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<h2> CHAPTER 12 </h2>
<p>"TOWARDS midnight Mr. Venables entered my chamber; and, with calm audacity
preparing to go to bed, he bade me make haste, 'for that was the best
place for husbands and wives to end their differences. He had been
drinking plentifully to aid his courage.</p>
<p>"I did not at first deign to reply. But perceiving that he affected to
take my silence for consent, I told him that, 'If he would not go to
another bed, or allow me, I should sit up in my study all night.' He
attempted to pull me into the chamber, half joking. But I resisted; and,
as he had determined not to give me any reason for saying that he used
violence, after a few more efforts, he retired, cursing my obstinacy, to
bed.</p>
<p>"I sat musing some time longer; then, throwing my cloak around me,
prepared for sleep on a sopha. And, so fortunate seemed my deliverance, so
sacred the pleasure of being thus wrapped up in myself, that I slept
profoundly, and woke with a mind composed to encounter the struggles of
the day. Mr. Venables did not wake till some hours after; and then he came
to me half-dressed, yawning and stretching, with haggard eyes, as if he
scarcely recollected what had passed the preceding evening. He fixed his
eyes on me for a moment, then, calling me a fool, asked 'How long I
intended to continue this pretty farce? For his part, he was devilish sick
of it; but this was the plague of marrying women who pretended to know
something.'</p>
<p>"I made no other reply to this harangue, than to say, 'That he ought to be
glad to get rid of a woman so unfit to be his companion—and that any
change in my conduct would be mean dissimulation; for maturer reflection
only gave the sacred seal of reason to my first resolution.'</p>
<p>"He looked as if he could have stamped with impatience, at being obliged
to stifle his rage; but, conquering his anger (for weak people, whose
passions seem the most ungovernable, restrain them with the greatest ease,
when they have a sufficient motive), he exclaimed, 'Very pretty, upon my
soul! very pretty, theatrical flourishes! Pray, fair Roxana, stoop from
your altitudes, and remember that you are acting a part in real life.'</p>
<p>"He uttered this speech with a self-satisfied air, and went down stairs to
dress.</p>
<p>"In about an hour he came to me again; and in the same tone said, 'That he
came as my gentleman-usher to hand me down to breakfast.</p>
<p>"'Of the black rod?' asked I.</p>
<p>"This question, and the tone in which I asked it, a little disconcerted
him. To say the truth, I now felt no resentment; my firm resolution to
free myself from my ignoble thraldom, had absorbed the various emotions
which, during six years, had racked my soul. The duty pointed out by my
principles seemed clear; and not one tender feeling intruded to make me
swerve: The dislike which my husband had inspired was strong; but it only
led me to wish to avoid, to wish to let him drop out of my memory; there
was no misery, no torture that I would not deliberately have chosen,
rather than renew my lease of servitude.</p>
<p>"During the breakfast, he attempted to reason with me on the folly of
romantic sentiments; for this was the indiscriminate epithet he gave to
every mode of conduct or thinking superior to his own. He asserted, 'that
all the world were governed by their own interest; those who pretended to
be actuated by different motives, were only deeper knaves, or fools crazed
by books, who took for gospel all the rodomantade nonsense written by men
who knew nothing of the world. For his part, he thanked God, he was no
hypocrite; and, if he stretched a point sometimes, it was always with an
intention of paying every man his own.'</p>
<p>"He then artfully insinuated, 'that he daily expected a vessel to arrive,
a successful speculation, that would make him easy for the present, and
that he had several other schemes actually depending, that could not fail.
He had no doubt of becoming rich in a few years, though he had been thrown
back by some unlucky adventures at the setting out.'</p>
<p>"I mildly replied, 'That I wished he might not involve himself still
deeper.'</p>
<p>"He had no notion that I was governed by a decision of judgment, not to be
compared with a mere spurt of resentment. He knew not what it was to feel
indignation against vice, and often boasted of his placable temper, and
readiness to forgive injuries. True; for he only considered the being
deceived, as an effort of skill he had not guarded against; and then, with
a cant of candour, would observe, 'that he did not know how he might
himself have been tempted to act in the same circumstances.' And, as his
heart never opened to friendship, it never was wounded by disappointment.
Every new acquaintance he protested, it is true, was 'the cleverest fellow
in the world; and he really thought so; till the novelty of his
conversation or manners ceased to have any effect on his sluggish spirits.
His respect for rank or fortune was more permanent, though he chanced to
have no design of availing himself of the influence of either to promote
his own views.</p>
<p>"After a prefatory conversation,—my blood (I thought it had been
cooler) flushed over my whole countenance as he spoke—he alluded to
my situation. He desired me to reflect—'and act like a prudent
woman, as the best proof of my superior understanding; for he must own I
had sense, did I know how to use it. I was not,' he laid a stress on his
words, 'without my passions; and a husband was a convenient cloke.—He
was liberal in his way of thinking; and why might not we, like many other
married people, who were above vulgar prejudices, tacitly consent to let
each other follow their own inclination?—He meant nothing more, in
the letter I made the ground of complaint; and the pleasure which I seemed
to take in Mr. S.'s company, led him to conclude, that he was not
disagreeable to me.'</p>
<p>"A clerk brought in the letters of the day, and I, as I often did, while
he was discussing subjects of business, went to the <i>piano</i> <i>forte</i>,
and began to play a favourite air to restore myself, as it were, to
nature, and drive the sophisticated sentiments I had just been obliged to
listen to, out of my soul.</p>
<p>"They had excited sensations similar to those I have felt, in viewing the
squalid inhabitants of some of the lanes and back streets of the
metropolis, mortified at being compelled to consider them as my
fellow-creatures, as if an ape had claimed kindred with me. Or, as when
surrounded by a mephitical fog, I have wished to have a volley of cannon
fired, to clear the incumbered atmosphere, and give me room to breathe and
move.</p>
<p>"My spirits were all in arms, and I played a kind of extemporary prelude.
The cadence was probably wild and impassioned, while, lost in thought, I
made the sounds a kind of echo to my train of thinking.</p>
<p>"Pausing for a moment, I met Mr. Venables' eyes. He was observing me with
an air of conceited satisfaction, as much as to say—'My last
insinuation has done the business—she begins to know her own
interest.' Then gathering up his letters, he said, 'That he hoped he
should hear no more romantic stuff, well enough in a miss just come from
boarding school;' and went, as was his custom, to the counting-house. I
still continued playing; and, turning to a sprightly lesson, I executed it
with uncommon vivacity. I heard footsteps approach the door, and was soon
convinced that Mr. Venables was listening; the consciousness only gave
more animation to my fingers. He went down into the kitchen, and the cook,
probably by his desire, came to me, to know what I would please to order
for dinner. Mr. Venables came into the parlour again, with apparent
carelessness. I perceived that the cunning man was overreaching himself;
and I gave my directions as usual, and left the room.</p>
<p>"While I was making some alteration in my dress, Mr. Venables peeped in,
and, begging my pardon for interrupting me, disappeared. I took up some
work (I could not read), and two or three messages were sent to me,
probably for no other purpose, but to enable Mr. Venables to ascertain
what I was about.</p>
<p>"I listened whenever I heard the street-door open; at last I imagined I
could distinguish Mr. Venables' step, going out. I laid aside my work; my
heart palpitated; still I was afraid hastily to enquire; and I waited a
long half hour, before I ventured to ask the boy whether his master was in
the counting-house?</p>
<p>"Being answered in the negative, I bade him call me a coach, and
collecting a few necessaries hastily together, with a little parcel of
letters and papers which I had collected the preceding evening, I hurried
into it, desiring the coachman to drive to a distant part of the town.</p>
<p>"I almost feared that the coach would break down before I got out of the
street; and, when I turned the corner, I seemed to breathe a freer air. I
was ready to imagine that I was rising above the thick atmosphere of
earth; or I felt, as wearied souls might be supposed to feel on entering
another state of existence.</p>
<p>"I stopped at one or two stands of coaches to elude pursuit, and then
drove round the skirts of the town to seek for an obscure lodging, where I
wished to remain concealed, till I could avail myself of my uncle's
protection. I had resolved to assume my own name immediately, and openly
to avow my determination, without any formal vindication, the moment I had
found a home, in which I could rest free from the daily alarm of expecting
to see Mr. Venables enter.</p>
<p>"I looked at several lodgings; but finding that I could not, without a
reference to some acquaintance, who might inform my tyrant, get admittance
into a decent apartment—men have not all this trouble—I
thought of a woman whom I had assisted to furnish a little haberdasher's
shop, and who I knew had a first floor to let.</p>
<p>"I went to her, and though I could not persuade her, that the quarrel
between me and Mr. Venables would never be made up, still she agreed to
conceal me for the present; yet assuring me at the same time, shaking her
head, that, when a woman was once married, she must bear every thing. Her
pale face, on which appeared a thousand haggard lines and delving
wrinkles, produced by what is emphatically termed fretting, inforced her
remark; and I had afterwards an opportunity of observing the treatment she
had to endure, which grizzled her into patience. She toiled from morning
till night; yet her husband would rob the till, and take away the money
reserved for paying bills; and, returning home drunk, he would beat her if
she chanced to offend him, though she had a child at the breast.</p>
<p>"These scenes awoke me at night; and, in the morning, I heard her, as
usual, talk to her dear Johnny—he, forsooth, was her master; no
slave in the West Indies had one more despotic; but fortunately she was of
the true Russian breed of wives.</p>
<p>"My mind, during the few past days, seemed, as it were, disengaged from my
body; but, now the struggle was over, I felt very forcibly the effect
which perturbation of spirits produces on a woman in my situation.</p>
<p>"The apprehension of a miscarriage, obliged me to confine myself to my
apartment near a fortnight; but I wrote to my uncle's friend for money,
promising 'to call on him, and explain my situation, when I was well
enough to go out; mean time I earnestly intreated him, not to mention my
place of abode to any one, lest my husband—such the law considered
him—should disturb the mind he could not conquer. I mentioned my
intention of setting out for Lisbon, to claim my uncle's protection, the
moment my health would permit.'</p>
<p>"The tranquillity however, which I was recovering, was soon interrupted.
My landlady came up to me one day, with eyes swollen with weeping, unable
to utter what she was commanded to say. She declared, 'That she was never
so miserable in her life; that she must appear an ungrateful monster; and
that she would readily go down on her knees to me, to intreat me to
forgive her, as she had done to her husband to spare her the cruel task.'
Sobs prevented her from proceeding, or answering my impatient enquiries,
to know what she meant.</p>
<p>"When she became a little more composed, she took a newspaper out of her
pocket, declaring, 'that her heart smote her, but what could she do?—she
must obey her husband.' I snatched the paper from her. An advertisement
quickly met my eye, purporting, that 'Maria Venables had, without any
assignable cause, absconded from her husband; and any person harbouring
her, was menaced with the utmost severity of the law.'</p>
<p>"Perfectly acquainted with Mr. Venables' meanness of soul, this step did
not excite my surprise, and scarcely my contempt. Resentment in my breast,
never survived love. I bade the poor woman, in a kind tone, wipe her eyes,
and request her husband to come up, and speak to me himself.</p>
<p>"My manner awed him. He respected a lady, though not a woman; and began to
mutter out an apology.</p>
<p>"'Mr. Venables was a rich gentleman; he wished to oblige me, but he had
suffered enough by the law already, to tremble at the thought; besides,
for certain, we should come together again, and then even I should not
thank him for being accessary to keeping us asunder.—A husband and
wife were, God knows, just as one,—and all would come round at
last.' He uttered a drawling 'Hem!' and then with an arch look, added—'Master
might have had his little frolics—but—Lord bless your heart!—men
would be men while the world stands.'</p>
<p>"To argue with this privileged first-born of reason, I perceived, would be
vain. I therefore only requested him to let me remain another day at his
house, while I sought for a lodging; and not to inform Mr. Venables that I
had ever been sheltered there.</p>
<p>"He consented, because he had not the courage to refuse a person for whom
he had an habitual respect; but I heard the pent-up choler burst forth in
curses, when he met his wife, who was waiting impatiently at the foot of
the stairs, to know what effect my expostulations would have on him.</p>
<p>"Without wasting any time in the fruitless indulgence of vexation, I once
more set out in search of an abode in which I could hide myself for a few
weeks.</p>
<p>"Agreeing to pay an exorbitant price, I hired an apartment, without any
reference being required relative to my character: indeed, a glance at my
shape seemed to say, that my motive for concealment was sufficiently
obvious. Thus was I obliged to shroud my head in infamy.</p>
<p>"To avoid all danger of detection—I use the appropriate word, my
child, for I was hunted out like a felon—I determined to take
possession of my new lodgings that very evening.</p>
<p>"I did not inform my landlady where I was going. I knew that she had a
sincere affection for me, and would willingly have run any risk to show
her gratitude; yet I was fully convinced, that a few kind words from
Johnny would have found the woman in her, and her dear benefactress, as
she termed me in an agony of tears, would have been sacrificed, to
recompense her tyrant for condescending to treat her like an equal. He
could be kind-hearted, as she expressed it, when he pleased. And this
thawed sternness, contrasted with his habitual brutality, was the more
acceptable, and could not be purchased at too dear a rate.</p>
<p>"The sight of the advertisement made me desirous of taking refuge with my
uncle, let what would be the consequence; and I repaired in a hackney
coach (afraid of meeting some person who might chance to know me, had I
walked) to the chambers of my uncle's friend.</p>
<p>"He received me with great politeness (my uncle had already prepossessed
him in my favour), and listened, with interest, to my explanation of the
motives which had induced me to fly from home, and skulk in obscurity,
with all the timidity of fear that ought only to be the companion of
guilt. He lamented, with rather more gallantry than, in my situation, I
thought delicate, that such a woman should be thrown away on a man
insensible to the charms of beauty or grace. He seemed at a loss what to
advise me to do, to evade my husband's search, without hastening to my
uncle, whom, he hesitating said, I might not find alive. He uttered this
intelligence with visible regret; requested me, at least, to wait for the
arrival of the next packet; offered me what money I wanted, and promised
to visit me.</p>
<p>"He kept his word; still no letter arrived to put an end to my painful
state of suspense. I procured some books and music, to beguile the tedious
solitary days.</p>
<p>'Come, ever smiling Liberty,<br/>
'And with thee bring thy jocund train:'<br/></p>
<p>I sung—and sung till, saddened by the strain of joy, I bitterly
lamented the fate that deprived me of all social pleasure. Comparative
liberty indeed I had possessed myself of; but the jocund train lagged far
behind!"</p>
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