Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER XXXVI<br/> <small>COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG TO THE OLD</small></h2> <p class="drop-cap">THE pessimist, reading the heading of this chapter, would be inclined to ask if one writes nowadays of a lost quantity. While we do not consider the grace of courtesy as entirely lost, we are at times tempted to think that it has “gone before,” and so far before that it is lost sight of by the rising generation.</p> <p>The days have passed when the hoary head was a crown of glory, as the royal preacher declares. It is certain that if it is a crown, it is one before which the youth of the twentieth century do not always bow.</p> <p>Before we condemn the young unsparingly for their lack of reverence, we must look at the other side of the question. To-day there are few old people. First, there is youth. That lasts almost until one is a grandparent; then one is middle-aged. No one is old,—at least few will acknowledge it. The woman of forty-five is on “the shady side of thirty,” she of sixty-five, is “on the down slope<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[356]</SPAN></span> from fifty.” And, even when the age is announced, one is reminded that “a woman is only as old as she feels.” There is sound common sense in all this. Can not we afford to snap our fingers at Father Time and his laws, when the law within ourselves tells us that we are young in heart, in feeling, in aims? So the principle that bids us shut our eyes at the figure on the mile-stone we are passing is a good one. As long as we feel fresh still for the journey, as long as every step is a pleasure, what difference if the walk has been five miles long or fifteen? We judge of the strain by the effect it has had on us. If we feel unwearied and ready for miles and miles ahead of us, who shall say that the walk has been ten miles long, when we are conscious in our energetic limbs that it has only been two delightful miles?</p> <div class="sidenote">NO ONE IS OLD NOW</div> <p>The fact that no one is now old has its effect on the Young Person in our midst. She hesitates to say to the matron, “Take this seat, please!” when she knows that in her soul the matron will resent the insinuation that she is on the downward grade. Not long ago I witnessed the chagrin of a woman of thirty-five who rose and gave her seat in a stage to a woman who was, if one may judge by the false standard of appearances, at least fifteen years her senior. The elderly woman flushed indignantly:</p> <p>“Pray keep your seat, madam!” she commanded<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[357]</SPAN></span> in stentorian tones. “I may be gray-headed, but I am <i>not</i> old or decrepit!”</p> <p>I fancy that one reason gray hair is becoming fashionable is this desire to cling to youth. Every year more young women tell us that they are prematurely gray, and their sister-women add eagerly, “So many women are, nowadays!”</p> <div class="sidenote">THE IMPORTANCE OF TACT</div> <p>Our Young Person must, then, be very careful how she displays the feeling of reverence for age which, we would like to believe, is inherent in every well-regulated nature. She must exercise tact, without which no person will have popularity.</p> <div class="sidenote">APPRECIATING ONE’S ELDERS</div> <p>One point in which Young America displays lamentable vulgarity is in the habit of interrupting older people. Interruptions, we of a former generation were taught, are rude. That is a forgotten fact in many so-called polite circles. And when people do not interrupt they seem to be waiting for the person speaking to finish what he has to say in order to “cut in” (no other expression describes it fitly) with some new and original remark. That is, apparently, the only reason that one listens to others,—just for the sake of having some one to answer. The world is full of things, and getting fuller every day, and unless one talks most of the time he will never be able to air his opinions on all points. And every one’s opinion is of priceless value,—at least to himself. This seems to be the<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[358]</SPAN></span> attitude of Young America. Yet in courtesy to the hoary head one should occasionally pause long enough to allow the owner thereof to express an opinion. Although one has passed fifty, one may, nevertheless, have sound judgment and ideas on some subjects that are worth consideration. I wish young men and women would occasionally remember this.</p> <p>The woman of sixty, or over, can really learn little of value from her granddaughter,—even when that granddaughter is a college graduate, and has all the arrogance of twenty years. Of course, grandmother may need enlightenment on college athletics, on golf, even, perhaps, on bridge,—although that is very doubtful, if she lives in a fashionable neighborhood. But, after all, these are not the greatest things of life. She would, perchance, be glad to listen to her young relative’s accounts of her sports if she would take the trouble to tell the happenings that interest her in a loving respectful spirit. Our elderly woman does not like to be patronized, to be told that she dresses like an old fashion-plate, and that she is, to use the slang of the day, a “back number.” The grandmother knows better. She has lived and she is sure that from her store of knowledge of life—of men, women and things as they really are—she could bring forth treasures, new and old, that would be of great help<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[359]</SPAN></span> to the hot-headed, impulsive young girl about to risk all on the perilous journey that lies before her.</p> <p>I would, therefore, suggest that Our Girl practise deference toward her elders. At first she may not find it easy, but it is worth cultivating. It is, moreover, much more becoming than arrogance and aggressiveness, too common nowadays. There is something wrong when a person feels no respect for one who has attained to double or treble her years. There is something lacking. The collegians of both sexes would do well to turn their analytical minds on themselves, and, as improvement is the order of the day, add to their fund of becoming attainments the sweet old-fashioned attribute of courtesy and reverence toward age.</p> <div class="sidenote">SMALL COURTESIES</div> <p>It is easy, after all, if one will watch carefully, to do the little kind thing that makes for comfort, and not do it aggressively. It is not necessary to adjust a pillow at the elderly person’s back as if she needed it. I saw a sweet woman put a pillow behind an invalid with such tact that the sufferer, who was acutely sensitive on the subject of her condition, did not suspect that her hostess had her illness in mind.</p> <p>“My dear,” said this tactful woman, “if you are ‘built’ as I am, you must find that chair desperately uncomfortable without a cushion behind you! <i>I</i> simply <i>will not</i> sit in it without this little bit of a<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[360]</SPAN></span> pillow wedged in at the small of my back. I find it so much more comfortable <i>so</i>, that I am sure you will.”</p> <p>And the cushion was adjusted. Could even supersensitive and suspicious Old Age have resented such attention?</p> <p>Of course elderly people like to talk. Why should they not be allowed to do it? The boy or girl listener is impatient of what he or she terms inwardly “garrulousness.” Is not the prattle of youth as trying to old people? But, to do them justice, unless they are very crabbed, they listen to it kindly.</p> <p>Unfortunately, one seldom sees a young person rise and remain standing when an old person enters the room. Yet to loll back in a chair under such circumstances is one of the greatest rudenesses of which a girl or boy is capable.</p> <div class="sidenote">THE OLD MAN</div> <div class="sidenote">GENEROSITY TO AGE</div> <p>Right here, may I put in a plea for the old man? In the first place, he is not so popular as the old woman. <i>She</i> is often beloved; he, poor soul! is too often endured. In very truth he is not so lovable as his lady-wife. He did not take the time while he was young to cultivate the little niceties of life as she did. Women have more regard for appearances than men have, and their life is not spent so often in counting-room and office; they are, in their daily life, surrounded by refined persons more<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[361]</SPAN></span> than are their husbands; they do not have to talk by the hour with rough men, give orders to surly underlings, eat at lunch counters, and join in the morning and evening rush-for-life to get a seat in the crowded car or train where the law is “<i>Sauve qui peut!</i>” or, in brutal English “Every man for himself”—no matter who—“for the hindmost!” All these things, after years and years, influence the man or woman. It is inevitable. It even affects the inner life. The Book of books tells us that though the outward man perish, the inward man is renewed day by day. Sometimes the inward man is hardly worth renewing at the end of a life of such rush and mad haste after the elusive dollar that there has been no place for the gentle amenities of existence. Therefore, as the man gets old, his nature comes to the front, and, too often, the courtesies that were pinned on him by a loving wife, and kept polished up by her, drop off and he does not want to bother to have them readjusted. Consequently, he often has habits that are not pretty. He is irascible; he is intolerant with youth, and, now that he is laid aside, he likes to tell of what he did when he was as active as the young men about him. Dear young people, let him talk! Listen to him, and remember that at your age he was just as agreeable as you. Consider, too, that if, when you are old, you would escape being the self-absorbed being you think him,<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[362]</SPAN></span> you would do well now to begin to avoid the selfishness and self-absorption that you find make the old man objectionable. Practise on him, and he will in his old age still be doing a good work.</p> <div class="sidenote">A WORD TO THE WISE</div> <p>It is not pleasant to feel old, to know that you are set aside in the minds of others as “a has-been.” There are few more cruel lessons given to human beings to learn in this hard school we call life. And this task has to be learned when strength and courage wane, and the grasshopper is a burden. If young people would only make it unnecessary for the older person to acquire it! It lies with youth to make the declining years of those near the end of the journey a weary waiting for that end, or a peaceful loitering on a road that shall be a foretaste of a Land in which no one ever grows old.</p> <hr class="chap" /></div> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[363]</SPAN></span></p> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />