<h2>THIRD ACT</h2>
<h3>SCENE</h3>
<p>Morning-room at the Manor House.</p>
<p>[<b>Gwendolen</b> and <b>Cecily</b> are at the window, looking
out into the garden.]</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> The fact that they did not follow us
at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to
me to show that they have some sense of shame left.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> They have been eating muffins. That
looks like repentance.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [After a pause.] They
don’t seem to notice us at all. Couldn’t you
cough?</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> But I haven’t got a cough.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> They’re looking at us.
What effrontery!</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> They’re approaching.
That’s very forward of them.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Let us preserve a dignified
silence.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Certainly. It’s the only
thing to do now. [Enter <b>Jack</b> followed by
<b>Algernon</b>. They whistle some dreadful popular air
from a British Opera.]</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> This dignified silence seems to
produce an unpleasant effect.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> A most distasteful one.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> But we will not be the first to
speak.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Certainly not.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Mr. Worthing, I have something very
particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Gwendolen, your common sense is
invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following
question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian’s
brother?</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> In order that I might have an
opportunity of meeting you.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> [To <b>Gwendolen</b>.] That
certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Yes, dear, if you can believe him.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t. But that does not
affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> True. In matters of grave
importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr.
Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to
have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an
opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as
possible?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I have the gravest doubts upon the
subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the
moment for German scepticism. [Moving to
<b>Cecily</b>.] Their explanations appear to be quite
satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seems
to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> I am more than content with what Mr.
Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute
credulity.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Then you think we should forgive
them?</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes. I mean no.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> True! I had forgotten.
There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender.
Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant
one.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Could we not both speak at the same
time?</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> An excellent idea! I nearly
always speak at the same time as other people. Will you
take the time from me?</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Certainly. [<b>Gwendolen</b> beats
time with uplifted finger.]</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen</b> and <b>Cecily</b> [Speaking together.]
Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That
is all!</p>
<p><b>Jack</b> and <b>Algernon</b> [Speaking together.] Our
Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be
christened this afternoon.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [To <b>Jack</b>.] For my sake
you are prepared to do this terrible thing?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> I am.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> [To <b>Algernon</b>.] To please me
you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> I am!</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> How absurd to talk of the equality of
the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned,
men are infinitely beyond us.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> We are. [Clasps hands with
<b>Algernon</b>.]</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> They have moments of physical courage of
which we women know absolutely nothing.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [To <b>Jack</b>.] Darling!</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> [To <b>Cecily</b>.]
Darling! [They fall into each other’s arms.]</p>
<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>. When he enters he coughs loudly,
seeing the situation.]</p>
<p><b>Merriman.</b> Ahem! Ahem! Lady
Bracknell!</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Good heavens!</p>
<p>[Enter <b>Lady Bracknell</b>. The couples separate in
alarm. Exit <b>Merriman</b>.]</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Gwendolen! What does this
mean?</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Merely that I am engaged to be married
to Mr. Worthing, mamma.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Come here. Sit down.
Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of
mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old.
[Turns to <b>Jack</b>.] Apprised, sir, of my
daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose
confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her
at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am
glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more
than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme
on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not
propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived
him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But
of course, you will clearly understand that all communication
between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this
moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am
firm.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen
Lady Bracknell!</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> You are nothing of the kind,
sir. And now, as regards Algernon! . . . Algernon!</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, Aunt Augusta.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> May I ask if it is in this house
that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Stammering.] Oh! No!
Bunbury doesn’t live here. Bunbury is somewhere else
at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury
die? His death must have been extremely sudden.</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Airily.] Oh! I killed
Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury died this
afternoon.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> What did he die of?</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Bunbury? Oh, he was quite
exploded.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Exploded! Was he the victim
of a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr.
Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is
well punished for his morbidity.</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was
found out! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not
live, that is what I mean—so Bunbury died.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> He seems to have had great
confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad,
however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite
course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.
And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I
ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew
Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly
unnecessary manner?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my
ward. [<b>Lady Bracknell</b> bows coldly to
<b>Cecily</b>.]</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> I am engaged to be married to Cecily,
Aunt Augusta.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I beg your pardon?</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be
married, Lady Bracknell.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [With a shiver, crossing to the
sofa and sitting down.] I do not know whether there is
anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part
of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems
to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have
laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary
inquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing,
is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway
stations in London? I merely desire information.
Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or
persons whose origin was a Terminus. [<b>Jack</b> looks
perfectly furious, but restrains himself.]</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [In a clear, cold voice.] Miss Cardew
is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149
Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the
Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> That sounds not
unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence,
even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their
authenticity?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> I have carefully preserved the Court Guides
of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady
Bracknell.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Grimly.] I have known
strange errors in that publication.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Miss Cardew’s family solicitors are
Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Markby, Markby, and Markby?
A firm of the very highest position in their profession.
Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby’s is
occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am
satisfied.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [Very irritably.] How extremely kind
of you, Lady Bracknell! I have also in my possession, you
will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew’s
birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination,
confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English
variety.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Ah! A life crowded with incident,
I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young
girl. I am not myself in favour of premature
experiences. [Rises, looks at her watch.] Gwendolen!
the time approaches for our departure. We have not a moment
to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better
ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand
pounds in the Funds. That is all. Goodbye, Lady
Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Sitting down again.] A
moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand
pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a
most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few
girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of
the qualities that last, and improve with time. We live, I
regret to say, in an age of surfaces. [To
<b>Cecily</b>.] Come over here, dear. [<b>Cecily</b>
goes across.] Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and
your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we
can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French
maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of
time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing,
and after three months her own husband did not know her.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> And after six months nobody knew her.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Glares at <b>Jack</b> for a few
moments. Then bends, with a practised smile, to
<b>Cecily</b>.] Kindly turn round, sweet child.
[<b>Cecily</b> turns completely round.] No, the side view
is what I want. [<b>Cecily</b> presents her profile.]
Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social
possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our
age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The
chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the
way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at
present. Algernon!</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, Aunt Augusta!</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> There are distinct social
possibilities in Miss Cardew’s profile.</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Cecily is the sweetest, dearest,
prettiest girl in the whole world. And I don’t care
twopence about social possibilities.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Never speak disrespectfully of
Society, Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it
do that. [To <b>Cecily</b>.] Dear child, of course
you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend
upon. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages.
When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind.
But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my
way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent.</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Thank you, Aunt Augusta.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Cecily, you may kiss me!</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Kisses her.] Thank you, Lady
Bracknell.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> You may also address me as Aunt
Augusta for the future.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Thank you, Aunt Augusta.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> The marriage, I think, had better
take place quite soon.</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Thank you, Aunt Augusta.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Thank you, Aunt Augusta.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> To speak frankly, I am not in
favour of long engagements. They give people the
opportunity of finding out each other’s character before
marriage, which I think is never advisable.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> I beg your pardon for interrupting you,
Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the
question. I am Miss Cardew’s guardian, and she cannot
marry without my consent until she comes of age. That
consent I absolutely decline to give.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Upon what grounds may I
ask? Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an
ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he
looks everything. What more can one desire?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> It pains me very much to have to speak
frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact
is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. I
suspect him of being untruthful. [<b>Algernon</b> and
<b>Cecily</b> look at him in indignant amazement.]</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Untruthful! My nephew
Algernon? Impossible! He is an Oxonian.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> I fear there can be no possible doubt about
the matter. This afternoon during my temporary absence in
London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission
to my house by means of the false pretence of being my
brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I’ve just
been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my
Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ’89; wine I was specially reserving
for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he
succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the
affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea,
and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his
conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well
aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a
brother, and that I don’t intend to have a brother, not
even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday
afternoon.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after
careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my
nephew’s conduct to you.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> That is very generous of you, Lady
Bracknell. My own decision, however, is unalterable.
I decline to give my consent.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [To <b>Cecily</b>.] Come
here, sweet child. [<b>Cecily</b> goes over.] How old
are you, dear?</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Well, I am really only eighteen, but I
always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> You are perfectly right in making
some slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be
quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating . . .
[In a meditative manner.] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty
at evening parties. Well, it will not be very long before
you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. So
I don’t think your guardian’s consent is, after all,
a matter of any importance.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for
interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that
according to the terms of her grandfather’s will Miss
Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> That does not seem to me to be a
grave objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive
age. London society is full of women of the very highest
birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five
for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To
my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived
at the age of forty, which was many years ago now. I see no
reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more
attractive at the age you mention than she is at present.
There will be a large accumulation of property.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Algy, could you wait for me till I was
thirty-five?</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Of course I could, Cecily. You
know I could.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I
couldn’t wait all that time. I hate waiting even five
minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather cross.
I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in
others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the
question.</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Then what is to be done, Cecily?</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t know, Mr. Moncrieff.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss
Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is
thirty-five—a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to
show a somewhat impatient nature—I would beg of you to
reconsider your decision.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is
entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent to my
marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to
form an alliance with my ward.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Rising and drawing herself
up.] You must be quite aware that what you propose is out
of the question.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Then a passionate celibacy is all that any
of us can look forward to.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> That is not the destiny I propose
for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for
himself. [Pulls out her watch.] Come, dear,
[<b>Gwendolen</b> rises] we have already missed five, if not six,
trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the
platform.</p>
<p>[Enter <b>Dr. Chasuble</b>.]</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Everything is quite ready for the
christenings.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> The christenings, sir! Is
not that somewhat premature?</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing
to <b>Jack</b> and <b>Algernon</b>.] Both these gentlemen
have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> At their age? The idea is
grotesque and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be
baptized. I will not hear of such excesses. Lord
Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was
the way in which you wasted your time and money.</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Am I to understand then that there are
to be no christenings at all this afternoon?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> I don’t think that, as things are
now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr.
Chasuble.</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> I am grieved to hear such sentiments
from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views
of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four
of my unpublished sermons. However, as your present mood
seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church
at once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the
pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been
waiting for me in the vestry.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Starting.] Miss
Prism! Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my
way to join her.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Pray allow me to detain you for a
moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital importance
to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female
of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Somewhat indignantly.] She is
the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of
respectability.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> It is obviously the same
person. May I ask what position she holds in your
household?</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Severely.] I am a celibate,
madam.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady
Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew’s
esteemed governess and valued companion.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> In spite of what I hear of her, I
must see her at once. Let her be sent for.</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Looking off.] She approaches;
she is nigh.</p>
<p>[Enter <b>Miss Prism</b> hurriedly.]</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> I was told you expected me in the
vestry, dear Canon. I have been waiting for you there for
an hour and three-quarters. [Catches sight of <b>Lady
Bracknell</b>, who has fixed her with a stony glare.
<b>Miss Prism</b> grows pale and quails. She looks
anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [In a severe, judicial
voice.] Prism! [<b>Miss Prism</b> bows her head in
shame.] Come here, Prism! [<b>Miss Prism</b>
approaches in a humble manner.] Prism! Where is that
baby? [General consternation. The <b>Canon</b> starts
back in horror. <b>Algernon</b> and <b>Jack</b> pretend to
be anxious to shield <b>Cecily</b> and <b>Gwendolen</b> from
hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.]
Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell’s
house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a
perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex. You
never returned. A few weeks later, through the elaborate
investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was
discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of
Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three-volume
novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality.
[<b>Miss Prism</b> starts in involuntary indignation.] But
the baby was not there! [Every one looks at <b>Miss
Prism</b>.] Prism! Where is that baby? [A
pause.]</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame
that I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain
facts of the case are these. On the morning of the day you
mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared
as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator. I had
also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I
had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I
had written during my few unoccupied hours. In a moment of
mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I
deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in
the hand-bag.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [Who has been listening attentively.]
But where did you deposit the hand-bag?</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small
importance to me. I insist on knowing where you deposited
the hand-bag that contained that infant.</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> I left it in the cloak-room of one of
the larger railway stations in London.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> What railway station?</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Quite crushed.]
Victoria. The Brighton line. [Sinks into a
chair.]</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> I must retire to my room for a
moment. Gwendolen, wait here for me.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> If you are not too long, I will wait
here for you all my life. [Exit <b>Jack</b> in great
excitement.]</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> What do you think this means, Lady
Bracknell?</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I dare not even suspect, Dr.
Chasuble. I need hardly tell you that in families of high
position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur.
They are hardly considered the thing.</p>
<p>[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks
about. Every one looks up.]</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Your guardian has a very emotional
nature.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> This noise is extremely
unpleasant. It sounds as if he was having an
argument. I dislike arguments of any kind. They are
always vulgar, and often convincing.</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Looking up.] It has stopped
now. [The noise is redoubled.]</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I wish he would arrive at some
conclusion.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> This suspense is terrible. I
hope it will last. [Enter <b>Jack</b> with a hand-bag of
black leather in his hand.]</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [Rushing over to <b>Miss Prism</b>.]
Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism? Examine it carefully
before you speak. The happiness of more than one life
depends on your answer.</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Calmly.] It seems to be
mine. Yes, here is the injury it received through the
upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and happier
days. Here is the stain on the lining caused by the
explosion of a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at
Leamington. And here, on the lock, are my initials. I
had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed
there. The bag is undoubtedly mine. I am delighted to
have it so unexpectedly restored to me. It has been a great
inconvenience being without it all these years.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [In a pathetic voice.] Miss Prism,
more is restored to you than this hand-bag. I was the baby
you placed in it.</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Amazed.] You?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [Embracing her.] Yes . . .
mother!</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Recoiling in indignant
astonishment.] Mr. Worthing! I am unmarried!</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Unmarried! I do not deny that is a
serious blow. But after all, who has the right to cast a
stone against one who has suffered? Cannot repentance wipe
out an act of folly? Why should there be one law for men,
and another for women? Mother, I forgive you. [Tries
to embrace her again.]</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Still more indignant.] Mr.
Worthing, there is some error. [Pointing to <b>Lady
Bracknell</b>.] There is the lady who can tell you who you
really are.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [After a pause.] Lady Bracknell, I
hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I
am?</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I am afraid that the news I have
to give you will not altogether please you. You are the son
of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently
Algernon’s elder brother.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Algy’s elder brother! Then I
have a brother after all. I knew I had a brother! I
always said I had a brother! Cecily,—how could you
have ever doubted that I had a brother? [Seizes hold of
<b>Algernon</b>.] Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate
brother. Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother.
Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother. Algy, you young
scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the
future. You have never behaved to me like a brother in all
your life.</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, not till to-day, old boy, I
admit. I did my best, however, though I was out of
practice.</p>
<p>[Shakes hands.]</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [To <b>Jack</b>.] My own!
But what own are you? What is your Christian name, now that
you have become some one else?</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten
that point. Your decision on the subject of my name is
irrevocable, I suppose?</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I never change, except in my
affections.</p>
<p><b>Cecily.</b> What a noble nature you have,
Gwendolen!</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Then the question had better be cleared up
at once. Aunt Augusta, a moment. At the time when
Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened
already?</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Every luxury that money could
buy, including christening, had been lavished on you by your fond
and doting parents.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Then I was christened! That is
settled. Now, what name was I given? Let me know the
worst.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Being the eldest son you were
naturally christened after your father.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> [Irritably.] Yes, but what was my
father’s Christian name?</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Meditatively.] I cannot at
the present moment recall what the General’s Christian name
was. But I have no doubt he had one. He was
eccentric, I admit. But only in later years. And that
was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and
indigestion, and other things of that kind.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Algy! Can’t you recollect what
our father’s Christian name was?</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> My dear boy, we were never even on
speaking terms. He died before I was a year old.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> His name would appear in the Army Lists of
the period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta?</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> The General was essentially a man
of peace, except in his domestic life. But I have no doubt
his name would appear in any military directory.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> The Army Lists of the last forty years are
here. These delightful records should have been my constant
study. [Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out.]
M. Generals . . . Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names
they have—Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff!
Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General
1869, Christian names, Ernest John. [Puts book very quietly
down and speaks quite calmly.] I always told you,
Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn’t I? Well, it is
Ernest after all. I mean it naturally is Ernest.</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Yes, I remember now that the
General was called Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason
for disliking the name.</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Ernest! My own Ernest! I
felt from the first that you could have no other name!</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man
to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking
nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me?</p>
<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I can. For I feel that you are
sure to change.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> My own one!</p>
<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [To <b>Miss Prism</b>.]
Lætitia! [Embraces her]</p>
<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Enthusiastically.]
Frederick! At last!</p>
<p><b>Algernon.</b> Cecily! [Embraces her.] At
last!</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> Gwendolen! [Embraces her.] At
last!</p>
<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> My nephew, you seem to be
displaying signs of triviality.</p>
<p><b>Jack.</b> On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I’ve
now realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance
of Being Earnest.</p>
<p>TABLEAU</p>
<div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />