Back Aa

Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER VI FUNCTIONS</h2> THE rules that apply to a dinner hold good at a luncheon, to which function ladies only are usually invited, although when served at twelve o’clock, and called “breakfast,” men are also bidden. At a luncheon the women leave their coats in the dressing-room, wearing their hats and gloves to the table. The gloves are drawn off as soon as all are seated. Just why women elect to sit through an entire meal in a private house with their hats on is not readily explained and some independent hostesses request that hats be removed. But if they are retained, the gloves also should be worn to the table, not taken off up-stairs, as is often done. When the gloves are long, some women merely pull off the lower part and tuck it into the wrist, an ugly habit. <hr class="tb" /> In giving luncheons, hostesses with beautifully polished tables often prefer to use doilies of linen or lace instead of a cloth. More precise women never serve a meal without using a table-cloth, but[53] from an artistic point of view the shining surface of bare mahogany is charming. Luncheon guests should remember that their hostess may have engagements for the late afternoon, and not ordinarily prolong their stay after three o’clock—if luncheon has been at one. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">FORMAL RECEPTIONS</div> At an evening reception, the guests ascend to the dressing-rooms, if they wish, or may leave wraps in the hall, if a servant be there to take them. When one comes in a carriage with only an opera wrap over a reception gown, it is hardly worth while to mount the stairs. But this must be decided by the arrangements made by the entertainers. Before one enters the drawing-room one deposits one’s cards on the salver on the hall table. If there be a servant announcing guests the new arrival gives his name clearly and distinctly to this functionary, who repeats it in such a tone that those receiving may hear it. The guest enters the parlors at this moment, proceeds directly to his hostess, and after greeting her, speaks with each person receiving with her. He then passes on and mingles with the rest of the company. <hr class="tb" /> An afternoon reception is conducted in the same manner, the only difference being that, at an evening function refreshments are more elaborate than[54] at an afternoon affair, and frequently the guests repair to the dining-room, if this be large. At some day receptions, this is also done, but at a tea refreshments are usually passed in the drawing-rooms. A friend of the hostess usually pours the tea and the chocolate, and other friends are asked to assist. At successful receptions these ladies do not seek their especial friends among the guests, but are rather on the lookout for any who may be strange or timid. <div class="sidenote">CORRECT AFTERNOON DRESS</div> Refreshments so elaborate that they will spoil the appetite for dinner are not to be served at afternoon affairs. At the tea proper, only tea, bread and butter and little cakes are offered. If more than this is served the occasion is more properly called a reception. In any case the entertainment given in the afternoon should not take on the elaborate nature of an evening party and only in provincial communities is it allowed to do this. Many women in such places do not properly distinguish between afternoon and evening dress. While a woman may suitably wear before six a gown slightly low in the neck, she should not until after that hour wear one that is lower or whose sleeves do not come to the elbow. <hr class="tb" /> The “high tea” is a sit-down affair, really a very late luncheon. It is said to have originated in[55] Philadelphia and is, as one would expect, a formal stately affair with an elaborate menu. The guests have a delightful time—but do not want any dinner that evening. <div class="sidenote">HOW TO REVIVE FLOWERS</div> It is useful to know that when on the afternoon of a reception or dinner flowers intended for decoration arrive from the florist in a wilted condition they may often be revived by plunging the stems in boiling water. At a very large reception it is not now required that one force one’s self on the attention of the hostess for the sake of taking formal leave. One may instead depart whenever one is ready to do so. <hr class="tb" /> Music at a reception should not be so loud as to make talking difficult. In any but the largest houses a harp stationed in a side room or hall is ample. Foreigners find our babel of voices at such affairs subjects of criticism but often indeed one must shout if one is to be heard. Oliver Wendell Holmes is said to have described the average afternoon tea in four words, thus: “Gibble, gabble, gobble, git.” It can not be denied that they often merit the satire. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE COMING-OUT PARTY</div> The “coming-out” party or reception, at which the débutante makes her entrance in the world of society, is conducted as is any other reception, but[56] the débutante stands by her mother and receives with her. Each guest speaks some pleasant word of congratulation on shaking hands with the girl. Her dress should be exquisite, and she should carry flowers. These flowers are usually sent to her. When more are received than she can carry, they are placed about the room. If the coming-out party be in the evening, it is often followed by a dance for the young people. In sending out invitations for such an affair, the daughter’s card is enclosed with that of the mother, or her name is engraved below that of her mother on the latter’s card. One may leave such a function as has just been described as soon as one likes, and may take refreshments or not as one wishes. Just before departing the guest says good night to his hosts. The hour at which one goes to a reception may be at any time between the hours named on the cards issued. One should never go too early, or, if it can be avoided, on the stroke of the first hour mentioned. If the cards read “eight-thirty to eleven o’clock,” any time after nine o’clock will be proper and one will then be pretty sure not to be the first arrival of the company. <hr class="tb" /> A card-party is a function at which one should arrive with reasonable promptness. If the invitations[57] call for eight-thirty, one must try not to be more than ten or fifteen minutes late, as the starting of the game will be thus delayed and the hostess inconvenienced. After the game is ended, refreshments are served, and as soon after that as one pleases one may take one’s departure. <div class="sidenote">SERENITY AT CARDS</div> It is surprising how many people, at other times well-bred, quite lose their tempers at bridge or whist. The scent of a prize seems to arouse in them a spirit of vulgarity one would not discredit them with possessing if one met them away from the card table. The only proper attitude in all games is one or serenity and courtesy no matter what unspeakable blunders your partner may commit. <hr class="tb" /> The same rule of promptness applies to a musicale. After greeting the hostess, guests take the seats assigned to them, and chat with those persons near them until the program is begun. During the music not a word should be spoken. If one has no love for music, let consideration for others cause one to be silent. If this is impossible, it is less unkind to send a regret than to attend and by so doing mar others’ enjoyment of a musical feast. <hr class="tb" /> At a ball or large dance, one may arrive when[58] one wishes. The ladies are shown to the dressing-room, then meet their escorts at the head of the stairs and descend to the drawing-rooms or dance-hall. Here the host and hostess greet one, after which one mingles with the company. <div class="sidenote">FILLING DANCE PROGRAMS</div> At a formal dance, programs or orders of dance are provided, each man and each woman receiving one as he or she leaves the dressing-room or enters the drawing-room. Upon this card a woman has inscribed the names of the various men who ask for dances. As each man approaches her with the request that he be given a dance, she hands him her card and he writes his name on it, then writes her name on the corresponding blank on his own card. As he returns her program to her the man should say “Thank you!” The woman may bow slightly and smile or repeat the same words. No woman versed in the ways of polite society will give a dance promised to one man to another, unless the first man be so crassly ignorant or careless as to neglect to come for it. Should a man be guilty of this rudeness he can only humbly apologize and explain his mistake, begging to be taken again into favor. If he be sincere the woman must, by the laws of good breeding, consent to overlook his lapse, but she need not give him the next dance he asks for unless she believes him to be excusable. [59] A man invited to a dance will properly pay particular attention to the young ladies of the family whose guest he is, and will not neglect to ask their mother for one number if she be dancing. A convenient phrase covering any doubt as to whether a girl or woman wishes to take active part in the festivities is, “Are you dancing to-night?” <div class="sidenote">THE HOSTESS AT A DANCE</div> The hostess at a dance must deny herself all dancing, unless her guests are provided with partners—or, at least, she should not dance during the first part of the evening if other women are unsupplied with partners. At a large ball the hostess frequently has a floor committee of her men friends to see that sets are formed and that partners are provided for comparative strangers. No hirelings will do this so skilfully or with so much tact as will the personal friends of the entertainers. A young girl may, after a dance, ask to be taken to her chaperon, or to some other friend. She should, soon after the dance given to one man, dismiss him pleasantly, that he may ascertain the whereabouts of his next partner before the beginning of the next dance. <hr class="tb" /> At a small house dance or other informal party the hostess sometimes provides for the proper attendance for the girls going home but it is not often wise to depend on this. A girl, if she is[60] going to the home of an intimate friend, need not have a chaperon, but she should arrange that some one call for her and thus relieve her hostess of what is sometimes a trying responsibility. If the guest be a mature woman she may enjoy absolute independence by taking a cab. The etiquette governing weddings and wedding receptions will be explained in the chapters on “Weddings.” <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE ENGAGED COUPLE</div> In our foremothers’ day the publicity of the declared engagement was a thing unknown. Now, the behavior of the affianced pair and what is