Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER XXIII<br/> <small>IN THE HOME</small></h2> <p class="drop-cap">“AS a man thinketh in his heart, so is he,” declares the Book of books. And as a man is in his home, so will he be abroad, when the “company manner” rubs off.</p> <p>One frequently becomes involved in some quite unexpected circumstance that scratches off the beautiful surface-coloring, if it be only as deep as the hue on the stained wood.</p> <div class="sidenote">ADJUSTABLE COURTESY</div> <p>The manner that one puts on when one goes into a friend’s house, or dons when one is “in company,” is what may be called “adjustable courtesy.” If it is not made of the best material it seldom fits well.</p> <p>Not long ago a friend drove with us by the house of a man whose society manners, when first seen, call forth admiration. Upon this particular spring afternoon, he sat upon the veranda of his home. As we approached, and he met our glance, he sprang to his feet, bowed low and remained standing until we had passed.</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</SPAN></span></p> <p>“What a pretty attention to pay to two women!” we exclaimed.</p> <p>Our friend gave a significant shrug, and called our notice to the fact that the man’s wife had, before we came by, driven up to the end of the veranda, and that she was, unaided, climbing from a high trap in which she and her two little girls had been driving, while her husband lolled at ease in a steamer chair. It took the presence of a woman who did not belong to him to bring him to his feet. Looking back, after we had passed, we noted that he had again resumed his lounging attitude, and that his wife was lifting the second child from the carriage.</p> <p>Such is adjustable courtesy! It is not an every-day garment, and is, consequently, worn only to impress strangers.</p> <p>No one can afford to do the injustice to his better self of allowing himself to become careless toward those with whom he lives, or to neglect the small sweet courtesies that should be found in the home, if anywhere. It is the home etiquette that makes the public etiquette what it should be. This reminder can not be repeated too often.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>In many houses men forget to show the respect due to wife, mother and sisters. Parents should train their sons to stand when a woman enters the room, and to remain standing until she sits down.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</SPAN></span> The considerate husband rises and offers his wife the easy chair in which he is seated. She, knowing that he is weary after a hard day at the office, will not take the chair, but she will appreciate the little attention, and love him the better for it.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE BARBAROUS TOOTHPICK</div> <p>In the talk on table etiquette, we have touched on many points, but not on certain things that seem too petty to be mentioned, as it is not supposed that persons of polite breeding need to be reminded of them. It is only when one looks in on the home-life of some so-called “nice” people that one feels that perhaps after all to call attention to these points would not be superfluous.</p> <p>One of these is the use of the toothpick. To wield this in company is barbarous; to produce it at table is disgusting. The idea of having a glass full of toothpicks upon the family board is as disagreeably suggestive, and more disgusting, than would be the presence of a bowl of water, flanked on one side by a cake of soap, on the other by a wash-cloth. Cleansing of all parts of the body should take place in the privacy of one’s own apartment or in the bath-room.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Tipping back the chair at table or in company is bad form. One small child was broken of this habit when she lost her balance while swaying backward<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</SPAN></span> from the table on the two hind-legs of her chair, and gave her head a furious bump on the floor. Sobbing, she was lifted to her feet, and met the stern gaze of her father.</p> <p>“I am very glad,” he said, “to see that you are badly enough hurt to be reminded never to tip your chair again. It is rude! If some grown persons I know had received a similar lesson in childhood, they might not offend the taste of others as they now do.”</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">TAKING SALT AND BUTTER</div> <p>Taking butter from one’s butter-plate with the tip of a fork that has been already in one’s mouth is another disagreeable trick. The like may be said of the same way of helping one’s self to salt. If a small butter-knife and salt-spoon are not provided, the tip of the knife may be used in their stead.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Bolting food and pushing back one’s chair without the preliminary and apologetic “Excuse me!” is the custom of some otherwise estimable householders. It would be better to eat less, if one’s time be limited, and eat slowly, as food thus taken in a rush is of small use in the internal economy. A few mouthfuls, well masticated, will possibly do more good, and certainly produce less discomfort, than three times as much swallowed in indigestible chunks. And after the short repast has been partaken<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</SPAN></span> of, let the master of the house set the example of common decency by uttering the conventional “Excuse me!”</p> <div class="sidenote">CARING FOR THE NAILS</div> <p>One hopes that it would be a difficult matter to find anybody so far oblivious of ordinary good manners as to clean his nails before others, but, let us blush to say it! one does meet many men who clean and pare their nails in the presence of family and intimate friends. Perhaps it is due to the fact that a woman does not carry a pocket-knife that she is seldom seen doing this. Her manicure instruments are kept upon her dressing-table, and it is in her own room that she performs this very necessary part of her toilet.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>The ugly habit that many children acquire of biting the nails can be overcome by requiring them to wear gloves until they master it.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">GOOD TASTE IN SPEECH</div> <p>Young people should be taught that the question of age, in general conversation, is tabooed, that too much manner is as bad as too little, and that a good manner is even more to be desired than good manners. They should be instructed to say “Thank you,” not “Thanks,” to avoid “photo,” “auto,” etc., saying instead “photograph,” “automobile,” or better, “motor-car,” or simply “car.” “Crowd,” as “our crowd,” is very bad for “circle,” “set” or<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</SPAN></span> “group of friends.” A girl should never say “hello,” and no one should use it at the telephone. “Good morning,” “yes,” “well” or the mention of one’s name are courteous methods of beginning a telephone conversation. “Waistcoat” is to be preferred to “vest.” Modern usage trains children to say “Yes, mother,” “Yes, Aunt Clara,” “No, Miss Smith,” instead of “Yes, ma’am,” “No, ma’am,” as of old. Only in the remoter districts of the South does the earlier fashion survive among grown people where it must be admitted to have a quaint charm. When a child sneezes, if he is well taught he will say quietly, “Excuse me.”</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A rudeness that a man will perpetrate in his own home, from which he would shrink in the home of another person, is that of wearing his hat in the presence of women. Every mother should train the small boy of the house to remove his hat as soon as he enters the front (or back) door. To do this will then become second nature, and it would not be probable that he could ever be guilty of the rudeness of standing in hall or parlor and talking to mother, sister or other feminine relative with his hat on his head. One mother at least positively refuses to hear what her little son has to say if he addresses her with his head covered. One may regret that with older men other women have not the like<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</SPAN></span> courage of their convictions. A man’s hat is so easily removed we wonder just why he should leave it on in the house, even if he is going out again in a moment. The man whose courtesy is not of the adjustable type will not do this, and these remarks are absolutely superfluous as far as he is concerned.</p> <p>Nor will it be necessary to remind him to pick up the handkerchief, thimble, scissors or book that the woman in his presence lets fall,—even if she be his wife. To assist the feminine portion of humanity comes natural to the thoroughbred.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">COURTESY IN GIRLS</div> <p>And just here I would say a word to the young person of the so-called weaker sex. It is to remind her that she, as well as her brother, owes the duty of respect to her elders. She is too prone to think that the boys of the family should rise for the older people, should remain standing until parents are seated, and should always be ready to run errands, or to deny themselves for their seniors. The duty to do all these things is incumbent on the girl or woman in the presence of those who are her elders or superiors. The girl or young matron who reclines in an easy chair, while her grandparent, mother, father, or woman-guest stands, is as guilty of rudeness as her brother would be were he to do the same.</p> <p>It is not on the men alone that the etiquette of<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</SPAN></span> the home depends. Indeed, it is the place of the mother to see that little lapses in good breeding are not overlooked. And she is the one who should, by her unselfishness, her gentle courtesy, and unfailing politeness in even the smallest items, show forth the spirit of true kindness, on which all good manners are founded.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE CULTIVATED VOICE</div> <p>We are all united in thinking that a well-trained voice ministers to the happiness of those about in a rare degree. Yet it is too infrequently remembered that the place to cultivate clear enunciation, low tones and amiable inflections is at home. Teachers in elocution and voice culture may do a large part in bringing out latent powers, but the foundation for the culture of the speaking voice should be laid at home. High shrill voices, choppy pronunciation, a nervous speaking manner will render unattractive matter of a high mental quality. Mothers should begin early and work late on this important matter of cultivating the voices of their children. Voice quality and enunciation, it should be realized, are more important than pronunciation. It is not a vital question whether a man pronounce the word “exquisite” with the accent on the first or the second syllable, but “childern” is a vulgarism, though one hears it often. Truly of one who uses it, it may be said, “his speech bewrayeth him.”</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</SPAN></span></p> <div class="sidenote">THE CARE OF BOOKS</div> <p>Respect for books is one of the lessons to be taught in a properly regulated house. And by this phrase, I do not mean respect for the contents. That goes without saying. I mean respect for the proper care of those best ministers to minds and souls. Children should be taught to handle books carefully, to cut the leaves properly, to open books without breaking the leaves apart at the back. They should be instructed not to soil or to mark them and to put them back in place when not in use.</p> <p>The person who lends books may keep a list of them, and it is not discourtesy if the volumes lent are not returned within a reasonable length of time to ask for them. Many people who are quick to borrow are careless about returning. The standard of ethics in regard to returning books is with many people as low as the general standard in regard to the return of umbrellas. A book-plate is a great aid to the possessor of a library in keeping it together. Moreover, a pretty book-plate seems to give a touch of individuality to one’s volumes. The next best thing to individual bindings and tooled leather is this slighter mark of identity in one’s library.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>One thing that makes for peace and etiquette in the home is the recognition of the rights of others. For this reason one member of the family should never inquire into another’s correspondence, into<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</SPAN></span> his engagements, social or otherwise, or ask questions even of his nearest and dearest. The fact that a man is one of a family, every member of which is dear to him, does not mean that he has no individuality, or that he must share the secrets of his friendships or business matters with any one. He should always feel in the home that any confidences he may care to give are most welcome, but that such confidences are never demanded or expected.</p> <div class="sidenote">RESPECT FOR PRIVACY</div> <p>In recognizing these rights of others, one must remember that each person’s own room is sacred to himself. It is inexcusably rude for one member of a family to enter the room of any other member without first knocking at the door and receiving permission to “come in.” Each human being should feel that he has one locality that belongs to him, where he can be alone unless he decrees otherwise. To further this end the wife should knock at her husband’s door before she enters his room, and the husband should show her the same consideration, while brothers and sisters should always give the warning tap, which is virtually a request for permission to enter, before opening the door that the occupant of the room has closed.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Americans are much criticized for their fondness for rocking chairs. Certainly there are many of us who should learn to use them less violently. The<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</SPAN></span> woman who rocks steadily back and forth while she is talking to her friends is lacking in the repose that is an essential element of charm. Equally bad habits are the snapping and unsnapping of a purse and twisting a handkerchief or a theater program into a roll. To hum below the breath when some one else is talking is extremely rude, and not less so when any two people are together.</p> <div class="sidenote">COURTESYING FOR LITTLE GIRLS</div> <p>For little girls, the courtesy of our grandmothers has been revived. It is certainly a charming mark of respect for them to show to older people.</p> <p>A courtesy that should never be omitted is the asking of permission to open and read letters received while one is in conversation with others.</p> <p>Children should be rigidly instructed not to ask for delicacies of food when they are visiting, otherwise they may become a nuisance.</p> <p>The habit children often acquire at school, of sticking their lead pencils into their mouths to moisten them, is unhygienic and ugly, and should be broken up.</p> <hr class="chap" /></div> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</SPAN></span></p> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />