinger & Klein, $2500; Sammet Brothers, $1800; Lapidus & Elenbogen, $750. [Pg 367] Morris handed the paper back to his partner. "Well, Abe," he said, "what are we going to do about it?" "We already done it, Mawruss," Abe replied. "I sent down Pfingst's guarantee to Henry D. Feldman at nine o'clock already, and I told him he shouldn't wait, but if Pfingst wouldn't pay up to-day yet to sue him in the courts." Morris shrugged his shoulders. "We shouldn't be in such a hurry, Abe," he said. "Pfingst treated us right, and why shouldn't we give him a chance to make good?" "Because he don't deserve it, Mawruss," Abe rejoined as he started off for the show-room. "If he would of took better care of his daughter she wouldn't of run off with this here chauffeur, and Kleebaum wouldn't got to fail. Also, Mawruss, you shouldn't talk that way neither, because if it wouldn't be for Pfingst you wouldn't got stuck with that oitermobile which we rode in it yesterday." "Well, I ain't out much on it, Abe." "What d'ye mean you ain't out much on it?" Abe exclaimed. "It stands you in six hundred dollars, ain't it?" "Sure, I know," Morris replied, "but this morning[Pg 368] I come downtown with the feller what rents us the house out in Johnsonhurst and you never seen a feller so crazy about oitermobiles in all your life, Abe." "Except you, Mawruss," Abe broke in. "Me, I ain't so crazy about 'em no longer," Morris declared. "So I fixed it up with this feller that he should take the Appalachian runabout off my hands for four hundred dollars and he should also give me a cancelation of the lease which we got of his house. Furthermore, Abe, he pays our moving expenses back to a Hundred and Eighteenth Street." Abe sat down in the nearest chair. "So you're going to move back to a Hundred and Eighteenth Street, Mawruss," he exclaimed. "Why, what's the matter with Johnsonhurst, Mawruss? I thought you told it me Johnsonhurst was such a fine place." "So it is, Abe," Morris admitted. "The air is great out there, Abe, but at the same time, Abe, the air ain't so rotten on a Hundred and Eighteenth Street neither, y'understand, and the train service is a whole lot better." "You're right, Mawruss," Abe said, "and with all these oitermobile rides and things you waste too much time already. A feller should always consider business ahead of pleasure." Morris looked at his bruised and oil stained hands. "Oitermobile riding!" he cried. "That's a pleasure, Abe. Believe me I'd as lief work in a rolling mill." <hr style="width: 65%;" /> [Pg 369] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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