due to them from society deserve a page of their own. Perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are the newly-married, but the engaged couple presses them hard in this line. To behave well under the trying conditions attendant upon a recently-announced engagement demands tact and unselfishness. It should not be necessary to remind any well-bred girl or man that public exhibitions of affection are vulgar, or that self-absorption, or absorption in each other, is in wretched taste. The girl should act toward her betrothed in company as if he were her brother or any trusted man friend, avoiding all low-voiced or seemingly confidential conversation. The man, while attentive to every want and wish of the woman he loves, must still mingle with others and[61] talk with them, forcing himself, if necessary, to recollect that there are other women in the world besides the one of his choice. The fact that romantic young people and critical older ones are watching the behavior of the newly-engaged pair and commenting mentally thereon, is naturally a source of embarrassment to those most nearly concerned in the matter. But let each remember that people are becoming engaged each hour, that no strange outward transformation has come over them, and that all evidences of the marvelous change which each may feel has transformed life for him or her may be shown when they are in private. If they love each other, their happiness is too sacred a thing to be dragged forth for public view. It is customary, when an engagement is announced, for the friends of the happy girl to send her flowers, or some dainty betrothal gift. She must acknowledge each of these by a note of thanks and appreciation. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">ANNOUNCING ENGAGEMENTS</div> It is not good form for a girl to announce her own engagement, except to her own family and dear friends. A friend of the family may do this, either at a luncheon or party given for this purpose, or by mentioning it to the persons who will be interested in the pleasant news. When a girl[62] is congratulated, she should smile frankly and say “Thank you!” She should drill herself not to appear uncomfortably embarrassed. The same rule applies to the happy man. The conventional diamond solitaire ring is not worn until the engagement is announced. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES</div> The happily married often consider the Great Event of their lives of sufficient interest to the world-at-large to be commemorated by yearly festivities. Cards for wedding anniversaries bear the names of the married pair, the hours of the reception to be given and the two dates, thus: June 15, 1880——June 15, 1905. If the anniversary be the Silver Wedding the script may be in silver; if a Golden Wedding, in gilt. Wooden Wedding invitations, engraved or written on paper in close imitation of birch bark, are pretty. At one such affair all decorations were of shavings, and the refreshments were served on wooden plates. The Wooden Wedding is celebrated after an interval of five years. At a Tin Wedding, tinware was used extensively, even the punch being taken from small tin cups and dippers. This wedding marks the flight of ten years of married life. [63] The reception is usually held in the evening, and husband and wife receive together, and, if refreshments are served at tables, they sit side by side. It is proper to send an anniversary present suitable to the occasion. Such a gift is accompanied by a card bearing the name of the sender, and the word “Congratulations.” It is customary to send such a gift only a day or two before the celebration of the anniversary. An anniversary reception is just like a reception given at any other time, and rules for conducting such a one apply to this affair. To repeat the wedding ceremony, as is sometimes done, is in bad taste. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">CHRISTENING PARTIES</div> In close sequence to weddings and wedding anniversaries we give a few general directions for the conduct of christening-parties. As the small infant is supposed to be asleep early in the evening, the christening ceremony should take place in the morning or afternoon. As it is not always convenient for the business men of the family to get off in the daytime on week days, Sunday afternoon is often chosen for such an affair. Every prayer-book contains a description of the duties of godfathers and godmothers, if one belongs to a church having such. If not, the father holds the child, and the father and mother take[64] upon them the vows of the church to which they belong. After the religious service the little one is passed about among the guests, and is then taken by the nurse to the upper regions, while those assembled in its honor regale the inner man with refreshments provided for the occasion. The godfather and godmother make a gift to the child—usually some piece of silver or jewelry. This is displayed on a table in the drawing-room with any other presents that the invited guests may bring or send. It is the proper thing for the guests to congratulate the parents on the acquisition to the family and to wish the child health and happiness. Handsome calling gowns are en règle at a christening. <hr class="tb" /> Refreshments are often served en buffet at home weddings and at receptions but there is always some awkwardness attached to this method. To provide small tables for one’s guests to be seated at is much the better way when it is practicable. You will seem more hospitable and your guest will be more comfortable. The person who eats standing always has a catch-a-train look. <div class="sidenote">TAKING LEAVE</div> If obliged for any reason to leave unusually early at any party, go as quietly as possible. No hostess[65] likes to have her entertainment broken off unseasonably. <div class="sidenote">THE MARGIN OF MANNERS</div> Never hesitate at any social gathering to speak pleasantly to any one you chance to be thrown with or to respond to any one who speaks to you, even though no introduction has taken place. In England, few formal introductions are made,—as the phrase goes, “the roof is the introduction.” A passing courtesy of this sort commits you to nothing while it has a broad social value. Never indulge in snubs. If you are open to no higher appeal, remember that it pays to be civil all round. James has spoken of “the margin of manners,”—it is a useful asset. <hr class="tb" /> In recent years it has become permissible for the woman who wishes to give a large entertainment to do it at a club-house or in a hotel ballroom hired for the occasion. Frequently the room is made more attractive by the addition of rugs and other furnishings from the home of the hostess. While the hired hall is a convenience, and to the woman living in an apartment a necessity for receptions and dances, it can never take in elegance and the spirit of true hospitality the place of entertaining under one’s roof. When one sees women of wealth and leisure resort to it—“Because it[66] saves bother, you know”—one feels that these women must regard the events of social life as disagreeable duties rather than delightful opportunities. <hr class="tb" /> With us “Bonnets before six but not after” is the rule, and this is also the custom in England. But at formal receptions in the evening in France the hat is retained. The combination of picture-hat and low-cut gown is particularly attractive and one wishes that American women would occasionally, at least, copy it. <div class="sidenote">HAVE PLENTY OF CHAIRS</div> If you give a musicale be sure you provide plenty of chairs. To do this one must, unfortunately, rent folding chairs and these always have a slight funereal aspect. But that is better than compelling people to stand. One wonders why women of large means, who entertain on a corresponding scale, do not buy several dozen of these chairs and stain them dark. A woman who spoke of a certain house as hospitable in appearance, being asked what she meant, answered, “There are so many places in it to sit.” A woman who is not willing to take the trouble to be a hostess should not ask people to her house. In order to make even a simple entertainment a success it is necessary that there should be a directing though quiet influence. Some women are too[67] strenuous as hostesses, others are merely guests at their own parties. Here as elsewhere there is a medium course that is most to be desired. <div class="sidenote">THE IDEAL SOCIETY</div> The spirit of an ideal society has been well expressed by Amiel in his famous Journal: “In society people are expected to behave as if they lived on ambrosia and concerned themselves with nothing but the loftiest interests. Anxiety, need, passion, have no existence. All realism is suppressed as brutal. In a word, what we call ‘society’ proceeds for the moment on the flattering illusory assumption that it is moving in an ethereal atmosphere and breathing the air of the gods. All vehemence, all natural expression, all real suffering, all careless familiarity, or any frank sign of passion, are startling and distasteful in this delicate milieu; they at once destroy the common work, the cloud palace, the magical architectural whole, which has been raised by the general consent and effort. It is like the sharp cock-crow which breaks the spell of all enchantments, and puts the fairies to flight. These select gatherings produce, without knowing it, a sort of concert for eyes and ears, an improvised work of art. By the instinctive collaboration of everybody concerned, intellect and taste hold festival, and the associations of reality are exchanged for the associations of imagination. So understood,[68] society is a form of poetry; the cultivated classes deliberately recompose the idyll of the past and the buried world of Astrea. Paradox or no, I believe that these fugitive attempts to reconstruct a dream whose only end is beauty represent confused reminiscences of an age of gold haunting the human heart, or rather aspirations toward a harmony of things which every-day reality denies to us, and of which art alone gives us a glimpse.” <div class="sidenote">A PERFECT SOCIAL GROUP</div> Speaking of a certain soirée, the same writer emphasizes the fact that the most beautiful social groups are not confined to any one age or sex. “About thirty people representing our best society were there, a happy mixture of sexes and ages. There were gray heads, young girls, bright faces—the whole framed in some Aubusson tapestries which made a charming background, and gave a soft air of distances to the brilliantly-dressed groups.” <hr class="chap" /></div> [69] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

1 of 2

2 of 2

Update Required To play the media you will need to either update your browser to a recent version or update your Flash plugin.