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<h3>CHAPTER XIX<br/> <br/> THE SHEEP-WASHING—THE OFFER</h3>
<br/>
<br/>Boldwood did eventually call upon her. She was not at home.
"Of course not," he murmured. In contemplating Bathsheba as
a woman, he had forgotten the accidents of her position as
an agriculturist—that being as much of a farmer, and as
extensive a farmer, as himself, her probable whereabouts was
out-of-doors at this time of the year. This, and the other
oversights Boldwood was guilty of, were natural to the mood,
and still more natural to the circumstances. The great aids
to idealization in love were present here: occasional
observation of her from a distance, and the absence of
social intercourse with her—visual familiarity, oral
strangeness. The smaller human elements were kept out of
sight; the pettinesses that enter so largely into all
earthly living and doing were disguised by the accident of
lover and loved-one not being on visiting terms; and there
was hardly awakened a thought in Boldwood that sorry
household realities appertained to her, or that she, like
all others, had moments of commonplace, when to be least
plainly seen was to be most prettily remembered. Thus a
mild sort of apotheosis took place in his fancy, whilst she
still lived and breathed within his own horizon, a troubled
creature like himself.
<br/>It was the end of May when the farmer determined to be no
longer repulsed by trivialities or distracted by suspense.
He had by this time grown used to being in love; the passion
now startled him less even when it tortured him more, and he
felt himself adequate to the situation. On inquiring for
her at her house they had told him she was at the
sheepwashing, and he went off to seek her there.
<br/>The sheep-washing pool was a perfectly circular basin of
brickwork in the meadows, full of the clearest water. To
birds on the wing its glassy surface, reflecting the light
sky, must have been visible for miles around as a glistening
Cyclops' eye in a green face. The grass about the margin at
this season was a sight to remember long—in a minor sort
of way. Its activity in sucking the moisture from the rich
damp sod was almost a process observable by the eye. The
outskirts of this level water-meadow were diversified by
rounded and hollow pastures, where just now every flower
that was not a buttercup was a daisy. The river slid along
noiselessly as a shade, the swelling reeds and sedge forming
a flexible palisade upon its moist brink. To the north of
the mead were trees, the leaves of which were new, soft, and
moist, not yet having stiffened and darkened under summer
sun and drought, their colour being yellow beside a
green—green beside a yellow. From
the recesses of this knot of
foliage the loud notes of three cuckoos were resounding
through the still air.
<br/>Boldwood went meditating down the slopes with his eyes on
his boots, which the yellow pollen from the buttercups had
bronzed in artistic gradations. A tributary of the main
stream flowed through the basin of the pool by an inlet and
outlet at opposite points of its diameter. Shepherd Oak,
Jan Coggan, Moon, Poorgrass, Cain Ball, and several others
were assembled here, all dripping wet to the very roots of
their hair, and Bathsheba was standing by in a new
riding-habit—the most elegant she had ever
worn—the reins of
her horse being looped over her arm. Flagons of cider were
rolling about upon the green. The meek sheep were pushed
into the pool by Coggan and Matthew Moon, who stood by the
lower hatch, immersed to their waists; then Gabriel, who
stood on the brink, thrust them under as they swam along,
with an instrument like a crutch, formed for the purpose,
and also for assisting the exhausted animals when the wool
became saturated and they began to sink. They were let out
against the stream, and through the upper opening, all
impurities flowing away below. Cainy Ball and Joseph, who
performed this latter operation, were if possible wetter
than the rest; they resembled dolphins under a fountain,
every protuberance and angle of their clothes dribbling
forth a small rill.
<br/>Boldwood came close and bade her good morning, with such
constraint that she could not but think he had stepped
across to the washing for its own sake, hoping not to find
her there; more, she fancied his brow severe and his eye
slighting. Bathsheba immediately contrived to withdraw, and
glided along by the river till she was a stone's throw off.
She heard footsteps brushing the grass, and had a
consciousness that love was encircling her like a perfume.
Instead of turning or waiting, Bathsheba went further among
the high sedges, but Boldwood seemed determined, and pressed
on till they were completely past the bend of the river.
Here, without being seen, they could hear the splashing and
shouts of the washers above.
<br/>"Miss Everdene!" said the farmer.
<br/>She trembled, turned, and said "Good morning." His tone was
so utterly removed from all she had expected as a beginning.
It was lowness and quiet accentuated: an emphasis of deep
meanings, their form, at the same time, being scarcely
expressed. Silence has sometimes a remarkable power of
showing itself as the disembodied soul of feeling wandering
without its carcase, and it is then more impressive than
speech. In the same way, to say a little is often to tell
more than to say a great deal. Boldwood told everything in
that word.
<br/>As the consciousness expands on learning that what was
fancied to be the rumble of wheels is the reverberation of
thunder, so did Bathsheba's at her intuitive conviction.
<br/>"I feel—almost too much—to think," he said, with a
solemn simplicity. "I have come to speak to you without
preface. My life is not my own since I have beheld you
clearly, Miss Everdene—I come to make you an offer of
marriage."
<br/>Bathsheba tried to preserve an absolutely neutral
countenance, and all the motion she made was that of closing
lips which had previously been a little parted.
<br/>"I am now forty-one years old," he went on. "I may have
been called a confirmed bachelor, and I was a confirmed
bachelor. I had never any views of myself as a husband in
my earlier days, nor have I made any calculation on the
subject since I have been older. But we all change, and my
change, in this matter, came with seeing you. I have felt
lately, more and more, that my present way of living is bad
in every respect. Beyond all things, I want you as my
wife."
<br/>"I feel, Mr. Boldwood, that though I respect you much, I do
not feel—what would justify me to—in accepting your
offer," she stammered.
<br/>This giving back of dignity for dignity seemed to open the
sluices of feeling that Boldwood had as yet kept closed.
<br/>"My life is a burden without you," he exclaimed, in a low
voice. "I want you—I want you to let me say I love you
again and again!"
<br/>Bathsheba answered nothing, and the horse upon her arm
seemed so impressed that instead of cropping the herbage she
looked up.
<br/>"I think and hope you care enough for me to listen to what I
have to tell!"
<br/>Bathsheba's momentary impulse at hearing this was to ask why
he thought that, till she remembered that, far from being a
conceited assumption on Boldwood's part, it was but the
natural conclusion of serious reflection based on deceptive
premises of her own offering.
<br/>"I wish I could say courteous flatteries to you," the farmer
continued in an easier tone, "and put my rugged feeling into
a graceful shape: but I have neither power nor patience to
learn such things. I want you for my wife—so wildly that
no other feeling can abide in me; but I should not have
spoken out had I not been led to hope."
<br/>"The valentine again! O that valentine!" she said to
herself, but not a word to him.
<br/>"If you can love me say so, Miss Everdene. If not—don't
say no!"
<br/>"Mr. Boldwood, it is painful to have to say I am surprised,
so that I don't know how to answer you with propriety and
respect—but am only just able to speak out my feeling—I
mean my meaning; that I am afraid I can't marry you, much
as I respect you. You are too dignified for me to suit you,
sir."
<br/>"But, Miss Everdene!"
<br/>"I—I didn't—I know I ought never to have dreamt of
sending that valentine—forgive me, sir—it was a wanton
thing which no woman with any self-respect should have done.
If you will only pardon my thoughtlessness, I promise never
to—"
<br/>"No, no, no. Don't say thoughtlessness! Make me think it
was something more—that it was a sort of prophetic
instinct—the beginning of a feeling that you would like
me. You torture me to say it was done in thoughtlessness—I
never thought of it in that light, and I can't endure it.
Ah! I wish I knew how to win you! but that I can't do—I
can only ask if I have already got you. If I have not, and
it is not true that you have come unwittingly to me as I
have to you, I can say no more."
<br/>"I have not fallen in love with you, Mr.
Boldwood—certainly I must say
that." She allowed a very small smile
to creep for the first time over her serious face in saying
this, and the white row of upper teeth, and keenly-cut lips
already noticed, suggested an idea of heartlessness, which
was immediately contradicted by the pleasant eyes.
<br/>"But you will just think—in kindness and condescension
think—if you cannot bear with me as a husband! I fear I
am too old for you, but believe me I will take more care of
you than would many a man of your own age. I will protect
and cherish you with all my strength—I will indeed! You
shall have no cares—be worried by no household affairs,
and live quite at ease, Miss Everdene. The dairy
superintendence shall be done by a man—I can afford it
well—you shall never have so much as to look out of doors
at haymaking time, or to think of weather in the harvest. I
rather cling to the chaise, because it is the same my poor
father and mother drove, but if you don't like it I will
sell it, and you shall have a pony-carriage of your own. I
cannot say how far above every other idea and object on
earth you seem to me—nobody knows—God only knows—
how much you are to me!"
<br/>Bathsheba's heart was young, and it swelled with sympathy
for the deep-natured man who spoke so simply.
<br/>"Don't say it! don't! I cannot bear you to feel so much, and
me to feel nothing. And I am afraid they will notice us,
Mr. Boldwood. Will you let the matter rest now? I cannot
think collectedly. I did not know you were going to say
this to me. Oh, I am wicked to have made you suffer so!"
She was frightened as well as agitated at his vehemence.
<br/>"Say then, that you don't absolutely refuse. Do not quite
refuse?"
<br/>"I can do nothing. I cannot answer."
<br/>"I may speak to you again on the subject?"
<br/>"Yes."
<br/>"I may think of you?"
<br/>"Yes, I suppose you may think of me."
<br/>"And hope to obtain you?"
<br/>"No—do not hope! Let us go on."
<br/>"I will call upon you again to-morrow."
<br/>"No—please not. Give me time."
<br/>"Yes—I will give you any time," he said earnestly and
gratefully. "I am happier now."
<br/>"No—I beg you! Don't be happier if happiness only comes
from my agreeing. Be neutral, Mr. Boldwood! I must think."
<br/>"I will wait," he said.
<br/>And then she turned away. Boldwood dropped his gaze to the
ground, and stood long like a man who did not know where he
was. Realities then returned upon him like the pain of a
wound received in an excitement which eclipses it, and he,
too, then went on.
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