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Peeps at People - Being Certain Papers from the Writings of Anne Warrington Witherup (Dramatic Reading)

<h2>PEEPS AT</h2> <h2>PEOPLE</h2> <h3>Being Certain Papers</h3> <h3>from the Writings of</h3> <h3>ANNE WARRINGTON</h3> <h3>WITHERUP. Collected, by</h3> <h3>JOHN KENDRICK BANGS</h3> <hr class="chap" /> [Pg 3] <h2>NANSEN</h2> It was in the early part of February last that, acting under instructions from headquarters, I set forth from my office in London upon my pilgrimage to the shrines of the world's illustrious. Readers everywhere are interested in the home life of men who have made themselves factors in art, science, letters, and history, and to these people I was commissioned to go. But one restriction was placed upon me in the pursuit of the golden Notoriety, and that was that I should spare no expense whatever to attain my ends. At first this was embarrassing. Wealth suddenly acquired always is. But in time I overcame such difficulties as[Pg 4] beset me, and soon learned to spend thousands of dollars with comparative ease. And first of all I decided to visit Nansen. To see him at home, if by any possibility Nansen could be at home anywhere, would enable me to open my series interestingly. I remembered distinctly that upon his return from the North Pole he had found my own people too cold for comfort. I called to mind that, having travelled for months seeking the Pole, he had accused my fellow-countrymen of coming to see him out of "mere curiosity," and I recalled at the same time that with remarkable originality he had declared that we heated our railway trains to an extent which suggested his future rather than his past. Wherefore I decided to visit Nansen to hear what else he might have to say, while some of the incidents of his visit were fresh in our minds. The next thing to discover, the decision having been reached, was as to Nansen's whereabouts. Nobody in London[Pg 5] seemed to know exactly where he might be found. I asked the manager of the house in which I dwelt, and he hadn't an idea—he never had, for that matter. Then I asked a policeman, and he said he thought he was dancing at the Empire, but he wasn't sure. Next I sought his publishers and asked for his banker's address. The reply included every bank in London, with several trust companies in France and Spain. To my regret, I learned that we Americans hold none of his surplus. "But where do you send his letters?" I demanded of his publisher, in despair. "Dr. Nansen has authorized us to destroy them unopened," was the reply. "They contain nothing but requests for his autograph." "But your letters to him containing his royalties—where do they go?" I demanded. "We address them to him in our own care," was the answer. "And then?" I queried. [Pg 6] "According to his instructions, they are destroyed unopened," said the publisher, twisting his thumbs meditatively. It seemed hopeless. <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_004.jpg" width-obs="293" height-obs="400" alt="" /> "I BOARDED A PJINE RJAFT"</div> Suddenly an idea flashed across my mind. I will go, I thought, to the coldest railway station in London and ask for a ticket for Nansen. A man so fastidious as he is in the matter of temperature, I reasoned, cannot have left London at any one of their moderately warm stations. Where the temperature is most frigid, there Nansen must have gone when leaving, he is such a stickler for temperature. Wherefore I went to the Waterloo Station—it is the coldest railway station I know—and I asked the agent for a ticket for Nansen. He seemed nonplussed for a moment, and, to cover his embarrassment, asked: "Second or third class?" "First," said I, putting down a five-pound note. "Certainly," said he, handing me a ticket to Southampton. "Do you think[Pg 7] you people in the States will really have war with Spain?" I will not dilate upon this incident. Suffice it to say that the ticket man sent me to Southampton, where, he said, I'd be most likely to find a boat that would carry me to Nansen. And he was right. I reached Sjwjcktcwjch within twenty-four hours, and holding, as I did, letters of introduction from President McKinley and her Majesty Queen Victoria, from Richard Croker and Major Pond, Mr. Nansen consented to receive me. He lived in an Esquimau hut on an ice-floe which was passing the winter in the far-famed Maelstrom. How I reached it Heaven only knows. I frankly confess that I do not. I only know that under the guidance of Svenskjold Bjonstjon I boarded a plain pjine rjaft, such as the Norwegians use, and was pjaddjled out into the seething whirlpool, in the midst of which was Nansen's more or less portable cottage. When I recovered I found myself seated[Pg 8] inside the cottage, which, like everything else in the Maelstrom, was waltzing about as if at a military ball or Westchester County dance. "Well," said my host, looking at me coldly. "You are here. Why are you here?" <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_005.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="351" alt="" /> "'MR. NANSEN?' SAID I"</div> "Mr. Nansen?" said I. "The very same," said he, taking an icicle out of his vest pocket and biting off the end of it. "The Polar Explorer?" I added. "There is but one Nansen," said he, brushing the rime from his eyebrows. "Why ask foolish questions? If I am Nansen, then it goes without saying that I am the Polar Explorer." "Excuse me," I replied. "I merely wished to know." And then I took a one-dollar bill from my purse. "Here, Mr. Nansen, is my dollar. That is, I understand, the regular fee for seeing you. I should like now to converse with you. What is your price per word?" "Have you spoken to my agents?" he asked. "No," said I. "Then it will only cost you $160 a word. Had you arranged through them, I should have had to charge you $200. You see," he added, apologetically, "I have to pay them a commission of twenty per cent." "I understand that," said I. "I have given public readings myself, and after paying the agent's commission and travelling expenses I have invariably been compelled to go back and live with my mother for six months." "Miss Witherup," said Nansen, rising, "you did not intend to do it, and I therefore forgive you, but for the moment you have made me feel warmly towards you. Please do not do it again. Frigidity is necessary to my business. What can I do for you?" "Talk to me," said I. He immediately froze up again. "What about?" said he. "The Pole?" "No," said I. "About America." "I cannot!" he cried, despairingly.[Pg 9] [Pg 10] "I do not wish to dwell upon my sufferings. If I told about my American experience, people would not believe; they would rank me with Munchausen, my sufferings were so intense. Let me tell of how I lived on Esquimau dog-chops and ice-cream for nineteen weeks." "Pardon me, Mr. Nansen," said I, "but I can't do that. We Americans know all about the North Pole. Few of us, on the other hand, know anything about America, and we wish to be enlightened. What did you think of Chicago?" "Chicago? H'm! Let me see," said Nansen, tapping his forehead gently with an ice-pick. "Chicago! Oh yes, I remember; it was a charmingly cold city, full of trolley-cars, and having a newly acquired subway and a public library. I found it a beautiful city, madam, and the view from the Bunker Hill Statue of Liberty was superb, looking down over Blackwell's Island through the Golden Gate out into the vast, trackless waste of Lake Superior. Yes, I thought well of[Pg 11] it. If I remember rightly, we took in $1869 at the door." I was surprised at his command of details, and resolved further to test his memory. "And Philadelphia, Mr. Nansen?" <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_006.jpg" width-obs="500" height-obs="177" alt="" /> "DINED WITH THE CABINET"</div> "A superb city, considering its recency, as you say in English. I met many delightful people there. Senator Tom Reed received me at his palace on Euclid Avenue, if I remember the street aright; the Mayor of the city, Mr. McKinley, gave me a dinner, at which I sat down with Mr. Cleveland and Mr. Van Wyck, and Mr. Bryan and Mr. Pulitzer, and other members of his cabinet; and in my leisure hours I found the theatres of Philadelphia most pleasing, with Mr. Jefferson singing his nigger songs, Mr. Mansfield in his inimitable skirt-dancing, and, best of all, Mr. Daly's Shakespearian revivals of 'Hamlet' and 'Othello,' with Miss Rehan in the title-rôles. Oh yes, Miss Witherdown—" "Witherup!" I snapped, coldly. [Pg 12] "Excuse me, Witherup," said the great explorer. "Oh yes, Miss Witherup, I found America a most delightful country, especially your capital city of Philadelphia." "Herr Nansen," said I, "are you as accurate in your observations of the North Pole as in your notes of the States, as expressed to me?" "Neither more nor less so," said he, somewhat uneasily, I thought. "But you have drawn a most delightful picture of the States," said I. "I think all Americans will be pleased by your reference to the Bunker Hill Monument at Chicago, and Mayor McKinley's cabinet at Philadelphia. On the other hand, you spoke of intense suffering while with us." "Yes," said he, "I did—because I suffered. Have you ever travelled in your own country, madam?" "I am an American," said I. "Therefore when I travel I travel abroad." "Then you do not know of the privations of American travel," he cried. "Consider me, Nansen, compelled, after the delightful discomfort of the Fram, to have to endure the horrid excellence of your Pullman service. Consider me, Nansen, after having subsisted on dogs and kerosene oil for months, having to eat a breakfast costing a dollar at one of your American hotels, consisting of porridge, broiled chicken, deviled kidney, four kinds of potatoes, eggs in every style, real coffee, and buckwheat cakes! Consider me—" "Nansen?" I inquired. "Yes, Nansen," said he. "Consider me, Nansen, used to the cold of the Arctic regions, the Arctic perils, having to wake up every morning in an American hotel or an American parlor-car, warm, without peril, comfortable, without anything whatsoever to growl about." "It must have been devilish," said I. "It was," said he. "Well, Mr. Nansen," I put in, rising, "you can stand it. You are cold enough[Pg 13] [Pg 14] to stay in Hades for forty-seven years without losing your outside garments. How much do I owe you?" "Fifteen thousand dollars, please," said he. I gave him the money and swam away. "Good-bye," he cried, as I reached the outer edge of the Maelstrom. "I[Pg 15] hope, next time I go to America, that I shall meet you." "Many thanks," said I. "When do you expect to come?" "Never," he replied, "Deo volente!" Charming chap, that Nansen. So warm, you know. <hr class="chap" /> [Pg 16] [Pg 17] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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