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Jack and the Check Book

<h3>PUSS, THE PROMOTER</h3> <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_015.jpg" width-obs="81" height-obs="100" alt="Decorative O" title="" /></div> nce upon a time, not many years ago, my children, there was a well-known captain of industry who at his death had no other legacy to leave to his three sons than fourteen bank accounts, all of them overdrawn, a couple of automobiles without any tires on their wheels, and an Angora cat which had taken several prizes at the annual cat show in New York, and upon more than one occasion had had its picture printed in the society columns of the Sunday newspapers. The eldest son took over the bank accounts,[Pg 75] and by the negotiation of several large checks among his friends, each one dated several months ahead, had managed to escape to Venezuela with a comfortable fortune, where, after several revolutions, he found himself in the President's cabinet as Secretary of the Treasury. He further enriched himself in this office by the private sale of national bonds to innocent investors, prior to his departure for Algiers, and became, before his death, a leading spirit in that interesting colony, and an influential member of the Missionary Society of East Africa. The second son took the automobiles, and with a pot of paint and eight old life-preservers, relics of the palmy days when his father was a famous yachtsman, so furbished them up that he was able to sell them f. o. b. to a couple of farmers in central Connecticut for five thousand dollars, which he invested in Steel Common when it was sulking along between 10 and 12 on a margin[Pg 76] of five per cent., and, selling out at 84-7/8, he was soon able to retire to the serene joys and quiet pleasures of the Great White Way, along whose verdured slopes he pranked and played until paresis called him at the ripe age of twenty-seven years. But to the youngest son, poor Jack Dinwiddie, by the terms of his father's will, fell only the residue of the estate after the two brothers had had their shares; in other words, the Angora cat! It was, indeed, a melancholy situation, for poor Jack, like a great many other sons of men of presumably large wealth, had studied only political economy at college, and of the domestic variety knew nothing. He was an honorary member of the Consumers' League, but of the methods of the Producers' Union he knew little, and here at the age of twenty-two he found himself fatherless, penniless, and without any visible means of support in the line of earning capacity.[Pg 77] "Well, Puss," he said, gloomily, as he gazed at his Angora cat, who was sitting on top of a pile of unpaid bills in Jack's bachelor apartment, washing his face with his right paw, "it looks to me as if we were up against it. The governor has gone to his last account, my allowance has ceased, and you are the only clear and unencumbered asset in my possession, barring this last cigarette and two matches loaned to me by a kind gentleman upon the street to whom I applied recently for a light." He paused and lit the cigarette, while Puss, unmindful of the pathos of the situation, continued his prinking, giving especial attention to his whiskers, brushing them upward from his lips until he bore a not very remote resemblance to the Kaiser himself. <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_016.jpg" width-obs="500" height-obs="362" alt=""I SUPPOSE I COULD SELL YOU, BILL"" title="" /> "I SUPPOSE I COULD SELL YOU, BILL"</div> "I suppose I could sell you, Bill," the young man went on. "Angora cats, with a pedigree dating back to Dick Whittington's time and a bunch of blue ribbons big enough to supply every prohibitionist in the Union[Pg 78] with a bowknot for the lapel of his coat, must have some market value, especially in a time like this, when anything resembling beef is worth its weight in radium; but I won't do it, old man. You've been a mighty good cat to me, and as long as there is a drop of chalk and water left in this world you shall have your morning dish of milk." It was then that a very singular thing happened. "That's all I wanted to know, Jack," purred the cat, jumping to the[Pg 79] floor and rubbing his sleek sides up against his master's leg affectionately. "If we are not to be separated, it is up to me to show myself the worthy descendant of a noble and resourceful ancestry. There is a tradition in our family that no backyard fence has ever been so hard to climb that we couldn't get over it. Do you know who I am?" "Why, yes," said Jack, rubbing his eyes in astonishment, for he had never heard the cat speak before. "You are Angora Bill,[Pg 80] the Champion Chinchilla of fourteen consecutive annual shows, and the neatest little ratter that ever lived." "I am more than that," replied the cat, proudly. "I am the direct lineal descendant of the original Puss in Boots, and one of the advance agents of prosperity." Jacked laughed even in his misery. "Those days have gone, Puss," he said, wearily. "There are no longer any[Pg 81] fairies to help poor beggars like me out of a hole, Bill—" "That's what you think," smiled puss, scratching his left ear with his right hind-paw; "but, my dear boy, my great-great-great-great-grandfather was a back-fence piker alongside of myself, who, all unknown to you, am one of the board of directors of the United States Fairy Company, of 3007 Wall Street, New York. If you will do just what I tell you, my boy, we shall emerge from this little embarrassment of ours with flying colors, and spend our declining years[Pg 82] in a little onyx bungalow on the corner of Bond Avenue and Easy Street that will make the Vandergilt palace up on the Plaza look like a particularly cheap and self-effacing owl-wagon." Jack gazed mournfully at his companion. Surely, he thought, our misfortunes have driven him crazy. Nevertheless he decided to humor the creature. "What would you have me do, Puss?" he asked. "Nothing much," replied the cat. "Just pack your suit-case with your few remaining collars and other garments, fill your five trunks with Sunday newspapers and unpaid bills, and move at once into the Waldorf-Astoria, taking a suite of five rooms and a bath." "On nothing?" demanded the astonished youth. "You lose less on nothing than you would if you had something to lose," retorted puss, with a wise air. "Do as I say. Lend me[Pg 83] a pair of your boots, a derby hat, and your fur-lined ulster, and wait for me in your apartment. Go at once to the hotel, register, and ask if there are any letters or messages for you, and all will be well. You might register as Horace Vanderpoel, of Cincinnati, or St. Louis, or any other old place at a comfortable distance from New York. Let your luggage precede you." The cat spoke in a masterful tone that inspired confidence. As he delivered his instructions he donned his master's boots and fur-lined overcoat, and then putting the derby hat jauntily upon his head he sauntered forth. "Good-bye, Jack," he said, as he reached the door. "Follow my instructions to the very last detail, and before long you'll be wearing diamonds that will make the average incandescent electric light look like an eclipse." Now Jack was a venturesome youth and ready at all times for any kind of an[Pg 84] unusual experience; so, deeply impressed by the mere fact of the cat's having spoken at all, he decided to follow out his instructions to the letter. His five trunks, filled to the brim with papers and bills and any other objects of virtu that came handy, were dispatched at once to the Waldorf, and in about three hours he himself followed them, registering in a large, bold hand as Horace Vanderpoel, of Kansas City, in the hotel book. "I want a suite of five rooms and a bath," said Jack. "Certainly, Mr. Vanderpoel," said the room-clerk, courteously. "We had already made a reservation for you, sir. We will give you suite number forty-two on the first floor." "Good!" said Jack. "I wasn't aware that my coming had been heralded—in fact, I have been wanting to have it kept as quiet as possible. Important negotiations, you know."[Pg 85] "We quite understand, Mr. Vanderpoel," said the clerk. "Have any letters or telephone messages been received for me?" Jack demanded. "No letters, sir," replied the clerk, "but—Rockernegie's secretary 'phoned us about an hour ago requesting us to ask you to let him know the minute you arrived—fact is, sir, that is how we came to be on the lookout for you." "Rockernegie, eh?" said Jack, scratching his head with a puzzled air. "Well," he added with a laugh, "I guess he can wait a bit. Have J. W. Midas & Co. rung me up yet?" "Not yet, sir," said the clerk. "Well, I'm going down-stairs to be shaved," said Jack. "If Midas does ring me up let me know." He chuckled as he went down to the barber-shop. "Bill is a great cat," he muttered to himself. "Rockernegie! Gee! Here's[Pg 86] hoping he won't forget Midas and Bondifeller." He sat down in the barber's chair and was soon richly lathered. The barber was about to apply the razor, when a small boy clad in a perfect rash of buttons entered the shop. <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_017.jpg" width-obs="464" height-obs="500" alt=""TELL 'EM TO TELL MR. BONDIFELLER THAT I AM TOO BUSY TO SEE HIM"" title="" /> "TELL 'EM TO TELL MR. BONDIFELLER THAT I AM TOO BUSY TO SEE HIM"</div> "NUMBER FORTY-TWO, please!" he cried. "Gentleman number FORTY-TWO!" "Wait a minute, Barber," said Jack. "That's my number. Here, boy, what[Pg 87] is it?" "Wanted on the telephone, sir," said the boy. "Find out who it is," said Jack, impatiently. "Yes, sir," said the boy. "I have, sir. They told me to tell you, sir, that Mr. Bondifeller was on the 'phone, sir." "Oh, is that all?" grinned Jack. "Well, you tell 'em to tell Mr. Bondifeller that I am too busy just at present to see him. You might tell him, too, that I haven't anything[Pg 88] to add to what I said in my last letter. If he doesn't like that, the deal is off." There was a considerable craning of necks in the neighboring chairs, for Jack had not thought to address his remarks to the lad in tones suggestive of a confidential communication. The boy staggered slightly on his feet, but managed to get away without dropping under the weight of such a message, and Jack, lying back in his chair, requested the[Pg 89] barber to proceed. "Bill is a great cat!" he chuckled. "Beg pardon?" queried the barber. "I say don't shave me too close," said Jack. The shave over, Jack retired to his apartment and found in suite number forty-two everything that the heart of man could desire, and throughout the great caravansary the name of Horace Vanderpoel was held in high honor. To be sure they had never heard of him before, but the associate of these brilliant dignitaries of the financial[Pg 90] world must indeed be somebody, even in New York! Here he sat, awaiting developments, his amusement as well as his interest in the adventure increasing momentarily. An hour passed and then a card was brought to his door bearing the mystic words: <h4>COLONEL A. N. GORA</h4> <h4>The Catskill Club</h4> "Ask Colonel Gora to come right up," said Jack, with difficulty repressing the guffaw that struggled within him for expression, recognizing the name at once. Five minutes later puss walked in, the perfect picture of a military dandy, largely due no doubt to the cut of his whiskers. "Well," he said, removing his gloves, and out of sheer force of habit proceeding to wash his face with his right paw, "you seem to be pretty comfortably located."[Pg 91] "In the lap of luxury," grinned Jack. Puss's face grew solemn. "For a cat, my dear Jack, or, rather, Horace," he said, "the lap of luxury would be a saucer of milk." "You shall have a pitcherful, Bill," cried Jack, rushing to the 'phone. "Not on your life, my dear boy!" meowed puss, excitedly stopping him. "Never! The occupant of an apartment like this ordering a pitcher of milk! Why, my dear fellow, that would queer our game at the very start. Order some tea and I'll drink the cream." After regaling himself on the refreshment provided by the confiding management, puss, with a graceful readjustment of his whiskers, turned with a smile to the wondering and admiring beneficiary of his resourceful mind. "Well, what do you think of it, Jack?" he asked. "It is very nice indeed, Puss," Jack answered,[Pg 92] "but—er—I can't help thinking of the possibilities of the day of reckoning. Who's going to pay for all this when the bill comes in?" "Don' t worry," said puss; "I'll attend to all that. This afternoon I want you to climb aboard the sight-seeing coach that leaves Madison Square at three o'clock. Sit next to the young lady with blue eyes and a Persian lamb ulster, whom you will find occupying the front seat with her father, a large, stout gentleman with a kohinoor sparkling like an electric light in his shirt-front and three more on his little finger. If you happen to see me on the same coach, don't let on that you know me, and, above all, don't deny anything you may hear anybody saying[Pg 93] about you. Where did you register from?" "Kansas City," replied Jack. <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_018.jpg" width-obs="500" height-obs="297" alt=""GOOD-BYE, JACK"" title="" /> "GOOD-BYE, JACK"</div> "All right," said puss. "Keep a stiff upper lip, my boy, and all will be well. Good-bye. Like most cats, I have a few[Pg 94] fences to take care of this afternoon and I must be off. I've found a nice little kitten up the street who is going to manicure my nails." With these words the amazing creature donned his hat and coat and, resuming his boots, strode out with a magnificent swagger. At three o'clock in the afternoon Jack, in accordance with his instructions, boarded the sight-seeing coach at Madison Square, and, recognizing the young woman referred to by puss sitting on the front seat of the car, seated himself beside her. "When do we start, Popper?" asked the girl, with a demure glance at[Pg 95] Jack. "Putty soon, I guess," said the old gentleman, who sat on her other side. "But there ain't never any tellin'. These New York guys does things putty much as they please." "Humph!" muttered Jack under his breath. "He sounds like real money from Goldfields." In a few moments the car started, and as[Pg 96] they passed around the Flatiron Building Jack was still further amazed to recognize in the voice of the lecturer none other than that of the faithful puss. "This building," Jack heard him saying boldly, "is the famous Flatiron Building, erected at great expense by the Fuller Company and lately purchased for five million dollars by the famous Missouri financier and capitalist, Mr. Horace Vanderpoel." "Gee-rusalem!" ejaculated Jack. <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_019.jpg" width-obs="500" height-obs="435" alt=""THE HANDSOMEST TOWER IN THE WORLD"" title="" /> "THE HANDSOMEST TOWER IN THE WORLD"</div> "To the right is the wonderful tower of the Metropolitan Life Insurance Building—the handsomest tower in the world," continued puss, bellowing his words into Jack's ears playfully through his megaphone; "while off across the square to the north the structure in yellow brick is the famous Madison Square Garden, soon to be torn down to make room for the new Vanderpoel office building, sixty-four stories high, containing theatres, assembly halls, churches, convention halls, restaurants, apartments, and so[Pg 97] on, besides offices, costing between ten and twenty millions of dollars." "Vanderpoel Building, eh?" said the old gentleman. "Any relation to the feller that's bought the Flatiron?" "Same man, sir. He's the only Vanderpoel," replied puss. "Must have seven or eight dollars to spare," said the sight-seer. "Ten or twelve, sir," laughed puss. "It is said that he is trying to buy a controlling interest in the whole city. Negotiating for the Astor estate, they say." "Great Scott!" gasped the sight-seer. "What's he going to do with it when he gets it?" "Don't know, sir," replied puss, gayly. "Kind of suspect he's thinking of annexing it to Kansas City, sir." The car proceeded until the party reached the Plaza. "On the left is the Plaza Hotel, another property of the Vanderpoel syndicate," said[Pg 98] puss; "said to have cost the Kansas City millionaire ten millions, and paid for in cash." "Gee!" gasped the young woman's father, and Jack indorsed the observation unreservedly. "That's a pretty house, Popper," said the young woman as the car reached[Pg 99] the Ninety-sixth Street entrance to the Park, pointing toward Mr. Rockernegie's residence. "Formerly the residence of Andrew Rockernegie," said puss, "but recently sold to Mr. Vanderpoel for three million dollars." "It's mighty funny I never heard of this Vanderpoel feller before," said[Pg 100] the old man. "Just come into his fortune, sir," vouchsafed puss. "Very young man just come of age, sir." The old man leaned forward and, addressing Jack, inquired: "Did you ever hear of this man Vanderpoel, young man?" "Well, yes," said Jack, with a modest[Pg 101] laugh. "Fact is, I myself am Horace Vanderpoel." The stranger gazed at him in amazement. "Well, by ginger!" he said. "I—I—I'm dee-lighted to meet you, sir. This is my daughter Amanda, sir. I—I—I'm proud to make your acquaintance." "It is a pleasure to meet you, sir," said Jack, pleasantly, removing his hat and bowing to the young woman. "You are Mr.—" "Dobbins, sir," returned the old man, effusively. "Joshua Dobbins. I thought I was going some on the money question, with seven gold mines in Nevada, but I must take off my hat to you, sir. Any man who has the nerve to buy New York—heavens!" The old fellow took off his hat and mopped his brow, which had begun to perspire freely. "Oh, I don't take any credit to myself for that," said Jack, modestly. "When a boy has a great-grandfather who dies and leaves[Pg 102] forty million dollars to him in trust for fifty years before he was born, and that money accumulates until the unborn beneficiary is twenty-one years old, it means a rather tidy stockingful, I admit, but it isn't as if I'd made the money myself." "Fuf-forty million accumulating interest for seventy-one years!" gasped Dobbins. "Compound," said Jack, smiling sweetly at the girl at his side. "That's the deuce of it. I—I've got to do something to keep the income invested, and New York real estate, being the most expensive thing in sight, I've gone in for that as being the easiest way out." "I—I suppose you are living here now?" asked Mr. Dobbins. "No," said Jack. "Personally I don't care particularly for New York. I am just in town for a few days, stopping at the Waldorf." "Why, so are we," interrupted the girl.[Pg 103] "Then," said Jack, gallantly, "the Waldorf possesses even greater attractions than I had supposed." The girl blushed a rosy red, and the old gentleman fairly beamed. "Glad to have you take dinner with us, Mr. Vanderpoel," he said. "Thank you," said Jack. "I shall be charmed to do so if I can. I sort of half promised Mr. Bondifeller to take a snack with him this evening, but"—this with a killing glance at the blushing Miss Dobbins "but I guess he can wait. To tell you the truth, Mr. Dobbins, these New York millionaires bore me to death. At what time shall we foregather?" "Suppose we say seven?" said the old gentleman. "My lucky number," said Jack, with a gracious smile, which set the heart of Miss Dobbins all of a-flutter. So passed the hours away. Jack found himself growing momentarily more deeply[Pg 104] impressed with the beauty of the maiden at his side, and by the time the young people had reached the hotel it had become a pronounced case of pure and ardent love. As they entered the Waldorf one of the employees of the hotel rushed excitedly up to the young billionaire, breathless with the importance of a communication intrusted to him. "Mr. Rockernegie is on the wire—wants to speak to you immediately, sir," he panted. "Tell him I'm busy," said Jack, entering the tea-room and ordering a slight repast for Miss Dobbins and her father. A moment later the messenger returned, more breathless than before. "Sorry, sir," said the boy, "but Mr. Rockernegie says he must see you right away, sir." Jack frowned as though deeply annoyed, and his answer came with an incisive coldness that froze Mr. Dobbins almost to the marrow.[Pg 105] "Go back to that 'phone and tell the gentleman that it will take the biggest search-light in the amalgamated navies of the world to enable him to get even a bird's-eye view of me until I get good and ready," he said. "Er—tell him he can come to my office at ten-thirty to-morrow morning if he wants to, only he mustn't be late. Just impress that on his mind." Mr. Dobbins choked and coughed apoplectically. "Don't let us interfere with any of your engagements, Mr. Vanderpoel," he sputtered. "That's all right, Mr. Dobbins," said Jack. "I wish you'd invest seven or eight million for me," said Dobbins, with a sheepish glance at Jack. "I know it isn't much, but—" "Risky business, speculating, Mr. Dobbins," said Jack, bravely, although the suggestion had nearly knocked him off his[Pg 106] chair. "Better hang on to your pennies, now that you've got 'em." "Oh, I've got eight or ten more where they came from," chuckled the old man. "Then, sir," said Jack, as calmly as he knew how, "the best investment for you is in Miss Amanda Dobbins Preferred, a stock of priceless value." "I don't think I quite understand," said the old man, scratching his[Pg 107] head in perplexity. "Settle five million on your daughter," explained Jack. "When you've got her fixed comfortably in life, go in and do as you please with the rest of your fortune. Play the game as hard as you like, and, win or lose, no harm can come to her—and if you lose, why, she'll be able to take care of you." "I've already given her four million, haven't I, Amandy?" said the old gentleman, proudly. "Yes, Popper," said the girl, and Jack's[Pg 108] heart began to play the anvil chorus on the xylophone of his ribs. What a chance! "How about it, Mr. Vanderpoel," persisted the old man; "can you put me wise?" <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_020.jpg" width-obs="500" height-obs="311" alt=""COULDN'T MAKE IT THREE MILLION, COULD YOU?" SUGGESTED MR. DOBBINS" title="" /> "COULDN'T MAKE IT THREE MILLION, COULD YOU?" SUGGESTED MR. DOBBINS</div> "Oh, well," said Jack, "if you really insist I'll let you into a little blind pool I'm in, but not for very much—say a couple of millions. Only[Pg 109] I won't take a penny of your money if you are like all the rest of these people here who want to be shown how things are every five minutes of the day. I'll take your two million and you can call it a loan, if you want to. Your receipt will be my demand note for the full amount. You see I know what I'm about, and I'm careful." "Couldn't make it three million, could you?" suggested Mr. Dobbins, with a pleading note in his voice which Jack found difficult to resist. "I happen to have that amount idle—" "Well, I'll tell you what I'll do," said Jack, patronizingly. "I was going to pull[Pg 110] this thing off myself because it is one of the few dead-sure things left in this world, but first the Midas people butted in, then Bondifeller wanted a slice, and Rockernegie wore out his library carpet running to the 'phone to ring me up about it, until I told Central I'd have the company indicted as a nuisance if they let the old man have my number again. None the less, for merely diplomatic reasons, I'm going to let 'em all in for a small share. Just enough to keep them satisfied with themselves. Exactly what the basis will be I haven't yet decided, but if you are willing to take your chances with them—well, you may hand me six certified checks for five hundred thousand dollars apiece, so that I can spread the whole amount around in my various bank and trust company accounts." <hr style='width: 45%;' /> "Now what, Puss?" asked Jack the next afternoon, as he and his feline friend held a consultation in the apartment. "I've got[Pg 111] three million to my credit in six banks. What's the next step—Algiers or Venezuela?" "Why," said puss, "it seems to me that a man with three million in hand can afford to stay in New York over Christmas, anyhow." "Yes, I know," said Jack. "But the old man—he's got to have some profit some time or other, hasn't he?" Puss sighed deeply. "It is very evident, my dear Jack," said he, "that you are no financier. Settle a million on yourself and use the remainder to pay dividends to Mr. Dobbins. He'd probably think twenty-five per cent. on his investment was a pretty fair return, and if at the end of the first year you give him back seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars he'll be satisfied. Then if you hand him over a full million the second year—well—" "Well what?" gasped Jack. "He'll put five million more into the pool[Pg 112] on your mere intimation that you are willing to help him out to that extent," said puss, "which will keep you going several years longer." Jack breathed heavily at the prospect of such affluence, but he could not escape the uncomfortable feeling that there would be an inevitable day of reckoning ahead of him. "And when that is gone?" he asked. Puss gazed at him scornfully this time. "My, but you are stupid!" he ejaculated. "I really want to help you, Jack, but I can't do everything, you know. You've got to handle some of this business yourself. But let me ask you one question: Did you ever hear of a millionaire putting the father of his grandchildren in jail because he had lost money in a blind speculation?" "No, I never did," said Jack; "but you see, Puss, I am not the father of Dobbins' grandchildren." "No," said puss, "but why in thunder should you not be?"[Pg 113] "By Jove!" cried Jack, joyously. "Do you think she'll have me?" "Will a duck quack?" asked the cat. <hr style='width: 45%;' /> (Extract from the last will and testament of Joshua Dobbins): <div class="blockquot">"... and I do hereby appoint my said son-in-law, Horace Vanderpoel, husband of my beloved daughter Amanda, sole trustee of my estate, without bond, said estate to be administered by him for the benefit of my said daughter Amanda and her children, according to his own discretion; for which service, in lieu of executor's or trust fees, I do hereby give, bequeath, and devise to his use forever the sum of five million dollars, together with such additional sums as I have from time to time during the past four years invested under his advice and direction in the several properties in his control, both principal and interest accrued up to the date of my decease." </div> "Dear old dad!" said Jack, when the will had been read. "Your father was a fine man, Amanda dear, and a very successful man as well." "Yes, Horace," said his weeping wife,[Pg 114] "but he always insisted that he owed much to your splendid business management; so, after all, you have only come into your own, dear." "Ah, well," said Jack, as he opened a fresh bottle of cream and placed it before his pet Angora, "money isn't everything, sweetheart, and I should have been satisfied if he had left me nothing but you." And the Angora cat wiped off the back of his ear with his left paw and twirled his mustachios upward with a wave of his right, as he purred amiably over the cream.[Pg 115] <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>IV</h2> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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