Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER XIII<br/> <small>COEDUCATION SOCIALLY CONSIDERED</small></h2> <p class="drop-cap">THE idea of coeducation is a peculiarly American idea. Perhaps nowhere else in the world do such large bodies of young men and young women meet together for purposes of study and, at the same time, enjoy together such social freedom as is the case in the coeducational institutions of the United States. One may question the wisdom of the coeducational idea, but as to its popularity there can be no doubt. Coeducation is not only with us, but, if indications are correct, it has come to stay.</p> <p>Its opponents say that men and women do not work together so well as apart, that the distraction of sex in coeducational institutions is such as to prevent both men and women from making the highest intellectual effort in their power. The advocates of the system contend that the contact of the sexes in school is a source of improvement to the manners of both, that it makes young men more courteous and young women less sentimental. The<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</SPAN></span> friends of the movement also say that men and women are stimulated to their best endeavor by the presence of the opposite sex; and that, as the masculine and the feminine intellects differ, one being complementary to the other, so men and women, studying together, gain a rounded conception of the subject in hand not possible otherwise.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE SOCIAL AMENITIES</div> <p>This article is not concerned with the pros and cons of the argument, only with the questions suggested by the freedom and facility with which young people meet one another in coeducational schools. It is easy to say that the usual social conventions should be observed, as of course they should; but it is not hard to see that the somewhat informal conditions under which young people meet in these institutions, make a strict adherence to the code a matter of difficulty. Eighteen is the average age at which young people enter college. They are scarcely men and women, yet they are too old for schoolboy and girl pranks, in which, however, they often feel tempted to indulge. Many young men and young women start to college without social experience. They may belong to good families whose essential ideals of conduct are stanch and fine, but to families in which hard work and financial stress have crowded out the knowledge and practise of social amenities. The youth of<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</SPAN></span> the students concerned, the inexperience of many, the variety in previous training and inheritance make the question of social relations much more complicated than it would be in the towns or cities from which the various students come and where each one belongs by custom and birth to a well-defined circle of friends.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">FORMING FRIENDSHIPS</div> <p>A golden piece of advice for those entering college, though one not easy to follow, is: “Be slow in forming your friendships.” The friendships you make with the members of your own sex influence decidedly your friendships with the other and both should be entered into with deliberation. Better be somewhat lonely in the beginning of college life than precipitate relations with those whom you may later come to distrust. Let a young woman wait, take time to survey the situation coolly and dispassionately, before she decides which one, if any, of the Greek societies which solicit her attention she will enter. Do not let her be carried away by the “rushing,” the spreads, the flatteries, the flowers that may be used to influence her decision. She will be all the more valued by the sorority that gets her if she holds off a little until her own mind and judgment have rendered an answer to invitation. And, in the same relative situation, the same word of warning applies to<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</SPAN></span> young men. It is in place here to say in regard to the Greek societies that the pleasure and profit derived by the members from such membership should not lead them to a selfish disregard of those outside. The tendency to work only for one’s fraternity or sorority and to find fellowship or friendship nowhere else is recognized as a narrowing influence in these organizations.</p> <div class="sidenote">COLLEGE PRECEDENTS</div> <p>Each college, coeducational or otherwise, has its local etiquette that has risen out of its history. Certain things can be done by seniors, for instance, that would not be tolerated in freshmen; certain other things that have no reference to the general rules of society are barred because of a collegiate caprice that has been transformed into law. With this unwritten but binding etiquette the student soon becomes acquainted. If he runs counter to it, he is brought up sharply and made to realize the penalty. The etiquette of common sense, which should guide the relations between young men and women, is of another sort and, owing to the exigencies of the case, must largely be expressed by negative admonitions. The first of these is, do not feel that absence from home gives you privileges to do what you would not do at home. The word “lark” is an enticing one, but young men and young women do not indulge in “larks” together without paying up. Anything that involves secrecy in the<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</SPAN></span> good times of young men and young women away at school should be avoided.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">AVOID FAMILIARITY</div> <p>The frequency with which young people of two sexes meet one another in coeducational schools leads them easily into the habit of calling each other by their first names, and into the worse one of adopting nicknames. The advice of <i>Punch</i> is in place. Don’t. Friendship does not mean familiarity. Indeed familiarity is its greatest foe. When a young girl allows a young man to call her by her first name, unless engaged to him, she cheapens his regard for her by just so much.</p> <p>It often happens that the dormitories or boarding-houses where students live do not afford attractive reception rooms. A young woman shrinks from receiving calls from her young men acquaintances in ugly surroundings and in a room filled perhaps with uncongenial girls or those indifferent to her. It is not improper, under these circumstances, that she should see her men friends elsewhere,—at the college library, at the house of some married friend or in the course of a walk planned beforehand. But it is in wretched taste for her to loiter on the streets with a young man, to stop on corners for talk, to walk back and forth repeatedly from college to boarding-place in his company. Again good sense says, “Don’t.”</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</SPAN></span></p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">EXCHANGE OF PHOTOGRAPHS</div> <p>Exchanging photographs is regarded as one of the special privileges of college life. It would be interesting to know how large a per cent. of the income made by photographers in the United States comes from college students. The exchange of photographs between young men and young women in the same class in college is allowable. Such exchange is, in a sense, official and impersonal, and is warranted by that fact. When a young woman bestows her photograph under such circumstances she should write upon it the name of the college and the date of the class. This will indicate clearly that the giving is not a matter of sentiment. The promiscuous exchange of photographs between young men and young women at college is bad. Only a brother or a lover or an old friend should be the recipient of a young woman’s likeness. There is something too intimate about such a gift to make it an object of general distribution.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>One more “Don’t” occurs to the writer as applicable to the relations of young men and women as fellow students. Don’t use the college slang or jargon when you talk together. If it is impossible to keep it altogether out of the talk, use as little of it as possible. Men students may carry on conversation through this medium and it is sometimes very funny, but it was not intended for feminine<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</SPAN></span> purposes. It is disgusting to hear a young man speak to a young woman in the terms he would use in addressing his chum. On the other hand it is the attempted mannishness of tone popular with some women students that prejudices many worthy people against coeducational schools. The use of college slang outside the boundaries of college life is bad form even for a man, and gives a provincial tone to his talk.</p> <div class="sidenote">CLASS FESTIVITIES</div> <p>The opportunities for special festivities are many in coeducational life, and there is a strong temptation to overdo on the social side. Class dances and receptions, fraternity and sorority parties, commencement gaieties offer frequent allurement. A student, woman or man, should sift out this matter of recreation in his own mind and should determine how much pleasure of this kind he can afford financially and without detriment to his health or his class standing. Some social diversion he needs. To develop on the mental side only is a mistake. Too much diversion is a far more serious mistake.</p> <p>It goes without saying that, at the parties given by students, there should be proper chaperonage. This is particularly necessary in entertainments, often quite elaborate in character, given in chapter houses of the fraternities. The fact that young<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</SPAN></span> men are hosts to the young women on such occasions makes it the more necessary that chaperons should be numerous and not too vivacious in character.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE DEAN OF WOMEN</div> <p>There should be in every coeducational school a dean of women. The duties of such a position include regulation, as far as possible, of social relations between the young men and young women of the institution as well as actual instruction, if necessary, on the more important matters of social etiquette. In this official, young girls of the institution should find a friend to whom they may go for advice on vexed questions. Where there is no formal office of the kind named, the service indicated may sometimes be rendered by women members of the faculty. Some years ago, in a western town, the Chair of English Literature was occupied by a woman who took upon herself the burden of improving the manners of the student body, largely composed of sturdy young farmers and girls from country towns. Once a year in the college chapel, she gave a lecture on this subject in which she stated plainly what she thought necessary for the social improvement of the school. Many a young man was helped over awkward places by her advice; many a young woman saved from some<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</SPAN></span> escapade which she might have blushed later to own. The value of such instruction is inestimable.</p> <p>When opportunity offers for consultation with such a guide and teacher, the uninstructed student should avail himself of it. When such a privilege is not procurable, one’s own sense of propriety, if diligently sought for and obeyed, will often lead one out of an awkward situation for which one does not know the formal rule.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">HIGH-SCHOOL PARTIES</div> <p>Many parents who intend to send their daughters to women’s colleges allow them to take a preparatory course in a coeducational high school. The best high schools of that character now take the very important precaution of hiring a dean, whose duty it is especially to watch over the girl students. High-school sororities and all secret organizations are frowned on if not positively prohibited in these schools, as it has been demonstrated that they interfere with proper attention to studies and lead to many undesirable relationships. Class hops and receptions suitably chaperoned furnish sufficient diversion. One hopes that one of the results of the appointing of deans in the high schools will be a change in the manner of dressing of many high-school girls. It is too often both inartistic and in bad taste. A schoolgirl should be dressed prettily, but in a quiet and appropriate way.</p> <hr class="chap" /></div> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</SPAN></span></p> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />