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To A Hotel Keeper

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<h3> TO AN HOTEL KEEPER </h3> My dear Sir,— Oft in the stilly night My thoughts fly In your direction, For oft in the stilly night It is my unfortunate habit To have uncomfortable dreams, And the worst of them Runs to bankruptcy. I have a horror of bankruptcy, At any rate in my dreams. I sometimes lie Between the blankets In a cold sweat And for public examination as it were, And the presiding genius of the court Says to me, sepulchrally, "To what do you attribute your financial rottenness?" I fall into a colder sweat And remark, With a humility Which becomes my unfortunate position, "Sir, if you please, I have been living at an hotel." At this juncture of course I come in for every sympathy: The Court is with me, The Court has been there itself; There is not a dry eye about the place, Every man present knows what I mean, And his heart is touched accordingly. Sir, My dear Sir, You also know what I mean; In other words, you know That I am the victim of a convention, And that, when all is said that can be said, You are the author of that convention. As to the nature of that convention We will put it this way: One pound of steak To the actual consumer Should cost, say, 1s. 2d. Trimmings In the way of potatoes and peas might cost, say, 6d., Bread, 1d., Pepper, salt, and mustard, 1d. (You will notice that I put a princely price on everything), Total, 1s. 10d. Fifty per cent. profit for you, let us say, Would bring us up to 2s. 9d. Really you ought to let one off for 2s. 9d., But what do you do? Well, So far as I can gather from your bills, You lie awake at night Debating with yourself Whether you should charge one 3s. 6d. or 4s. 6d. And you usually come to the conclusion That it will be best For all parties concerned To charge one 5s. If one expostulates, You remark With hauteur That you thought you were dealing with a gentleman. You are quite correct in this surmise. But— One pays, And you pocket the difference. Then, again, on one's bill You put Bed, 7s. 6d. Which is cheap; And I do not murmur; But you also put Attendance, 2s. 6d.; Coffee in bedroom before rising, 1s.; Bath, 1s. 6d.; This is just 5s. too much, Especially in view of the fact That the attendance wears dirty shirts, That the bath Is lukewarm if you order it cold And lukewarm if you order it hot; And that the coffee before rising Doesn't cost you a farthing. I am aware, of course, That all this is very mean And low down On my part, But frankly Your rapacity Matters not so much to me As to yourself. People come once to your establishment, They read your bill, Pay your prices And tip your dirty-shirted waiters, And go away And forget to come back. Hence You are bound to charge The next man that comes along As much extra as he will stand, And by slow degrees Your establishment Is becoming A by-word And a warning. My dear Sir, Have a shilling bottle of wine (For which you charge me 3s. 6d.) At your own expense, Consult with your wife, And make up your mind Never to charge More than 2s. For 9d. worth of goods. Honesty is its own reward— It is really. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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