<p><SPAN name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"></SPAN></p>
<h2> XXXVIII. A FULL CONFESSION </h2>
<p>"Between the acting of a dreadful thing,<br/>
And the first motion, all the interim is<br/>
Like a phantasma or a hideous dream;<br/>
The genius and the mortal instruments<br/>
Are then in council; and the state of a man,<br/>
Like to a little Kingdom, suffers then<br/>
The nature of an insurrection."<br/>
—Julius Caesar.<br/></p>
<p>I AM not a bad man; I am only an intense one. Ambition, love, jealousy,
hatred, revenge—transitory emotions with some, are terrific passions
with me. To be sure, they are quiet and concealed ones, coiled serpents
that make no stir till aroused; but then, deadly in their spring and
relentless in their action. Those who have known me best have not known
this. My own mother was ignorant of it. Often and often have I heard her
say: "If Trueman only had more sensibility! If Trueman were not so
indifferent to everything! In short, if Trueman had more power in him!"</p>
<p>It was the same at school. No one understood me. They thought me meek;
called me Dough-face. For three years they called me this, then I turned
upon them. Choosing out their ringleader, I felled him to the ground, laid
him on his back, and stamped upon him. He was handsome before my foot came
down; afterwards—Well, it is enough he never called me Dough-face
again. In the store I entered soon after, I met with even less
appreciation. Regular at my work and exact in my performance of it, they
thought me a good machine and nothing more. What heart, soul, and feeling
could a man have who never sported, never smoked, and never laughed? I
could reckon up figures correctly, but one scarcely needed heart or soul
for that. I could even write day by day and month by month without showing
a flaw in my copy; but that only argued I was no more than they intimated,
a regular automaton. I let them think so, with the certainty before me
that they would one day change their minds as others had done. The fact
was, I loved nobody well enough, not even myself, to care for any man's
opinion. Life was well-nigh a blank to me; a dead level plain that had to
be traversed whether I would or not. And such it might have continued to
this day if I had never met Mary Leavenworth. But when, some nine months
since, I left my desk in the counting-house for a seat in Mr.
Leavenworth's library, a blazing torch fell into my soul whose flame has
never gone out, and never will, till the doom before me is accomplished.</p>
<p>She was so beautiful! When, on that first evening, I followed my new
employer into the parlor, and saw this woman standing up before me in her
half-alluring, half-appalling charm, I knew, as by a lightning flash, what
my future would be if I remained in that house. She was in one of her
haughty moods, and bestowed upon me little more than a passing glance. But
her indifference made slight impression upon me then. It was enough that I
was allowed to stand in her presence and look unrebuked upon her
loveliness. To be sure, it was like gazing into the flower-wreathed crater
of an awakening volcano. Fear and fascination were in each moment I
lingered there; but fear and fascination made the moment what it was, and
I could not have withdrawn if I would.</p>
<p>And so it was always. Unspeakable pain as well as pleasure was in the
emotion with which I regarded her. Yet for all that I did not cease to
study her hour by hour and day by day; her smiles, her movement, her way
of turning her head or lifting her eyelids. I had a purpose in this. I
wished to knit her beauty so firmly into the warp and woof of my being
that nothing could ever serve to tear it away. For I saw then as plainly
as now that, coquette though she was, she would never stoop to me. No; I
might lie down at her feet and let her trample over me; she would not even
turn to see what it was she had stepped upon. I might spend days, months,
years, learning the alphabet of her wishes; she would not thank me for my
pains or even raise the lashes from her cheek to look at me as I passed. I
was nothing to her, could not be anything unless—and this thought
came slowly—I could in some way become her master.</p>
<p>Meantime I wrote at Mr. Leavenworth's dictation and pleased him. My
methodical ways were just to his taste. As for the other member of the
family, Miss Eleanore Leavenworth—she treated me just as one of her
proud but sympathetic nature might be expected to do. Not familiarly, but
kindly; not as a friend, but as a member of the household whom she met
every day at table, and who, as she or any one else could see, was none
too happy or hopeful.</p>
<p>Six months went by. I had learned two things; first, that Mary Leavenworth
loved her position as prospective heiress to a large fortune above every
other earthly consideration; and secondly, that she was in the possession
of a secret which endangered that position. What this was, I had for some
time no means of knowing. But when later I became convinced it was one of
love, I grew hopeful, strange as it may seem. For by this time I had
learned Mr. Leavenworth's disposition almost as perfectly as that of his
niece, and knew that in a matter of this kind he would be uncompromising;
and that in the clashing of these two wills something might occur which
would give me a hold upon her. The only thing that troubled me was the
fact that I did not know the name of the man in whom she was interested.
But chance soon favored me here. One day—a month ago now—I sat
down to open Mr. Leavenworth's mail as usual. One letter—shall I
ever forget it? ran thus:</p>
<p>"HOFFMAN HOUSE,</p>
<p>"March 1, 1876."</p>
<p>MR. HORATIO LEAVENWORTH:</p>
<p>"DEAR SIR,—You have a niece whom you love and trust, one, too, who
seems worthy of all the love and trust that you or any other man can give
her; so beautiful, so charming, so tender is she in face, form, manner,
and conversation. But, dear sir, every rose has its thorn, and your rose
is no exception to this rule. Lovely as she is, charming as she is, tender
as she is, she is not only capable of trampling on the rights of one who
trusted her, but of bruising the heart and breaking the spirit of him to
whom she owes all duty, honor, and observance.</p>
<p>"If you don't believe this, ask her to her cruel, bewitching face, who and
what is her humble servant, and yours.</p>
<p>"Henry Ritchie Clavering."</p>
<p>If a bombshell had exploded at my feet, or the evil one himself appeared
at my call, I would not have been more astounded. Not only was the name
signed to these remarkable words unknown to me, but the epistle itself was
that of one who felt himself to be her master: a position which, as you
know, I was myself aspiring to occupy. For a few minutes, then, I stood a
prey to feelings of the bitterest wrath and despair; then I grew calm,
realizing that with this letter in my possession I was virtually the
arbitrator of her destiny. Some men would have sought her there and then
and, by threatening to place it in her uncle's hand, won from her a look
of entreaty, if no more; but I—well, my plans went deeper than that.
I knew she would have to be in extremity before I could hope to win her.
She must feel herself slipping over the edge of the precipice before she
would clutch at the first thing offering succor. I decided to allow the
letter to pass into my employer's hands. But it had been opened! How could
I manage to give it to him in this condition without exciting his
suspicion? I knew of but one way; to let him see me open it for what he
would consider the first time. So, waiting till he came into the room, I
approached him with the letter, tearing off the end of the envelope as I
came. Opening it, I gave a cursory glance at its contents and tossed it
down on the table before him.</p>
<p>"That appears to be of a private character," said I, "though there is no
sign to that effect on the envelope."</p>
<p>He took it up while I stood there. At the first word he started, looked at
me, seemed satisfied from my expression that I had not read far enough to
realize its nature, and, whirling slowly around in his chair, devoured the
remainder in silence. I waited a moment, then withdrew to my own desk. One
minute, two minutes passed in silence; he was evidently rereading the
letter; then he hurriedly rose and left the room. As he passed me I caught
a glimpse of his face in the mirror. The expression I saw there did not
tend to lessen the hope that was rising in my breast.</p>
<p>By following him almost immediately up-stairs I ascertained that he went
directly to Mary's room, and when in a few hours later the family
collected around the dinner table, I perceived, almost without looking up,
that a great and insurmountable barrier had been raised between him and
his favorite niece.</p>
<p>Two days passed; days that were for me one long and unrelieved suspense.
Had Mr. Leavenworth answered that letter? Would it all end as it had
begun, without the appearance of the mysterious Clavering on the scene? I
could not tell.</p>
<p>Meanwhile my monotonous work went on, grinding my heart beneath its
relentless wheel. I wrote and wrote and wrote, till it seemed as if my
life blood went from me with every drop of ink I used. Always alert and
listening, I dared not lift my head or turn my eyes at any unusual sound,
lest I should seem to be watching. The third night I had a dream; I have
already told Mr. Raymond what it was, and hence will not repeat it here.
One correction, however, I wish to make in regard to it. In my statement
to him I declared that the face of the man whom I saw lift his hand
against my employer was that of Mr. Clavering. I lied when I said this.
