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Wit and Humor of America, The Vol 06

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<h2>THE BALLAD OF GRIZZLY GULCH</h2> <h3>BY WALLACE IRWIN</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The rocks are rough, the trail is tough, The forest lies before, As madly, madly to the hunt Rides good King Theodore With woodsmen, plainsmen, journalists And kodaks thirty-four. </div> <div class="stanza"> The bob-cats howl, the panthers growl, "He sure is after us!" As by his side lopes Bill, the Guide, A wicked-looking cuss— "Chee-chee!" the little birds exclaim, "Ain't Teddy stren-oo-uss!" </div> <div class="stanza"> Though dour the climb with slip and slime, King Ted he doesn't care, Till, cracking peanuts on a rock, Behold, a Grizzly Bear! King Theodore he shows his teeth, But he never turns a hair. </div> <div class="stanza"> "Come hither, Court Photographer," The genial monarch saith, "Be quick to snap your picture-trap As I do yon Bear to death." "Dee-lighted!" cries the smiling Bear, As he waits and holds his breath. </div> <div class="stanza"> Then speaks the Court Biographer, And a handy guy is he, "First let me wind my biograph, That the deed recorded be." "A square deal!" saith the patient Bear, With ready repartee. </div> <div class="stanza"> And now doth mighty Theodore For slaughter raise his gun; A flash, a bang, an ursine roar— The dready deed is done! And now the kodaks thirty-four In chorus click as one. </div> <div class="stanza"> The big brown bruin stricken falls And in his juices lies; His blood is spent, yet deep content Beams from his limpid eyes. "Congratulations, dear old pal!" He murmurs as he dies. </div> <div class="stanza"> From Cripple Creek and Soda Springs, Gun Gulch and Gunnison, A-foot, a-sock, the people flock To see that deed of gun; And parents bring huge families To show what they have done. </div> <div class="stanza"> In the damp corse stands Theodore And takes a hand of each, As loud and long the happy throng Cries, "Speech!" again and "Speech!" Which pleaseth well King Theodore, Whose practice is to preach. </div> <div class="stanza"> "Good friends," he says, "lead outdoor lives And Fame you yet may see— Just look at Lincoln, Washington, And great Napoleon B.; And after that take off your hats And you may look at me!" </div> <div class="stanza"> But as he speaks, a Messenger Cries, "Sire, a telegraft!" The king up takes the wireless screed Which he opens fore and aft, And reads: "The Venezuelan stew Is boiling over. TAFT." </div> <div class="stanza"> Then straight the good King Theodore In anger drops his gun And turns his flashing spectacles Toward high-domed Washington. "O tush!" he saith beneath his breath, "A man can't have no fun!" </div> <div class="stanza"> Then comes a disappointed wail From every rock and tree. "Good-by, good-by!" the grizzlies cry And wring their handkerchee. And a sad bob-cat exclaims, "O drat! He never shot at me!" </div> <div class="stanza"> So backward, backward from the hunt The monarch lopes once more. The Constitution rides behind And the Big Stick rides before (Which was a rule of precedent In the reign of Theodore). </div> </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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