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Barks and Purrs (Dramatic Reading)

<h2>A CALLER</h2> <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/166a.gif" width-obs="343" height-obs="305" align="left" /> (A winter's afternoon, in Paris. The studio; a fire crackles gently in the tower-shaped stove. TOBY-DOG and KIKI-THE-DEMURE, one on the floor, the other on his own particular cushion, proceed with the minute toilet which follows a long siesta. Peace reigns.) TOBY-DOG My nails grow faster here than in the country. <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/166b.gif" width-obs="229" height-obs="335" align="right"/> KIKI-THE-DEMURE It's the contrary, with mine. TOBY-DOG Really! KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (bitterly) Not to be wondered at! She clips them for the sake of the hangings ... Well! (Magniloquently), what can't be cured must be endured. TOBY-DOG What are you going to do to-day? KIKI-THE-DEMURE Why ... nothing. TOBY-DOG, (ironically) For a change I suppose. KIKI-THE-DEMURE Pardon, to avoid change. What is this rage for change that takes possession of you all? Change means destruction. Only that which remains stationary is eternal. TOBY-DOG I'm eternal then, these three hours past. KIKI-THE-DEMURE But you've been out with Her, haven't you? You came in like a whirlwind; bells rang, clothes were shaken out, you were sneezing and laughing and aureoled with icy air.... The end of her nose felt so cold when She kissed me on the forehead. She always kisses me there, just over the dark stripes forming the classic M, which She assures me stands for miaou and for Minet, my name in French. TOBY-DOG Yes ... we had a fine run on the banks of the fortifications, and then we went into a shop. KIKI-THE-DEMURE Is that amusing? TOBY-DOG Not often. There are a great many people crowded together. I'm immediately seized with the fear of losing Her, and I stick close to her heels, no matter what comes. Strange feet push and knock me about and step on my paws. I yelp but the skirts all around stifle my voice.... When we're out of it, we both look as if we'd been shipwrecked ... KIKI-THE-DEMURE May the gods preserve me from anything of the sort! Here, the moments have glided peacefully by. When She's not in this house, there's nothing to hinder me; I employ the time as my system of hygiene dictates. After my breakfast of rosy liver and milk, my kittenhood seems to come back to me; I'm filled with a foolish gayety. I go over to him. He's rumpling big, blackish papers and welcomes me with a quiet smile; we loll on the same divan, and revel in a few idle moments together. Sometimes, with imperious paw, I tear the paper He holds like a screen between us. It always seems to me the most desirable—the one that crackles best. He cries out, and I throw myself on my back and wriggle with joy in a sort of horizontal dance, He calls "the dance of the bayadeer." Then somehow, everything dwindles before my eyes, grows dim, and far away; I want to rise and go back to my cushion, but dreams already separate me from the world ... Ah! blessed hour when you and She disappear, when the house is at rest and takes a long breath. Soon I'm in the depths of a dark, sweet sleep; my ears alone keep watch and turn like sensitive antennas towards vague sounds of doors and bells ... <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/170.gif" width-obs="596" height-obs="225" /> (At this moment someone rings. TOBY-DOG and KIKI-THE-DEMURE start and change their positions. The Cat, sitting, encircles himself with his fluffy tail. The Dog, in a sphinx-like attitude, lifts his head boldly.) <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/171a.gif" width-obs="270" height-obs="235" /> KIKI-THE-DEMURE What's that? TOBY-DOG A tradesman? <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/171b.gif" width-obs="392" height-obs="233" align="right" /> KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (shrugging his shoulders) That's not the kitchen bell. Perhaps it's caller. TOBY-DOG, (with a bound) What luck! They'll have tea and cakes! Come on!! Sugar, sugar! Little cakes! Little cakes!! KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (gloomily) To see ladies who shriek, and put gloved hands on my back—hands covered with dead skin?... ugh! (Feminine voices are heard—Hers among them—and the clear tinkling of a little bell; then the door opens and a very diminutive toy terrier enters, alone. She's black and tan, seems in love with herself, and comes forward with a mincing step.) THE LITTLE DOG, (voice way up in her head) I'm the darling little dog, so pretty! <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/173.gif" width-obs="179" height-obs="182" /> (TOBY is struck dumb with admiration and astonishment. KIKI, indignant, has jumped on top of the piano and remains an unseen and hostile spectator.) THE LITTLE DOG, (astonished at not hearing the chorus of admiration that everywhere greets her, is reciting—) I'm the darling little dog, so pretty! I weigh only one pound, eleven ounces, my collar is of gold, my ears of black satin, lined with shiny rubber, my nails are polished like the beaks of little birds. (Catching sight of TOBY-DOG.) Oh!--someone—(silence). He's rather good-looking. (They ogle and strut.) TOBY-DOG How tiny she is! THE LITTLE DOG Sir—don't come near me. TOBY-DOG Why not? THE LITTLE DOG I don't know. My mistress knows. She's not here. She stayed in the other room. TOBY-DOG How old are you? THE LITTLE DOG Eleven months, (reciting) I'm eleven months old. At the dog show, my mother took first prize for beauty. I weigh only one pound eleven ounces and— TOBY-DOG You've said that already. What makes you so little? <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/174.gif" width-obs="301" height-obs="291" /> KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (from the piano) She's ugly, and has an evil odor. Her paws are deformed, she can't stand still an instant, and this dog takes pains to make himself fascinating! THE LITTLE DOG, (very coquettish and talkative) It's my lineage, of course. One can hold me in a muff. You've seen my new collar? It's gold ... TOBY-DOG And what's that hanging from it? THE LITTLE DOG My mother's medal, Sir. I always wear it. I come from the Palais de Glace, where I made quite a hit. Imagine! I wanted to bite a gentleman who was speaking to my mistress. How they laughed! (She wriggles and chirps.) <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/175.gif" width-obs="571" height-obs="245" /> TOBY-DOG, (aside) What an odd creature! Is she really a dog? (Sniffs.) Yes ... smells of rice powder, but it's a dog just the same. (Aloud.) Sit down a moment, it makes me quite dizzy to see you moving about so. THE LITTLE DOG Certainly. (She lies down, like a miniature greyhound, crossing her fore-paws to show the slimness of her toes.) You were here all alone? TOBY-DOG, (looking toward the piano) Yes, no other dog. Why? THE LITTLE DOG There's a strange odor. TOBY-DOG The Cat, doubtless. THE LITTLE DOG The Cat? What's a Cat? I've never seen one. Do they leave you in the room all alone? <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/176.gif" width-obs="566" height-obs="193" /> TOBY-DOG It happens so now and then. THE LITTLE DOG And you don't bark? I cry as soon as I'm left alone. I'm bored, afraid, feel sick, and chew up the cushions. TOBY-DOG And then you're whipped. THE LITTLE DOG, (insulted) I'm—what did you say? You're losing your senses, I imagine. (Suddenly amiable again.) That would be a pity. You have lovely eyes. TOBY-DOG Haven't I? They show well, don't they? They're large, and then they stick out. She says I have eyes like a lobster's, and sometimes She says "his beautiful seal's eyes, his frog-like eyes of gold." THE LITTLE DOG Who's She? TOBY-DOG, (simple) She. THE LITTLE DOG I don't understand all you say, but I find you so very sympathetic! What are you doing this evening? TOBY-DOG Why ... I dine. THE LITTLE DOG Naturally! I wanted to know whether they receive here this evening, or do you go out? TOBY-DOG No, I've been out already. THE LITTLE DOG Driving? TOBY-DOG Walking—of course. THE LITTLE DOG Why, of course? I hardly stir except in a carriage. Show me the underside of your paws. Horrors! One would say 'twas the stone they sharpen knives on! Look at mine. Satin on top, velvet underneath. TOBY-DOG I'd like to see you in the country, on the cobble-stones. THE LITTLE DOG I've been there, Sir. I was in the country last summer and there weren't any cobble-stones. <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/179.gif" width-obs="565" height-obs="202" /> TOBY-DOG Then it wasn't the country. You don't know what country means. THE LITTLE DOG, (vexed) Indeed I do, Sir! It's fine sand, and velvety lawns that are swept every morning; it's a reclining chair on the grass, great, fresh cushions of cretonne, foamy milk, naps in the shade, and charming little red apples to play with. TOBY-DOG, (shaking his head) No. It's the road covered with white powder that makes the eyelids smart and the paws burn, the tough, shriveled, sweet-smelling grass, where I scratch my nose and my gums; it's the fearful night—for I'm the only one to guard them, He and She. I lie in my basket, but the beating of my poor overdriven heart keeps me awake. I hear a dog crying to me from far off, that the Bad Man has passed on the road. Is he coming in my direction? Will I be obliged in another minute, my eyes bloodshot and tongue dry as chalk, to throw myself upon him and devour his shadowy face? ... THE LITTLE DOG, (trembling and in ecstasy) Go on! Go on! Oh! how frightened I am! ... TOBY-DOG, (modestly) Don't be afraid—it has never happened. All that is the country, yes, and the interminable hill, in the shadow of the carriage, when thirst, hunger, heat and fatigue, render the soul submissive and hopeless ... THE LITTLE DOG, (quite worked up) And then? TOBY-DOG Oh, nothing. One arrives at the house, after all, and the pail of dark water, one drinks without taking breath, ("his tongue," She says, "his big tongue is parted in the center, like an iris-petal") while sore eyelids and dusty lashes are splashed with cooling drops.... The country is all that and many things besides.... <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/182.gif" width-obs="624" height-obs="379" /> KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (on the piano, musingly) All that, yes...and the habits of the year before that one finds again, molded to one's shape, like a cushion marked with the imprint of a long sleep...the long nights of freedom, when the lone owlet, with his sad little laugh, makes his way through the air as quietly as I do on the ground, and silvery gray rats cling to the vines, eating grapes and keeping their eyes on me at the same time. It's the sun-cure on the hot stone-wall, from which I arise wan and shrunken, baked through and through, but svelte enough to make the youngest tomcat envious. (Coming back to the present with a murderous look at THE LITTLE DOG.) Death to you, ill-smelling beast, for having evoked these by-gone joys! Aren't you going to disappear, that I may come down from this cold pedestal, where my paws are growing numb? TOBY-DOG, (enthusiastically to THE LITTLE DOG) But let us forget all that! With you there, I can think of nothing but you. I feel that I love you! THE LITTLE DOG, (lowering her eyes) Do you mean...really? TOBY-DOG Of course I do! THE LITTLE DOG So soon! <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/184.gif" width-obs="416" height-obs="238" /> TOBY-DOG We've already wasted a great deal of time. THE LITTLE DOG But ... we've been chatting. I've enjoyed it very much ... and I fail to understand why the society of young dogs like you, is forbidden me ... TOBY-DOG Allow me to make love to you. THE LITTLE DOG What's that? TOBY-DOG I'll show you. First I hold myself very erect, stiffen my legs, walk 'round you, barking low and melodiously. My tail wriggles, my ears ... THE LITTLE DOG Don't come near me. I feel quite upset. (Escaping.) Aïe! You unmannerly fellow! KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (standing up) These preludes are indeed a sad parody on our wild love-making ... (aloud, very angry) I should think— THE LITTLE DOG looks to see where the dreadful voice is coming from, and espies a strange striped monster with eyes afire, and eyebrows and whiskers bristling ferociously. She dashes towards the door crying, Help, help! There's a tiger on the piano! ... <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/185.gif" width-obs="651" height-obs="291" /> And falls into the arms of her mistress, who has come upon the scene and proceeds to console her with great volubility; Fifi! my Zezette! My darling! there, there, goo, goo, goo, goo, you poor helpless little doggie! What did they do to her? Ooooo!--Ooo! Was it the naughty bow-bow? etc., etc., etc. <ANTIMG border="0" alt=" " src="gifs/186.gif" width-obs="632" height-obs="903" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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