<p class="center"> <SPAN name="First_Discoveries_of_the_Club" id="First_Discoveries_of_the_Club"></SPAN>
<ANTIMG src="images/illus022.jpg" alt="title" /><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</SPAN></span></p>
<p class='center'>
"He who fights and runs away,<br/>
Will live—"</p>
<p style="margin-left: 30em;">
<span class="smcap">A. Nonymous.</span></p>
<p><b>PURSUANT</b> to the resolutions unanimously adopted on the evening before,
the Elephant Club met to proceed, under the direction of some
experienced hunter, to scrutinize their ponderous game. Being duly
equipped with all the arms and ammunition required for an expedition of
so perilous a nature, they sallied forth. They dragged no heavy,
ponderous artillery, they wore no clanking swords, they rallied under no
silken banner, and marched to no inspiriting music; but they tramped
along, their only rallying-flag being a yellow handkerchief round the
hat of Mr. Myndert Van Dam, who had thus protected his "Cady" from any
injury from a sudden shower; their only martial music was the shrill
pipe of Mr. James George Boggs, who whistled "Pop goes the Weasel," and
for arms each one had a hickory cane, and in the breast<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</SPAN></span> pocket of his
overcoat, a single "pocket-pistol," loaded, but not dangerous. Mr.
Remington Dropper had assumed the leadership, and was to conduct the
party on their cruise.</p>
<p class="center">
<ANTIMG src="images/illus023.jpg" alt="man" /></p>
<p>They had proceeded but a short distance when Mr. Boggs called out to the
party to observe the motions of a queer-looking character, who was
approaching at a distance of a half block. He was stepping on the edge
of the sidewalk with his gaze fixed upon the gutter, and in apparent
unconsciousness of the existence of anything but himself.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</SPAN></span> He was lank,
lean, and sallow. His clothes were quite dilapidated, his beard and hair
long. A smile on his face seemed to indicate his entire satisfaction
with himself. He was a marked character, and after a moment's sight at
the individual, inquiries were made of Mr. Boggs as to who he was.</p>
<p>"That is more than I can say," was Boggs's response. "I have known him
by sight for years, and he has always appeared the same. He belongs to a
class of beings in New York, a few specimens of which are familiar to
those who frequent the principal thoroughfares, and are known by the
ornithological appellation of "gutter-snipes." I have often talked with
him, but he knows nothing of his own history; or, if he does, chooses
not to reveal it. He is a monomaniac, but perfectly harmless, and calls
himself Nicholas Quail. I have learned from other sources a few facts of
his history. He sleeps anywhere and everywhere, and eats in the same
localities. Nobody ever harms him, all being familiar with his whims. As
far as I can learn, he was formerly a raftsman. He has never in his life
owned real estate enough to form the site for a hen-coop, nor timber
sufficient to build it. His personal property could be crowded into a
small pocket-handkerchief; but let him get four inches of whisky in him,
and he fancies he has such boundless and illimitable wealth, that in
comparison,<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</SPAN></span> the treasures of Aladdin, provided by the accommodating
slave of the lamp, would be but small change. He walks about the streets
viewing what he terms the improvements he is making; he gives all sorts
of absurd directions to workmen as to how he desires the work to be
done, much to their amusement. But here he is, now; if he is tight we'll
have some sport."</p>
<p>As the personage approached, Boggs accosted him, when the following
dialogue took place.</p>
<p>"So Nicholas," said Boggs, "you've come back, have you? How is the
financial department at present?"</p>
<p>Nick looked up and smiled.</p>
<p>"The fact is," said he, "I've just been buying all the grain in
Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana for $7 a bushel, and I am rather
short for small change, but if you want a hundred thousand or so, just
send a cart round to my office. Would you prefer having it in quarter
eagles or twenty dollar pieces?"</p>
<p>"Well, Nick, I don't care to borrow at present, but a boy says you've
been drunk. How is it?"</p>
<p>"What boy is it?"</p>
<p>"Your boy in your counting-room—the urchin who runs on errands for you,
smokes your stubs, and pockets the small change."<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</SPAN></span></p>
<p>"Now, hadn't he ought to be ashamed of himself, the red-haired devil,
for getting Old Nick into such a scrape by his drunken lies? Haven't I
made him presents enough? It was only last week that I gave him a house
in Thirty-second street, and a splendid mansion on the North River; and
on the 4th of July he had fourteen thousand dollars, all in pennies, to
buy fire-crackers and soda-water with; and yet he goes to you and lies,
and says that I've been drunk. Don't you believe the lying cub; he's got
a spite agin me, because last night I wouldn't give him the Erie
Railroad to bet on poker; but I couldn't do it, General; I seen the
cards was agin him; the other feller held four kings, and he hadn't
nothin' in the world but three high-heeled jacks and a pair of fours."</p>
<p>"I do believe you were drunk," said Boggs, "and if you ever get hauled
up before the justice you will have to pay ten dollars, and if you have
not that decimal amount handy, you had better entrust it to the boy's
keeping, to have it ready in case of such an emergency."</p>
<p>Nick felt in his pockets, and with a puzzled air remarked:</p>
<p>"I haven't got the money here, but I'll give you a check on the Nassau
Bank for a thousand, and you can give me the change; or I'll give you a<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</SPAN></span>
deed of Stewart's, or a mortgage lien on the Astor House."</p>
<p>"Shan't do it, shan't do it, Old Nick; and I'm afraid you'll have to go
to Blackwell's Island, sure."</p>
<p>"There's that infernal island again," said Nick; "if I'd ever thought it
would come to this, I never'd have given that little piece of property
to the city; but I'll buy it back next week, and use it hereafter for a
cabbage garden; see if I don't."</p>
<p>By this time the Elephants seemed to disposed to go, but Nick spied on
the shirt-front of Mr. John Spout a diamond pin, which seemed to take
his fancy. He offered in vain a block of stores in Pearl street, the
Custom-House, the Assay-Office, the Metropolitan Hotel and
three-quarters of the steamer Atlantic, and to throw into the bargain
Staten Island and Brooklyn City; but it was no use, the party took their
leave, and Nick was disconsolate.</p>
<p>Passing up Broadway, their attention was attracted by one of those
full-length basswood statues of impossible-looking men, holding an
impracticable pistol in his hand, at an angle which never could be
achieved by a live man with the usual allowance of bones, but which
defiant figure was evidently intended to be suggestive of a
shooting-gallery in the rear.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</SPAN></span></p>
<p><span class="floatl">
<ANTIMG src="images/illus024.jpg" alt="shop front" />
</span>Mr. John Spout, who was in a philosophic mood, remarked that it was a
curious study to observe the various abortive efforts of aspiring
carpenters to represent the human form divine, in the three-cornered
wooden men, which stand for "pistol-galleries;" and the inexplicable
Turks, the unheard of Scotchmen, and the Indians of every possible and
impossible tribe, which are supposed to hint "tobacco and cigars."</p>
<p>The ambitious carpenter first hews out a distorted caricature of a man,
which he passes over to the painters to be embellished. By the time the
figure has survived the last operation, it might certainly<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</SPAN></span> be
worshipped without transgressing any scriptural injunction, for it
certainly looks like nothing in "the heavens above, the earth below, or
the waters under the earth." It is, however, an easy matter to
distinguish the Highlanders from the Turks, by the fact, that the calves
of their legs are larger around than their waists, and they are dressed
in petticoats and plaid stockings; the Turks and Indians, however, being
of the same color, might easily be confounded, were it not for the
inexplicable circumstance that the former are always squatting down,
while the latter are invariably standing up; they are all, however,
remarkable for the unstable material of which their countenances are
manufactured; after one has been exposed to the boys and the weather for
about a fortnight, his nose will disappear, his lips come up a minus
quantity, the top of his head be knocked off, and a minute's scrutiny
will generally disclose the presence of innumerable gimlet-holes in his
eyes. The boys, in their desire to comprehend perfectly the internal
economy of these human libels, not unfrequently carry their anatomical
investigations to the extent of cutting off a leg or two, and amputating
one or more arms, or cutting out three or four ribs with a buck-saw or a
broad-axe. Indeed, there is one unfortunate wooden Indian, of some
fossil and<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</SPAN></span> unknown tribe, on exhibition in front of a snuff-shop in the
Bowery, who has not only lost both legs, one arm, and his stomach, but
has actually endured the amputation of the head and neck, and bears a
staff stuck in the hole where his spine ought to be, and upon a flag is
inscribed the heartless sentence, "Mrs. Miller's Fine Cut—for
particulars inquire within."</p>
<p>Mr. John Spout having concluded his explanatory remarks, the entire
party went into the pistol-gallery before-mentioned, to have a crack at
the iron man, with the pipe in his mouth.</p>
<p>The nature of Mr. Quackenbush's profession, that of a teacher, was not
such as would make him familiar with the use of fire-arms, and, in point
of fact, he had about as good a notion of pistol-shooting as a
stage-horse has of hunting wild bees; but he resolved to try his hand
with the rest. When it came to his turn to try, he spilled the priming,
and fired the hair-trigger instrument, accidentally, four times, to the
imminent danger of the bystanders, before he could be taught to hold it
so that it wouldn't go off before he got ready. He finally got a fair
shot, and succeeded in breaking a window immediately behind him, after
which he concluded he would not shoot any more.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</SPAN></span></p>
<p>As the other side of the room was used for a bowling alley, the company
proceeded to have a game of ten-pins; and here, again, Mr. Quackenbush
distinguished himself. After dropping one ball on his toes, and allowing
another to fall into a spittoon, he succeeded in getting one to roll
down the alley; with his second ball, by some miraculous chance, he got
a "ten-strike," knocking down, not only all the pins, but also the
luckless youth who presided over the setting-up-department.</p>
<p>Having refreshed themselves, the party once more regained Broadway, and
consulted as to what place should be visited next.</p>
<p>Mr. Spout suggested that he would like to smoke. Nobody dissented except
Mr. Dropper, who said he had read the day previous, in the morning
papers, that a Turkish elephant had arrived in town, and was on
exhibition on Broadway, above the Metropolitan Hotel. Thinking that a
comparison instituted between the Turkish quadruped and the one which it
was their particular office to study, might be of benefit to the members
of the club, in their investigations, Mr. Dropper suggested that the
smoking be dispensed with, until they should come into the presence of
the oriental animal. Onward the zoölogical specialists sped their way,
sometimes<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</SPAN></span> marching in Indian file, and sometimes arm-in-arm, running
over little boys, dirty dogs, drygoods boxes, low awnings and area
railings, until at last Mr. Dropper cried "Halt!" before the portals of
the den wherein the mysterious elephant, which had arrived from
Constantinople, was concealed. It became a question who should lead in
making an entrance. Boggs was fearful, Van Dam was afraid, Spout was
cautious, Quackenbush would a little rather not, but Dropper's courage
failed not, and he walked boldly into the outer temple, followed by his
timid associates. Here they discovered a long counter, and a glass
show-case, in which were displayed queer shoes, quaint tooth-picks,
funny pipes, and singular ornaments. A glass jar, filled with a
rose-pink fluid was also on the counter. A tall gentleman with a
ferocious moustache, and a diminutive red cap, without a front-piece,
met them. Mr. Quackenbush's curiosity was in a single direction; he said
he wanted to go through the harem. They finally entered into the rear
apartment. Here their wondering eyes beheld a long room, well lighted
with gas. In the centre was a small basin, in which goldfish were
indulging in their accustomed aquatic sports. On either side were
arranged wide divans, covered with red drapery and high pillows. Small<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</SPAN></span>
stands were arranged in front of them. Various parties were seated with
novel inventions before them, suggested by the minds of ingenious Turks,
to accomplish the destruction of the tobacco crop. The members of the
Elephant Club placed themselves on the divans, and after they had
arranged themselves to their satisfaction, their oriental friend
approached them, and gave to each a "programme" of Turkish delicacies.
Mr. Spout inquired what a <i>nargillê</i> was, and was informed that it was a
water-pipe. Mr. Spout insisted that he preferred a pipe wherein fire,
rather than water, was the element used. Mr. Boggs said he would take a
<i>chibouk</i> on trial. Mr. Spout coincided, and called also for a
<i>chibouk</i>. But Van Dam ordered three <i>nargillês</i>, one for himself,
another for Dropper, and a third for Quackenbush. The <i>chibouks</i> were
produced, and Boggs and Spout commenced smoking in earnest.</p>
<p>In the mean time, the <i>nargillês</i> were produced for the other members of
the club. Van Dam backed down at their first appearance. The glass vase,
having in it water below and fire above, looked suspicious, and added to
that was a mysterious length of hose, which was wound about in all
directions, commencing at the fire, and running around the vase, about
the table legs, over the chair, back through<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</SPAN></span>
the rounds, about his legs, around his body, and finally came up over
his shoulder, and terminated in a mouth-piece. Mr. Van Dam's first
sensations, after these preliminaries had been arranged, were that he
was in imminent danger of his life, and acting upon this impulse, he
obstinately refused to go the <i>nargillê</i>, remarking, that they might be
harmless enough in the hands of the Turks, who knew how to<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</SPAN></span> use such
fire-arms, but he thought prudence dictated that he should keep clear of
such diabolical inventions.</p>
<p class="center">
<ANTIMG src="images/illus025.jpg" alt="smoking" /></p>
<p>Dropper and Quackenbush, however, had no fears, but their drafts on the
fire, through the hose, were not honored with smoke. They exhausted the
atmosphere in their mouths, but get a taste of smoke they could not,
and, in despair, Mr. Quackenbush called in the proprietor for an
explanation of the mysteries of fumigating <i>à la Turque</i>. In compliance
with the request, the gentleman informed the amateur Turks that they
must inhale the smoke. Dropper protested that he wouldn't make his lungs
a stove-pipe to oblige anybody—even the sultan and his sultanas—and he
accordingly dropped the hose, and ordered a <i>chibouk</i>. Quackenbush,
however, made the effort, but a spasmodic coughing put an end to further
attempts, and the result was that another <i>chibouk</i> was called for. Each
member of the club began to feel himself sufficiently etherealized to
aspire to a position in a Mahomedan heaven, where he could be surrounded
by the spirits of numberless beautiful <i>houris</i>, when the attention of
Mr. Spout was attracted to a young gentleman, seated on a divan, in the
rear of the apartment.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</SPAN></span></p>
<p class="center">
<ANTIMG src="images/illus026.jpg" alt="newbie" /></p>
<p>He was smoking a ponderous <i>chibouk</i>, and the cloudy volumes sent forth
from his mouth hung about his form, quite obscuring him from sight.
Occasionally, however, he would stop to breathe, which gave the members
of the club an opportunity to survey his appearance. He was a young man
of about twenty-two years, small in stature, with a pale, delicate skin,
and light hair, plastered down by the barber's skill with exactness. He
had no signs of beard or moustache. He was evidently making mighty
efforts to become a Turk. He sat on the divan, with<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</SPAN></span> his legs drawn up
under him, adopting the Turkish mode of inhaling the smoke, and he
followed one inhalation by another with such fearful rapidity that the
first impulse of the uninitiated would have been to cry out fire. But he
evidently didn't sit easy, for after a few minutes, he pulled his legs
out from under him and stretched them out at full length, to get out the
wrinkles. The Turkish manner of sitting was, evidently, attended with
physical inconveniences, for, after about a dozen experimental efforts,
he gave it up, put his heels on the table, and laid himself back against
the cushions. Still, however, he continued to smoke unremittingly (as if
to make up in that what he lacked in ability to sit in the Turkish
posture). But it was soon manifest that the young man was suffering. His
face was deathly pale, and, dropping his <i>chibouk</i>, he called out for
his oriental host. The gentleman in the red cap appeared, and the
sufferer informed him that he "felt so bad," and he placed his hand on
his stomach, denoting that as the particular seat of his difficulty. The
benevolent Turk suggested exercise out of doors, and, as the elephant
hunters were about going out, they offered to accompany him to his home.
The offer was accepted, and the youth, sick in the cause of Turkey,
left, supported by Dropper and Quackenbush.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</SPAN></span></p>
<p>A walk of a few squares relieved the young gentleman of the extremely
unpleasant sensations, when he begged leave to express his thanks to the
gentlemen for their kindness. He took occasion to inform them that his
name was John I. Cake, late a resident of an interior town in Illinois,
where his parents now reside. He was, at present, living in New York
with an uncle, who was a banker in Wall-street, under whose tuition he
was learning rapidly how to make inroads upon the plunder of his
neighbors, without being in danger of finding his efforts rewarded with
board and lodging at the expense of State. He had been educated at a
country college, and knew nothing of city life, except what he had seen
in Wall street.</p>
<p>Mr. Spout said that he was very happy to have met him, and inquired
whether he would like to have an opportunity of seeing the elephant.</p>
<p>Mr. John I. Cake said that nothing would please him better. Mr. Spout
proceeded at once to inform him that the gentlemen who were present were
members of an organization gotten up for that express purpose, and which
was known among themselves as the Elephant Club; further he said to Mr.
Cake, that if he desired to join, they would admi<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</SPAN></span>nister the obligation
to him that evening, and initiate him into the order.</p>
<p>Mr. Cake said by all means. At this time the party had reached the front
of a church, in the shadow of which they stopped. Mr. Spout, as
Higholdboy, announced that the Elephant Club was now organized. "Mr.
Cake," said he, "step forward and receive the obligation."</p>
<p>Mr. Cake did step forward with a bold and determined step.</p>
<p>Mr. Spout continued: "Let your arm," said he, "hang in an easy position
from the right shoulder. Now let the digits of your other hand point
'over the left.' Now then, Mr. John I. Cake, late of the State of
Illinois, but now encircled with, the moral atmosphere of Wall street,
you do solemnly swear, by the sacred horn spoons, that you desire to
become a member of the Elephant Club, that you are willing, on becoming
a member, to do as you please, unless it pleases you to do something
else; that you will never kick a big Irishman's dog, unless you think
you are smart enough to thrash his master; that you will be just as
honest as you think the times will economically allow; that you will,
under no circumstances buy and smoke a 'penny grab,' so long as you have
philanthropic friends who will give you Havanas.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</SPAN></span> All of this you
solemnly swear, so help you John Rogers."</p>
<p>"Perhaps," was the response of Mr. John I. Cake.</p>
<p>"Having given the correct response," said the Higholdboy, "you are
pronounced a member of the Elephant Club, when you shall have duly
favored us with the initiative sit down."</p>
<p>"Good!" said Mr. Cake, "where shall it be?"</p>
<p>"Wherever good oysters are to be procured," said Mr. Dropper.</p>
<p>"Here you are, then," remarked Quackenbush, as he pointed to a sign over
a subterranean door-way, over which was inscribed the words,</p>
<p style="margin-left: 15em;">
"Here are the spot<br/>
Where good oysters is got."<br/></p>
<p>The club descended into the saloon, and Mr. Cake called for six half
dozens on the half shell.</p>
<p>Now, be it known to the readers of these records, that Mr. Cake was
unacquainted with the perfection to which many departments of manual
labor had reached, and being naturally of an inquiring turn of mind, he
stayed outside to watch the feats of the young man who brandished the
oyster-knife. This gentleman was an adept at his profession. With the
most perfect grace of motion, he would lift the<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</SPAN></span>
oyster in his left hand, lay its edge gently on a small iron standard,
give that edge two delicate raps with the butt of the oyster-knife as a
signal to the oyster that its turn had now come, when immediately the
shells would open, the upper half would jump off and fall below, and the
oyster would smile at the young man as he took the knife, and delicately
stroked down its beard. All of this transpired in a very short period of
time, which, with the artistic grace displayed by the professor, was
sufficient to<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</SPAN></span> astound Mr. Cake. Indeed, he had entirely forgotten his
companions in his admiration of conchological anatomy.</p>
<p class="center">
<ANTIMG src="images/illus027.jpg" alt="oysters" /></p>
<p>The oysters were placed before the gentlemen, and partaken of with a
relish. But Mr. Cake had not seen enough to gratify his wishes. He
ordered another dose all around, and again took his position outside to
watch the operation of divesting the oysters of one half of their
natural exterior protection. Without doubt, the young man's merits, at
his particular vocation, were great; but Mr. Cake magnified them, in his
intense admiration, most alarmingly. To him, it seemed as if each
particular oyster was waiting for its turn to come, and only wanted a
wink from the young man, when it would jump into his grasp, proud that
it was permitted so soon to be sacrificed by such a hand. Mr. Cake was
transfixed; he never moved his eyes until the second, third and fourth
installment of shell-fish were served up.</p>
<p>Mr. Boggs then spoke about drinks. Johnny protested that he never drank
anything that would intoxicate—in fact, he was an uncompromising
teetotaller. Still, however, he had no objections to treating the crowd,
as that would give him an opportunity to remain a few minutes more with
the<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</SPAN></span> object of his admiration. He continued to watch the motions, whilst
his friends were doing justice to the spirituous decoctions. At last Mr.
Spout told Johnny that it was time to go. Johnny went to the bar, paid
the bill, and, as the party regained the street, Johnny Cake said, with
a sigh, that he only wished he were an oyster, that he, too, might be
the willing victim of that young man's knife. But, inasmuch as he was
not, it was his intention to gratify his desire to see the young man's
manipulations by coming every night until he was satisfied.</p>
<p>It is a fact which may be asserted, that Mr. Johnny Cake, as the members
of the club had now learned to call him, with forty "oysters and the
fixens" on board, did not walk with much apparent comfort.</p>
<p>The club stopped to deliberate, but in the midst of their deliberations
the City Hall bell sounded, and instantly commenced all that furious
uproar peculiar to Gotham at the sound of an alarm of fire. A crowd of
screaming men and boys came tearing along, dragging Engine No. 32½,
which hung back and jumped about, as if determined not to go at any
hazard. About half a block in advance of this crazy throng rushed a
frantic man, with a red shirt and a tin trumpet. Each individual yelled
as if the gene<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</SPAN></span>ral resurrection were at hand, and he under special
obligations to wake up some particular friend. The rheumatic engine held
back with all its power, and seemed, for the moment, endowed with a kind
of obstinate vitality. Now it threw its wheel round a lamp-post, then it
tumbled against the curb-stone, then it ran its tongue into an awning,
then affectionately embraced with its projecting arms a crockery-wagon,
and finally, with a kind of inanimate dogged determination not to go
ahead, in turning a short corner, it leaped triumphantly astride a
hydrant, where it stuck. The men tugged, but the engine held fast; the
frantic man in the red shirt came tearing back; he had gone far enough
ahead to see that 13¼'s boys had got their stream on the fire, and he
was furious at the delay. One mighty jerk, and the men and boys were
piled in a huge kicking mass on the pavement, which phenomenon was
occasioned by the unexpected breaking of the rope. The rope was tied,
and by a united effort directed at the wheels, the brakes, the tongue,
and every get-at-able point, the machine was again started, protesting,
with creaks, and groans, and various portentous rumblings in its inner
works, against the roughness of its treatment.</p>
<p>The frantic red-shirt-man howled through his<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</SPAN></span> trumpet that Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small>
was coming. The boys looked back, and Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> <i>was</i> coming. Hose
24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> came alongside. Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> tried to go by. Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> was
evidently striving to get to the fire in advance of her betters, but
Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> couldn't do it—for, at this interesting juncture, 32½'s
fellows waked up to their work, and the race began. Single gentlemen got
into door-ways, or crawled under carts; the ladies who were in the
street at that time of night disappeared down oyster-cellars; the M.P.s
probably went through the coal-holes, for not one was at that instant
"visible to the naked eye." Stages, to get out of the way, turned down
alleys so narrow that they had to be drawn out backwards; an
express-wagon was run into, and wrecked on a pile of bricks; an early
milk-cart was left high and dry on a mountain of oyster-shells; a
belated hand-cart-man deserted his vehicle in the middle of the street,
and it was instantly demolished, while the owner was only preserved from
a similar fate by being knocked gently over a picket-fence into an area,
where there couldn't anybody get at him. In the height and very fury of
the race, the crowd rushed upon the Elephantines, who were gazing in
fancied security at the mixed-up spectacle before them. In an instant
they were all inextricably<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</SPAN></span> entangled in the rush; those that escaped
32½ were caught up instantly by 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small>, and those who got away from
24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small>, were seized upon by 32½. It was no use resisting—on they
must go. The ponderosity of John Spout was no protection to him; nor did
the lankness of Dusenbury Quackenbush, and the unreliable appearance of
his legs, avail him anything. The quiet inoffensiveness of Van Dam was
not respected; no regard was paid to the philosophical composure of Mr.
Remington Dropper. The youthful face of Johnny Cake, too, availed
nothing in his favor. Mr. Boggs became involved, and all were
irretrievably mingled with the howling demi-devils who were racing for
the miniature purgatory, the flames from which could now be plainly
seen. It was "No. 1, round the corner," the residence of "My Uncle," and
each one was anxious to redeem his individual effects without going
through the formality of paying charges and giving up the tickets.</p>
<p class="center">
<ANTIMG src="images/illus028.jpg" alt="fight" /></p>
<p>But their very anxiety was a serious bar to their rapid progress: and
the two machines were jammed together by the zealous rivals. Hard words
ensued, and a general row was the instant and legitimate result.
Quackenbush was complimented with a lick over the head with a trumpet,
in the hands of the frantic red-shirt-man, who accused him of locking
the<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</SPAN></span>
tongue of 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> into 32½'s wheel. Dropper had his hat knocked over
his eyes, and thereupon, his indignation being roused, he hit out, right
and left. His first vigorous blow inflicted terrific damage upon the
amiable countenance of his best friend, Mr. Van Dam, and the very first
kick he gave upset Mr. John Spout upon the protruding stomach of a man
who had been knocked down with a spanner. John quickly recovered
himself, and hit Van Dam a clip in the sinister optic, which placed that
useful member in a state of temporary total eclipse. The battle became
general, and each man waged an indiscriminate war upon his neighbor.
Between the affectionate thrashing they gave each other, and the
indiscriminate kicks and punches they received from outsiders, the
Elephantines were well pommelled. By the time 32½ and<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</SPAN></span> 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> had got
out of the muss, and were fairly on their way to the fire again, Mr.
John Spout was the only one of that fraternal band visible on his feet.
Dropper was doubled up across a hydrant, Van Dam was comfortably
reposing on his back, in the middle of the street, while Quackenbush was
sitting on him, trying to wipe the blood out of his eyes, and to
ascertain, as nearly as possible, the number of teeth he had swallowed.
But when the members came together to make mutual explanations, Johnny
Cake was <i>non est</i>. Great, indeed, was the cry that was heard after the
missing member. Quackenbush bellowed out, in a heavy, sonorous voice,
that the difficulty was all past, when Johnny's shrill voice was heard
in response. The voice proceeded from an empty molasses hogshead, into
which Johnny had jumped, during the melee, for safety. His
brother-members released him from his situation, and, when he was once
more on Gotham's pavement, he was literally a sweet case. Dirty sugar
adhered to every part of his exterior. Explanations were then made, and
the members proceeded to shake hands all round, except Mr. Dropper, who
couldn't shake hands with anybody, because some one had upset a bucket
of tar on his fingers, and he couldn't get it off.</p>
<p>The matter being at length arranged to the satis<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</SPAN></span>faction of all
concerned, they adjourned from the sidewalk to a beer-shop, where they
washed their faces, pinned up the rents in their pantaloons, and got the
jams out of their hats, as well as they could upon so short a notice.
They then found their way to the club-room, held a council, and without
a great deal of deliberation, it was resolved, every man for himself:</p>
<p>That, to prevent the future possibility of all the members of the club
having black eyes at the same time, the members would, from this time
forth, pursue their investigations singly, or in pairs—the optical
adornment of a single person being bearable, but for all the club to be
simultaneously thus affected, was a phenomenon not down in the bills.</p>
<p>The club then adjourned for convalescence.</p>
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