Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER XLII<br/> <small>A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE BIG THINGS</small></h2> <p class="drop-cap">SEEING the prevalence of rudeness in human intercourse, one is forced to believe that the natural man is a cross-grained brute. That breeding and culture often convert him into a creature of gentleness and refinement speaks volumes for the powers of such influence. The average man seems to take a savage delight in occasionally giving vent to brutal or cutting speech. To yield thus to a primal and savage instinct is to prove that breeding and refinement are lacking.</p> <p>There are certain business men who, during business hours, meet one with a brusk manner that would not be pardoned in a petty tradesman. If we visit them on their own business,—not as intruders,—it is the same. They seem to feel that a certain disagreeable humor is an indispensable accompaniment to the occasion. Such insolence is usually taken as a matter of course by the recipient, who immediately feels penitent at the thought of his intrusion.</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_400" id="Page_400">[400]</SPAN></span></p> <p>Too often the physician who is not a gentleman at heart trades on the fact that his patients regard him as a necessity, and is as disagreeable as his temper at the moment demands that he shall be. He intimates that he is so busy that he has scarcely time to give his advice; that the person he attends had no business to get ill, and, in fact, makes himself generally so disagreeable it is to be wondered at that the sufferer ever calls in this man again. Yet in a drawing-room, and talking to a well person, this man’s manner would be charming. One sometimes feels that sick people and physicians might well be classed as “patients” and “impatients.”</p> <p>It is but fair to remark that, to the credit of physicians, it is not always those who have had the largest experience, or who stand at the head of their profession who deserve to come under the above condemnation. The men to whom the world looks for advice in the matters of which they have made a study, and who are sure of their standing, are often the gentlest, the most courteous.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">COUNTING-ROOM COURTESY</div> <p>Our busy men have need to remember that the man who is gentle at heart shows that gentleness in counting-room and office as well as in drawing-room and dining-room, and the fact that the person calling on him for business purposes or advice is a<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_401" id="Page_401">[401]</SPAN></span> woman, should compel him to show the politeness which</p> <div class="poetry-container"> <div class="poetry"> <div class="verse"><span style="margin-left: 3em;">—“is to do and say</span></div> <div class="verse">The kindest thing in the kindest way.”</div> </div></div> <p>On the other hand, common courtesy and consideration for another demand that the person who intrudes on a man when he is busy should state his business briefly, and then take his departure. Only the busy man or woman knows the agony that comes with the knowledge that the precious moments of the working hours are being frittered away on that which is unnecessary, when necessary work is standing by, begging for the attention it deserves and should receive. Let him who would be careful on points of etiquette remember that there is an etiquette of working hours as well as of the hours of leisure and sociability.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">ASKING QUESTIONS</div> <p>Perhaps the lapse from good breeding most common in general society is the asking of questions. One is aghast at the evidence of impertinent curiosity that parades under the guise of friendly interest. Interrogations as to the amount of one’s income, occupation, and even as to one’s age and general condition, are legion and inexcusable. Every one who writes—be he a well-known author or a penny-a-liner—knows only too well the query,<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_402" id="Page_402">[402]</SPAN></span> “What are you writing now?” and knows, too, the feeling of impotent rage awakened by this query. Yet, unless one would be as rude as one’s questioner, one must smile inanely and make an evasive answer.</p> <p>To ask no question does not, of necessity, mean a lack of interest in the person with whom one is conversing. A polite and sympathetic attention will show a more genuine and appreciative interest than much inquisitiveness.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A lack of interest in what is being told one is a breach of courtesy that is all too common. Often one sees a man or woman deliberately pick up a book or paper, open it and glance over it while his interlocutor is in the midst of a story he means to make interesting. If the conversation <i>is</i> interesting, it deserves the undivided attention of both persons; if what is being said is not worth attention, the listener should at least respect the speaker’s intention to please. There is nothing more dampening to conversational enthusiasm, or more “squelching” to eloquence, than to find the eyes of the person with whom one is talking fixed on a book or magazine, which he declares he is simply “looking over,” or at whose pictures he is “only glancing.”</p> <div class="sidenote">THE GOOD LISTENER</div> <p>A good listener is in himself an inspiration. Even if one is not attracted by the person to whom one is<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_403" id="Page_403">[403]</SPAN></span> talking, one should assume interest. This rule also holds good with regard to the attention given to a public speaker. In listening to a preacher or to a lecturer, one should look at him steadily,—not allowing the eyes to wander about the building and along the ceiling and walls. This habit of a seemingly fixed attention is easily cultivated. If one is really interested in the address, it aids in the enjoyment and comprehension of it to watch the speaker’s facial play and gestures. If one is bored, one may yet fix the eyes upon the face of the person to whom one is supposed to be listening, and continue to think one’s own thoughts and to plan one’s own plans. And certainly the person who is exerting himself for the entertainment of his audience will speak better and be more comfortable for the knowledge that eyes belonging to some one who is apparently absorbed in his address are fixed upon him.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">TACTFUL CRITICISM</div> <p>One of the difficult things to do is to pass a criticism or make a suggestion as to the speech or manner of another person. Yet there are times when to refrain is to do the greatest unkindness to a person sincerely eager to learn. A happy solution is to include one’s self if possible in the censure given. “I’m afraid we were all a little boisterous to-night,” said a tactful woman of the world to a young girl<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_404" id="Page_404">[404]</SPAN></span> who really <i>had</i> been boisterous. She caught the criticism intended and yet felt no hurt at the speaker.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">TALKING AT THE TELEPHONE</div> <p>Conditions under which otherwise polite persons feel that they can be rude are those attendant on a telephone conversation. With the first word many a man drops his courtesy as if it were a garment that did not fit him. And women do the same. If “Central” were to record all that she (it seems to be usually a “she”) hears, and all that is said to her, our ears would tingle. True it is, that she sometimes is surly, pert and ill-mannered. But if she is ill-bred, that is no reason for the person talking to follow suit. Were one really amenable to arrest for profanity over the wires, the police would be kept busy if they performed their duty.</p> <p>But putting aside the underbred who swears, let us listen for a moment to the so-called courteous person,—for he is courteous under ordinary circumstances:</p> <div class="sidenote">SCOLDING CENTRAL</div> <p>“Hello! Central! how long are you going to keep me waiting? I told you I wanted ‘3040 Spring.’ Yes! I did say <i>that!</i> and if you would pay attention to your business you would know it! I never saw such a worthless set as they have at that Central Office. Got them, did you? It’s time! Hello, 3040, is that you? Well, why the<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_405" id="Page_405">[405]</SPAN></span> devil didn’t you send that stuff around this morning? Going to, right away, are you? Well, it’s time you did. What ails you people, anyway? <i>No!! Central!!!</i> I’m not through, and I wish to heaven you’d let this line alone when I’m talking,” and so on, ad infinitum.</p> <p>Is all this worth while, and is it necessary? And must women, who, as they call themselves ladies, do not give vent to expressed profanity, so far copy the manners of the so-called stronger sex that they scream like shrews over the telephone?</p> <p>Calling one day on a woman whom I had met with pleasure half a dozen times, I was the unwilling listener to her conversation with her grocer. She began by rating Central for not asking “What number?” as soon as the receiver was lifted from the hook. Having warmed up to business on this unseen girl, she got still more heated with the grocer at the other end of the wire. She had ordered one kind of apples, and he had sent her another, and the slip of paper containing the list of her purchases had an item of a five-cent box of matches that she had not ordered. With regard to all of which she expostulated shrilly and with numerous exclamations that were as near as she dared come to masculine explosives,—such as “Great Heavens!” “Goodness gracious!” and so forth. After threatening to transfer her custom<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_406" id="Page_406">[406]</SPAN></span> to another grocer, and refusing to accept the apology of the abject tradesman, she compromised by saying that she would give him another trial, and hung up the receiver, coming into the parlor and beginning a conversation once more in the even society voice I had invariably heard before from her.</p> <div class="sidenote">COURTESY PAYS</div> <p>That the ways of telephones and the persons who operate them are sometimes trying, no one can deny,—least of all, the writer of this chapter, who lives in a house with one of these maddening essentials to human comfort. But the loss of temper that manifests itself in the outward speech is not a requisite of the proper appreciation and use of the telephone. It is nothing less than a habit, and a pernicious one,—this way we have of talking into the transmitter. Let us remember that courtesy pays better than curses, and politeness better than profanity. If not, then let us have poorer service from Central and preserve our self-respect.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Never speak of calling a friend on the “phone.” The abbreviation is vulgar though one sometimes hears it on the lips of delightful people. But one should not make the mistake of justifying a solecism by saying “Mrs. So-and-so says it!” To study the graces and avoid the blunders of other people<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_407" id="Page_407">[407]</SPAN></span> should be the aim of those who aspire to be well-bred.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">IN MARKET AND SHOP</div> <p>The breeding of a woman is often shown by the manner she uses when shopping or marketing. Courtesy to clerks, to tradesmen of every sort is the mark of a “lady,” the word used in that beautiful old-fashioned sense to which, alas! we have grown a little callous. While a customer has the right measurably to see what a shop affords before she makes her choice, she has no right to give a clerk the trouble of taking out everything when she has no intention of buying. If she gives much trouble before her decision as to a purchase is reached she should thank the clerk in charge for his extra labor. The fact that he is paid for his time does not make this duty the less.</p> <p>Altercations with clerks and other subordinates in a shop are in execrable taste, are often a sign of an hysterical as well as a choleric temper.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>If women should be considerate in their manner toward employees of the shops where they trade, it is quite as true that clerks should be trained to civility by their employers. For instance, a part of the duty of clerks is, of course, to keep watch over the articles sold. To do this it is not necessary,<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_408" id="Page_408">[408]</SPAN></span> however, to watch the customer as if she were a prospective thief. This attitude on the part of the clerk is not pleasant for the customer and does not encourage trade.</p> <div class="sidenote">UNWISE ENDEARMENTS</div> <p>The suspicious attitude is, however, no worse than the familiar one employed by some of the young women serving in shops. A clerk who urges a customer to buy because the article in question has proved so satisfactory in her own family, or the young woman who calls one “dearie” or “honey” as she fits a cloak upon one or manipulates one’s millinery, makes a mistake. The relation between clerk and customer should be always formal and courteous on both sides.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Marketing is a branch of shopping in which many women not fundamentally ill-natured, have the appearance of being so. There is a kind of ugly scrutiny which many women apply to the inspection of vegetables, meat and other edibles that is most unattractive. If these women had an idea of the way they look when they bend their hard cold eyes upon the innocent vegetables and fruits, they would, at any cost, cultivate a more agreeable manner. Beware of the marketing stare. As for a string bag, if you have one put it in the furnace.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A rudeness of which people who should know<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_409" id="Page_409">[409]</SPAN></span> better are frequently guilty is that of criticizing a dear friend of the person to whom one is talking. This is not only ill-mannered, but unkind, and one of many flagrant violations of the Golden Rule. If a man loves his friend, do not call his attention to that friend’s failings, nor twit him on his fondness for such a person. He is happier for not seeing the failings, and if the friendship brings him any happiness, or makes life even a little pleasanter for him, do not be guilty of the cruelty of clouding that happiness. If the man does see the faults of him he loves, and loyally ignores them, pretend that you are not aware of the foibles toward which he would have you believe him blind. The knowledge of the peccadillos of those in whom we trust comes only too soon; we need not hurry on the always disappointing, often bitter knowledge.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">NEVER PATRONIZE</div> <p>Perhaps lack of breeding shows in nothing more than in the manner of receiving an invitation. Should a man say, patronizingly, “Oh, perhaps I can arrange to come,”—when you invite him to some function, write him down as unworthy of another invitation. He is lacking in respect to you and in appreciation of the honor you confer on him in asking him to partake of the hospitality you have devised.</p> <p>“Really,” protests one man plaintively, “I am<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_410" id="Page_410">[410]</SPAN></span> very tired! I have been out every night for two weeks, and now you want me for to-morrow night. I am doubtful whether I ought to come. I am so weary that I feel I need rest.”</p> <p>The stately woman who had asked him to her house, smiled amusedly:</p> <p>“Pray let me settle your doubts for you,” she said, “and urge you not to neglect the rest nature demands. Your first duty is to her, not to me.”</p> <p>The man was too obtuse or too conceited to perceive the veiled sarcasm, and to know that the invitation was withdrawn.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">ACKNOWLEDGING FAVORS</div> <p>Unless one receives special permission from the person giving an invitation to hold the matter open for some good and sufficient reason, one should accept or decline a verbal invitation as soon as it is given. If circumstances make this impossible, one should apologize for hesitating, saying, “I am so anxious to come that I am going to ask your permission to send you my answer later, after I ascertain if my husband has no engagement for that evening,”—or some such form. The hostess will readily grant such a request.</p> <p>It may seem far-fetched to speak of ingratitude as a breach of etiquette, but the lack of acknowledgment of favors is very much like it. The man who accepts all done for him as his due, who forgets<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_411" id="Page_411">[411]</SPAN></span> the “thank you” in return for the trifling favors, is not a gentleman—in that respect, at least. The young men and young women of to-day are too often spoiled or heedless, taking pretty attentions offered them as matters of course, and as their right.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>In this miscellaneous chapter it may be well to enforce what is said elsewhere with regard to the respect every man should show to women. For instance, every man who really respects the women of his family will remove his hat when he enters the house. There are, however, men who kiss these same women with covered heads.</p> <p>In a well-known play acted by a traveling company some years ago in a small town, the hero, standing in a garden, told the heroine he loved her, was accepted by her, and bent to kiss her without removing the conventional derby from his blond pate. All sentiment was destroyed for the spectators when irate Hibernian accents sounded forth from the gallery with: “Suppose ye take off yer hat, ye ill-mannered blokey!”</p> <p>The Irishman was in the right.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">A WORD TO THE SHY</div> <p>I would say a word to those who, through bashfulness or self-consciousness, do the things they ought not to do and leave undone those things which<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_412" id="Page_412">[412]</SPAN></span> they ought to do. They are so uncomfortable in society, so afraid of not appearing as they should, and so much absorbed in wondering how they look and act, and wishing that they did better, that they are guilty of the very acts of omission and commission they would guard against.</p> <p>If I could give one rule to the bashful it would be: Forget yourself and your affairs in interest in others and their affairs. Be so fully occupied noticing how well others appear and trying to make everybody about you comfortable, that you have no time to think of your behavior. You will then not be guilty of any flagrant breach of etiquette. The most courteous women I have ever known, those whose manners were a charm to all whom they met, were those who were self-forgetful and always watching for opportunities to make other people comfortable. Such are the queens of society.</p> <div class="sidenote">UNDUE SELF-CRITICISM</div> <p>If you do make a mistake take consolation from the fact—which will be apparent to you in time—that others do the same. Perfect good breeding is a state to which few attain absolutely. One should not make one’s self thoroughly unhappy by too constant self-criticism, for to do this is to disobey—paradoxically—a fundamental social law. The old negro who, when asked to describe what he meant by “quality folks,” expressed this law when<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_413" id="Page_413">[413]</SPAN></span> he answered, “Quality never doubts theirselves.” The beginner <i>must</i> doubt, but he should not agonize about it.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">TALKING SHOP</div> <p>“Talking shop” is usually alluded to as a decided breach of etiquette. In many cases it is so, yet there are people who are never so entertaining as when doing this very thing, and there are companies in which it is entirely proper they should do it. One must use discretion. Certainly, no one should be forced to talk of his daily work if he evidently prefers not to do so. Physicians in particular should not be compelled to play the professional when they are trying to relax socially.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A party is not the place for propaganda. The hostess who may be an ardent advocate of votes for women should be sure that all her guests share her views before she dogmatically propounds them. She may indeed politely introduce the topic and if she merely does this, no one present has a right to take offense or should hesitate in the same spirit to speak of her own view. But the subject is likely to prove dangerous. The writer has seen charming women utterly lose control of themselves and all but maul one another over a “discussion” on equal suffrage.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A social mistake to be avoided is that of being<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_414" id="Page_414">[414]</SPAN></span> “touchy.” To be so occasions one great unhappiness and leads to serious mistakes in conduct. Do not allow yourself to find slights and affronts in the demeanor of those with whom you are thrown unless there is real foundation for the feeling. The mental attitude of fancying that others intend to wound us grows if it is indulged in and finally leaves us hopelessly out of key.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">CORDIAL GREETINGS</div> <p>One of the most valuable of social acquisitions is the habit of greeting people in a delightful way. Learn to say “Good morning!” audibly, heartily, as if you meant it. Unless one means to be very informal one should add the name, “Good morning, Miss Smith.” We all know men and women who possess this grace of salutation which lingers happily on those on whom it is bestowed.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>In meeting people for the first time one should take pains to get their names exactly right. There is something very personal in one’s feeling about one’s name and one has a right to have it spoken and written as one elects. If a man is named “Davies” he can not be blamed for resenting it if people indifferently address him as “Mr. Davis.” If people who make introductions would take more trouble to speak the name distinctly, this would help greatly. If the name is indistinctly uttered<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_415" id="Page_415">[415]</SPAN></span> you may say, “Pardon me, I did not understand the name?” which will generally bring forth a clear repetition.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Small matters, such as quiet breathing, betoken gentlehood. Flowers, if one is inhaling their perfume, should be treated delicately,—the face should not be buried in them. Remember Browning’s word,</p> <div class="poetry-container"> <div class="poetry"> <div class="verse"><span style="margin-left: 6em;">“Any nose</span></div> <div class="verse">May ravage with impunity a rose.”</div> </div></div> <p>It is frequently said that the weather, as a topic of conversation, is tabooed. But how charmingly Chesterton has defended it: “There are very deep reasons for talking about the weather ... it is a gesture of primeval worship ... to begin with the weather is a pagan way of beginning with prayer. Then it is an expression of that elementary idea in politeness—equality ... in that we all have our hats under the dark blue spangled umbrella of the universe.” Surely after reading so fine a plea, no one need fear to begin the morning’s conversation with a word on the weather!</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">GETTING OFF A STREET-CAR</div> <p>One of the things that most women need to learn is the correct way of getting off a street-car, which is to step off with the right foot, facing<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_416" id="Page_416">[416]</SPAN></span> front, which saves awkwardness in every case and sometimes, if the car starts too soon, an accident.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>Nothing more absolutely marks a lady than her manner toward her social inferior. She is kindly but never patronizing. A woman who was once being fitted for new shoes and who had inquired of the clerk who waited on her how his family were—the man had been at his post for many years and she called him by name—turned to a woman acquaintance who was waiting her turn and said, explanatorily, “I always speak to the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.” If this was her custom, why apologize for it?</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">AT THE HOTEL TABLE</div> <p>When strangers are served at the same table in a hotel, they should bow and say “Good morning” or “Good evening,” on sitting down and on leaving. This polite custom, often ignored in America, is universal abroad.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>If one wishes to ask a social favor such as a card for a friend to a ball to which you yourself have been asked, or a letter of introduction, it is better to make the request by note if possible, as this gives the other person more freedom to refuse if that seems necessary.</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_417" id="Page_417">[417]</SPAN></span></p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>When one alludes to an entire family by name, respect requires that the article “the” be prefixed. One’s friends are “the Smiths,” “the Browns,” etc.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">OVERWHELMING COMPLIMENTS</div> <p>Profuse compliment is as much to be avoided as undue or untactful criticism. We are annoyed by those who persistently overwhelm us with admiring comment. On the other hand, one should not hesitate to speak a sincere word that will give pleasure; one may without apology tell a friend that her new hat is unusually becoming or her dress artistic. There are people who pride themselves on “never saying anything disagreeable” and they succeed in being so very often and quite unconsciously because they lack savor. Arthur Benson, the English essayist, has amusingly pointed out how dull society would be if we turned it into a chorus of indiscriminate praise of how delightful A is, what a charming person is B, how altogether lovely is C. Perhaps the wisest rule is to draw a sharp line between those who are entitled in a strict sense to the all-devoted attitude of affection and those whom we merely like and find entertaining. Even the most patent faults and shortcomings of the former must be sacred—“A friend conceals the weaknesses of a friend.” Of the second class one may speak frankly though of course always in taste and without malice.</p> <hr class="chap" /></div> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_418" id="Page_418">[418]</SPAN></span></p> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />