Back Aa

Bayard from Bengal

<h2>THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH</h2> FREELY RENDERED INTO ENGLISH FROM THE ORIGINAL STYPTIC WITH INTRODUCTION AND NOTES BY H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A. INTRODUCTION I shall begin by begging that it may not be supposed either that I am the Author or even the Translator of the appended fables! The plain truth of the matter is that I am far indeed from standing agog with amazement at their literary or other excellences, and inclined rather to award them the faint damnation of a very mediocre eulogy. But it so happens that the actual translator is the same young English friend who kindly furnished me with a few selected poetic extracts for my Society novel, and has earnestly entreated me (as the quid pro quo!) to compose an introduction and notes for his own effusion,[112] alleging that it is a sine quâ non nowadays for all first class Classics to be issued with introduction, notes and appendix by some literary knob—otherwise they speedily become obsolete and still-born. Therefore I readily consented to oblige him, although I am no au fait in the Styptic dialect, and cannot therefore be held answerable for the accuracy of my friend's translation, which he admits himself is of a rather free description. Of the Philosopher who composed these Proverbs or Fables little is known, even in his own country, except that (as all Scholiasts are aware) he was born on the 1st of April 1450 (old style), and for some years filled the important and responsible post of Archi-mandrake of Paraprosdokian. He probably met with a violent end. I shall not undertake to provide a note to every parable, but only in cases where I think that the Parabolist is not quite as luminous as the nose on one's face, and needs the services of an experienced interpreter. H. B. J. [113] The Butterfly visited so many flowers that she fell sick of a surfeit of nectar. She called it "Nervous Breakdown." <hr class="tb" /> "Instead of vainly lamenting over those we have lost," said the young Cuckoo severely, to the Father and Mother Sparrow, "it seems to me that you should be rejoicing that I am still spared to you!" Note.—A mere plagiaristic adaptation of the trite adage concerning the comparative values of birds in the hand and in the bush.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "I am old enough to be thy Grandfather!" the Egg informed the Chicken. "In that case," replied the Chicken, "it is high time thou bestirredst thyself!" "Not so!" said the Egg, "since the longer I remain quiescent, the fitter I shall be for the career that is destined for me."[114] "Indeed," inquired the Chicken, "and what may that be?" "Politics!" answered the Egg with importance. And the Chicken pondered long over that saying. Note.—I must confess to following the Chicken's precedent, without arriving at any solution. For, logically, an Egg must be the junior of any Chicken. And again, even for parabolical purposes, it is far-fetched to represent an Egg as a potential Member of Parliament. On the whole, I am not entirely satisfied that my young friend is so proficient in acquaintance with Cryptic as he has represented to me.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> There is only one thing that irritateth a woman more than the man who doth not understand her, and that is the man who doth. <hr class="tb" /> A certain Artificer constructed a mechanical Serpent which was so marvellously natural that it bit him in the back. "Had I but another hour to live," he lamented in his last agonies, "I would have patented the invention!"[115] The Woman was so determined to be independent of Man that she voluntarily became the slave of a Machine. Note.—I do not understand the meaning of the Fabulist here.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "She used to be so fresh; but she is gone off terribly since I first knew her!" said the Slug of the Strawberry. Note.—See my remark on the last parable.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "Now, I call that downright Plagiarism!" observed the Ass, when he heard the Lion roar. "A cheery laugh goes a long way in this world!" remarked the Hyena. "But a bright smile goes further still!" said the Alligator, as he took him in. Note.—If the honble Philosopher is censuring here merely the assumption of hilarity and not ordinary quiet facetiousness, I am [116] entirely with him. But I rather regard him as a total deficient in Humour and fanatically opposed to it in any form.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "I trust I have now made myself perfectly clear?" observed the Cuttlefish, after discharging his ink. <hr class="tb" /> The Cockney was assured that, if he placed the Sea-shell to his ear, he would hear the murmur of Ocean. But all he caught distinctly was the melody of negro minstrels. <hr class="tb" /> "It is some satisfaction to feel that we have both been sacrificed in a thoroughly deserving cause!" said the Brace-button, complacently, to the Threepenny Bit, as they met in the Offertory Bag. Note.—This must be some local allusion, for I do not know what sort of receptacle an Offertory Bag may be, or why such articles should be inserted therein.—H. B. J. [117] <hr class="tb" /> Mistrust the Bridegroom who appeareth at his wedding with sticking-plaster on his chin [or "without sticking-plaster," &c.—the Styptic is capable of either interpretation.—Trans.]. Note.—Then I will humbly say that it must be a peculiarly elastic tongue. But in either form the Proverb is meaningless.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "What!—My Original dead?" cried the Statue. "Then I have lost all chance of ever becoming celebrated!" Note.—This is an obvious mistranslation, since a Statue is only erected when the Original is already celebrated.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "What is your favourite Perfume?" they asked the Hog, and he answered them, "Pigwash." "How vulgar!" exclaimed the Stoat. "Mine is Patchouli!" But the Fox said that, in his opinion, the less scent one used the better. Note.—This merely records the well-known physiological fact that [118] some persons are born without the olfactory sense. Emperor Vespasian was accustomed to declare (erroneously) that "pecunia non olet."—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "I wonder they allow such a cruel contrivance as that 'Catch 'em alive, oh!' paper!" said the Spider tearfully, as she sat in her web. Note.—From this we learn that there may be a soft spot in the most unpromising quarters. Even Alexander the Great, who spent the blood of his troops like pocket money, is recorded to have wept at a review on suddenly reflecting that all his soldiers would probably be deceased in a hundred years. It is barely possible that Piljosh may have been a spectator of this incident.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> A certain Pheasant was pluming herself upon having become a member of the Anti-Sporting League. "Softly, friend!" said a wily old Cock, "for, should this League of thine succeed in its object, every man's hand would be against us both by day and night; whereas, at present, our lives are protected all night by vigilant[119] keepers, and spared all day by our owner and his guests, who are incapable of shooting for nuts!" Note. —This is a glaring non sequitur and fallacy. I myself have never shot for nuts—but it does not necessarily follow that any pheasant would remain intact after I discharged my rifle-barrel!—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "It is not what we look that signifieth," said the Scorpion virtuously, "it is what we are!" Note.—True enough—but the moral would have been improved by attributing the saying to some insect of more innocuous character than a Scorpion. Perhaps this is so in the original Styptic, for, as I have said, I cannot repose implicit faith in my young friend's version.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "I have composed the most pathetic poem in the world!" declared the Poet. "How can'st thou be sure of that," he was asked. "Because," he replied, "I recited it to the Crocodile, and she could not refrain from shedding tears!"[120] <hr class="tb" /> "It is gratifying to find oneself appreciated at last," said the Cabbage, when the Cigar Merchant labelled him as a Cabaña. <hr class="tb" /> "Don't talk to me about Cactus," said the Ostrich contemptuously to the Camel. "Insipid stuff, I call it! No—for real flavour and delicacy, give me a pair of Sheffield scissors!" <hr class="tb" /> "The accommodation might be more luxurious, it's true," remarked the philosophic Mouse, when he found himself in the Trap, "but, after all, it's not as if I was going to stay here long!" <hr class="tb" /> "People tell me he can shine when he chooses," said the Extinguisher of the Candle. "All I know is, he's positively dull whenever he's with me!" <hr class="tb" /> There was once a Musical Box which played but one tune, to which its owner was never[121] weary of listening. But, after a time, he desired a novelty, and could not rest until he had exchanged the barrel for another. However, he sickened of the second tune sooner than of the first, and so he exchanged it for a third, which he liked not at all. Accordingly he commanded that the Box should return to the first tune of all—and lo! this had become an abomination unto his ears, nor could he conceive how he had ever been able to endure it! So the Musical Box was laid upon the shelf, and the Owner procured for himself a cheap mouth-organ which could play any air that was suggested to it, and thus became an established favourite. Note.—This is apparently designed to illustrate the ficklety of the Musical Character.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "Do come in!" snapped the severed Shark's Head to the Ship's Cat. "As you perceive, I am carrying on business as usual during the alterations."[122] <hr class="tb" /> The Bulbul had no sooner finished her song than the Bullfrog began to make profuse apologies for having left his music at home. <hr class="tb" /> To a Butterscotch Machine the Penny and the Tin Disc are alike. Note.—Surely not if an official is looking on!—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "My dears," said the Converted Cannibal reverently to his Wife and Family, as they sat down to their Baked Missionary, "do not let us omit to ask a blessing!" <hr class="tb" /> There is but one Singer whom it is futile to encore—and that is a Dying Swan. <hr class="tb" /> "I am doing a series of 'Notable Nests' for 'Sylvan Society,'" said the insinuating Serpent, on finding the Ringdove at home, "and I should so much like to include you." "You are very kind," said the Ringdove, in a flutter, "but I can assure you that there is no more[123] in my poor little eggs than in any other bird's!" "That may be," replied the Serpent, "but I must live somehow!" <hr class="tb" /> "No outsiders there—only just their own particular set!" said the Cocksparrow, when he came home after having been to tea with the Birds of Paradise. <hr class="tb" /> The Elephant was dying of starvation, and a kind-hearted person presented him with an acidulated drop. Note.—It is well-nigh incredible that any Philosopher should be so ignorant of Natural History as to imagine that any Elephant would accept an acid drop, even if it was on its last legs for want of nutrition. The conclusion of this anecdote would seem to be either lost, or unfit for publication.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> There was once a famous Violinist who serenaded his Mistress every evening, performing the most divine melodies upon his instrument. But all the while she was straining her ears to listen to a piano-organ round the corner which was playing "Good-bye, Dolly Gray!"[124] <hr class="tb" /> The Performing Lioness kisses her Trainer on the mouth—but only in public. <hr class="tb" /> The Candle complained bitterly of the unpleasantness of seeing so many scorched moths in her vicinity. <hr class="tb" /> "I have taken such a fancy to thee," said the Hawk genially to the Field-Mouse, "that I am going to put thee into a really good thing." And he opened his beak. <hr class="tb" /> There are persons who have no sense of the fitness of things. Like the Grasshopper, who insisted on putting the Snail up for the Skipping Club. <hr class="tb" /> The Cat scratched the Dog's nose out of sheer playfulness—but she had no time to explain.[125] <hr class="tb" /> "After all, it is pleasant to be at home again!" said the Eagle's feathers on the shaft that pierced him. But the Eagle's reply is not recorded. Note.—Poet Byron also mentions this incident.—H.B.J. <hr class="tb" /> A certain Painter set himself to depict a lovely landscape. "See!" he cried, as he exhibited his canvas to a Passing Stranger, "doth not this my picture resemble the scene with exactitude?" "Since thou desirest to know," was the reply, "thou seemest to me to have portrayed nothing but a manure heap!" "And am I to blame," exclaimed the indignant Painter, "if a manure heap chanced to be immediately in front of me?" <hr class="tb" /> Before a Man marrieth a Woman he delighteth to describe unto her all his doings—even the most unimportant. But, after marriage, he considereth that such talk may savour too much of egotism.[126] Note.-This is very very shallow. I have never experienced any such compunctiousness with my own wives.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "I shouldn't have minded so much," said the Bee, with some bitterness, just before breathing his last in the honey-pot, "only it happens to be my own make!" <hr class="tb" /> "Is the White Rabbit beautiful?" someone inquired of the Albino Rat. "She might be passable enough," replied the Rat, "but for one most distressing deformity. She has pink eyes!" <hr class="tb" /> When the Ass was asked about his Cousin the Zebra, he said: "Do not speak about him—for he has disgraced us all. Never before has there been any eccentricity in our family!" <hr class="tb" /> The full-blown Sausage professeth to have forgotten the days of his puppyhood. <hr class="tb" /> "Will you allow me to pass?" said the courteous Garden Roller to the Snail.[127] <hr class="tb" /> Had anyone met the Red Herring in the sea and foretold that he would one day be pursued by Hounds across a difficult country, the Herring would have accounted him but a vain babbler. Yet so it fell out! Note.—I shrewdly suspect that my young friend has made the rather natural mistake of substituting the word "Red Herring" for "Flying Fish." It is not absolutely incredible that one of the latter department should fly inland and be chased by Dogs—but even Piljosh should be aware that no Herring could pop off in such a way.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> An Officious Busybody, perceiving a Phœnix well alight, promptly extinguished her by means of a convenient watering-pot. <hr class="tb" /> "Had you refrained from this uncalled for interference," said the justly irate Bird, "I should by this time be rising gloriously from my ashes—instead of presenting the ridiculous appearance of a partially roasted Fowl!" [128] Note.—I can offer no explanation of this allegory, except to remind the reader that the Phœnix is the notorious symbol for a fire insurance.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "Alas!" sighed the Learned Pig, while expiring from inflammation of the brain, brought on by a laborious endeavour to ascertain the sum of two and two, "Why, why was I cursed with Intellect?" <hr class="tb" /> "I shall know better another time!" gasped the Fish, as he lay in the Landing-net. <hr class="tb" /> A certain Merchant sold a child a sharp sword. "Thou hast done wrong in this," remonstrated a Sage, "since the child will assuredly wound either himself or some other." "I shall not be responsible," cried the Merchant, "for, in selling the sword, I did recommend the child to protect the point with a cork!" <hr class="tb" /> A certain grain of Millet fell out of a sack in which it was being carried into the City, and was soon trampled in the dust. "I am lost!" cried the Millet-seed. "Yet[129] I do not repine so much for myself as for those countless multitudes who, deprived of me, are now doomed to perish miserably of starvation!" <hr class="tb" /> "I have given up dancing," said the Tongs, "for they no longer dance with the Elegance and Grace that were universal in my young days!" <hr class="tb" /> "But for the Mercy of Providence," said the Fox, piously, to the Goose whom he found in a trap that had been set for himself, "our respective situations might now be reversed!" <hr class="tb" /> "She really sang quite nicely," remarked the Cuckoo, after she had been to hear the Nightingale one evening, "but it's a pity her range is so sadly limited!" <hr class="tb" /> The Mendicant insisted on making his Will:[130] "But what hast thou to leave when thou diest?" cried the Scribe. "As much as the richest," he replied; "for when I die, I leave the entire World!" Note.—This is (if not incorrectly translated) a grotesque and puerile allegation. The veriest tyro is aware that when a Millionaire hops the twig of his existence, he leaves more behind him than a mere Mendicant!—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "Forgive me," said the Toad to the Swallow, "but, although you may not be aware of it, you are flying on totally false principles!" "Am I?" said the Swallow meekly. "I'm so sorry! Do you mind showing me how you do it?" "I don't fly myself," said the Toad, with an air of superiority. "I've other things to do—but I have thoroughly mastered the theory of the Art." "Then teach me the theory!" said the Swallow. "Willingly," said the Toad; "my fee—to you—will be two worms a lesson."[131] <hr class="tb" /> "I can't bear to think that no one will weep for me when I am gone!" said the sentimental Fly, as he flew into the eye of a Moneylender. Note.—Cf. Poet Byron: "'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark Our coming, and look brighter when we come!"—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> A certain Cockatrice, feeling sociably inclined, entered a Mother's Meeting, bent upon making himself agreeable—but was greatly mortified to find himself but coldly received. "Women are so particular about trifles!" he reflected bitterly. "I know I said 'Good Afternoon' with my mouth full—but, as I explained, I had just been lunching at the Infant School!" <hr class="tb" /> "I want to be useful!" said the Silkworm, as she sat down and "set" a sock for a Decayed Centipede.[132] <hr class="tb" /> A Traveller demanded hospitality from fourteen Kurds, who were occupying one small tent. "Enter freely," said the Kurds, "but we must warn thee that thou wilt find the atmosphere exceedingly unpleasant—for, by some inadvertence, we have greased our boots from a jar of Attar of Roses!" Note.—Once more I do not entirely fathom the Fabulist's meaning—unless it is that such a valuable cosmetic as Attar of Roses may become so deteriorated as to offend even the nostril organ of a Kurd.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> A certain Basilisk having attained great success in petrifying all who came under his personal observation, there was a Scheme set afoot to present him with some Token of popular esteem and regard. "If we give him anything" said the Fox, who was consulted as to the form of the proposed Testimonial, "I would suggest that it should take the shape of a pair of Smoked Spectacles."[133] Note.—The Satire here, at least, is obvious enough. Smoked spectacles are a very inexpensive gift.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "How truly the Poet sang that: 'we may rise on stepping-stones of our dead selves to higher things!'" remarked the Chicken's Merrythought, when it found itself apotheosised into a Penwiper. Note.—A young lady, that shall be nameless, once presented me with a very similar penwipe, which represented a Church of England ecclesiastic in surplice and mortar-cap.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "I shall not have perished in vain!" gasped an altruistic Cockroach, immediately before expiring from an overdose of Insect Powder, "for, after this fatality, the Owners of the House will doubtless be more careful how they leave such stuff about!" Note.—British Cockroaches, however, resemble Emperor Mithridates [134] in being totally impervious to beetle poison.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> The Sheep was so exceedingly tough and old, that the Wolf had thoughts of becoming a Vegetarian. Note.—When we see some person attaining Centenarian longevity, we are foolishly inclined to fancy that, by adopting their diet, we also are to become Methusalems!—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> A certain Ant that had lost its All owing to the sudden collapse of the Bank in which its savings were invested, applied to a Grasshopper for a small temporary advance. "I am sorry, dear boy," chirpily replied the Grasshopper, "that, although I am playing to big business every evening, I have not put by a single grain. However, I will get up a matinée for your benefit." This he did with such success that, next winter, the Ant was once more sufficiently prosperous to discharge his obligation by offering the Grasshopper a letter to the Charity Organisation Society! Note.—The application of this is that a kind action is never [135] really thrown away.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "I never feel quite myself till I've had a good bath!" said the Bird whom an elderly Lady had purchased from a Street Boy as a Goldfinch. And behold, when the Bird came out of its saucer of water, it was a Sparrow! Note.—Like many Philosophers, Piljosh would seem to have had no great liking for ablutions. But water which could transform a Goldfinch into a Sparrow must previously have been enchanted by some Magician, so that our Parabolist's shaft misses fire in this instance (as indeed in many others!). Possibly, however, his Translator has once more proved a Traitor!—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "Pride not yourself upon your Lustre and Symmetry," said the Jet Ear-ring austerely to the Pearl, "for, after all, you owe your beauty to nothing but the morbid secretions of a Diseased Oyster!" "I am sorry to spoil your moral," retorted the Pearl with much suavity, "but, like yourself, I happen to be Artificial." Note.—Inhabitants of glassy mansions should not indulge in [136] lapidation.—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> "Come!" said the Peacock's Feather proudly to the Fly-flapper and the Tin Squeaker, as the final illumination flickered out and they lay in the gutter together, limp and exhausted with their exertions in tickling and generally exasperating inoffensive strangers. "They may say what they please—but at least we have shown them that the Spirit of Patriotism is not yet extinct!" Note.—This must refer to some Cryptic customs prevalent in the Parabolist's time. But I do not clearly apprehend what connection either tickling, fly-flapping, or squeaking can have with Patriotism!—H. B. J. <hr class="tb" /> Last Words Here conclude the Parables of Piljosh, together with the present volume. That the former can possibly obtain honble mention when compared with the apologues of Plato, Æsop, Corderius Nepos, or even Confucius, I cannot for a moment anticipate, and none can be more sensible than my humble self[137] how very poor a figure they cut in proximity to the production of my own pen! However, indulgent critics will please not saddle my unoffending head with the responsibility, the fact being that I was vehemently advised that, without some meretricious padding of this sort, my Romance would not be of sufficient robustness to produce a boom. But should "A Bayard from Bengal" unfortunately fail to render the Thames combustible, I should rather attribute the cause to its having been unwisely diluted with such milk and watery material as the Parables of Piljosh. So, leaving the decision to the impartial and unanimous verdict of popular approval, I subscribe myself, The Reader's very obsequious and palpitating Servant, Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A., etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.   PRINTED BY TURNBULL AND SPEARS, EDINBURGH <hr class="chapter" /> <h2>Author's Notes on Illustrations:</h2> AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. I. (Frontispiece). Had Mr Bernadhur Pahtridhji taken the very ordinary precaution to consult myself upon the etiquettes proscribed by smart society, I should infallibly have saved him from so shocking an exhibition of his ignorance. As it is, I can only say that of course a highly cultivated Indian gentleman like Mr Bhosh would not dream of presenting himself at any upper-class entertainment—even a Baronet's—in so free and easy a garbage as a smoker's jacket. Were he to be guilty of such want of savoir faire he would inevitably incur some penalty kick or other. Moreover, at these functions the hired musicians are never compelled to remove their shoes and stockings. Another correction I hazard with rather less confidence, as I am unable at this moment to consult any authorised work on ducal head coverings. But I am practically certain that all the duchesses whom I have had the privilege to encounter at fashionable soirées wore coronets surmounted with golden balls, and of an altogether different pattern from the very humdrum concern which Mr Pahtridhji has thought proper to represent on the Duchess of Dickinson's cranium. I fear I must again ask the critic's kind indulgence for an illustrator who has only too obviously never figured as the hailfellow well-met in aristocratic London saloons. H. B. J. AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. II. As I feared, a tolerably keen eye will detect, almost at a glance, that my young native illustrator—though undeniably gifted—has little or no personal acquaintance with the English surroundings he so rashly professes to depict. Very curiously, he has succeeded just where I should have expected him to fail, and vice versâ! For the students are quite correctly represented in their collegiate caps and robes, whereas the police-officer is furnished with far too excessive a superfluity of weapons, nor do policemen in England, to my knowledge, wear plumes in their helmets, or chest-protectors embroidered with the initials E.R. But it is in the presentment of the irate cow that Mr Pahtridhji displays the most inexcusable ignorance. The merest tyro could have informed him that animals of this Brahminical type are very unfamiliar objects in Anglo-Saxon landscapes! H. B. J. AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. III. If a story is to be judged by the style in which it is illustrated then truly will all professional Fox-chasers after beholding this picture jump to the conclusion that the Author has foolishly undertaken to write upon topics concerning which he is the total ignoramus! But if such captious critics will only do me the ordinary justice to refer to the printed text they will find that I am not responsible for such a childish blunder as representing that any English Sportingman would run a fox to the earth mounted upon a camel. Nor am I to blame because Mr Pahtridhji, with characteristic native conceit, has chosen to depict a purely British episode as taking place in scenery of an Oriental character. However, to give the devil his due, my illustrator has drawn other parts of the picture—especially the attitude of Mr Bhosh—with considerable spirit and fidelity to the Author's conceptions. H. B. J. AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. IV. The duelling incident has already been found fault with by certain superficial criticasters, on the alleged ground of its improbability at so modern a period as the present. I will only reply that I am not addicted to describing—even in fiction—manners and customs of which I have had no personal experience, and also drop a hint that some such duel may actually have taken place in London not so many years ago (though, of course, under a rose without the presence of any reporter), and that a native gentleman, who shall be nameless, may possibly have figured as hero on that occasion. I have not many remarks to offer on this illustration, which is sufficiently true to Nature to pass muster. Monkeys are not usually permitted to be present at these encounters, but it is quite credible that the one in the picture was a particular pet of Duchess Dickinson's and therefore the chartered libertine. Only I am strongly of opinion that she would have ordered him off the line of fire, for fear that he might receive his quietus from some stray bullet. Mr Bodgers ought not to have been drawn in a sun-helmet. He wore, of course, the more ceremonious covering of chimney-pot pattern. But poor Mr Pahtridhji could not perhaps be expected to know this! H. B. J. AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. V. Once more I stand agog before the overweaned self-confidence with which Mr Pahtridhji sets out to depict scenes and episodes requiring the most exhaustive familiarity with West End London habits, if the artist is to escape the risum teneatis of a shocking fiasco! There is scarcely any habitué of Hyde Park who could not point the finger of scorn at some howling piece of inaccuracy in this soi-disant representation of Mr Bhosh on his cantankerous gifthorse. The figure of the hero himself is passably correct, though I may hint to Mr P. that no rider in Rotten Row who belongs to the bon ton would wear golden tassels attached to his riding topboots. But how am I to excuse such a Leviathan lapsus linguæ as the figure of the equestrian mounted upon a cow? It is true that Honble Hampden was so upset at having to pay sheep-money that he rode a cow, but not all his social influence could launch so stagnant a quadruped as a successful competitor with the swifter and more spirited horse, and consequently it has long been disused as the beast of pleasure, even by riders of the funkiest temperaments. And, as before, Mr Pahtridhji has represented (only with far far less plausibility) a monkey as occupying a prominent situation on the scene of action. I can only conjecture that he is under the impression that ladies in the social position of Princess Jones take horse exercise accompanied by such Simian favourites! Readers, of course, will not hold the writer responsible for these grotesque absurdities, but the pity of it that an ambitious young Native draughtsman should be employed to make a fool of himself in this public manner! I will not insinuate that Misters Publishers are guided by economical motives. H. B. J. AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. VI I cannot refrain once more from natural annoyance at the excessively careless fashion in which my conceptions are being realised by this Mr Birnadhur Pahtridhji. Surely, if he was ignorant of the costume of so exalted a pundit as the British Astrologer Royal, he could at least have taken the trouble to cram up the uniform in some work of reference at a Public Library! In any case a little reflection would have shown even Mr Pahtridhji that such a dignitary could not be correctly represented in a turban. Most probably on so special an occasion he would have assumed his full-dress extinguisher cap adorned with Zodiacal emblems. Such inaccuracies would perhaps be of mediocre importance if they occurred in the illustrations to a work of ordinary fiction. But in the present case of a novel which depends chiefly on its scathingly realistic exposures of London High Life, it is much to be deplored that some more observant and experienced artist could not have been selected. I would respectfully remind my honble friends the Publishers that many a stately vessel has become a total loss owing to ill-judged parsimony in the tar department! And I humbly recommend them (if not too late) to adopt Spartan measures, by instantaneously throwing Mr Pahtridhji overboard, and handing the job over to the President of the Royal Academy of Arts, who from his tip-top position would be most likely to execute same in a competent manner and to the general satisfaction of the Public. H. B. J. AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. VII. I earnestly implore my benevolent publishers to suppress at all events this illustration—as much for the sake of Mr Birnadhur Pahtridhji (who, if it appears, will be the jesting-stock of every cultivated young Indian with any acquaintance at all with English life) as on my own poor account. I ask anyone endowed with common sense—could there be a more preposterously grotesque misrepresentation than this of such a well-known scene as the annual pilgrimage to the Derby Race? It is true that I wrote "every description of conveyance"—but how was I, being "Davus non Œdipus," to anticipate that Mr Pahtridhji would interpret the phrase as including such nondescript vehicles as a hansom cab propelled by a bullock, and a kind of palkee borne by two members of the flunkey caste? He further displays his colossal ignorance by the introduction of a snake charmer—a character who, even assuming that he ever made his début on a London roadway, would be speedily run in, with all his serpents, for obstructing traffic. Moreover, where is his authority for representing an adjutant bird as an ordinary London fowl? Time and patience fail me to indicate the countless and howling croppers which Mr Pahtridhji has achieved in the space of this single picture. But I say once more: unless it is possible to provide a novel of this calibre with congenial and appropriate drawings by an artist who is acquainted with what is what, it is infinitely preferable to dispense with illustrations altogether than to disfigure such a work with mediocre and puerile pictures! H. B. J. AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. VIII. After having been compelled to pluck so many crows with Mr Pahtridhji, I would gladly (if I could) commend his final attempt without reserve. And I cheerfully allow that he has rather cleverly succeeded in delineating both the modest elation of Mr Bhosh and the paternal benevolence on the judicial physiognomy. But heigho! surgit amari aliquid—and Mr Pahtridhji, of course, was fated to insert the cloven hoof of inaccuracy into some portion of what might otherwise have been a passably correct presentment of a very simple episode! Surely, surely even a native artist might have known that the judge who decides such an open air affair as the Derby race does not assume his wig and gown for the purpose, nor is he, necessarily, even a member of the legal profession! Moreover, if such a judge indulges in tobacco in any form (as to which I express no opinion), then indubitably he would not employ a pipe of a pattern which only an Oriental could puff without experiencing severe internal disturbances. I am confoundedly sorry now that I did not take the precaution of supplying my illustrator with a few photographs of ordinary English characters, as I actually proposed to do, only unfortunately my aforesaid young English friend earnestly assured me that Mr P. would be as right as rain, provided that I left him a free hand. And these are the free-hand drawings which have resulted! All I can say is, that if my Publishers persist in including them in the volume, they must be prepared to take the consequences. Should this novel fail to secure the brilliant ovation which I anticipate for it, don't blame me, Misters! H. B. J. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

1 of 2

2 of 2

Update Required To play the media you will need to either update your browser to a recent version or update your Flash plugin.