The face seen by me in my dream was my own. It was that fact which made it
so horrible to me. In the crouching figure stealing warily down-stairs, I
saw as in a glass the vision of my own form. Otherwise my account of the
matter was true.</p>
<p>This vision had a tremendous effect upon me. Was it a premonition? a
forewarning of the way in which I was to win this coveted creature for my
own? Was the death of her uncle the bridge by which the impassable gulf
between us might be spanned? I began to think it might be; to consider the
possibilities which could make this the only path to my elysium; even went
so far as to picture her lovely face bending gratefully towards me through
the glare of a sudden release from some emergency in which she stood. One
thing was sure; if that was the way I must go, I had at least been taught
how to tread it; and all through the dizzy, blurred day that followed, I
saw, as I sat at my work, repeated visions of that stealthy, purposeful
figure stealing down the stairs and entering with uplifted pistol into the
unconscious presence of my employer. I even found myself a dozen times
that day turning my eyes upon the door through which it was to come,
wondering how long it would be before my actual form would pause there.
That the moment was at hand I did not imagine. Even when I left him that
night after drinking with him the glass of sherry mentioned at the
inquest, I had no idea the hour of action was so near. But when, not three
minutes after going upstairs, I caught the sound of a lady's dress
rustling through the hall, and listening, heard Mary Leavenworth pass my
door on her way to the library, I realized that the fatal hour was come;
that something was going to be said or done in that room which would make
this deed necessary. What? I determined to ascertain. Casting about in my
mind for the means of doing so, I remembered that the ventilator running
up through the house opened first into the passage-way connecting Mr.
Leavenworth's bedroom and library, and, secondly, into the closet of the
large spare room adjoining mine. Hastily unlocking the door of the
communication between the rooms, I took my position in the closet.
Instantly the sound of voices reached my ears; all was open below, and
standing there, I was as much an auditor of what went on between Mary and
her uncle as if I were in the library itself. And what did I hear? Enough
to assure me my suspicions were correct; that it was a moment of vital
interest to her; that Mr. Leavenworth, in pursuance of a threat evidently
made some time since, was in the act of taking steps to change his will,
and that she had come to make an appeal to be forgiven her fault and
restored to his favor. What that fault was, I did not learn. No mention
was made of Mr. Clavering as her husband. I only heard her declare that
her action had been the result of impulse, rather than love; that she
regretted it, and desired nothing more than to be free from all
obligations to one she would fain forget, and be again to her uncle what
she was before she ever saw this man. I thought, fool that I was, it was a
mere engagement she was alluding to, and took the insanest hope from these
words; and when, in a moment later I heard her uncle reply, in his
sternest tone, that she had irreparably forfeited her claims to his regard
and favor, I did not need her short and bitter cry of shame and
disappointment, or that low moan for some one to help her, for me to sound
his death-knell in my heart. Creeping back to my own room, I waited till I
heard her reascend, then I stole forth. Calm as I had ever been in my
life, I went down the stairs just as I had seen myself do in my dream, and
knocking lightly at the library door, went in. Mr. Leavenworth was sitting
in his usual place writing.</p>
<p>"Excuse me," said I as he looked up, "I have lost my memorandum-book, and
think it possible I may have dropped it in the passage-way when I went for
the wine." He bowed, and I hurried past him into the closet. Once there, I
proceeded rapidly into the room beyond, procured the pistol, returned, and
almost before I realized what I was doing, had taken up my position behind
him, aimed, and fired. The result was what you know. Without a groan his
head fell forward on his hands, and Mary Leavenworth was the virtual
possessor of the thousands she coveted.</p>
<p>My first thought was to procure the letter he was writing. Approaching the
table, I tore it out from under his hands, looked at it, saw that it was,
as I expected, a summons to his lawyer, and thrust it into my pocket,
together with the letter from Mr. Clavering, which I perceived lying
spattered with blood on the table before me. Not till this was done did I
think of myself, or remember the echo which that low, sharp report must
have made in the house. Dropping the pistol at the side of the murdered
man, I stood ready to shriek to any one who entered that Mr. Leavenworth
had killed himself. But I was saved from committing such a folly. The
report had not been heard, or if so, had evidently failed to create an
alarm. No one came, and I was left to contemplate my work undisturbed and
decide upon the best course to be taken to avoid detection. A moment's
study of the wound made in his head by the bullet convinced me of the
impossibility of passing the affair off as a suicide, or even the work of
a burglar. To any one versed in such matters it was manifestly a murder,
and a most deliberate one. My one hope, then, lay in making it as
mysterious as it was deliberate, by destroying all due to the motive and
manner of the deed. Picking up the pistol, I carried it into the other
room with the intention of cleaning it, but finding nothing there to do it
with, came back for the handkerchief I had seen lying on the floor at Mr.
Leavenworth's feet. It was Miss Eleanore's, but I did not know it till I
had used it to clean the barrel; then the sight of her initials in one
corner so shocked me I forgot to clean the cylinder, and only thought of
how I could do away with this evidence of her handkerchief having been
employed for a purpose so suspicious. Not daring to carry it from the
room, I sought for means to destroy it; but finding none, compromised the
matter by thrusting it deep down behind the cushion of one of the chairs,
in the hope of being able to recover and burn it the next day. This done,
I reloaded the pistol, locked it up, and prepared to leave the room. But
here the horror which usually follows such deeds struck me like a
thunderbolt and made me for the first time uncertain in my action. I
locked the door on going out, something I should never have done. Not till
I reached the top of the stairs did I realize my folly; and then it was
too late, for there before me, candle in hand, and surprise written on
every feature of her face, stood Hannah, one of the servants, looking at
me.</p>
<p>"Lor, sir, where have you been?" she cried, but strange to say, in a low
tone. "You look as if you had seen a ghost." And her eyes turned
suspiciously to the key which I held in my hand.</p>
<p>I felt as if some one had clutched me round the throat. Thrusting the key
into my pocket, I took a step towards her. "I will tell you what I have
seen if you will come down-stairs," I whispered; "the ladies will be
disturbed if we talk here," and smoothing my brow as best I could, I put
out my hand and drew her towards me. What my motive was I hardly knew; the
action was probably instinctive; but when I saw the look which came into
her face as I touched her, and the alacrity with which she prepared to
follow me, I took courage, remembering the one or two previous tokens I
had had of this girl's unreasonable susceptibility to my influence; a
susceptibility which I now felt could be utilized and made to serve my
purpose.</p>
<p>Taking her down to the parlor floor, I drew her into the depths of the
great drawing-room, and there told her in the least alarming way possible
what had happened to Mr. Leavenworth. She was of course intensely
agitated, but she did not scream;—the novelty of her position
evidently bewildering her—and, greatly relieved, I went on to say
that I did not know who committed the deed, but that folks would declare
it was I if they knew I had been seen by her on the stairs with the
library key in my hand. "But I won't tell," she whispered, trembling
violently in her fright and eagerness. "I will keep it to myself. I will
say I didn't see anybody." But I soon convinced her that she could never
keep her secret if the police once began to question her, and, following
up my argument with a little cajolery, succeeded after a long while in
winning her consent to leave the house till the storm should be blown
over. But that given, it was some little time before I could make her
comprehend that she must depart at once and without going back after her
things. Not till I brightened up her wits by a promise to marry her some
day if she only obeyed me now, did she begin to look the thing in the face
and show any evidence of the real mother wit she evidently possessed.
"Mrs. Belden would take me in," said she, "if I could only get to R——.
She takes everybody in who asks, her; and she would keep me, too, if I
told her Miss Mary sent me. But I can't get there to-night."</p>
<p>I immediately set to work to convince her that she could. The midnight
train did not leave the city for a half-hour yet, and the distance to the
depot could be easily walked by her in fifteen minutes. But she had no
money! I easily supplied that. And she was afraid she couldn't find her
way! I entered into minutest directions. She still hesitated, but at
length consented to go, and with some further understanding of the method
I was to employ in communicating with her, we went down-stairs. There we
found a hat and shawl of the cook's which I put on her, and in another
moment we were in the carriage yard. "Remember, you are to say nothing of
what has occurred, no matter what happens," I whispered in parting
injunction as she turned to leave me. "Remember, you are to come and marry
me some day," she murmured in reply, throwing her arms about my neck. The
movement was sudden, and it was probably at this time she dropped the
candle she had unconsciously held clenched in her hand till now. I
promised her, and she glided out of the gate.</p>
<p>Of the dreadful agitation that followed the disappearance of this girl I
can give no better idea than by saying I not only committed the additional
error of locking up the house on my re-entrance, but omitted to dispose of
the key then in my pocket by flinging it into the street or dropping it in
the hall as I went up. The fact is, I was so absorbed by the thought of
the danger I stood in from this girl, I forgot everything else. Hannah's
pale face, Hannah's look of terror, as she turned from my side and flitted
down the street, were continually before me. I could not escape them; the
form of the dead man lying below was less vivid. It was as though I were
tied in fancy to this woman of the white face fluttering down the midnight
streets. That she would fail in something—come back or be brought
back—that I should find her standing white and horror-stricken on
the front steps when I went down in the morning, was like a nightmare to
me. I began to think no other result possible; that she never would or
could win her way unchallenged to that little cottage in a distant
village; that I had but sent a trailing flag of danger out into the world
with this wretched girl;—danger that would come back to me with the
first burst of morning light!</p>
<p>But even those thoughts faded after a while before the realization of the
peril I was in as long as the key and papers remained in my possession.
