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<br/>
<h2> CHAPTER VI. </h2>
<p>I Capture “Jeff”—I Get Back at the Chaplain—The Chaplain<br/>
Arrested—Off on a Raid—I Meet the Relatives of the Dead<br/>
Confederate—My Powers of Lying are Brought into Play.<br/></p>
<p>The winding up of the last chapter of this history, with its sad
incidents, deaths and burials, was unavoidable, but it shall not occur
again. The true historian has got to get in all the particulars. I think I
never felt quite as downhearted as I did the day or two after the
skirmish, when our boys were killed. It had seemed as though there was no
danger of anybody getting hurt, as long as they looked out for themselves,
but now there was a feeling that anybody was liable to be killed, any
time, and why not me? Of course the old veterans of the regiment were the
ones who would naturally be expected to take the brunt of the battle, but
there was a habit of sending raw recruits into places of danger that
struck me as being mighty careless, as well as very bad judgment. Then
there were great preparations being made for an advance movement, or a
retreat, or something, and my mind was constantly occupied in trying to
find out whether it was to be an advance or a retreat. If it was an
advance, I wanted to arrange to be in the rear, and if it was a retreat,
it seemed to me as as though the proper place for a man who wanted to live
to go home, was in front. And yet what chance was there for a common
private soldier to find out whether it was an advance or a retreat.
Finally I decided that when the regiment <i>did</i> start out, I would
manage to be about the middle, so it wouldn't make much difference which
way we went. When that idea occurred to me I pondered over it a good deal
and told the chaplain, and he said it was a piece of as brilliant strategy
as he had ever heard of, and he was willing to adopt it, only being a
staff officer it was necessary for him and me to ride with the colonel,
and the colonel most always rode at the head, though his place was about
the middle. He said he would speak to the colonel about it. It made my
hair stand to see the preparations that were being made for carnage.
Ammunition enough was issued to kill a million men, and the doctors were
packing bandages and plasters, and physic, and splints and probes, until
it made me sick to look at them. When I thought of actual war, my mind
reverted to my mule, the kicking brute that was no good, and I decided to
get a horse. I had got so, actually, that I could hear bullets whistle
without turning pale and having cold chills run over me, and it seemed as
though a horse was none too good for me, so I went to the colonel and told
him that a soldier couldn't make no show on a kicking mule and I wanted a
horse. I told him I supposed, as chaplain's clerk. I should have to ride
with him and his staff on the march, and he didn't want to see as nice a
looking fellow as I was riding a kicking mule that would kick the ribs of
the officers horses, and break the officers legs. The colonel said he had
not thought of that contingency. He had enjoyed seeing me ride the mule,
because I was so patient when the mule kicked. He said they used that mule
in the regiment to teach recruits to ride. A man who could stay on that
mule could ride any horse in the regiment, and as I had been successful,
and had displayed splendid mulemanship, I should be promoted to ride a
horse, and he told the quartermaster to exchange with me and give me the
chestnut-sorrel horse that the Confederate was shot off of. I went with
the quartermaster to the corral, turned out my mule, and cornered the
beautiful horse that had been rode so proudly a few days before by my
friend, the rebel. It took six of us to catch the horse, and bridle and
saddle him, and the men about the corral said the horse was no good. He
hadn't eaten anything since being captured, and his eyes looked bad, and
he wanted to kick and bite everybody. I told them the poor horse was
homesick, that was all that ailed him. The horse was a Confederate at
heart, and he naturally had no particular love for Yankees. I remembered
that once or twice when I was riding with the rebels, after they captured
me, the young fellow on this horse patted him on the neck and called him
“Jeff”, so I knew that was his name, so I led him out of the corral away
from the other fellows, where there was some grass growing, and made up my
mind I would “mash” him. After he had eaten grass a little while, looking
at me out of the corner of his eyes as though he didn't know whether to
kick my head on, or walk on me, as I sat under a tree, I got up and patted
him on the neck and said, “Well, Jeff, old boy, how does the grass fit
your stomach?”</p>
<p>You may talk about brute intelligence, but that horse was human. He
stopped eating, with his mouth full of grass, looked astonished at being
addressed by a stranger without an introduction, and turned a pair of eyes
as beautiful and soft as a woman's upon me, and then began to chew slowly,
as though thinking. I rubbed his sleek coat with, my bare hands, and did
not say much, desiring to have Jeff make the first advances. He looked me
over, and finally put his nose on my sleeve, and rubbed me, and looked in
my face, and acted as though he would say, “Well, of course this
red-headed fellow is no comparison to my dead master, but evidently he's
no slouch, and if I have got to be bossed around by a Yankee, as he is the
only one that has spoken a kind word to me since I was captured, and he
seems to know my name, I guess I will tie to him,” and the intelligent
animal rubbed his nose all over me, and licked my hand. I rubbed the horse
all over, petted him, took up his feet and looked at them, and spoke his
name, and pretty soon we were the best of friends. I mounted him and rode
around and it was just like a rocking chair. That poor, dead Confederate
had probably rode Jeff since he was a kid and Jeff was a colt, and had
broken him well, and I was awfully sorry that the original owner was not
alive, riding his horse home safe and sound, to be greeted by his family
with loving embraces. But he was dead and buried, and his horse belonged
to me, by all the laws of war. And yet I had not become a hardened warrior
to such an extent that I could forget the hearts that would ache at his
home, and I made up mind that horse would be treated as tenderly as though
he was one of my family. I rode Jeff around for an hour or two, found that
he was trained to jump fences, stand on his hind feet, trot, pace, rack,
and that he could run like a scared wolf, and everything the horse did he
would sort of look around at me with one eye as much as to say, “Boss, you
will find I have got all the modern improvements, and you needn't be
afraid that I will disgrace you in any society.” I was fairly in love with
my new horse, and, except for a feeling that I was an interloper with the
horse, and sorry for the poor boy that had been shot off him, I should
have been perfectly happy.</p>
<p>The chaplain had got in the habit of wearing a nice, blue broadcloth
blouse which I had brought from home, which had two rows of brass buttons
on it. I had paid about twenty dollars of my bounty for the blouse, and
had found that the private soldiers did not wear such elaborate uniforms
in active duty, so I kept it in the chaplain's tent. I thought if I was
killed and my body was sent home, the blouse would come handy. The
chaplain wore it occasionally, and he said any time I wanted to wear any
of his clothes to just help myself. An order had been issued to move the
following day, with ten days' rations, and some of the boys asked for
passes to go down town and have a little blow-out before we started. They
wanted me to go along, and so I got a pass, too. We were to go down town
in the afternoon and stay till nine o clock at night, when we had to be in
camp. I saddled up Jeff and looked for my blouse, but it was gone, the
chaplain having worn it to visit the chaplain of some other regiment, so I
took his coat and put it on, as he had told me to. The coat had the
chaplain's shoulder-straps on, but I thought there would be no harm in
wearing it, so about a dozen of us privates started for town to have a
good time, and I with chaplain's-straps on. It was customary, when
soldiers went to town on a pass, to partake of intoxicating beverages more
or less, as that was about the only form of enjoyment, and I blush now,
twenty-two years afterward, to write the fact that we all got pretty full.
It seemed so like home to be able to go into a saloon and drink beer, good
old northern beer, and who knew but tomorrow we would be killed. So we
ate, drank, and were merry. One of the boys said when the officers got on
a tear, they would ride right into billiard saloons, and sometime shoot at
decanters of red liquor behind the bar, and he said a private was just as
good as an officer any day, and suggested that we mount our horses and
paint the town. We mounted, and rode about town, racing up and down the
streets, and finally we came to a billiard saloon, and half a dozen of us
rode right in, took cues out of the rack, and tried to play billiards on
horse-back. It was a grand picnic then, though it seems foolish now. My
horse Jeff would do anything I asked him, and when I rode up to the bar
and told him to rear up, he put both fore feet on the bar, and looked at
the bartender as much as to say, “set up the best you have got.”</p>
<p>The chaplain's shoulder-straps gave the crowd a sort of confidence that
everything was all right, and after exhibiting in a saloon for a time,
there was something said about horse-racing, and I said my horse could
beat anything on four legs, so we adjourned to the outskirts of town for a
race, followed by half the people in town. We had a horse-race, and Jeff
beat them all, and wherever I went the crowd would cheer the chaplain.
They said they liked to see a man in that position who could unbend
himself and mix up with the boys. There never was a chaplain more popular
than the “Wisconsin preacher” was. It did not occur to me that I was
placing the chaplain in an unfavorable position before the public, by
wearing his coat. <i>Nothing</i> occurred to me, that day, except that we
were having a high old time. Finally, after dark, one of our boys got into
a row with a loafer in a saloon, and picked the loafer up and tossed him
through the window, to the sidewalk. This was very wrong, but it couldn't
be helped. There was a great noise, cries for the provost guard, and we
knew that the only way to get out of the scrape honorably, would be to get
out real quick, so we mounted and rode to our camp. My horse was the
fastest and I got home first, unsaddled my horse and went to the tent,
took off the chaplain's coat and hung it up carefully, and was at work
writing a letter, and thinking how my horse acted as though he had been on
sprees before, he enjoyed it so, when I heard a noise outside, and it was
evident that the provost guard had followed us to camp, and were making
complaint to the colonel about our conduct down town. Finally the guard
went away, and shortly the colonel and the adjutant called at our tent and
inquired for the chaplain. I told them the chaplain had been away most of
the day, and had not returned. The colonel and the adjutant winked at each
other, and asked me if he wasn t away a good deal. I told them that he was
away some. They asked me if I never noticed that his breath had a peculiar
smell. I told them that it was occasionally a little loud. They went away
thoughtfully. Now that I think of it I ought to have explained that the
peculiarity of the chaplain's breath was caused from eating pickled onions
of the sanitary stores, but it did not occur to me at the time. After a
while the chaplain came back, asked me if anybody had died during the day,
took a drink of blackberry brandy for what ailed him, and we retired. The
next morning there was a circus. The little town boasted, a daily paper,
and it contained the following:</p>
<p>“The community is prepared to overlook an occasional scene<br/>
of hilarity among the Federal soldiers stationed in this<br/>
vicinity, but when a gang of roysterers is led by a<br/>
chaplain, as was the case yesterday, all right-minded people<br/>
will be indignant. It is said by our informant that the<br/>
chaplain of a certain cavalry regiment was the liveliest one<br/>
of the crowd, that he rode into a billiard room, caused his<br/>
horse to place its forefeet on the bar, and that he played a<br/>
better game of billiards on horseback than many worldly men<br/>
can play on foot. It is the duty of the commanding officer<br/>
to discipline his chaplain. The chaplain also beat the boys<br/>
several horse races while in town, and they say he is a<br/>
perfect horseman, and has one of the finest horses ever<br/>
seen here, which he probably stole.”<br/></p>
<p>I had a boy bring me a paper every morning, and I read the article before
the chaplain awoke, and destroyed the paper. Early the next morning the
colonel sent for the chaplain, placed him under arrest, and the good man
came back to the tent feeling pretty bad. I asked him what was wrong, and
he said he was under arrest for conduct unbecoming an officer and a
gentleman. He said charges were preferred against him for drunkenness and
disorderly conduct, horse-racing, playing billiards on horse-back, riding
his horse into a saloon and trying to jump him over the bar, and lots of
things too numerous to mention. I felt sorry for him, and told him I had
been fearful all along that he would get into trouble by going away from
me so much, and associating with the chaplains of the other regiments, but
I had never supposed it would come to this.</p>
<p>“Wine is a mocker,” said I, becoming warmed up, “and none of us can afford
to tamper with it. With me, it does not make so much difference, as I have
no reputation but that which is already lost, but you, my dear sir, think
of your position. Go to the colonel and confess all, and ask him to
forgive you,” and I wiped my eyes on my coat sleeve.</p>
<p>“But I was not drunk,” said the chaplain, indignantly. “I was not in a
saloon, and never saw a game of billiards in my life. I was over to the
New Jersey regiment, talking with their chaplain about getting up a
revival, among the soldiers,” and the good man groaned as he said, “it is
a case of mistaken identity.”</p>
<p>“Bully, elder,” said I. “If you can make the court-martial believe you,
you will be all right, and you will not be cashiered. But it looks dark,
very dark, for you. May heaven help you.”</p>
<p>The chaplain was worried all the morning, and the officers and men joked
him unmercifully. At noon the chaplain was released from arrest, as we
were to move at four p. m., and he begged so to be allowed to accompany
the regiment. The colonel told him he could be tried when we got back, and
he was happy. There was a great commotion as the regiment broke up its
camp and got ready to move. There was the usual crowd of negresses who had
been doing washing for the soldiers, to be paid on pay day, and we were
going away, no one knew where, and no one knew when we would meet pay day.
There were saloon-keepers with bills against officers, and standing-off
creditors was just about as hard in the army as at home. I couldn't see
much difference. But finally everything was ready, the ammunition wagons,
wagon train of stores, and a battery of little guns, about three pounders,
had been added. I didn't like the battery. It seemed to me hard enough to
kill our fellow citizens with revolver balls, without shooting them with
cannon. At 4 p.m. the bugle sounded “forward,” and with the clanking of
sabers, rattling of hoofs and wagons, we marched outside the picket line,
past the cemetery where my deceased friends were buried, and were going
towards the enemy. The chaplain and myself were riding behind the colonel,
when the colonel asked the good man to ride up to a log that was beside
the road, and make his horse put his forefeet upon it, as he did on the
bar in the saloon. I felt sorry for the chaplain, and I rode up to the
log, and had Jeff put his feet up on it. Then I rode back and saluted the
colonel and told him it was I who had done the wicked things the chaplain
was accused of, and I told him how the chaplain was using my coat, so I
put on his, with the shoulder straps on, and all about it. He laughed at
first and then said, “Then you are under arrest. You may dismount and walk
and lead your horse until further orders.” I dismounted, like a little
man, and for five miles I walked, keeping up with the regiment. Finally
the colonel sung out, “gallop, march,” and I got on my horse. I reasoned
that the order to gallop was “further orders,” and that as he knew I
couldn't very well gallop on foot he must have meant for me to get on. We
galloped for about ten miles, and were ordered to halt, when I dismounted
and led my horse up to the colonel, and saluted him. “Well, you must have
had a hard time keeping up with us on foot,” said he. I told him it rested
me to go on foot. We were just going into camp for the night, and the
colonel said, “Well, as you are rested so much from your walk, you may go
out with the foraging party and get some feed for your horse and the
chaplain's.” I was willing to do anything for a quiet life, so I fell in
with a party of about forty, under a lieutenant, and we rode off into the
country to steal forage from a plantation, keeping a sharp lookout for
Confederates who might object. I guess we rode away from camp two or three
miles, when we came to a magnificent plantation house, and outhouses,
negro quarters, etc. The house was on a hill, in a grove of live oaks, and
had immense white pillars, or columns in front. As we rode up to the
plantation the boys scattered all over the premises. This was the first
foraging expedition I had ever been with, and I thought all we went for
was to get forage for our horses, so I went to a shock of corn fodder and
took all that I could strap on my saddle, and was ready to go, when I
passed a smoke house and found some of the boys taking smoked hams and
sides of bacon. I asked one of the boys if they had permission to take
hams and things, and he laughed and said, “everything goes,” and he handed
me a ham which I hung on to my saddle. Then the lieutenant told me to go
up in front of the house and stand guard, and prevent any soldier from
entering the house. I rode up to the house, where there was an old lady
and a young married woman with a little girl by her side. They were
evidently much annoyed and frightened, though too proud to show it, and I
told them they need have no fear, as the men were only after a little
forage for their horses. The old lady looked at the ham on my saddle and
asked me if the horses eat meat, and I said, “No, but sometimes the men
eat horses.” I thought that was funny. The young woman was beautiful, and
the child was perfectly enchanting. They were on the opposite side of the
railing from me, and my horse kept working up towards them, rubbing his
nose on the pickets, and finally his nose touched the clasped hands of the
mother and child. The little girl laughed and patted the horse on the
nose, while the mother drew back. It was almost dark and the horse was
almost covered with corn fodder, but the little girl screamed and said:</p>
<p>“Mamma, that is Jeff, papa's horse!”</p>
<p>The mamma looked at me with a wild, hunted look, then at the horse, rushed
down the steps and threw her arms around the neck of the horse and sobbed
in a despairing manner:</p>
<p>“O, where is my husband? Where is he? Is he dead?</p>
<p>“My son, my son!” cried the old lady.</p>
<p>“Bring me my papa, you bad man!” said the little child, and I was
surrounded by the three.</p>
<p>Gentle reader, I have been through many scenes in my life, and have been
many times where it was not the toss of a copper whether death or life was
my portion, and I had some nerve to help me through, but I never was in a
place that tried me like that one. I had been captured by the father of
this little child, the husband of this beautiful, proud woman, the son of
this charming old lady. I had seen him brought in, dead, had seen him
buried, and had thrown a bunch of roses in his grave. Now I was surrounded
by these mourners, mourners when they should know the worst. Cold chills
run all over me, and cold perspiration was on my brow.</p>
<p>“Is he dead?” they all shouted together.</p>
<p>I hate a liar, on general principles, and yet there are times when a lie
is so much easier to tell than truth. I did not want to be a murderer, and
I knew, by the dreadful light in the eyes of that lovely wife, as she
looked up at me from the neck of the horse, her face as white as snow,
that if I told the truth she would fall dead right where she was. If I
told the truth that blessed old lady's heart would be broken, and that
little child's face would not have any more smiles, during the war, for
mamma and grandma, and, with a hoarse voice, and choking, and trying to
swallow something that seemed as big as a baseball in my throat, I
deliberately lied to them. I told them the young man who rode this horse
had been captured, after a gallant fight, unharmed, and sent north. That
he was so brave that our boys fell in love with him, and there was nothing
too good for him in our army, and that he would be well taken care of, and
exchanged soon, I had no doubt, and bade them not to worry, but to look at
the discomforts and annoyances of war as leniently as possible, and all
would be well soon.</p>
<p>“Thank heaven! Take all we have got in welcome,” said the old lady, as a
heavenly smile came over her face. “My boy is safe.”</p>
<p>“O, thank you, sir,” said the little mother, as a lovely smile chased a
dimple all around her mouth, and corraled it in her left cheek, while a
pair of navy-blue eyes looked up at me as though she would hug me if I was
not a Yankee, eyes that I have seen a thousand times since, in dreams,
often with tears in them.</p>
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<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/103.jpg" alt="You Are a Darling Good Man 103 " width-obs="100%" /><br/></div>
<p>“You are a darling good man,” said the little girl, dancing on the gravel
path. The mother blushed and said,</p>
<p>“Why, Maudie, don't be so rude;” and there was a shout:</p>
<p>“Fall in!”</p>
<p>The lieutenant rode up to me and asked, as he noticed the glad smiles on
the faces of the ladies, if this was a family reunion, and, apologizing
for being compelled to raid the plantation, we rode away. I was afraid
they would mention the news I had brought them, and the lieutenant would
tell the truth, so I was glad to move. I was glad to go, for if I had
remained longer I would have cried like a baby, and given them back the
horse, and walked to camp. As we moved away, I took out my knife and cut
the string that held the smoked ham on my saddle, and had the satisfaction
of hearing it drop on the path before the house. I could not give back the
husband of the blue-eyed woman, the son of the saintly Southern mother,
the father of the sweet child, but I <i>could</i> leave that ham. As we
rode back to camp that beautiful moonlight night, I did not join in the
singing of the boys, or the jokes. I just thought of that happy home I had
left, and how it would be stricken, later, when the news was brought them,
and wondered if that fearful lie I had been telling, them was justifiable,
under the circumstances, and it it would be laid up against me, charged up
in the book above. That night I slept on the ground on some corn fodder
and dreamed of nothing but blue-eyed mamma's and golden-haired Maudie's
and white-haired angel grandmothers.</p>
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