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<h2> CHAPTER XXI. I SEE MY WAY. </h2>
<p>IN the gray light of the new morning I closed the Report of my husband's
Trial for the Murder of his first Wife.</p>
<p>No sense of fatigue overpowered me. I had no wish, after my long hours of
reading and thinking, to lie down and sleep. It was strange, but it was
so. I felt as if I <i>had</i> slept, and had now just awakened—a new
woman, with a new mind.</p>
<p>I could now at last understand Eustace's desertion of me. To a man of his
refinement it would have been a martyrdom to meet his wife after she had
read the things published of him to all the world in the Report. I felt
that as he would have felt it. At the same time I thought he might have
trusted Me to make amends to him for the martyrdom, and might have come
back. Perhaps it might yet end in his coming back. In the meanwhile, and
in that expectation, I pitied and forgave him with my whole heart.</p>
<p>One little matter only dwelt on my mind disagreeably, in spite of my
philosophy. Did Eustace still secretly love Mrs. Beauly? or had I
extinguished that passion in him? To what order of beauty did this lady
belong? Were we by any chance, the least in the world like one another?</p>
<p>The window of my room looked to the east. I drew up the blind, and saw the
sun rising grandly in a clear sky. The temptation to go out and breathe
the fresh morning air was irresistible. I put on my hat and shawl, and
took the Report of the Trial under my arm. The bolts of the back door were
easily drawn. In another minute I was out in Benjamin's pretty little
garden.</p>
<p>Composed and strengthened by the inviting solitude and the delicious air,
I found courage enough to face the serious question that now confronted me—the
question of the future.</p>
<p>I had read the Trial. I had vowed to devote my life to the sacred object
of vindicating my husband's innocence. A solitary, defenseless woman, I
stood pledged to myself to carry that desperate resolution through to an
end. How was I to begin?</p>
<p>The bold way of beginning was surely the wise way in such a position as
mine. I had good reasons (founded, as I have already mentioned, on the
important part played by this witness at the Trial) for believing that the
fittest person to advise and assist me was—Miserrimus Dexter. He
might disappoint the expectations that I had fixed on him, or he might
refuse to help me, or (like my uncle Starkweather) he might think I had
taken leave of my senses. All these events were possible. Nevertheless, I
held to my resolution to try the experiment. If he were in the land of the
living, I decided that my first step at starting should take me to the
deformed man with the strange name.</p>
<p>Supposing he received me, sympathized with me, understood me? What would
he say? The nurse, in her evidence, had reported him as speaking in an
off-hand manner. He would say, in all probability, "What do you mean to
do? And how can I help you to do it?"</p>
<p>Had I answers ready if those two plain questions were put to me? Yes! if I
dared own to any human creature what was at that very moment secretly
fermenting in my mind. Yes! if I could confide to a stranger a suspicion
roused in me by the Trial which I have been thus far afraid to mention
even in these pages!</p>
<p>It must, nevertheless, be mentioned now. My suspicion led to results which
are part of my story and part of my life.</p>
<p>Let me own, then, to begin with, that I closed the record of the Trial
actually agreeing in one important particular with the opinion of my enemy
and my husband's enemy—the Lord Advocate! He had characterized the
explanation of Mrs. Eustace Macallan's death offered by the defense as a
"clumsy subterfuge, in which no reasonable being could discern the
smallest fragment of probability." Without going quite so far as this, I,
too, could see no reason whatever in the evidence for assuming that the
poor woman had taken an overdose of the poison by mistake. I believed that
she had the arsenic secretly in her possession, and that she had tried, or
intended to try, the use of it internally, for the purpose of improving
her complexion. But further than this I could not advance. The more I
thought of it, the more plainly justified the lawyers for the prosecution
seemed to me to be in declaring that Mrs. Eustace Macallan had died by the
hand of a poisoner—although they were entirely and certainly
mistaken in charging my husband with the crime.</p>
<p>My husband being innocent, somebody else, on my own showing, must be
guilty. Who among the persons inhabiting the house at the time had
poisoned Mrs. Eustace Macallan? My suspicion in answering that question
pointed straight to a woman. And the name of that woman was—Mrs.
Beauly!</p>
<p>Yes! To that startling conclusion I had arrived. It was, to my mind, the
inevitable result of reading the evidence.</p>
<p>Look back for a moment to the letter produced in court, signed "Helena,"
and addressed to Mr. Macallan. No reasonable person can doubt (though the
Judges excused her from answering the question) that Mrs. Beauly was the
writer. Very well. The letter offers, as I think, trustworthy evidence to
show the state of the woman's mind when she paid her visit to Gleninch.</p>
<p>Writing to Mr. Macallan, at a time when she was married to another man—a
man to whom she had engaged herself before she met with Mr. Macallan what
does she say? She says, "When I think of your life sacrificed to that
wretched woman, my heart bleeds for you." And, again, she says, "If it had
been my unutterable happiness to love and cherish the best, the dearest of
men, what a paradise of our own we might have lived in, what delicious
hours we might have known!"</p>
<p>If this is not the language of a woman shamelessly and furiously in love
with a man—not her husband—what is? She is so full of him that
even her idea of another world (see the letter) is the idea of "embracing"
Mr. Macallan's "soul." In this condition of mind and morals, the lady one
day finds herself and her embraces free, through the death of her husband.
As soon as she can decently visit she goes visiting; and in due course of
time she becomes the guest of the man whom she adores. His wife is ill in
her bed. The one other visitor at Gleninch is a cripple, who can only move
in his chair on wheels. The lady has the house and the one beloved object
in it all to herself. No obstacle stands between her and "the unutterable
happiness of loving and cherishing the best, the dearest of men" but a
poor, sick, ugly wife, for whom Mr. Macallan never has felt, and never can
feel, the smallest particle of love.</p>
<p>Is it perfectly absurd to believe that such a woman as this, impelled by
these motives, and surrounded by these circumstances, would be capable of
committing a crime—if the safe opportunity offered itself?</p>
<p>What does her own evidence say?</p>
<p>She admits that she had a conversation with Mrs. Eustace Macallan, in
which that lady questioned her on the subject of cosmetic applications to
the complexion. Did nothing else take place at that interview? Did Mrs.
Beauly make no discoveries (afterward turned to fatal account) of the
dangerous experiment which her hostess was then trying to improve her ugly
complexion? All we know is that Mrs. Beauly said nothing about it.</p>
<p>What does the under-gardener say?</p>
<p>He heard a conversation between Mr. Macallan and Mrs. Beauly, which shows
that the possibility of Mrs. Beauly becoming Mrs. Eustace Macallan had
certainly presented itself to that lady's mind, and was certainly
considered by her to be too dangerous a topic of discourse to be pursued.
Innocent Mr. Macallan would have gone on talking. Mrs. Beauly is discreet
and stops him.</p>
<p>And what does the nurse (Christina Ormsay) tell us?</p>
<p>On the day of Mrs. Eustace Macallan's death, the nurse is dismissed from
attendance, and is sent downstairs. She leaves the sick woman, recovered
from her first attack of illness, and able to amuse herself with writing.
The nurse remains away for half an hour, and then gets uneasy at not
hearing the invalid's bell. She goes to the Morning-Room to consult Mr.
Macallan, and there she hears that Mrs. Beauly is missing. Mr. Macallan
doesn't know where she is, and asks Mr. Dexter if he has seen her. Mr.
Dexter had not set eyes on her. At what time does the disappearance of
Mrs. Beauly take place? At the very time when Christina Ormsay had left
Mrs. Eustace Macallan alone in her room!</p>
<p>Meanwhile the bell rings at last—rings violently. The nurse goes
back to the sick-room at five minutes to eleven, or thereabouts, and finds
that the bad symptoms of the morning have returned in a gravely aggravated
form. A second dose of poison—larger than the dose administered in
the early morning—has been given during the absence of the nurse,
and (observe) during the disappearance also of Mrs. Beauly. The nurse
looking out into the corridor for help, encounters Mrs. Beauly herself,
innocently on her way from her own room—just up, we are to suppose,
at eleven in the morning!—to inquire after the sick woman.</p>
<p>A little later Mrs. Beauly accompanies Mr. Macallan to visit the invalid.
The dying woman casts a strange look at both of them, and tells them to
leave her. Mr. Macallan understands this as the fretful outbreak of a
person in pain, and waits in the room to tell the nurse that the doctor is
sent for. What does Mrs. Beauly do?</p>
<p>She runs out panic-stricken the instant Mrs. Eustace Macallan looks at
her. Even Mrs. Beauly, it seems, has a conscience!</p>
<p>Is there nothing to justify suspicion in such circumstances as these—circumstances
sworn to on the oaths of the witnesses?</p>
<p>To me the conclusion is plain. Mrs. Beauly's hand gave that second dose of
poison. Admit this; and the inference follows that she also gave the first
dose in the early morning. How could she do it? Look again at the
evidence. The nurse admits that she was asleep from past two in the
morning to six. She also speaks of a locked door of communication with the
sickroom, the key of which had been removed, nobody knew by whom. Some
person must have stolen that key. Why not Mrs. Beauly?</p>
<p>One word more, and all that I had in my mind at that time will be honestly
revealed.</p>
<p>Miserrimus Dexter, under cross-examination, had indirectly admitted that
he had ideas of his own on the subject of Mrs. Eustace Macallan's death.
At the same time he had spoken of Mrs. Beauly in a tone which plainly
betrayed that he was no friend to that lady. Did <i>he</i> suspect her
too? My chief motive in deciding to ask his advice before I applied to any
one else was to find an opportunity of putting that question to him. If he
really thought of her as I did, my course was clear before me. The next
step to take would be carefully to conceal my identity—and then to
present myself, in the character of a harmless stranger, to Mrs. Beauly.</p>
<p>There were difficulties, of course, in my way. The first and greatest
difficulty was to obtain an introduction to Miserrimus Dexter.</p>
<p>The composing influence of the fresh air in the garden had by this time
made me readier to lie down and rest than to occupy my mind in reflecting
on my difficulties. Little by little I grew too drowsy to think—then
too lazy to go on walking. My bed looked wonderfully inviting as I passed
by the open window of my room.</p>
<p>In five minutes more I had accepted the invitation of the bed, and had
said farewell to my anxieties and my troubles. In five minutes more I was
fast asleep.</p>
<p>A discreetly gentle knock at my door was the first sound that aroused me.
I heard the voice of my good old Benjamin speaking outside.</p>
<p>"My dear! I am afraid you will be starved if I let you sleep any longer.
It is half-past one o'clock; and a friend of yours has come to lunch with
us."</p>
<p>A friend of mine? What friends had I? My husband was far away; and my
uncle Starkweather had given me up in despair.</p>
<p>"Who is it?" I cried out from my bed, through the door.</p>
<p>"Major Fitz-David," Benjamin answered, by the same medium.</p>
<p>I sprang out of bed. The very man I wanted was waiting to see me! Major
Fitz-David, as the phrase is, knew everybody. Intimate with my husband, he
would certainly know my husband's old friend—Miserrimus Dexter.</p>
<p>Shall I confess that I took particular pains with my toilet, and that I
kept the luncheon waiting? The woman doesn't live who would have done
otherwise—when she had a particular favor to ask of Major
Fitz-David.</p>
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