How to get rid of them! I dared not leave my room again, or open my
window. Some one might see me and remember it. Indeed I was afraid to move
about in my room. Mr. Leavenworth might hear me. Yes, my morbid terror had
reached that point—I was fearful of one whose ears I myself had
forever closed, imagined him in his bed beneath and wakeful to the least
sound.</p>
<p>But the necessity of doing something with these evidences of guilt finally
overcame this morbid anxiety, and drawing the two letters from my pocket—I
had not yet undressed—I chose out the most dangerous of the two,
that written by Mr. Leavenworth himself, and, chewing it till it was mere
pulp, threw it into a corner; but the other had blood on it, and nothing,
not even the hope of safety, could induce me to put it to my lips. I was
forced to lie with it clenched in my hand, and the flitting image of
Hannah before my eyes, till the slow morning broke. I have heard it said
that a year in heaven seems like a day; I can easily believe it. I know
that an hour in hell seems an eternity!</p>
<p>But with daylight came hope. Whether it was that the sunshine glancing on
the wall made me think of Mary and all I was ready to do for her sake, or
whether it was the mere return of my natural stoicism in the presence of
actual necessity, I cannot say. I only know that I arose calm and master
of myself. The problem of the letter and key had solved itself also. Hide
them? I would not try to! Instead of that I would put them in plain sight,
trusting to that very fact for their being overlooked. Making the letter
up into lighters, I carried them into the spare room and placed them in a
vase. Then, taking the key in my hand, went down-stairs, intending to
insert it in the lock of the library door as I went by. But Miss Eleanore
descending almost immediately behind me made this impossible. I succeeded,
however, in thrusting it, without her knowledge, among the filagree work
of the gas-fixture in the second hall, and thus relieved, went down into
the breakfast room as self-possessed a man as ever crossed its threshold.
Mary was there, looking exceedingly pale and disheartened, and as I met
her eye, which for a wonder turned upon me as I entered, I could almost
have laughed, thinking of the deliverance that had come to her, and of the
time when I should proclaim myself to be the man who had accomplished it.</p>
<p>Of the alarm that speedily followed, and my action at that time and
afterwards, I need not speak in detail. I behaved just as I would have
done if I had had no hand in the murder. I even forbore to touch the key
or go to the spare room, or make any movement which I was not willing all
the world should see. For as things stood, there was not a shadow of
evidence against me in the house; neither was I, a hard-working,
uncomplaining secretary, whose passion for one of his employer's nieces
was not even mistrusted by the lady herself, a person to be suspected of
the crime which threw him out of a fair situation. So I performed all the
duties of my position, summoning the police, and going for Mr. Veeley,
just as I would have done if those hours between me leaving Mr.
Leavenworth for the first time and going down to breakfast in the morning
had been blotted from my consciousness.</p>
<p>And this was the principle upon which I based my action at the inquest.
Leaving that half-hour and its occurrences out of the question, I resolved
to answer such questions as might be put me as truthfully as I could; the
great fault with men situated as I was usually being that they lied too
much, thus committing themselves on unessential matters. But alas, in thus
planning for my own safety, I forgot one thing, and that was the dangerous
position in which I should thus place Mary Leavenworth as the one
benefited by the crime. Not till the inference was drawn by a juror, from
the amount of wine found in Mr. Leavenworth's glass in the morning, that
he had come to his death shortly after my leaving him, did I realize what
an opening I had made for suspicion in her direction by admitting that I
had heard a rustle on the stair a few minutes after going up. That all
present believed it to have been made by Eleanore, did not reassure me.
She was so completely disconnected with the crime I could not imagine
suspicion holding to her for an instant. But Mary—If a curtain had
been let down before me, pictured with the future as it has since
developed, I could not have seen more plainly what her position would be,
if attention were once directed towards her. So, in the vain endeavor to
cover up my blunder, I began to lie. Forced to admit that a shadow of
disagreement had been lately visible between Mr. Leavenworth and one of
his nieces, I threw the burden of it upon Eleanore, as the one best able
to bear it. The consequences were more serious than I anticipated.
Direction had been given to suspicion which every additional evidence that
now came up seemed by some strange fatality to strengthen. Not only was it
proved that Mr. Leavenworth's own pistol had been used in the
assassination, and that too by a person then in the house, but I myself
was brought to acknowledge that Eleanore had learned from me, only a
little while before, how to load, aim, and fire this very pistol—a
coincidence mischievous enough to have been of the devil's own making.</p>
<p>Seeing all this, my fear of what the ladies would admit when questioned
became very great. Let them in their innocence acknowledge that, upon my
ascent, Mary had gone to her uncle's room for the purpose of persuading
him not to carry into effect the action he contemplated, and what
consequences might not ensue! I was in a torment of apprehension. But
events of which I had at that time no knowledge had occurred to influence
them. Eleanore, with some show of reason, as it seems, not only suspected
her cousin of the crime, but had informed her of the fact, and Mary,
overcome with terror at finding there was more or less circumstantial
evidence supporting the suspicion, decided to deny whatever told against
herself, trusting to Eleanore's generosity not to be contradicted. Nor was
her confidence misplaced. Though, by the course she took, Eleanore was
forced to deepen the prejudice already rife against herself, she not only
forbore to contradict her cousin, but when a true answer would have
injured her, actually refused to return any, a lie being something she
could not utter, even to save one especially endeared to her.</p>
<p>This conduct of hers had one effect upon me. It aroused my admiration and
made me feel that here was a woman worth helping if assistance could be
given without danger to myself. Yet I doubt if my sympathy would have led
me into doing anything, if I had not perceived, by the stress laid upon
certain well-known matters, that actual danger hovered about us all while
the letter and key remained in the house. Even before the handkerchief was
produced, I had made up my mind to attempt their destruction; but when
that was brought up and shown, I became so alarmed I immediately rose and,
making my way under some pretence or other to the floors above, snatched
the key from the gas-fixture, the lighters from the vase, and hastening
with them down the hall to Mary Leavenworth's room, went in under the
expectation of finding a fire there in which to destroy them. But, to my
heavy disappointment, there were only a few smoldering ashes in the grate,
and, thwarted in my design, I stood hesitating what to do, when I heard
some one coming up-stairs. Alive to the consequences of being found in
that room at that time, I cast the lighters into the grate and started for
the door. But in the quick move I made, the key flew from my hand and slid
under a chair. Aghast at the mischance, I paused, but the sound of
approaching steps increasing, I lost all control over myself and fled from
the room. And indeed I had no time to lose. I had barely reached my own
door when Eleanore Leavenworth, followed by two servants, appeared at the
top of the staircase and proceeded towards the room I had just left. The
sight reassured me; she would see the key, and take some means of
disposing of it; and indeed I always supposed her to have done so, for no
further word of key or letter ever came to my ears. This may explain why
the questionable position in which Eleanore soon found herself awakened in
me no greater anxiety. I thought the suspicions of the police rested upon
nothing more tangible than the peculiarity of her manner at the inquest
and the discovery of her handkerchief on the scene of the tragedy. I did
not know they possessed what might be called absolute proof of her
connection with the crime. But if I had, I doubt if my course would have
been any different. Mary's peril was the one thing capable of influencing
me, and she did not appear to be in peril. On the contrary, every one, by
common consent, seemed to ignore all appearance of guilt on her part. If
Mr. Gryce, whom I soon learned to fear, had given one sign of suspicion,
or Mr. Raymond, whom I speedily recognized as my most persistent though
unconscious foe, had betrayed the least distrust of her, I should have
taken warning. But they did not, and, lulled into a false security by
their manner, I let the days go by without suffering any fears on her
account. But not without many anxieties for myself. Hannah's existence
precluded all sense of personal security. Knowing the determination of the
police to find her, I trod the verge of an awful suspense continually.</p>
<p>Meantime the wretched certainty was forcing itself upon me that I had
lost, instead of gained, a hold on Mary Leavenworth. Not only did she
evince the utmost horror of the deed which had made her mistress of her
uncle's wealth, but, owing, as I believed, to the influence of Mr.
Raymond, soon gave evidence that she was losing, to a certain extent, the
characteristics of mind and heart which had made me hopeful of winning her
by this deed of blood. This revelation drove me almost insane. Under the
terrible restraint forced upon me, I walked my weary round in a state of
mind bordering on frenzy. Many and many a time have I stopped in my work,
wiped my pen and laid it down with the idea that I could not repress
myself another moment, but I have always taken it up again and gone on
with my task. Mr. Raymond has sometimes shown his wonder at my sitting in
my dead employer's chair. Great heaven! it was my only safeguard. By
keeping the murder constantly before my mind, I was enabled to restrain
myself from any inconsiderate action.</p>
<p>At last there came a time when my agony could be no longer suppressed.
Going down the stairs one evening with Mr. Raymond, I saw a strange
gentleman standing in the reception room, looking at Mary Leavenworth in a
way that would have made my blood boil, even if I had not heard him
whisper these words: "But you are my wife, and know it, whatever you may
say or do!"</p>
<p>It was the lightning-stroke of my life. After what I had done to make her
mine, to hear another claim her as already his own, was stunning,
maddening! It forced a demonstration from me. I had either to yell in my
fury or deal the man beneath some tremendous blow in my hatred. I did not
dare to shriek, so I struck the blow. Demanding his name from Mr. Raymond,
and hearing that it was, as I expected, Clavering, I flung caution,
reason, common sense, all to the winds, and in a moment of fury denounced
him as the murderer of Mr. Leavenworth.</p>
<p>The next instant I would have given worlds to recall my words. What had I
done but drawn attention to myself in thus accusing a man against whom
nothing could of course be proved! But recall now was impossible. So,
after a night of thought, I did the next best thing: gave a superstitious
reason for my action, and so restored myself to my former position without
eradicating from the mind of Mr. Raymond that vague doubt of the man which
my own safety demanded. But I had no intention of going any further, nor
should I have done so if I had not observed that for some reason Mr.
Raymond was willing to suspect Mr. Clavering. But that once seen, revenge
took possession of me, and I asked myself if the burden of this crime
could be thrown on this man. Still I do not believe that any active
results would have followed this self-questioning if I had not overheard a
whispered conversation between two of the servants, in which I learned
that Mr. Clavering had been seen to enter the house on the night of the
murder, but was not seen to leave it. That determined me. With such a fact
for a starting-point, what might I not hope to accomplish? Hannah alone
stood in my way. While she remained alive I saw nothing but ruin before
me. I made up my mind to destroy her and satisfy my hatred of Mr.
Clavering at one blow. But how? By what means could I reach her without
deserting my post, or make away with her without exciting fresh suspicion?
The problem seemed insolvable; but Trueman Harwell had not played the part
of a machine so long without result. Before I had studied the question a
day, light broke upon it, and I saw that the only way to accomplish my
plans was to inveigle her into destroying herself.</p>
<p>No sooner had this thought matured than I hastened to act upon it. Knowing
the tremendous risk I ran, I took every precaution. Locking myself up in
my room, I wrote her a letter in printed characters—she having
distinctly told me she could not read writing—in which I played upon
her ignorance, foolish fondness, and Irish superstition, by telling her I
dreamed of her every night and wondered if she did of me; was afraid she
didn't, so enclosed her a little charm, which, if she would use according
to directions, would give her the most beautiful visions. These directions
were for her first to destroy my letter by burning it, next to take in her
hand the packet I was careful to enclose, swallow the powder accompanying
it, and go to bed. The powder was a deadly dose of poison and the packet
was, as you know, a forged confession falsely criminating Henry Clavering.
Enclosing all these in an envelope in the corner of which I had marked a
cross, I directed it, according to agreement, to Mrs. Belden, and sent it.</p>
<p>Then followed the greatest period of suspense I had yet endured. Though I
had purposely refrained from putting my name to the letter, I felt that
the chances of detection were very great. Let her depart in the least
particular from the course I had marked out for her, and fatal results
must ensue. If she opened the enclosed packet, mistrusted the powder, took
Mrs. Belden into her confidence, or even failed to burn my letter, all
would be lost. I could not be sure of her or know the result of my scheme
except through the newspapers. Do you think I kept watch of the
countenances about me? devoured the telegraphic news, or started when the
bell rang? And when, a few days since, I read that short paragraph in the
paper which assured me that my efforts had at least produced the death of
the woman I feared, do you think I experienced any sense of relief?</p>
<p>But of that why speak? In six hours had come the summons from Mr. Gryce,
and—let these prison walls, this confession itself, tell the rest. I
am no longer capable of speech or action.</p>
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