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Clouds

Cho. Well, go in peace, for the sake of this your valour. May prosperity attend the man, because, being advanced into the vale of years, he imbues his intellect with modern subjects, and cultivates wisdom! [Turning to the audience.] Spectators, I will freely declare to you the truth, by Bacchus, who nurtured me! So may I conquer, and be accounted skillful, as that, deeming you to be clever spectators, and this to be the cleverest of my comedies, I thought proper to let you first taste that comedy, which gave me the greatest labour. And then I retired from the contest defeated by vulgar fellows, though I did not deserve it. These things, therefore, I object to you, a learned audience, for whose sake I was expending this labour. But not even thus will I ever willingly desert the discerning portion of you. For since what time my Modest Man and my Rake were very highly praised here by an audience, with whom it is a pleasure even to hold converse, and I (for I was still a virgin, and it was not lawful for me as yet to have children) exposed my offspring, and another girl took it up, and owned it, and you generously reared and educated it, from this time I have had sure pledges of your good will toward me. Now, therefore, like that well-known Electra, has this comedy come seeking, if haply it meet with an audience so clever, for it will recognize, if it should see, the lock of its brother. But see how modest she is by nature, who, in the first place, has come, having stitched to her no leathern phallus hanging down, red at the top, and thick, to set the boys a laughing; nor yet jeered the bald-headed, nor danced the cordax; nor does the old man who speaks the verses beat the person near him with his staff, keeping out of sight wretched ribaldry; nor has she rushed in with torches, nor does she shout iou, iou; but has come relying on herself and her verses. And I, although so excellent a poet, do not give myself airs, nor do I seek to deceive you by twice and thrice bringing forward the same pieces; but I am always clever at introducing new fashions, not at all resembling each other, and all of them clever; who struck Cleon in the belly when at the height of his power, and could not bear to attack him afterward when he was down. But these scribblers, when once Hyperbolus has given them a handle, keep ever trampling on this wretched man and his mother. Eupolis, indeed, first of all craftily introduced his Maricas, having basely, base fellow, spoiled by altering my play of the Knights, having added to it, for the sake of the cordax, a drunken old woman, whom Phrynichus long ago poetized, whom the whale was for devouring. Then again Hermippus made verses on Hyperbolus; and now all others press hard upon Hyperbolus, imitating my simile of the eels. Whoever, therefore, laughs at these, let him not take pleasure in my attempts; but if you are delighted with me and my inventions, in times to come you will seem to be wise. I first invoke, to join our choral band, the mighty Jupiter, ruling on high, the monarch of gods; and the potent master of the trident, the fierce upheaver of earth and briny sea; and our father of great renown, most august Aether, life-supporter of all; and the horse-guider, who fills the plain of the earth with exceeding bright beams, a mighty deity among gods and mortals. Most clever spectators, come, give us your attention; for having been injured, we blame you to your faces. For though we benefit the state most of all the gods, to us alone of the deities you do not offer sacrifice nor yet pour libations, who watch over you. For if there should be any expedition without prudence, then we either thunder or drizzle small rain. And then, when you were for choosing as your general the Paphlagonian tanner, hateful to the gods, we contracted our brows and were enraged; and thunder burst through the lightning; and the Moon forsook her usual paths; and the Sun immediately drew in his wick to himself, and declared he would not give you light, if Cleon should be your general. Nevertheless you chose him. For they say that ill counsel is in this city; that the gods, however, turn all these your mismanagements to a prosperous issue. And how this also shall be advantageous, we will easily teach you. If you should convict the cormorant Cleon of bribery and embezzlement, and then make fast his neck in the stocks, the affair will turn out for the state to the ancient form again, if you have mismanaged in any way, and to a prosperous issue. Hear me again, King Phoebus, Delian Apollo, who inhabitest the high-peaked Cynthian rock! And thou, blessed goddess, who inhabitest the all-golden house of Ephesus, in which Lydian damsels greatly reverence thee; and thou, our national goddess, swayer of the aegis, Minerva, guardian of the city! And thou, reveler Bacchus, who, inhabiting the Parnassian rock, sparklest with torches, conspicuous among the Delphic Bacchanals! When we had got ready to set out hither, the Moon met us, and commanded us first to greet the Athenians and their allies; and then declared that she was angry, for that she had suffered dreadful things, though she benefits you all, not in words, but openly. In the first place, not less than a drachma every month for torches; so that also all, when they went out of an evening, were wont to say, "Boy, don't buy a torch, for the moonlight is beautiful." And she says she confers other benefits on you, but that you do not observe the days at all correctly, but confuse them up and down; so that she says the gods are constantly threatening her, when they are defrauded of their dinner, and depart home, not having met with the regular feast according to the number of the days. And then, when you ought to be sacrificing, you are inflicting tortures and litigating. And often, while we gods are observing a fast, when we mourn for Memnon or Sarpedon, you are pouring libations and laughing. For which reason Hyperbolus, having obtained the lot this year to be Hieromnemon, was afterward deprived by us gods of his crown; for thus he will know better that he ought to spend the days of his life according to the Moon. [Enter Socrates] Soc. By Respiration, and Chaos, and Air, I have not seen any man so boorish, nor so impracticable, nor so stupid, nor so forgetful; who, while learning some little petty quibbles, forgets them before he has learned them. Nevertheless I will certainly call him out here to the light. Where is Strepsiades? Come forth with your couch. Strep. (from within). The bugs do not permit me to bring it forth. Soc. Make haste and lay it down; and give me your attention. [Enter Strepsiades] Strep. Very well. Soc. Come now; what do you now wish to learn first of those things in none of which you have ever been instructed? Tell me. About measures, or rhythms, or verses? Strep. I should prefer to learn about measures; for it is but lately I was cheated out of two choenices by a meal-huckster. Soc. I do not ask you this, but which you account the most beautiful measure; the trimetre or the tetrameter? Strep. Make a wager then with me, if the semisextarius be not a tetrameter. Soc. Go to the devil! How boorish you are and dull of learning. Perhaps you may be able to learn about rhythms. Strep. But what good will rhythms do me for a living? Soc. In the first place, to be clever at an entertainment, understanding what rhythm is for the war-dance, and what, again, according to the dactyle. Strep. According to the dactyle? By Jove, but I know it! Soc. Tell me, pray. Strep. What else but this finger? Formerly, indeed, when I was yet a boy, this here! Soc. You are boorish and stupid. Strep. For I do not desire, you wretch, to learn any of these things. Soc. What then? Strep. That, that, the most unjust cause. Soc. But you must learn other things before these; namely, what quadrupeds are properly masculine. Strep. I know the males, if I am not mad-krios, tragos, tauros, kuon, alektryon. Soc. Do you see what you are doing? You are calling both the female and the male alektryon in the same way. Strep. How, pray? Come, tell me. Soc. How? The one with you is alektryon, and the other is alektryon also. Strep. Yea, by Neptune! How now ought I to call them? Soc. The one alektryaina and the other alektor. Strep. Alektryaina? Capital, by the Air! So that, in return for this lesson alone, I will fill your kardopos full of barley-meal on all sides. Soc. See! See! There again is another blunder! You make kardopos, which is feminine, to be masculine. Strep. In what way do I make kardopos masculine? Soc. Most assuredly; just as if you were to say Cleonymos. Strep. Good sir, Cleonymus had no kneading-trough, but kneaded his bread in a round mortar. How ought I to call it henceforth? Soc. How? Call it kardope, as you call Sostrate. Strep. Kardope in the feminine? Soc. For so you speak it rightly. Strep. But that would make it kardope, Kleonyme. Soc. You must learn one thing more about names, what are masculine and what of them are feminine. Strep. I know what are female. Soc. Tell me, pray. Strep. Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria. Soc. What names are masculine? Strep. Thousands; Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias. Soc. But, you wretch! These are not masculine. Strep. Are they not males with you? Soc. By no means; for how would you call Amynias, if you met him? Strep. How would I call? Thus: "Come hither, come hither Amynia!" Soc. Do you see? You call Amynias a woman. Strep. Is it not then with justice, who does not serve in the army? But why should I learn these things, that we all know? Soc. It is no use, by Jupiter! Having reclined yourself down here— Strep. What must I do? Soc. Think out some of your own affairs. Strep. Not here, pray, I beseech you; but, if I must, suffer me to excogitate these very things on the ground. Soc. There is no other way. [Exit Socrates.] Strep. Unfortunate man that I am! What a penalty shall I this day pay to the bugs! Cho. Now meditate and examine closely; and roll yourself about in every way, having wrapped yourself up; and quickly, when you fall into a difficulty, spring to another mental contrivance. But let delightful sleep be absent from your eyes. Strep. Attatai! Attatai! Cho. What ails you? Why are you distressed? Strep. Wretched man, I am perishing! The Corinthians, coming out from the bed, are biting me, and devouring my sides, and drinking up my life-blood, and tearing away my flesh, and digging through my vitals, and will annihilate me. Cho. Do not now be very grievously distressed. Strep. Why, how, when my money is gone, my complexion gone, my life gone, and my slipper gone? And furthermore in addition to these evils, with singing the night-watches, I am almost gone myself. [Re-enter Socrates] Soc. Ho you! What are you about? Are you not meditating? Strep. I? Yea, by Neptune! Soc. And what, pray, have you thought? Strep. Whether any bit of me will be left by the bugs. Soc. You will perish most wretchedly. Strep. But, my good friend, I have already perished. Soc. You must not give in, but must wrap yourself up; for you have to discover a device for abstracting, and a means of cheating. [Walks up and down while Strepsiades wraps himself up in the blankets.] Strep. Ah me! Would, pray, some one would throw over me a swindling contrivance from the sheep-skins. Soc. Come now; I will first see this fellow, what he is about. Ho you! Are you asleep? Strep. No, by Apollo, I am not! Soc. Have you got anything? Strep. No; by Jupiter, certainly not! Soc. Nothing at all? Strep. Nothing, except what I have in my right hand. Soc. Will you not quickly cover yourself up and think of something? Strep. About what? For do you tell me this, O Socrates! Soc. Do you, yourself, first find out and state what you wish. