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<h2>COACHING FROM THE SIDE-LINES</h2> <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/i_095.png" width-obs="210" alt="cliffside with lots of signs" /></div> Thanks to the roadside advertisements, driving a car has become as easy as playing a pianola. You just watch the instructions that appear along the edge, and regulate your levers and pedals accordingly. Thus, when you see: DANGEROUS CURVE Sound Raspon —you reach instinctively for the button of your electric horn. Later, seeing: SHARP DESCENT Apply Eureka Non-Slip-able Brake —you comply gracefully. A mere twist of the[Pg 96] wrist or dislocation of the ankle does the trick. He that reads may run. Any man who has ever watched an organist pull out stops and push them in again can become a motor virtuoso. Any woman accustomed to following instructions in cutting out a dress pattern, can grasp the idea as easily as, when told to, she grasps the lever which operates <cite>Bingo's Northpolean Radiator Cooler</cite>. It is so simple that it is imbecile. Every peculiarity of the route is heralded. All its little irregularities, its deviations from straightness, its bad declines and sudden uppishnesses, even the small faults which an easy-going person would overlook, are held up sternly in warning. GUSTY CORNER Raise Breez-o Extension Wind-Shield <hr /> SANDY STRETCH Spray Gears With Anti-Grit <hr /> PUDDLES [Pg 97] Apply Splashol Emergency Mud-Guard <hr /> RAILROAD CROSSING Put Ear To Locomotive Detectaphone <hr /> DANGEROUS BOULDER Before Ramming This Make Sure Achilles Collision Buffer Is Properly Adjusted <hr /> VILLAGE SPEED TRAP Apply Backfire With Ready Constable Exterminator Occasionally, as a relief from the faults of the road, its favorable points are dwelt on. Thus, MOUNTAIN VIEW Enjoy it Through Auto-Flex Non-Refractory Goggles In general, however, the emphasis is upon the perils of the way, as— Only 1 Mile to HOTEL SOAKUM (Here no specific instructions are given, it being understood that the accessory involved[Pg 98] is one's pocketbook and that the directions are: "<cite>Open All the Way.</cite>") The system has one drawback. The signs never fail, yet there is such a thing as trusting them too implicity. I knew a man who, as the result of trying to obey seven signs telling him to "<cite>Be Sure to Dine At</cite>" as many different inns, stripped the lining of his esophagus. And I knew of another man—a timid, earnest, nervous old gentleman—who depended on signs so completely that one day, at a dangerous part of the road, being suddenly confronted with the command: USE PLEXO he fell into a panic. "Plexo, plexo!" he muttered in bewilderment. "Where is the plexo lever? I can't find the plexo button! Something terrible will happen unless I find it." It did. As, with trembling fingers, he fumbled through the entire outfit of attachments, he forgot to steer, and unluckily ran off the edge of a precipice; so that he did not live to learn that plexo was a massage cream. <hr class="chap" /> [Pg 99] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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