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Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER XXIV IN PUBLIC</h2> THE subject of this chapter is so large that we almost despair of doing more than touch on a few of the many points it should cover. Perhaps it would be well to give first a few rules for that most public of places,—the street. <div class="sidenote">A MAN AND HIS HAT</div> The question as to the etiquette of raising the hat is one that demands attention,—and yet the rules are simple. A man always uncovers his head completely when he returns a woman’s bow. He does the same when he meets a man he knows walking with a woman, whether she be known to him or not. When a man is walking or driving with a woman and she bows to a man or woman she meets, her escort lifts his hat. On parting with a woman he bares his head. If he stand and talk with her, he should hold his hat in his hand unless she asks him to cover his head, or unless the day be cold,—in which case he says, “Will you pardon me if I put on my hat?” Then, when he leaves her, he again uncovers. [239] As a safe rule in whist is, “When in doubt, lead trumps,” so a safe rule for a man in public would be, “When in doubt, take off your hat.” Some men of fine feeling take off their hats when a funeral procession passes them in the street, indeed in Europe this is an established custom. In the South, in this country, old-fashioned gentlemen sometimes raise their hats to each other. Abroad, men who pass women on a stairway invariably lift their hats. In hotel elevators, gentlemen always take off their hats when ladies are present,—some men do it in all elevators under these circumstances. <hr class="tb" /> When a man meets a woman on the street, and wishes to talk with her for a moment, he should, if time allow, turn and walk a little way with her, rather than stop and thus hinder her. If he have a business engagement that makes this impossible, he should apologize for not doing so, in a few words, as—“Pardon me for not walking with you instead of stopping you, but my train leaves in fifteen minutes,” or, “I have an appointment in ten minutes.” On a cold day, when a man stands talking with a woman with his head uncovered, she should say, “Pray put on your hat! I am afraid you will catch cold.” He should accede to her request, saying “Thank you!” as he does so. [240] It is a woman’s place to bow first, when she meets a man. Unless they are old friends, the man does not lift his hat until he has received this sign of recognition from a woman. Men who were called on to shake hands with women formerly murmured an apology for the glove, but this is no longer customary. A man waits for a woman to make the first move to shake hands unless he knows her very well. When men meet each other on the street they may recognize each other as they please,—by a nod, a wave of the hand, or by touching the hat. For a man to touch his hat to a woman is an insult, unless he be a servant—as a coachman receiving an order from his mistress—when he acknowledges the order by touching the brim of his hat with his hand. Did more men appreciate that they were giving the “coachman’s salute” to a woman, mortification, if not courtesy, might prevent a repetition of the offense. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">ON THE STREET-CAR</div> When a man is a woman’s escort and they board a street-car, she should, without comment, allow him to pay her fare. When they get on the same car by chance, she should make the move to pay her fare, but if the man hands the money to the conductor before she does so, she should simply bow[241] and say “Thank you!” To dispute about who shall pay car-fare is bad form. Meaningless introductions in street-cars or other public places are to be avoided. It is not desirable to bring two people together in such a place unless some real purpose is served. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">LOUNGING IN PUBLIC</div> Women should be careful as to the way in which they sit. The woman who spreads her knees looks as awkward as the man who keeps his tightly together. Recently it became a fad in certain places for women to lounge in the street-car and to cross one knee upon the other. Needless to say, really well-bred women did not follow the fad. Even men who have been strictly trained will not cross the knees when calling on ladies. <hr class="tb" /> When all seats are taken in a car and a woman enters, a gentleman will rise and give her his seat, lifting his hat as he does so, which courtesy she should always acknowledge by saying “Thank you!” cordially and audibly. Women are much criticized for taking seats in cars without an acknowledgment of the courtesy, and, undoubtedly, they often do. On the other hand, men as frequently, by turning their backs, make acknowledgment impossible. If the car be full and a woman enters carrying a baby in her arms, any girl or young matron present[242] should resign her seat to the burdened passenger, unless some masculine passenger has manliness enough to do so. To the credit of human nature, be it said that we have never seen a mother with a child in her arms stand for two minutes, no matter how crowded the car might be. Of course a young woman should resign her seat to an elderly woman, as she will do the same for a very old or infirm man. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">WHEN WALKING TOGETHER</div> The custom of a man and a woman walking arm in arm at night is rapidly falling into disuse. For couples to walk in this way in the daylight has not been customary for years, unless the woman be so aged or invalided as to need the support of her escort’s arm. Now, even after dark, there is hardly any need of a man’s arm for a woman’s guidance in the brilliantly lighted streets. If the couple be walking through a poorly illuminated street, or on a country road, or climbing a steep hill, the man offers the woman his arm. He should also do this at night when he holds an umbrella over her head. Even in the daylight, when they cross a crowded thoroughfare together, he should lightly support her elbow with his hand to pilot her over. He should never, unless they be members of the same family, take her arm in order to guide her. In public a man must never attract a woman’s[243] attention by clutching her arm, or—odious action!—by patting her on the shoulder or back, or nudging her. If there is such a noise about them that the mere speaking her name in a low voice will not reach her ears, he may respectfully touch her on the arm saying at the same time, “Excuse me, please!” Personal liberties are always in poor taste, but never more vulgar than in a place where they are noted by all observers. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">AFTER THE THEATER</div> If a man escort a woman home, she may utter a brief “Thank you!” to him on parting with him. Profuse expressions of gratitude on such an occasion are bad form. On parting from him, after he has taken her to the theater, opera or any other entertainment, she may, when she bids him good night, say cordially, “I am indebted to you for a very pleasant evening,” and, if she wish, she may add, “We shall be glad to have you call at any time.” A man must never linger at a woman’s door to utter his good-bys, or to speak a few final sentences. Door-step chats may do for nurse-maids and their attendants. They are out of place in higher circles. A man rings the bell for the woman he is accompanying, sees that she is safely admitted, and, if it be too late for him to enter the house for a few minutes, removes his hat, says good night and takes his leave. [244] <div class="sidenote">KISSING IN PUBLIC</div> So much fun has been made of the custom that some women have of kissing each other in public places on meeting and parting, it is surprising that even gushing girls still adhere to the ridiculous fashion. When people embrace, let it be in the sanctity of the home, or where there are no amused observers. If a kiss has no meaning, then let Fashion do away with it; if it means tender affection, it is too sacred a token to be exchanged where dozens of people may look on and comment on it. It is hardly too sweeping an assertion to make when one says that among mere acquaintances, kisses are best omitted altogether. Do let us have some method of salutation for those we really love that is not given as frequently and freely to every chance acquaintance or casual friend! One woman declares that beyond her relatives there is no grown person she willingly kisses, except two women whom she has known for years, and she respects them too much to embrace them in the presence of an unsympathetic world. A warm hand-clasp will suffice until the people who love each other can be alone. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, as to many others. When a man puts his family upon the train or boat which is to carry them from him, he will uncover his head, and kiss each one of the beloved group. Other such exceptions will suggest themselves. Common sense and good taste[245] should keep one from making a mistake in these matters. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">GOOD FORM IN NAMES</div> It is in wretched form for a man to speak of a woman by her first name when talking to casual acquaintances. It is as bad form, or nearly as bad, for a woman to speak of a man by his last name, as “Brown” or “Smith.” It takes very little longer to say “Miss Mary” or “Mr. Brown,” and the impression produced is worth the extra exertion. Nor, unless they be members of the same family, does a man address a girl by her first name in a crowd of outsiders. In her home she may be “Mary” to him. In public, let him address her as “Miss Smith.” <hr class="tb" /> One of the most annoying habits indulged in in public is that of being late at the theater. It is trying to have to lose whole lines of a play while one rises, gathering up bonnets and wraps to do so, to allow the belated person to pass who sits beyond one. It is a pity that theater-goers do not take more pains to show one another the kindness of being in their places before the curtain rises. In entering a theater, the man stands aside to allow the woman to go into the door ahead of him, then steps forward to show his tickets to the usher, at the same time taking two programs from the[246] table, or from the boy holding them. The coupons are handed back to the man, and kept by him, in case any mistake should arise in regard to the seats. Then the woman follows the usher down the aisle, followed by her escort. In some western cities the man goes first down the aisle, standing aside to allow the woman to take the inner seat. It is well for both men and women to remove their coats and wraps, either in the vestibule of the theater or before going into their seats. After sitting down, the woman takes off her hat and holds it in her lap throughout the performance. <div class="sidenote">DISPOSING OF ONE’S WRAPS</div> A better custom in theaters large and modern enough to have ample dressing-rooms is for the woman to remove all her wraps there. The house looks much prettier than when each woman is piled with her belongings, the woman is more comfortable, and she has had besides the opportunity of a glance in the mirror at her hair. If she is at all sensitive to drafts she may prefer to take a light scarf with her as when the curtain rises there is often a very cold air, especially on those sitting close to the stage. In most cities in this country women do not wear full dress unless they are to sit in a box. At all evening entertainments a woman’s head is uncovered. A woman who retains her hat even[247] when sitting in a box inevitably suggests that she wishes to be conspicuous. If a woman is invited to be one of a box-party she need not bother to go to the dressing-room, as in most cases each box has hooks on which cloaks may be hung and a mirror convenient for the single glance that is desired. The same rules hold good with regard to a musicale or a concert. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">TALKING AT A CONCERT</div> I wish there were any chance that anything anybody might say could impress on women that their habit of talking or, worse still, whispering, during a musical performance is abominably rude! Let those who have suffered by this almost universal practise testify to the misery it causes. To have one’s favorite passage from a beloved composer marred by “Now this is where he dies, you know,” or “Just hear the thunder in that orchestra, and now just listen to the chirping of the dear little birds!” or,—“I don’t think I can lunch with you to-morrow, dear, but perhaps the next day,” “Do you think those long coats are becoming to short women?”—who that has undergone the agony of being in the vicinity of such a talker can fail to utter a fervent “Amen” to the frenzied petition that they be suppressed. [248] The person who has seen the play before and who obligingly keeps his neighbors informed of what is coming next is an equal offender. <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">WHEN AMERICA IS PLAYED</div> At public meetings when the national hymn is played, it is proper for every one to stand and to remain standing until it is ended. <hr class="chap" /></div> [249] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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