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Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER XXII AT TABLE</h2> THE matter with which we have especially to do just now is the manners of the eater. The table may be simply or elaborately laid, as circumstances and taste dictate. It goes without saying that every housekeeper will have her board as attractive in appearance as possible, and that she will never omit the bowl or vase of flowers from the center of it. If her purse will not allow this decoration in midwinter she may substitute a potted plant or a vase containing a few sprays of English ivy, or wandering-jew. <hr class="tb" /> The men never sit down until the women are seated. Each man draws out for her the chair of the woman who sits next him. Even in the quiet home-life this practise should be observed, and husband or son must always draw from the table the chair in which the wife or mother is to sit, and remain standing until she is seated. The host is seated last. As soon as all are at the table the napkin is[217] unfolded and placed across the knees. It need not be opened wide, unless it is a small breakfast or luncheon serviette. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">CARVING THE ROAST</div> If a man undertakes to carve game or a roast he should learn to do it well and quietly, never sharpening his knife to the annoyance of his guests or rising from his seat for a better “hold.” Many women carve excellently, but as there is a feeling that it is a difficult thing to do, a clever guest who knows his hostess well, will sometimes beg leave to take her place for the performance of this task. When the hostess begins to eat, the others follow her example. All food must be eaten slowly, and, above all, noiselessly. Many a fastidious person has had her enjoyment of her soup spoiled by the audible sipping of it by her vis-à-vis or her next neighbor. The soup should be lifted from the plate by an outward sweep of the spoon, and taken quietly from the side, not the tip, of the spoon. It is bad form to break bread or crackers into the soup, and the plate containing the liquid should never be tipped in order to obtain every drop of the contents. <hr class="tb" /> Fish is not to be touched with the knife. There is reason for this. The cutting of some delicate sea-food with a steel knife affects the flavor of it, and renders it less delicate. The flesh is so tender[218] that it may be cut with a silver fork, and this is the only implement permitted in its manipulation. The same rule applies to salads, which are never, by the followers of conventionality, touched with the knife. Lettuce is, before serving, broken into bits of a convenient size to be carried to the mouth. If this is not done, the eater should cut it with the side of the fork, or fold each bit over into a convenient size for eating. <div class="sidenote">USES OF THE KNIFE</div> It should not be necessary to remind people in this day that the knife must only be used for the purpose of cutting food. When it has fulfilled this duty, being wielded by the right hand, the food being held in place by the fork in the left, the fork is then taken in the right hand, and the knife laid, with the edge turned outward, across the back of the plate. It is generally supposed that all classes know the use of the knife, yet in a fashionable restaurant there recently sat a handsomely-attired woman carrying French peas to her mouth with the blade of her knife. However, it is not so long since Chesterfield gave elaborate directions as to the proper way to eat with the knife! “Other times, other manners!” <hr class="tb" /> It is an atrocity to pile several kinds of food upon the fork, mold them into a small mound with the knife, and then “dump” the load into wide-open[219] jaws. Each kind of viand should be lifted, a small bit at a time, upon the fork. Mastication should be absolutely noiseless, and the process conducted with the lips closed. <hr class="tb" /> Bread, even when hot, may be broken off, a small piece at a time, buttered upon the plate, then eaten. All hot bread should be torn open or broken with the fingers, never cut into bits. To butter a slice of bread by laying it upon the table or, more disgusting still, upon the palm of the hand, is a relic of barbarism. At breakfast and luncheon the small bread and butter plate, with a small knife, is set at the upper left-hand side of the place and the bread should be kept on it. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">HOW TO EAT FRUITS</div> Such fruits as apples or peaches are peeled with a small silver fruit knife, cut into quarters and eaten with the fingers. Oranges are peeled and then pulled apart or they may—at breakfast—be cut in halves and eaten with the aid of the sharp-toothed orange spoon. Grapes should be eaten from behind the half-closed hand into which skin and the seeds then fall. It is permissible to use one’s knife to convey salt from one’s individual salt-cellar, if no tiny spoon for this purpose is supplied. But the salt shaker is a much more convenient device, though in damp weather the maid must see that the salt will “shake.” [220] A mouthful must never be so large as to make it impossible for the eater to speak if a question be addressed to him while he is disposing of it. Nor can too great stress be laid upon the duty of slow eating and thorough mastication of all kinds of food. Not only does it add to the grace of the table-manners, but it prevents indigestion. <hr class="tb" /> Never touch the food on the plate with the fingers, to push it upon the fork. If anything must be used for this purpose, let it be a bit of bread, but, if possible, dispense altogether with assistance of any kind. The fork should be equal to getting up all that is absolutely essential, and comfort does not depend upon securing every particle of meat or vegetables with which the plate is supplied. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE SPOON AND THE FORK</div> Every year the spoon has fewer uses, and the fork has more. Now, when it is possible, desserts are taken with the fork where a spoon used to be employed. Pie, cake, ice-cream and firm puddings, with all kinds of fruit, are eaten with the fork. Some persons hold a fork awkwardly in an up and down fashion instead of in the proper graceful horizontal one. Of course the spoon is still essential for semi-solids, such as custards, creams and jellies. There are a few things besides breads of all varieties which one is allowed to eat with the fingers.[221] Such are Saratoga chips, olives and small bird-bones,—these last to be taken daintily in the fingertips. It is no longer considered good form to eat asparagus with the fingers, although some very well-bred persons still do it. It is certainly an ugly sight to witness one’s opposite neighbor eating asparagus in this manner. It is possibly not so unattractive as to see him eat corn from the cob. But no better way of disposing of this last vegetable has as yet been invented. If corn is served on the cob, the cob should be broken into two or three pieces before it is lifted to the mouth. If one is so unlucky as to drop a fork or spoon, allow the maid to pick it up and to bring a fresh one, without making any comment whatever. A glass of wine overturned, however, demands apology and the hope that the hostess’ cloth will not be irremediably stained. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">AFTER-DINNER COFFEE</div> At breakfast, one may drink coffee with sugar and cream, but when black, or after-dinner coffee is served in a small cup, which is known as a demi-tasse, cream should be omitted. To ask for this when it is not on the table is the height of rudeness. One should learn to drink one’s after-dinner coffee without cream. Sugar is, of course, permissible. There is sense in this dictate of Fashion, as in many of the other rules laid down by this seemingly arbitrary dame. The coffee taken at the end of a hearty[222] meal is intended to act as a “settler” to the repast and to aid the work of digestion. This it does much more easily when clear than when “qualified” with milk or cream. Before drinking from a glass of water one should brush one’s lips with the corner of the napkin. <hr class="tb" /> After the salad course at a dinner, and before the dessert is brought in, the waitress removes the crumbs from the table, using a tray or plate and folded napkin for this purpose. When she does this it is bad form for the guest to lay in the tray any bits of bread that may be left at his place or to assist the waitress by moving his glass, salt-cellar, or any other article that may be left on the table. A good waitress removes salt-cellars, pepper-cruets and such articles, before crumbing the table, leaving only the glasses at each place. It is her business to do all this so quietly and deftly that the guests are scarcely conscious of it. To further this end, let the whole affair be attended to by the waitress, and do not seem to notice any lapses on her part. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE FINGER-BOWL</div> At the end of the meal the finger-bowls are used. The ends of the fingers are dipped in the water, and the lips touched with these; then mouth and hands are wiped upon the napkin which is left, unfolded, at the side of the plate, if one is taking only one[223] meal in the house. If a longer stay is expected, one may watch one’s hosts to see what they do with their napkins, and follow their example. Dinner over, the hostess makes the movement to rise, and she, with the other ladies, proceeds to the parlor. There they are joined later by the gentlemen. At an informal or family dinner, the men and women may leave the table together, the men standing aside to let the women pass out first, and in the drawing-room cigars may be lighted by the men after they have asked permission of the women to smoke. All these rules with regard to the company dinner apply to the family dinner as well. One can not be too careful in observing the laws of table etiquette in the family circle if one would be at ease in company. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">AVOID APOLOGIES</div> One warning I would give to the hostess or homemaker: Do not apologize unless necessary! If a dish is a signal failure, say with an apologetic smile that you regret that such a thing was spoiled in the baking, or that you fear the meat is very rare, and, unless the matter can be remedied, let it go at that. You but embarrass your guests and put them to the disagreeable necessity of reassuring you, if you dwell upon the matter. <hr class="tb" /> The host should never insist that one be served[224] to any dish after it has been positively declined. To do this is a mistake no matter how kindly the intention. There is an old saying that one man’s meat is another man’s poison. If your host insists, however, on helping you after your refusal, you must for decorum’s sake accept the food but you need do no more than taste it. At a formal dinner one is not served a second time to any dish, but at an informal dinner, what are called “second helps,” are quite permissible and convey a compliment to the hostess. When a plate is sent back to the carver for a fresh supply of meat, the knife and fork should be laid side by side upon it, not held in the hand, as some persons insist. And when one has finished eating, the knife and fork are laid in the same manner upon the plate, the tines of the fork up. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE NAPKIN</div> The napkin must never be tucked into the neck of gown or shirt, nor must it be fastened to the belt or the waistcoat button. After one leaves the nursery one should be able to eat without a bib. One of the characteristics of a well-appointed house is an abundance of fresh linen, including clean napkins, if possible, at every meal, certainly every day at dinner. A large napkin for dinner use is handsome, but it may be too large for convenience. No one wishes to be smothered by a “young table-cloth,”[225] as some one has called these immense serviettes. Breakfast napkins are distinctly smaller than dinner napkins. <div class="sidenote">MINOR TABLE LAWS</div> At breakfast a blue and white service is often liked and is certainly pretty. At dinner the china may be as costly as one can afford. If the purse is limited, the plain white or gold-band is a good choice, making a quietly elegant appearance and being easily replaced. In drinking coffee use the spoon to stir it slightly and to sip from, but never leave the spoon in the cup. When a fowl is carved if your host asks which piece you prefer it is entirely correct to express a preference, and indeed you will probably embarrass him if you decline to do so. A wine-glass should be lifted to the lips by the stem, not by the bowl. A waitress should be cautioned against the common practise of handing dishes and particularly water glasses with the thumb stuck inside the rim. Never tip the soup plate to get the last mouthful. The nervous habit some people have of playing with the silver or crumbling bread on the cloth looks very bad. Artichokes are broken apart with the fingers, the heart being conveyed to the mouth on the fork. One should sit easily erect at table at a convenient[226] distance from the board. Do not sit on your spine. If you are in doubt as to how to proceed with any course, take a cue from your hostess. Eggs, when boiled, should be served in individual egg cups, opened by lightly cracking the top of the shell with the knife, and eaten from the shell by the aid of tiny egg spoons. It should go without saying that when a dish is passed, one should always take the portion one touches; do not presume to make a choice of rolls or of fruit. Never put salt on the cloth. To attempt to assist the waitress by gathering together the articles before you, is a mistake. Leave that to her, and appear unconscious of her presence while she is so engaged. To hand a dish across the table is distinctly bad form. This habit has been designated as “the boarding house reach.” <hr class="chap" /></div> [227] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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