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Phormio; or, The Scheming Parasite

<h4 class="act"> ACT THE FIFTH.</h4> <h5 class="scene"> Scene I.</h5> Enter Demipho and Chremes, from Demipho’s house. Dem. I do give and return hearty thanks to the Gods, and with reason, brother, inasmuch as these matters have turned out for us so fortunately. We must now meet with Phormio as soon as possible, before he squanders our thirty minæ, so that we may get them from him. Enter Phormio, coming forward, and speaking aloud, as though not seeing them. Phor. I’ll go see if Demipho’s at home; that as to what— Dem. (accosting him.) Why, Phormio, we were coming to you. Phor. Perhaps about the very same affair. (Demipho nods assent.) I’ faith, I thought so. What were you coming to my house for? Ridiculous; are you afraid that I sha’n’t do what I have once undertaken? Hark you, whatever is my poverty, still, of this one thing I have taken due care, not to forfeit my word. Chrem. (to Demipho.) Is she not genteel-looking, just as I told you? 354 Dem. Very much so. Phor. And this is what I’m come to tell you, Demipho, that I’m quite ready; whenever you please, give me my wife. For I postponed all my other business, as was fit I should, when I understood that you were so very desirous to have it so. Dem. (pointing to Chremes.) But he has dissuaded me from giving her to you. “For what,” says he, “will be the talk among people if you do this? Formerly, when she might have been handsomely disposed of, then she wasn’t given; now it’s a disgrace for her to be turned out of doors, a repudiated woman;” pretty nearly, in fact, all the reasons which you yourself, some little time since, were urging to me. Phor. Upon my faith, you are treating me in a very insulting manner. Dem. How so? Phor. Do you ask me? Because I shall not be able to marry the other person I mentioned; for with what face shall I return to her whom I’ve slighted? Chrem. Then besides, I see that Antipho is unwilling to part with her. (Aside, prompting Demipho.) Say so. Dem. Then besides, I see that my son is very unwilling to part with the damsel. But have the goodness to step over to the Forum, and order this money to be transferred to my account, Phormio. Phor. What, when I’ve paid it over to the persons to whom I was indebted? Dem. What’s to be done, then? Phor. If you will let me have her for a wife, as you promised, I’ll take her; but if you prefer that she should stay with you, the portion must stay with me, Demipho. For it isn’t fair that I should be misled for you, as it was for your own sakes that I broke off with the other woman, who was to have brought me a portion just as large. Dem. Away with you to utter perdition, with this swaggering, you vagabond. What, then, do you fancy we don’t know you, or your doings? 355 Phor. You are provoking me. Dem. Would you have married her, if she had been given to you? Phor. Try the experiment. Dem. That my son might cohabit with her at your house, that was your design. Phor. Pray, what is that you say? Dem. Then do you give me my money? Phor. Nay, but do you give me my wife? Dem. Come before a magistrate. (Going to seize hold of him.) Phor. Why, really, if you persist in being troublesome—— Dem. What will you do? Phor. What, I? You fancy, perhaps, just now, that I am the protector of the portionless; for the well portioned, I’m in the habit of being so as well. Chrem. What’s that to us? Phor. (with a careless air.) Nothing at all. I know a certain lady here (pointing at Chremes’s house) whose husband had—— Chrem. (starting.) Ha! Dem. What’s the matter? Phor. Another wife at Lemnos— Chrem. (aside.) I’m ruined! Phor. By whom he had a daughter; and her he is secretly bringing up. Chrem. (aside.) I’m dead and buried! Phor. This I shall assuredly now inform her of. (Walks toward the house.) Chrem. (running and catching hold of him.) I beg of you, don’t do so. Phor. (with a careless air.) Oh, were you the person? Dem. What a jest he’s making of us. Chrem. (to Phormio.) We’ll let you off. Phor. Nonsense. Chrem. What would you have? We’ll forgive you the money you’ve got. Phor. I hear you. Why the plague, then, do you two trifle with me in this way, you silly men, with your childish 356 speeches—“I won’t, and I will; I will, and I won’t,” over again: “keep it, give it me back; what has been said, is unsaid; what had been just a bargain, is now no bargain.” Chrem. (aside, to Demipho.) In what manner, or from whom has he come to know of this? Dem. (aside.) I don’t know; but that I’ve told it to no one, I know for certain. Chrem. (aside.) So may the Gods bless me, ’tis as good as a miracle. Phor. (aside, to himself.) I’ve graveled them. Dem. (apart, to Chremes.) Well now, is he to be carrying off from us such a sum of money as this, and so palpably to impose upon us? By heavens, I’d sooner die. Manage to show yourself of resolute and ready wit. You see that this slip of yours has got abroad, and that you can not now possibly conceal it from your wife; it is then more conducive to our quiet, Chremes, ourselves to disclose what she will be hearing from others; and then, in our own fashion, we shall be able to take vengeance upon this dirty fellow. Phor. (aside, to himself.) Good lack-a-day, now’s the sticking-point, if I don’t look out for myself. They are making toward me with a gladiatorial air. Chrem. (apart, to Demipho.) But I doubt whether it’s possible for her to be appeased. Dem. (apart, to Chremes.) Be of good courage; I’ll effect a reconciliation between you; remembering this, Chremes, that she is dead and gone by whom you had this girl. Phor. (in a loud voice.) Is this the way you are going to deal with me? Very cleverly done. Come on with you. By heavens, Demipho, you have provoked me, not to his advantage (pointing at Chremes). How say you? (addressing Chremes). When you’ve been doing abroad just as you pleased, and have had no regard for this excellent lady here, 357 but on the contrary, have been injuring her in an unheard-of manner, would you be coming to me with prayers to wash away your offenses? On telling her of this, I’ll make her so incensed with you, that you sha’n’t quench her, though you should melt away into tears. Dem. (aside.) A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him. That any fellow should be possessed of so much impudence! Does not this villain deserve to be transported hence to some desolate land at the public charge? Chrem. (aside.) I am brought to such a pass, that I really don’t know what to do in it. Dem. I know; let’s go into court. Phor. Into court? Here in preference (pointing to Chremes’s house), if it suits you in any way. (Moves toward the house.) Dem. (to Chremes.) Follow him, and hold him back, till I call out the servants. Chrem. (trying to seize Phormio.) But I can’t by myself; run and help me. Phor. (to Demipho, who seizes hold of him.) There’s one action of damages against you. Chrem. Sue him at law, then. Phor. And another with you, Chremes. Dem. Lay hold of him. (They both drag him.) Phor. Is it thus you do? Why then I must exert my voice: Nausistrata, come out (calling aloud). Chrem. (to Demipho.) Stop his mouth. Dem. See how strong the rascal is. Phor. (calling aloud.) Nausistrata, I say. Chrem. Will you not hold your tongue? Phor. Hold my tongue? Dem. (to Chremes, as they drag him along.) If he won’t follow, plant your fists in his stomach. Phor. Or e’en gouge out an eye. The time’s coming when I shall have a full revenge on you. 358 <h5 class="scene"> Scene II.</h5> Enter Nausistrata, in haste, from the house. Naus. Who calls my name? Chrem. (in alarm.) Ha! Naus. My husband, pray what means this disturbance? Phor. (to Chremes.) Oh, oh, why are you mute now? Naus. Who is this man? Won’t you answer me? Phor. What, he to answer you? who, upon my faith, doesn’t know where he is. Chrem. (to Nausistrata.) Take care how you believe that fellow in any thing. Phor. (to Nausistrata.) Go, touch him; if he isn’t in a cold sweat all over, why then kill me. Chrem. ’Tis nothing at all. Naus. What is it, then, that this person is talking about? Phor. You shall know directly; listen now. Chrem. Are you resolved to believe him? Naus. Pray, how can I believe him, when he has told me nothing? Phor. The poor creature is distracted from fright. Naus. It isn’t for nothing, i’ faith, that you are in such a fright. Chrem. What, I in a fright? Phor. (to Chremes.) All right, of course: since you are not in a fright at all, and this is nothing at all that I’m going to tell, do you relate it. Dem. Villain, is he to relate it at your request? Phor. (to Demipho.) Come now, you’ve managed nicely for your brother. Naus. My husband, will you not tell me? Chrem. But— Naus. But what? Chrem. There’s no need to tell you. Phor. Not for you, indeed; but there’s need for her to know it. At Lemnos— Chrem. (starting.) Ha! what are you doing? 359 Dem. (to Phormio.) Won’t you hold your tongue? Phor. (to Nausistrata.) Unknown to you—— Chrem. Ah me! Phor. He married another—— Naus. My dear sir, may the Gods forbid it! Phor. Such is the fact. Naus. Wretch that I am, I’m undone! Phor. And had a daughter by her, too, while you never dreamed of it. Chrem. What are we to do? Naus. O immortal Gods!—a disgraceful and a wicked misdeed! Dem. (aside, to Chremes.) It’s all up with you. Phor. Was ever any thing now more ungenerously done? Your men, who, when they come to their wives, then become incapacitated from old age. Naus. Demipho, I appeal to you; for with that man it is irksome for me to speak. Were these those frequent journeys and long visits at Lemnos? Was this the lowness of prices that reduced our rents? Dem. Nausistrata, I don’t deny that in this matter he has been deserving of censure; but still, it may be pardoned. Phor. (apart.) He is talking to the dead. Dem. For he did this neither through neglect or aversion to yourself. About fifteen years since, in a drunken fit, he had an intrigue with this poor woman, of whom this girl was born, nor did he ever touch her afterward. She is dead and gone: the only difficulty that remained in this matter. Wherefore, I do beg of you, that, as in other things, you’ll bear this with patience. Naus. Why should I with patience? I could wish, afflicted as I am, that there were an end now of this matter. But how can I hope? Am I to suppose that, at his age, he will not offend in future? Was he not an old man then, if old age makes people behave themselves decently? Are my looks and my age more attractive now, Demipho? What do you advance to me, to make me expect or hope that this will not happen any more? Phor. (in a loud voice.) Those who have a mind to come 360 to the funeral of Chremes, why now’s their time. ’Tis thus I retaliate: come now, let him challenge Phormio who pleases: I’ll have him victimized with just a like mischance. Why then, let him return again into her good graces. I have now had revenge enough. She has got something for her as long as she lives, to be forever ringing into his ears. Naus. But it was because I deserved this, I suppose; why should I now, Demipho, make mention of each particular, how I have conducted myself toward him? Dem. I know it all, as well as yourself. Naus. Does it appear, then, that I deserved this treatment? Dem. Far from it: but since, by reproaching, it can not now be undone, forgive him: he entreats you—he begs your pardon—owns his fault—makes an apology. What would you have more? Phor. (aside.) But really, before she grants pardon to him, I must take care of myself and Phædria. (To Nausistrata.) Hark you, Nausistrata, before you answer him without thinking, listen to me. Naus. What’s the matter? Phor. I got out of him thirty minæ by a stratagem. I give them to your son; he paid them to a Procurer for his mistress. Chrem. Ha! what is it you say? Phor. (sneeringly.) Does it seem to you so very improper for your son, a young man, to keep one mistress, while you have two wives? Are you ashamed of nothing? With what face will you censure him? Answer me that. Dem. He shall do as you wish. Naus. Nay, that you may now know my determination. I neither forgive nor promise any thing, nor give any answer, 361 before I see my son: to his decision I leave every thing. What he bids me, I shall do. Dem. You are a wise woman, Nausistrata. Naus. Does that satisfy you, Chremes? Chrem. Yes, indeed, I come off well, and fully to my satisfaction; indeed, beyond my expectation. Naus. (to Phormio.) Do you tell me, what is your name? Phor. What, mine? Phormio; a well-wisher to your family, upon my honor, and to your son Phaedria in particular. Naus. Then, Phormio, on my word, henceforward I’ll both do and say for you all I can, and whatever you may desire. Phor. You speak obligingly. Naus. I’ faith, it is as you deserve. Phor. First, then, will you do this, Nausistrata, at once, to please me, and to make your husband’s eyes ache with vexation? Naus. With all my heart. Phor. Invite me to dinner. Naus. Assuredly indeed, I do invite you. Dem. Let us now away in-doors. Chrem. By all means; but where is Phaedria, our arbitrator? Phor. I’ll have him here just now. (To the Audience.) Fare you well, and grant us your applause. 362 <h5 class="scene"> ADDITIONAL SCENE.</h5> Which is generally considered to be spurious. Enter Phædria and Phormio, from opposite sides of the stage. Phæd. Assuredly there is a God, who both hears and sees what we do. And I do not consider that to be true which is commonly said: “Fortune frames and fashions the affairs of mankind, just as she pleases.” Phor. (aside.) Heyday! what means this? I’ve met with Socrates, not Phædria, so far as I see. Why hesitate to go up and address him? (Accosting him.) How now, Phædria, whence have you acquired this new wisdom, and derived such great delight, as you show by your countenance? Phæd. O welcome, my friend; O most delightful Phormio, welcome! There’s not a person in all the world I could more wish just now to meet than yourself. Phor. Pray, tell me what is the matter. Phæd. Aye, faith, I have to beg of you, that you will listen to it. My Pamphila is a citizen of Attica, and of noble birth, and rich. Phor. What is it you tell me? Are you dreaming, pray? Phæd. Upon my faith, I’m saying what’s true. Phor. Yes, and this, too, is a true saying: “You’ll have no great difficulty in believing that to be true, which you greatly wish to be so.” Phæd. Nay, but do listen, I beg of you, to all the wonderful things I have to tell you of. It was while thinking of this to myself, that I just now burst forth into those expressions which you heard—that we, and what relates to us, are ruled by the sanction of the Gods, and not by blind chance. Phor. I’ve been for some time in a state of suspense. Phæd. Do you know Phanocrates? Phor. As well as I do yourself. Phæd. The rich man? 363 Phor. I understand. Phæd. He is the father of Pamphila. Not to detain you, these were the circumstances: Calchas was his servant, a worthless, wicked fellow. Intending to run away from the house, he carried off this girl, whom her father was bringing up in the country, then five years old, and, secretly taking her with him to Eubæa, sold her to Lycus, a merchant. This person, a long time after, sold her, when now grown up, to Dorio. She, however, knew that she was the daughter of parents of rank, inasmuch as she recollected herself being attended and trained up by female servants: the name of her parents she didn’t recollect. Phor. How, then, were they discovered? Phæd. Stay; I was coming to that. This runaway was caught yesterday, and sent back to Phanocrates: he related the wonderful circumstances I have mentioned about the girl, and how she was sold to Lycus, and afterward to Dorio. Phanocrates sent immediately, and claimed his daughter; but when he learned that she had been sold, he came running to me. Phor. O, how extremely fortunate! Phæd. Phanocrates has no objection to my marrying her; nor has my father, I imagine. Phor. Trust me for that; I’ll have all this matter managed for you; Phormio has so arranged it, that you shall not be a suppliant to your father, but his judge. Phæd. You are joking. Phor. So it is, I tell you. Do you only give me the thirty minæ which Dorio— Phæd. You put me well in mind; I understand you; you may have them; for he must give them back, as the law forbids a free woman to be sold; and, on my faith, I do rejoice that an opportunity is afforded me of rewarding you, and taking a hearty vengeance upon him; a monster of a fellow! he has feelings more hardened than iron. Phor. Now, Phædria, I return you thanks; I’ll make you a return upon occasion, if ever I have the opportunity. You impose a heavy task upon me, to be contending with you in good offices, as I can not in wealth; and in affection and zeal, I must repay you what I owe. To be surpassed in deserving well, is a disgrace to a man of principle. 364 Phæd. Services badly bestowed, I take to be disservices. But I do not know any person more grateful and more mindful of a service than yourself. What is it you were just now mentioning about my father? Phor. There are many particulars, which at present I have not the opportunity to relate. Let’s go in-doors, for Nausistrata has invited me to dinner, and I’m afraid we may keep them waiting. Phæd. Very well; follow me. (To the Audience.) Fare you well, and grant us your applause. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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