Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER II<br/> <small>CARDS AND CALLS</small></h2> <p class="drop-cap">THE styles of calling-cards change from year to year, even from season to season, so that it is impossible to make hard-and-fast rules as to the size and thickness of the bits of pasteboard, or the script with which they are engraved. Any good stationer can give one the desired information on these points.</p> <p>In choosing a card plate it is well to select a style of script so simple yet elegant that it will not be outré several seasons hence, unless one’s purse will allow one to revise one’s plate with each change of fashion. It should not be necessary to remark that a printed card is an atrocity. Even a man’s business-card should be engraved, not printed.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>It is no longer considered proper for one card to bear the husband’s and wife’s names together, as was a few years ago the mode, thus,—“Mr. and Mrs. Charles Sprague.” Still, some persons have a few cards thus marked and use them in sending<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</SPAN></span> gifts from husband and wife. As a rule, however, the husband’s card is enclosed in an envelope with that of his wife in sending gifts, regrets and the like.</p> <div class="sidenote">THE CARD OF A MATRON</div> <p>The card of a matron bears her husband’s full name unless she is a <i>divorcée</i>, thus,—“Mrs. George Williams Brown.” Even widows retain this style of address. In the lower right-hand corner is the address, and in the lower left-hand corner one’s “at home” days are named, as “Tuesdays until Lent,” or “Wednesdays in February and March,” or “Thursdays until May.”</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Nicknames and abbreviations are for intimate use only and should never appear on cards or invitations. A girl should distinguish between “Kitty” and “Katharine,” “Sarah” and “Sallie.” However, in the south many girls are christened “Sallie,” and this is accepted as her full and proper name accordingly.</p> <p>A young woman’s cards bear her name, “Miss Blank,” if she be the oldest or only daughter in the family. The address on her cards is in the lower left-hand corner. If she has an older sister the card reads “Miss Mary Hilton Blank.”</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A man’s card is much smaller than that of a woman and often has no address on it, unless it be<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</SPAN></span> a business-card, which must never be used for social purposes. The “Mr.” is put before the signature as, “Mr. James John Smith.” By the time a boy is eighteen he is considered old enough to have his cards marked with the prefix “Mr.” Until that time, he is, on the rare occasions when he is formally addressed, “Master.”</p> <div class="sidenote">THE USE OF TITLES</div> <p>A clergyman’s card is correctly engraved thus: “The Reverend James Vernon Smith.” A bishop is entitled to the greater distinction, “The Right Reverend.” A physician or a judge may use his title or not as he prefers. Army and navy officers invariably employ theirs except when the rank is as low as that of a lieutenant, when the full name, prefixed by “Mr.” is used, and below it, “Lieutenant of Third Cavalry, United States Army.”</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A woman with a daughter-in-law moving in society in the same city as herself may with propriety have her card engraved simply “Mrs. Brown.” Or she may follow the graceful foreign custom and be known as “Madame Brown,” which gives a pretty touch of dignity and makes it easy for callers to designate which of the two ladies they wish to see if both are living in the same house.</p> <p>A married woman never takes her husband’s title, no matter what that may be. She is never “Mrs. Judge ——” or “Mrs. Colonel ——.” Even the<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</SPAN></span> president’s wife is simply “Mrs. Cleveland” or “Mrs. Harrison.”</p> <div class="sidenote">ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT</div> <p>In direct address, the president of the United States is “Mr. President.” The vice-president is “Mr. ——.” Members of the cabinet are “Secretary A.” or “Secretary B.,” when introduced, and are addressed as “Mr. Secretary.” Senators are always addressed by their titles, but representatives are “Mr.” Except in naval and military circles titles expire with office. The man who was governor or mayor last year should not be introduced as “Ex-governor ——,” “Ex-mayor ——.”</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Perhaps there is no social obligation that is more neglected and ignored than that of calling at proper times and regular intervals. In the rush and hurry of American life, it is well-nigh impossible for the busy woman to perform her duty in this line unless she have a certain degree of system about it. To this end she should keep a regular calling-list or book, and pay strict heed to the debit and credit columns. It will require much management and thought to arrange her visits so that they will always fall on the “At Home” days of her acquaintances. When a woman has an “At Home” day it is an unwarrantable liberty for any one to call at any other time unless it be on business, or by special invitation, or permission. As many women<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</SPAN></span> have the same day at home one must limit the length of a call to fifteen or twenty minutes upon a casual acquaintance, never making it longer than half an hour even at the house of a friend.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">HOW TO SAY GOOD-BY</div> <p>One should learn to take one’s departure on a remark of one’s own, not hurrying away the moment one’s friend ceases to talk. On the other hand lingering good-bys in ordinary intercourse are a mistake and suggest that one lacks the finesse necessary to manage a polite withdrawal. An amusing story was told in a recent magazine—and vouched for as true—in which two young southern lads making their first formal call, were driven <i>to stay all night</i> because they could not get away—they were so timid.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Some persons seem to feel that there is a certain amount of pomp and circumstance about calling on an “At Home” day, and the novice in society asks timidly what she is to do at such a time. She is to do simply what she would do on any other day when she is sure of finding her hostess in and disengaged. The caller hands her card to the servant opening the door; then enters the parlor, greets her hostess, who will probably introduce her to any other guests who happen to be present, unless there be a large number of these, in which case she will<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</SPAN></span> probably be introduced to a few in her immediate vicinity. The caller will chat for a few minutes, take a cup of tea, coffee or chocolate offered her, with a biscuit, sandwich or piece of cake, or decline all refreshment if she prefers. At the end of fifteen or twenty minutes, she will rise, say “Good afternoon” to her hostess, murmur a “Good afternoon” to the company in general and take her departure. If her card has not been taken by the servant who opened the door for her, the caller may lay it on the hall table as she goes out.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">REFRESHMENTS FOR CALLERS</div> <p>When a woman is at home one day a week for several months, she is expected to make very little preparation in the way of refreshment for her chance guests. The tea tray is ready on the tea-table at one side of the room, and upon it are cups and saucers, teapot, canister and hot-water kettle. A plate of thin bread and butter, or sandwiches, or biscuits, and another of sweet wafers or fancy cakes, stand on this table. Sugar and cream and sliced lemon complete the outfit. The kettle is kept boiling that fresh tea may be made when required, and a servant enters when needed to take out the used cups. If there are many callers, the services of this maid may be required to assist in passing cups, and sugar and cream. Otherwise the hostess may attend to such matters herself, chatting<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</SPAN></span> pleasantly as she does so. It is not incumbent on a caller to take anything to eat or drink unless she wishes to do this. When one attends half-a-dozen such “At Homes” in an afternoon one would have to carry a bag like that worn by Jack the Giant-Killer of fairy lore, if one were to accept refreshments at each house. The hostess should, therefore, never insist that a guest eat and drink if she has declined to do so.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">HOW MANY CARDS TO LEAVE</div> <p>In calling on a married woman a matron leaves one of her own cards and two of her husband’s. Her card is for the hostess, one of her husband’s is for the hostess and the other for the man of the house. If there be several ladies in the family, as for instance, a mother and two daughters, the caller leaves one of her own and one of her husband’s cards for each woman, and an extra card from her husband for each man of the household.</p> <p>This is the general rule, but it must have some exceptions. For instance, in a household where there are five or six women it is ridiculous to leave an entire pack of visiting-cards. In this case a woman leaves her card for “the ladies,” and leaves it with her husband’s, also for “the ladies.” One of his cards is also left for the man of the family. Or if there be several men it may be left simply for “the gentlemen.”</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</SPAN></span></p> <p>If one knows that there is a guest staying at a house at which one calls, one must send in one’s card for this guest. Or, if one have a friend staying in the same town with one, and one calls on her, it is a breach of good breeding not to inquire for the friend’s hostess and leave a card for her whether she appear or not.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>When an engagement is made known the members of the man’s family should immediately call on his fiancée and her family, and a formal dinner should be given for them within two weeks.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE BLACK-EDGED CARD</div> <p>Custom clings to the black-edged card for those in mourning. It has its uses and surely its abuses. For those in deep mourning it is a convenience to send in the form of regrets, as the black edge gives sufficient reason in itself for the non-acceptance of invitations. It may also be sent with gifts to friends. If one uses it as a calling-card the border should be very narrow. If one is in such deep mourning that one’s card must appear with a half-inch of black around it, one is certainly in too deep mourning to pay calls. Until the black edge can be reduced to the less ostentatious eighth-of-an-inch width, the owner would do well to shun society.</p> <p>Nor should a black-edged card accompany an invitation<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</SPAN></span> to a social function. Several seasons ago a matron introduced to society in a large city a niece who had, eighteen months before, lost a brother. With the hostess’ invitations to the reception was enclosed the card of the young guest, and this card had a black border an eighth of an inch wide. The recipients of the invitations were to be pardoned if they wondered a bit at the incongruity of a person in mourning receiving at a large party. Under the circumstances she should have declined to have the social function given in her honor, or should have laid aside her insignia of dolor.</p> <p>If, then, one has reached the point where one is ready to reenter society, let one give up the mourning-cards and again use plain white bits of pasteboard.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">CALLING AFTER A DEATH</div> <p>In calling at a house after a bereavement, it is well, except when the afflicted one is an intimate friend, to leave the card with a message of sympathy at the door. One may, if one wishes, leave flowers with the card. A fortnight after the funeral one may call and ask to see the ladies of the family, adding that if they do not feel like seeing callers they will please not think of coming down. Under such circumstances only a supersensitive person will be hurt by receiving the message that the<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</SPAN></span> ladies beg to be excused, and that they are grateful for the kind thought that prompted the call.</p> <p>The rule that we have just given applies to the household in which there is serious illness. A call may consist of an inquiry at the door, and leaving a card. This may be accompanied by some such message as, “Please express my sincere hope that Mrs. Smith will soon be better, and assure Mr. Smith that if I can be of any service to him, or Mrs. Smith, I shall be grateful if he will let me know.”</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">MAKING PARTY CALLS</div> <p>One should always return a first call within three weeks after it has been made. After a dinner, luncheon or card-party, a call must be made within a fortnight. An afternoon tea requires no “party call.” After a large reception one may call within the month. After a wedding reception one must call within a fortnight on the mother of the bride, and on the bride on her “At Home” day as soon as possible after her return from the wedding trip. If one is in doubt as to the propriety of calling after an invitation, it is better to err on the side of making the call. One’s courteous intention will surely be appreciated while not to call may seem an unpardonable omission.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>In the case of an invitation extended without<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</SPAN></span> a first call having been made, women sometimes express doubt as to the course they should pursue. In the first place they will do well to realize that some of the people who entertain most delightfully are extremely busy people to whom the rigid routine of formal etiquette would be an intolerable burden. A clever woman is known by nothing more certainly than by the unerring instinct with which she relaxes her demands in such instances. If the woman who wishes to entertain encloses her own card this may be accepted as a substitute for the usual first call. The social value of one dinner invitation transcends many calls. Even if the visiting-card is not enclosed the recipient of the invitation will—if she be a sensible woman—accept if she really wishes to do so. At this point, however, social usage should begin to assert itself and the invited one should not fail to make the customary call of appreciation after the “party.” If one does not wish to make the acquaintance offered a formal note of declination will serve to discourage further intrusion.</p> <div class="sidenote">EXCEPTIONS TO SOCIAL RULES</div> <p>A rather surprising question sometimes asked is whether one should call after a dinner or dance invitation that has been declined. Certainly, the call should be made. One has been honored by one’s friends and the fact that one was prevented by circumstances from actually enjoying their hospitality<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</SPAN></span> makes no difference whatever with one’s responsibility for expressing appreciation.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A card with a message written on it fills many convenient social needs but it should never be used to take the place of a formal note. So employed it suggests haste and a degree of indifference that are contrary to the best breeding. The corners of cards are no longer turned down for any purpose.</p> <p>If one, on calling, is told by the servant opening the door that “Mrs. Brown is not at home,” this does not mean literally that Mrs. Brown is of necessity out of the house, neither does it mean that the servant has been instructed to tell an untruth. “Not at home” is an accepted abbreviation for “Not at home to visitors.” There are those to whom the phrase will, however, always have a disagreeable ring, and if Mrs. Brown have more tact and originality than the conventions demand she will probably direct her maid to say instead, “Mrs. Brown is not receiving to-day. She receives on Mondays.”</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">WHO SHOULD CALL FIRST</div> <p>Who calls first? The custom of residents calling on the newcomer is so firmly established in almost all communities that one may wonder at the question being asked. Yet in Washington—that is to say, in official Washington, this custom is reversed,<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</SPAN></span> and it is the newcomer who calls at the White House, on the vice-president, members of the cabinet, etc. In the case of the highest officials a return call is not expected but the courtesy is recognized by an invitation to some general reception.</p> <div class="sidenote">CUSTOM IN SMALL TOWNS</div> <p>The hours for calling vary according to the community one is in—though no afternoon call should be made before three o’clock. In small towns and villages where supper is eaten at six o’clock, one should not prolong a call after five-thirty. Evening calls in most American cities are usually made at eight o’clock or soon after, though in large eastern places where dinner is not served until seven, seven-thirty or eight, the nine o’clock call is not unusual.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Calls on the sick should be made with the greatest discretion. One should ascertain in the first place whether or not one’s friend will really be equal to seeing one, and then stay for a few moments only. Sick-bed visits especially should not be allowed to become visitations. Many a person with a chance for recovery has literally been talked into his grave by well-meaning callers. Intelligent nurses will quietly ask such people to remain away.</p> <hr class="chap" /></div> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</SPAN></span></p> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />