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Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h1 class="faux">MARION HARLAND’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE</h1> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/cover.jpg" width-obs="486" height-obs="800" alt="cover" /></div> <hr class="chap" /></div> <div class="maintitle">MARION HARLAND’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE</div> <hr class="chap" /></div> <div class="maintitle"> MARION HARLAND’S <big>Complete Etiquette</big> </div> <div class="center"> A Young People’s Guide to Every Social Occasion By MARION HARLAND AND VIRGINIA VAN DE WATER REVISED AND ENLARGED </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/emblem.jpg" width-obs="39" height-obs="21" alt="emblem of open book" /></div> <div class="center"> INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY PUBLISHERS </div> <hr class="chap" /></div> <div class="copyright"> Copyright 1905, 1907, 1914 The Bobbs-Merrill Company PRESS OF BRAUNWORTH & CO. BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS BROOKLYN, N. Y. </div> <hr class="chap" /></div> <h2>CONTENTS</h2> <div class="center"> <table border="0" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents"> <tr><td align="left" colspan="2">CHAPTER</td><td align="right">PAGE</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">I </td><td align="left">Sending and Receiving Invitations</td><td align="right">1</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">II </td><td align="left">Cards and Calls</td><td align="right">14</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">III </td><td align="left">Letter-Writing</td><td align="right">27</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">IV </td><td align="left">Introductions</td><td align="right">38</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">V </td><td align="left">After Six O’clock</td><td align="right">43</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">VI </td><td align="left">Functions</td><td align="right">52</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">VII </td><td align="left">The Home Wedding</td><td align="right">69</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">VIII </td><td align="left">The Church Wedding</td><td align="right">78</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">IX </td><td align="left">The Dinner Party</td><td align="right">88</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">X </td><td align="left">The Education of a Young Girl</td><td align="right">111</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XI </td><td align="left">The Débutante</td><td align="right">120</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XII </td><td align="left">Men and Women</td><td align="right">125</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XIII </td><td align="left">Coeducation Socially Considered</td><td align="right">136</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XIV </td><td align="left">The Chaperon</td><td align="right">145</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XV </td><td align="left">The Matter of Dress</td><td align="right">152</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XVI </td><td align="left">Making and Receiving Gifts</td><td align="right">167</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XVII </td><td align="left">Bachelor Hospitality</td><td align="right">175</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XVIII </td><td align="left">The Visitor</td><td align="right">182</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XIX </td><td align="left">The Visited</td><td align="right">195</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XX </td><td align="left">Hospitality as a Duty</td><td align="right">203</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXI </td><td align="left">The House of Mourning</td><td align="right">208</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXII </td><td align="left">At Table</td><td align="right">216</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXIII </td><td align="left">In the Home</td><td align="right">227</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXIV </td><td align="left">In Public</td><td align="right">238</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXV </td><td align="left">Hotel and Boarding-House Life</td><td align="right">249</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXVI </td><td align="left">In the Restaurant</td><td align="right">259</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXVII </td><td align="left">When Traveling</td><td align="right">268</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXVIII </td><td align="left">In Sport</td><td align="right">280</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXIX </td><td align="left">Mrs. Newlyrich and Her Social Duties</td><td align="right">291</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXX </td><td align="left">Delicate Points for Our Girl</td><td align="right">306</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXI </td><td align="left">Our Own and Other People’s Children</td><td align="right">315</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXII </td><td align="left">Our Neighbors</td><td align="right">323</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXIII </td><td align="left">Church and Parish</td><td align="right">329</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXIV </td><td align="left">The Woman’s Club</td><td align="right">337</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXV </td><td align="left">Charities, Public and Private</td><td align="right">347</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXVI </td><td align="left">Courtesy from the Young to the Old</td><td align="right">355</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXVII </td><td align="left">Mistress and Maid</td><td align="right">363</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXVIII </td><td align="left">The Woman Without a Maid</td><td align="right">371</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XXXIX </td><td align="left">Woman in Business Relations</td><td align="right">380</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XL </td><td align="left">A Financial Study for Our Young Couple</td><td align="right">387</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XLI </td><td align="left">More Talk About Allowances</td><td align="right">395</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XLII </td><td align="left">A Few of the Little Things that Are Big Things   </td><td align="right">399</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XLIII </td><td align="left">On Manner</td><td align="right">418</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XLIV </td><td align="left">Self-Help and Observation</td><td align="right">426</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">  </td><td align="left">Index</td><td align="right">433</td></tr> </table></div> <hr class="chap" /></div> <div class="maintitle"> MARION HARLAND’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE </div> [1] <h2>CHAPTER I SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS</h2> THE sending and receiving of invitations underlies social obligations. It therefore behooves both senders and recipients to learn the proper form in which these evidences of hospitality should be despatched and received. In the majority of cases an invitation demands an answer. If one is in doubt, it is well to err on the side of acknowledging an invitation, rather than on that of ignoring it altogether. <hr class="tb" /> We will consider first such invitations as demand no acceptance but which call for regrets if one can not accept. Such are cards to “At Home” days, to teas and to large receptions. Unless any one of these bears on its face the letters “R. s. v. p.” (Répondez, s’il vous plaît—Answer if you please) no acceptance is required. If one can not attend the function, one should send one’s card so that one’s friend will receive it on the day of her affair. [2] <div class="sidenote">CARDS FOR AN AT HOME</div> The cards for an “At Home” are issued about ten days before the function. They bear the hostess’ name alone, unless her husband is to receive with her, in which case the card may bear the two names, as “Mr. and Mrs. James Smith.” The average American man does not, however, figure at his wife’s “At Homes” when these are held in the afternoon. The exigencies of counting-room and office hold him in thrall too often for him to be depended on for such an occasion. <hr class="tb" /> A plain, heavy cream card, simply engraved, is now used for most formal invitations in preference to the engraved notes that were the rule ten years ago. The card bears in the lower right-hand corner the address of the entertainer; in the lower left-hand corner the date and the hours of the affair,—as “Wednesday, October the nineteenth,” and under this “From four until seven o’clock.” If the tea be given in honor of a friend, or to introduce a stranger, the card of this person is enclosed with that of the hostess, if the affair be rather informal. If, however, it be a formal reception it is well to have engraved upon the card of the hostess, directly under her own name, “To meet Miss Smith.” If a woman wishes to be at home for a guest[3] unexpectedly arrived, and there is not time for the engraving of cards, or if she prefers to be informal, she may simply use her visiting-card, writing the name of her guest beneath her own, and adding the date on which she will receive, and the hours, in the lower left-hand corner. It is understood, of course, that abbreviations—with the exception of “P. p. c.” and “R. s. v. p.”—are never to be used on invitations and social notes. The recipient, if sending cards instead of attending, encloses a card for the guest or friend whom she has been invited to meet. <div class="sidenote">THE EVENING RECEPTION</div> The cards for an evening reception may be issued in the same style. If not, they are in the form of a regular invitation, and in the third person, as: “Mr. and Mrs. James Smith Request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Brown’s company On Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth, From eight to eleven o’clock. 2 West Clark Street.” If this formal invitation bears “R. s. v. p.” in one corner, it should be accepted in the same person in which it is written, thus: [4] <div class="blockquot"> “Mr. and Mrs. John Brown accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s invitation for Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth.” </div> The reply to an invitation, whether formal or informal, should, to guard against misunderstanding, always explicitly repeat the date and the hour. It is hardly to be supposed that any person who reads this book will be guilty of the outrageous solecism of signing his or her name to an invitation written in the third person. But such things have been done! <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">ABBREVIATIONS AND FIGURES</div> The letters “R. s. v. p.” are often written or engraved entirely in capitals. This is incorrect. Some people prefer to dispense with them altogether and to express themselves in the simpler fashion, “The favor of an answer is requested.” It will be noticed that figures are avoided. The day of the week, and such words as “street” and “avenue” must appear in full. Some people even write out the year in words, but this looks heavy. Never use “City” or “Town” on an envelope in place of the name of the city. To announce an “At Home” through the newspapers is to be avoided. In case of the sudden descent of a friend who will remain for two or three days only it may be done. In that case one must[5] add that there are no invitations, otherwise one’s friends may not understand. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">DANCES AND TEAS</div> Invitations to dances are often issued in the same form as those to teas, with “Dancing” written or engraved in the corner of the card. As with teas, so with evening receptions, a declinature must be sent in the shape of a card delivered on the day of the function. The custom that some persons follow of writing “Regrets” on such a card is not good form. An invitation to a card-party, no matter how informal, always demands an answer, as the entertainer wishes to know how many tables to provide, and the number of players she can count on. <hr class="tb" /> Cards to church weddings demand no answer unless the wedding be a small one and the invitations are written by the bride or one of the relatives, in which case the acceptance or regret must be written at once, and thanks expressed for the honor. A “crush” church wedding is the one function that demands no reply of any kind. If one can go, well and good. If one does not go one will not be missed from the crowd that will throng the edifice. An invitation to a home wedding or a breakfast demands an answer and thanks for the honor. [6] <div class="sidenote">ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES</div> While on the subject of invitations to large or formal affairs, it may be well to touch on a point concerning which many correspondents write letters of agonized inquiry,—the addressing of envelopes to the different members of a family. The question, “May one invitation be sent to an entire family, consisting of parents, sons and daughters?” is asked again and again. To each of these an emphatic “No!” is the answer. If any person is to be honored by an invitation to a function, he should be honored by an invitation sent in the proper way. One card should be sent to “Mr. and Mrs. Blank”; another to the “Misses Blank,” still another to each son of the family. One can foresee the day when each unmarried daughter will expect her own card, so rapidly is feminine individuality developing. Each invitation is enclosed in a separate envelope, but, if desired, all these envelopes may be enclosed in a larger outer one addressed to the head of the house. <hr class="tb" /> The most important invitation,—one demanding an immediate answer,—is that to a dinner or luncheon, be this formal or informal. For stately formal dinners, engraved invitations in the third person are sent. But it is quite as good form, and in appearance much more hospitable and complimentary, for the hostess herself to write personal notes[7] of invitation to each guest. These may be in the simplest language, as: <div class="blockquot"> “My dear Miss Dorr: “Will you give Mr. Brown and myself the pleasure of having you at dinner with us on Thursday evening, December the sixth? We sincerely hope that you will be among those whom we see at our table that night. Dinner will be served at seven o’clock. “Cordially yours, “Louise Brown.” </div> An invitation to a married woman should always include herself and her husband, but it is addressed to her because it is the woman who is supposed to have charge of the social calendar of the family. This note may read: <div class="blockquot"> “My dear Mrs. Aikman: “Will you and Mr. Aikman honor us by being our guests at dinner on Thursday evening, December the sixth, at seven o’clock? Sincerely hoping to see you at that time, I remain, “Cordially yours, “Louise Brown.” </div> <div class="sidenote">THE SINGLE MAN</div> A note of invitation to a single man is written in the same way. If the dinner be given to any particular guest or guests, this fact should be mentioned[8] in the invitation. As, for instance, “Will you dine with us to meet Mr. and Mrs. Barrows,” and so forth. Single men who are warmly appreciative of dinner invitations and who foresee no opportunity in the near future to return the hospitality offered to them, frequently send a box of flowers to their hostess on the day of her entertainment. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE INVITATION TO DINNER</div> As soon as practicable after the receipt of a dinner invitation, the recipient should write a cordial note. If accepting she should express thanks and the pleasure she (or her husband and she) will take in being present at the time mentioned. As a rule the decision to accept or decline should be as absolute as it is immediate. Only the greatest intimacy and extraordinary circumstances warrant the request that an invitation be held open even for a day. The hostess must make her arrangements and she can not do so until she has heard definitely from all those she has asked. If a declinature is necessary, let it be in the form of a recognition of the honor conveyed in the invitation, and genuine regret at the impossibility of accepting it. This may be worded somewhat in the following way: <div class="blockquot"> “My dear Mrs. Brown: “Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely that a previous[9] engagement makes it impossible for us to accept your delightful invitation for December the sixth. We thank you for counting us among those who are so happy as to be your guests on that evening, and only wish that we could be with you. “Cordially and regretfully yours, “Jane Aikman.” </div> <div class="sidenote">DINNER ENGAGEMENTS BINDING</div> No matter how informal a dinner is to be, if the invitation is once accepted, nothing must be allowed to interfere with one’s attendance unless one is so ill that one’s physician absolutely forbids one leaving the house. Some wit said that a man’s only excuse for non-attendance at such a function is his death, in which case he should send his obituary notice as an explanation. Certain it is that nothing short of one’s own severe illness or the dangerous illness of a member of the family should interfere with one’s attendance at a dinner. Should such a contingency arise, a telegram or telephone message should be sent immediately that the hostess may try to engage another guest to take the place of the one who is unavoidably prevented from being present. When it becomes necessary to ask a guest to fill such a vacancy, the hostess will do best to explain the situation frankly, while the guest on his part need feel no slight at the lateness of his invitation. A clever woman always has several persons on[10] whom she can rely for such emergencies and whose good nature she does not fail to reward. <div class="sidenote">THE LUNCHEON</div> All the rules that apply to the sending and receiving of invitations to a dinner prevail with regard to a luncheon. It is next in importance as a function, and the acceptance or declinature of a letter requesting that one should attend it must be promptly despatched. In planning any social affair the hostess should think twice about asking together people who have for a long time lived in the same neighborhood or who are old residents of the city in any part but who are not apparently in the habit of seeing one another. Sometimes it is safer to ask one’s prospective guests outright if it will be agreeable for them to meet. Before closing this chapter we should like to remind the possible guest that an invitation is intended as an honor. The function to which one is asked may be all that is most boring, and the flesh and spirit may shrink from attending it. But if one declines what is meant as a compliment, let one do so in a manner that shows one appreciates the honor intended. To decline as if the person extending the invitation were a bit presumptuous in giving it, or to accept in a condescending manner, is a lapse that shows a common strain under a recently-acquired polish. A thoroughbred accepts[11] and declines all invitations as though he were honored by the attention. In doing so he shows himself worthy to receive any compliment that may under any circumstances be extended to him. Would that more of the strugglers up Society’s ladders would appreciate this truth! <hr class="tb" /> If a woman wishes to give any other special form of entertainment than a dance, she writes the suitable word, “Music,” “Bridge,” “Garden-party,” etc., in place of the word “Dancing.” For a dinner dance one sends a note or an engraved card with “Dancing at ten” or “Cotillion at eleven” in the corner, to the comparatively small number asked to dine. The guests asked for the dance receive only an “At Home” card, with the announcement “Dancing at ten” in the corner. <div class="sidenote">THE TEA-DANCE</div> The tea-dance or thé-dansant has recently been revived. This calls for an “At Home” card and the word “Dancing” in the corner. It is merely an ordinary afternoon tea at which space and music are provided for the young people to whirl about. Some people who entertain formally a great deal keep on hand a supply of large engraved cards with a space left blank in which the name of the guest is written. This is certainly a time-saving custom, but the appearance of such a card is less elegant than one wholly engraved, while on the other hand[12] it lacks the real cordiality of the written note. Aiming at a combined effect, it hardly achieves either of the things desired. A minor but amusing blunder sometimes made by thoughtless persons consists in inviting guests “for” dinner. The ducks and salad, ices and cakes are for dinner; the guests should be asked to it. A woman may take an out-of-town visitor to any large affair without obtaining permission beforehand, but she will of course, in speaking to her hostess, express appreciation of the pleasant opportunity thus afforded to her guest. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">CARDS AFTER A DEATH</div> After a death has taken place, one will not for a month or six weeks intrude on the seclusion of the family by sending any social invitations. After that time, however, they should be sent as usual. It is the personal privilege of the bereaved to determine how soon and to what extent they will resume their relations with society. If one is in mourning one can not of course with propriety become a member of any gay company, but nowadays mourning is not always assumed even by the most grievously stricken. If such persons find their burden more easily borne by the resumption, as far as may be, of their normal activities, it is the part of kindness to aid them in making this resumption as easy and natural as possible. [13] It is now considered correct to send all invitations by mail, though in some southern places the more elegant—if difficult—method of delivering them by the hand of a servant is still cherished. Many informal invitations are now extended by telephone. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">HOW INVITATIONS BEGIN</div> Dinner and wedding invitations and cards for evening receptions are issued in the names of both host and hostess. For a ball or a garden-party the name of the hostess may appear alone, though this is not usual. A young girl should never announce any but the smallest and most informal parties in her own name. Yet many young girls do so, ignoring their mothers and contributing unwittingly to our national reputation for bad manners. A bishop and his wife, if they are issuing cards to a large reception, often do it in this way: “The Bishop of Indiana and Mrs. Hereford request the honor,” etc. An invitation should never begin “You are cordially invited,” etc. It should always be issued in the name of some person or persons. “The Men’s Club invites you” or “The Diocesan Society requests the honor of” is good form. <hr class="chap" /></div> [14] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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