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Excuse Me! (Dramatic Reading)

237 <h3 class="p6">CHAPTER XXXIII FRESH TROUBLE DAILY</h3> The following morning the daylight creeping into section number one found Ira and Anne staring at each other. Ira was tousled and Anne was unkempt, but her blush still gave her cheek at least an Indian summer glow. After a violent effort to reach the space between her shoulder blades, she was compelled to appeal to her new master to act as her new maid. "Oh, Mr. Lathrop," she stammered—"Ira," she corrected, "won't you please hook me up?" she pleaded. Ira beamed with a second childhood boyishness: "I'll do my best, my little ootsum-tootsums, it's the first time I ever tried it." "Oh, I'm so glad," Anne sighed, "it's the first time I ever was hooked up by a gentleman." He gurgled with joy and, forgetting the poverty of space, tried to reach her lips to kiss her. He almost broke her neck and bumped his head so hard that instead of saying, as he intended, "My darling," he said, "Oh, hell!" 238 "Ira!" she gasped. But he, with all the proprietorship he had assumed, answered cheerily: "You'll have to get used to it, ducky darling. I could never learn not to swear." He proved the fact again and again by the remarks he addressed to certain refractory hooks. He apologized, but she felt more like apologizing for herself. "Oh, Ira," she said, "I'm so ashamed to have you see me like this—the first morning." "Well, you haven't got anything on me—I'm not shaved." "You don't have to tell me that," she said, rubbing her smarting cheek. Then she bumped her head and gasped: "Oh—what you said." This made them feel so much at home that she attained the heights of frankness and honesty by reaching in her handbag for a knob of supplementary hair, which she affixed dextrously to what was homegrown. Ira, instead of looking shocked, loved her for her honesty, and grinned: "Now, that's where you have got something on me. Say, we're like a couple of sardines trying to make love in a tin can." "It's cosy though," she said, and then vanished through the curtains and shyly ran the gauntlet of amused glances and over-cordial "Good mornings" till she hid her blushes behind the door of the women's room and turned the key. If she had thought of it she would have said, "God bless the man that 239 invented doors—and the other angel that invented locks." The passengers this morning were all a little brisker than usual. It was the last day aboard for everybody and they showed a certain extra animation, like the inmates of an ocean liner when land has been sighted. Ashton was shaving when Ira swaggered into the men's room. Without pausing to note whom he was addressing, Ashton sang out: "Good morning. Did you rest well?" "What!" Ira roared. "Oh, excuse me!" said Ashton, hastily, devoting himself to a gash his safety razor had made in his cheek—even in that cheek of his. Ira scrubbed out the basin, filled it and tried to dive into it, slapping the cold water in double handfuls over his glowing face and puffing through it like a porpoise. Meanwhile the heavy-eyed Fosdick was slinking through the dining-car, regarded with amazement by Dr. Temple and his wife, who were already up and breakfasting. "What's the matter with the bridal couples on this train, anyway?" said Dr. Temple. "I can't imagine," said his wife, "we old couples are the only normal ones." "Some more coffee, please, mother," he said. "But your nerves," she protested. 240 "It's my vacation," he insisted. Mrs. Temple stared at him and shook her head: "I wonder what mischief you'll be up to to-day? You've already been smoking, gambling, drinking—have you been swearing, yet?" "Not yet," the old clergyman smiled, "I've been saving that up for a good occasion. Perhaps it will rise before the day's over." And his wife choked on her tea at the wonderful train-change that had come over the best man in Ypsilanti. By this time Fosdick had reached the stateroom from which he had been banished again at the Nevada state-line. He knocked cautiously. From within came an anxious voice: "Who's there?" "Whom did you expect?" Mrs. Fosdick popped her head out like a Jill in the box. "Oh, it's you, Arthur. Kiss me good morning." He glanced round stealthily and obeyed instructions: "I guess its safe—my darling." "Did you sleep, dovie?" she yawned. "Not a wink. They took off the Portland car at Granger and I had to sleep in one of the chairs in the observation room." Mrs. Fosdick shook her head at him in mournful sympathy, and asked: "What state are we in now?" "A dreadful state—Nevada." "Just what are we in Nevada?" 241 "I'm a bigamist, and you've never been married at all." "Oh, these awful divorce laws!" she moaned, then left the general for the particular: "Won't you come in and hook me up?" Fosdick looked shocked: "I don't dare compromise you." "Will you take breakfast with me—in the dining-car?" she pleaded. "Do we dare?" "We might call it luncheon," she suggested. He seized the chance: "All right, I'll go ahead and order, and you stroll in and I'll offer you the seat opposite me." "But can't you hook me up?" He was adamant: "Not till we get to California. Do you think I want to compromise my own wife? Shh! Somebody's coming!" And he darted off to the vestibule just as Mrs. Jimmie Wellington issued from number ten with hair askew, eyes only half open, and waist only half shut at the back. She made a quick spurt to the women's room, found it locked, stamped her foot, swore under her breath, and leaned against the wall of the car to wait. About the same time, the man who was still her husband according to the law, rolled out of berth number two. There was an amazing clarity to his vision. He lurched as he made his way to the men's room, but it was plainly the train's swerve and not 242 an inner lurch that twisted the forthright of his progress. He squeezed into the men's room like a whole crowd at once, and sang out, "Good morning, all!" with a wonderful heartiness. Then he paused over a wash basin, rubbed his hands gleefully and proclaimed, like another Chantecler advertising a new day: "Well—I'm sober again!" "Three cheers for you," said his rival in radiance, bridegroom Lathrop. "How does it feel?" demanded Ashton, smiling so broadly that he encountered the lather on his brush. While he sputtered Wellington was flipping water over his hot head and incidentally over Ashton. "I feel," he chortled, "I feel like the first little robin redbreast of the merry springtime. Tweet! Tweet!" When the excitement over his redemption had somewhat calmed, Ashton reopened the old topic of conversation: "Well, I see they had another scrap last night." "They—who?" said Ira, through his flying toothbrush. "The Mallorys. Once more he occupied number three and she number seven." "Well, well, I can't understand these modern marriages," said Little Jimmie, with a side glance at 243 Ira. Ira suddenly remembered the plight of the Mallorys and was tempted to defend them, but he saw the young lieutenant himself just entering the washroom. This was more than Wellington saw, for he went on talking from behind a towel: "Well, if I were a bridegroom and had a bride like that, it would take more than a quarrel to send me to another berth." The others made gestures which he could not see. His enlightenment came when Mallory snapped the towel from his hands and glared into his face with all the righteous wrath of a man hearing his domestic affairs publicly discussed. "Were you alluding to me, Mr. Wellington?" he demanded, hotly. Little Jimmie almost perished with apoplexy: "You, you?" he mumbled. "Why, of course not. You're not the only bridegroom on the train." Mallory tossed him the towel again: "You meant Mr. Lathrop then?" "Me! Not much!" roared the indignant Lathrop. Mallory returned to Wellington with a fiercer: "Whom, then?" He was in a dangerous mood, and Ashton came to the rescue: "Oh, don't mind Wellington. He's not sober yet." This inspired suggestion came like a life-buoy to the hard-pressed Wellington. He seized it and spoke thickly: "Don't mind me—I'm not shober yet." 244 "Well, it's a good thing you're not," was Mallory's final growl as he began his own toilet. The porter's bell began to ring furiously, with a touch they had already come to recognize as the Englishman's. The porter had learned to recognize it, too, and he always took double the necessary time to answer it. He was sauntering down the aisle at his most leisurely gait when Wedgewood's rumpled mane shot out from the curtains like a lion's from a jungle, and he bellowed: "Pawtah! Pawtah!" "Still on the train," said the porter. "You may give me my portmanteau." "Yassah." He dragged it from the upper berth, and set it inside Wedgewood's berth without special care as to its destination. "Does you desire anything else, sir?" "Yes, your absence," said Wedgewood. "The same to you and many of them," the porter muttered to himself, and added to Marjorie, who was just starting down the aisle: "I'll suttainly be interested in that man gittin' where he's goin' to git to." Noting that she carried Snoozleums, he said: "We're comin' into a station right soon." Without further discussion she handed him the dog, and he hobbled away. When she reached the women's door, she found Mrs. Wellington waiting with increasing exasperation: "Come, join the line at the box office," she said. 245 "Good morning. Who's in there?" said Marjorie, and Mrs. Wellington, not noting that Mrs. Whitcomb had come out of her berth and fallen into line, answered sharply: "I don't know. She's been there forever. I'm sure it's that cat of a Mrs. Whitcomb." "Good morning, Mrs. Mallory," snapped Mrs. Whitcomb. Mrs. Wellington was rather proud that the random shot landed, but Marjorie felt most uneasy between the two tigresses: "Good morning, Mrs. Whitcomb," she said. There was a disagreeable silence, broken finally by Mrs. Wellington's: "Oh, Mrs. Mallory, would you be angelic enough to hook my gown?" "Of course I will," said Marjorie. "May I hook you?" said Mrs. Whitcomb. "You're awfully kind," said Marjorie, presenting her shoulders to Mrs. Whitcomb, who asked with malicious sweetness: "Why didn't your husband do this for you this morning?" "I—I don't remember," Marjorie stammered, and Mrs. Wellington tossed over-shoulder an apothegm: "He's no husband till he's hook-broken." Just then Mrs. Fosdick came out of her stateroom. Seeing Mrs. Whitcomb's waist agape, she went at it with a brief, "Good morning, everybody. Permit me." Mrs. Wellington twisted her head to say "Good 246 morning," and to ask, "Are you hooked, Mrs. Fosdick?" "Not yet," pouted Mrs. Fosdick. "Turn round and back up," said Mrs. Wellington. After some maneuvering, the women formed a complete circle, and fingers plied hooks and eyes in a veritable Ladies' Mutual Aid Society. By now, Wedgewood was ready to appear in a bathrobe about as gaudy as the royal standard of Great Britain. He stalked down the aisle, and answered the male chorus's cheery "Good morning" with a ramlike "Baw." Ira Lathrop felt amiable even toward the foreigner, and he observed: "Glorious morning this morning." "I dare say," growled Wedgewood. "I don't go in much for mawnings—especially when I have no tub." Wellington felt called upon to squelch him: "You Englishmen never had a real tub till we Americans sold 'em to you." "I dare say," said Wedgewood indifferently. "You sell 'em. We use 'em. But, do you know, I've just thought out a ripping idea. I shall have my cold bath this mawning after all." "What are you going to do?" growled Lathrop. "Crawl in the icewater tank?" "Oh, dear, no. I shouldn't be let," and he produced from his pocket a rubber hose. "I simply 247 affix this little tube to one end of the spigot and wave the sprinklah hyah over my—er—my person." Lathrop stared at him pityingly, and demanded: "What happens to the water, then?" "What do I care?" said Wedgewood. "You durned fool, you'd flood the car." Wedgewood's high hopes withered. "I hadn't thought of that," he sighed. "I suppose I must continue just as I am till I reach San Francisco. The first thing I shall order to-night will be four cold tubs and a lemon squash." While the men continued to make themselves presentable in a huddle, the hook-and-eye society at the other end of the car finished with the four waists and Mrs. Fosdick hurried away to keep her tryst in the dining-car. The three remaining relapsed into dreary attitudes. Mrs. Wellington shook the knob of the forbidding door, and turned to complain: "What in heaven's name ails the creature in there. She must have fallen out of the window." "It's outrageous," said Marjorie, "the way women violate women's rights." Mrs. Whitcomb saw an opportunity to insert a stiletto. She observed to Marjorie, with an innocent air: "Why, Mrs. Mallory, I've even known women to lock themselves in there and smoke!" While Mrs. Wellington was rummaging her brain for a fitting retort, the door opened, and out stepped Miss Gattle, as was. 248 She blushed furiously at sight of the committee waiting to greet her, but they repented their criticisms and tried to make up for them by the excessive warmth with which they all exclaimed at once: "Good morning, Mrs. Lathrop!" "Good morning, who?" said Anne, then blushed yet redder: "Oh, I can't seem to get used to that name! I hope I haven't kept you waiting?" "Oh, not at all!" the women insisted, and Anne fled to number Six, remembered that this was no longer her home, and moved on to number One. Here the porter was just finishing his restoring tasks, and laying aside with some diffidence two garments which Anne hastily stuffed into her own valise. Meanwhile Marjorie was pushing Mrs. Wellington ahead: "You go in first, Mrs. Wellington." "You go first. I have no husband waiting for me," said Mrs. Wellington. "Oh, I insist," said Marjorie. "I couldn't think of it," persisted Mrs. Wellington. "I won't allow you." And then Mrs. Whitcomb pushed them both aside: "Pardon me, won't you? I'm getting off at Reno." "So am I," gasped Mrs. Wellington, rushing forward, only to be faced by the slam of the door and the click of the key. She whirled back to demand 249 of Marjorie: "Did you ever hear of such impudence?" "I never did." "I'll never be ready for Reno," Mrs. Wellington wailed, "and I haven't had my breakfast." "You'd better order it in advance," said Marjorie. "It takes that chef an hour to boil an egg three minutes." "I will, if I can ever get my face washed," sighed Mrs. Wellington. And now Mrs. Anne Lathrop, after much hesitation, called timidly: "Porter—porter—please!" "Yes—miss—missus!" he amended. "Will you call my—" she gulped—"my husband?" "Yes, ma'am," the porter chuckled, and putting his grinning head in at the men's door, he bowed to Ira and said: "Excuse me, but you are sent for by the lady in number One." Ashton slapped him on the back and roared: "Oh, you married man!" "Well," said Ira, in self-defence, "I don't hear anybody sending for you." Wedgewood grinned at Ashton. "I rather fancy he had you theah, old top, eh, what?" Ira appeared at number One, and bending over his treasure-trove, spoke in a voice that was pure saccharine: "Are you ready for breakfast, dear?" "Yes, Ira." 250 "Come along to the dining-car." "It's cosier here," she said. "Couldn't we have it served here?" "But it'll get all cold, and I'm hungry," pouted the old bachelor, to whom breakfast was a sacred institution. "All right, Ira," said Anne, glad to be meek; "come along," and she rose. Ira hesitated. "Still, if you'd rather, we'll eat here." He sat down. "Oh, not at all," said Anne; "we'll go where you want to go." "But I want to do what you want to do." "So do I—we'll go," said Anne. "We'll stay." "No, I insist on the dining-car." "Oh, all right, have your own way," said Ira, as if he were being bullied, and liked it. Anne smiled at the contrariness of men, and Ira smiled at the contrariness of women, and when they reached the vestibule they kissed each other in mutual forgiveness. As Wedgewood stropped an old-fashioned razor, he said to Ashton, who was putting up his safety equipment: "I say, old party, are those safety razors safe? Can't you really cut yourself?" "Cut everything but hair," said Ashton, pointing to his wounded chin. Mallory put out his hand: "Would you be kind enough to lend me your razor again this morning?" 251 "Sure thing," said Ashton. "You'll find your blade in the box there." Mallory then negotiated the loan of one more fresh shirt from the Englishman, and a clean collar from Ashton. He rejoiced that the end of the day would bring him in touch with his own baggage. Four days of foraging on the country was enough for this soldier. Also he felt, now that he and Marjorie had lived thus long, they could survive somehow till evening brought them to San Francisco, where there were hundreds of ministers. And then the conductor must ruin his early morning optimism, though he made his appearance in the washroom with genial good mornings for all. Mallory acknowledged the greeting, and asked offhandedly: "By the way, how's she running?" The conductor answered even more offhandedly: "About two hours late—and losin'." Mallory was transfixed with a new fear: "Good Lord, my transport sails at sunrise." "Oh, we ought to make 'Frisco by midnight, anyway." "Midnight, and sail at daylight!" "Unless we lose a little more time." Mallory realized that every new day managed to create its own anxieties. With the regularity of a milkman, each morning left a fresh crisis on his doorstep. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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