<h2 class="roman"><SPAN name="XXII" id="XXII"></SPAN>XXII</h2>
<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a solicitor—with certain reservations.</p>
<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">I concluded</span> my foregoing instalment, narrating my service of a writ for
breaching a promise of marriage, with a spirited outburst of
<i>insouciance</i> and devilmaycarefulness.</p>
<p>But such courage of a Dutch evaporated deplorably on closer perusal of
the said writ, which contained the peremptory mandate that I was to
enter my appearance within the incredibly short notice of eight days, or
the judgment would be given in my absence!</p>
<p>Now it was totally out of the question that I was to prepare a long
complicated defence, and have the requisite witnesses, and also perfect
myself in the customs and etiquettes of Common Law Procedure, all in
such a ridiculously brief period; and yet, if I remained <i>perdu</i> with a
hidden head, I could not hope for even the minimum of justice, since,
heigh-ho! <i>les absents ont toujours tort</i>. So that I shed blistering and
scalding tears like a spanked child, to find myself confronting such a
devil of a deep sea, and my day was dismal and my night a nonentity,
until, by a great piece of potluck, on going up
<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_174" id="Page_174"></SPAN></span> the next morning to the
library of my Inn, I espied my young friend <span class="smcap">Howard</span> in the compound,
busily employed in a lawn tennis game.</p>
<p>Having partially poured the cat from my bag already into his sympathetic
and receptive bosom, I decided to confide to him my hard case in its
entirety, and so made him a secret sign that I desired some private
confabulations at his earliest conveniency, which he observing, after
the termination of the match, came towards the remote bench whereon I
was forlornly moping, and sat down kindly by my side.</p>
<p>This young <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span>, I am to mention here, had only just missed
succeeding in the passing of Bar Exam owing to the inveterate malignancy
of his stars and lack of a more industrial temperament; but from the
coolness of his cheek, and complete man-of-the-worldliness, is a most
judicious and tip-top adviser to friends in tight places.</p>
<p><i>Experto crede</i>, for, when he had heard the latest particulars of my
shocking <i>imbroglio</i>, he promptly gave me the excellent advice that I
was to consult a solicitor; strongly recommending a Mr <span class="smcap">Sidney Smartle</span>,
who was a former schoolmate of his own, and a good thundering chap, and
who (he thought) was not so overburdened as yet by legal business that
he could not find time for working the oracle on my behalf.</p>
<p>"And look here, <span class="smcap">Jab</span>," he added (he has sometimes
<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_175" id="Page_175"></SPAN></span> the extreme
condescension to address me as an abbreviation), "I'll trot you up to
him at once—and I say, A 1 idea! tell him you mean to be your own
counsel, and do all the speechifying yourself. Native prince, in
brand-new wig and gown, defending himself single-handed from wiles of
artful adventuress—why, you'll knock the jury as if with old boots!"</p>
<p>"Alack," said I, sorrowfully; "though I am quite competent to become the
stump orator at shortest notice, I do not see how I can enter my first
appearance until I have carefully instructed Misters <span class="smcap">Ram</span> and <span class="smcap">Jalpanybhoy</span>
in the evidence they are to give and leave untold, &c., and a week is
too scanty and fugitive a period for such preparations!"</p>
<p>"Nonsense and stuff!" he replies, "you will have a lot more than that,
since the week only applies to entering an appearance—which is a mere
farcical formality that old <span class="smcap">Sid</span> can perform in your place on his head."
At which I was greatly relieved.</p>
<p>But on arrival at Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle's</span> office in Chancery Lane, we were
disappointed to be informed, by a small, juvenile clerk, that he was
absent at Wimbledon on urgent professional affairs, and his return was
the unknown quantity. However, after waiting till close upon the hour of
tiffin, he unexpectedly turned up in a suit of knickerbockers, carrying
a long, narrow bag full of metal-headed rods, and although rather adolescent
<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_176" id="Page_176"></SPAN></span>than senile
in physical appearance I was vastly impressed by the offhanded cocksurety of his manner.</p>
<p>My friend <span class="smcap">Howard</span> introduced me, and exhibited my doleful predicament in
the shell of a nut, whereupon Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span> jauntily pronounced it to be
the common garden breach of promise, but that we had better all repair
to the First Avenue Hotel and lunch, and talk the affair over
afterwards.</p>
<p>Which we did in the smoking-room after lunch, with coffee, liqueurs, and
cigars, &c., for which I had to pay, as a Tommy Dod, and the odd man out
of pocket.</p>
<p>Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span>, after listening attentively to my narrative, said that I
certainly seemed to him to have let myself into the deuced cavity of a
hole by so publicly proclaiming my engagement, but that my status as an
oriental foreigner, and the fact I had asserted—viz., that my promise
was extorted from me by compulsion and sheer physical funkiness—might
pull me through, unless the plaintiff were of superlative loveliness
(which, fortunately, is by no means the case).</p>
<p>He added, that we had better engage <span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., as he was
notoriously the crossest examiner at the Common Bar.</p>
<p>But to this I opposed the <i>sine quâ non</i> that I am to have the sole
control of my case in court, and reap the undivided <i>kudos</i>, assuring
him that I should be able to cross-examine all witnesses
<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_177" id="Page_177"></SPAN></span> until they
could not stand on one leg. From some private motives of his own, he
sought to overcome my determination, hinting that, as my calling and
election to the Bar were not yet an ancient history, I might not possess
sufficient experience; and moreover that, by appearing in barristerial
garbage, I should infallibly forfeit the indulgence shown by a judge to
ordinary litigants; to which I responded by pointing out that I was a
typical Indian in the matter of legal subtlety and ready-made wit, and
that, if not capable of conducting my <i>own</i> case, how, then, could I be
fit to undertake a logomachy for any third parties? finally, that it is
proverbially unnecessary to keep a dog when you are equally proficient
in the practice of barking yourself.</p>
<p>Whereupon, silenced by my <i>a fortiori</i> and <i>reductio ad absurdum</i>, he
gave way, saying that it was my own affair, and, anyhow, there would be
plenty of time to consider such a matter, since the plaintiff might not
choose to do anything further till after the Long Vacation, and we could
easily postpone the hearing of the action until the Midsummer of next
year.</p>
<p>I, however, earnestly protested that I did not wish so procrastinated a
delay, as I desired to make my forensic <i>début</i> at the earliest possible
moment, and urged him to leave no stone unturned to get the job finished
by November at least, suggesting that if we could ascertain
<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_178" id="Page_178"></SPAN></span> the name
and address of the judge who was to try the case, I might call upon him,
and, in a private and confidential interview, ascertain the extent of
his disposition in my favour, and the length of his foot.</p>
<p>To which Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span> replied that he could not recommend any such
tactics, as I should certainly ascertain the dimensions of the judicial
foot in a literal and painful manner.</p>
<p>Now I must conclude with a livelier piece of intelligence: I am now in
receipt of the wished-for invitation to visit the <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> family
at the elegant mansion (or—to speak Scottishly—"manse") they have
hired for a few weeks in the savage and romantic mountains of Ayrshire,
N.B.</p>
<p>Mrs A.-I. wrote that there is no shooting attached to the manse, but
several aristocratic friends of theirs own moors in the vicinity, and
will inevitably invite them and their visitors to sport with them, so
that, as she believed I was the keen sportsman, I had better bring my
gun.</p>
<p>Alack! I am not the happy possessor of any lethal weapon, but, having
since this invitation practised diligently upon tin moving beasts,
bottles, and eggs rendered incredibly lively by a jet of steam, I am at
last an <i>au fait</i> with a crackshot, and no end of a Nimrod.</p>
<p>I do not think I shall purchase a gun, for there is a young English
acquaintance of mine who is the Devil's Own Volunteer, and who will
<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_181" id="Page_181"></SPAN></span>
no doubt have the good nature to lend me his rifle for a week or two.</p>
<p>As to costume, my tailor assures me that it is totally unnecessary to
assume the national raiment of a Scotch, unless I am prepared to stalk
after a stag. But why should I be deterred by any cowardly fear from
pursuing so constitutionally timid a quadruped? I have therefore
commissioned him to manufacture me a petticoat kilt, with a chequered
tartan, and other accessories, for when we are going to Rome, it is the
mark of politeness to dress in the Romish style.</p>
<p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_179" id="Page_179"></SPAN></span></p>
<div class="figcenter"><SPAN name='p179'></SPAN> <ANTIMG src="images/p179.jpg" width-obs="379" height-obs="700" alt="Would be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee-caps."> <p class="center"> <span class="caption">"WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE SIMPLE ADDITION OF SOME KNEE-CAPS."</span></p> </div>
<p>The Caledonian costume is indubitably becoming; but would, I venture
humbly to think, be greatly improved by the simple addition of some
knee-caps.</p>
<hr style="width: 65%;">
<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</SPAN></span>
<div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />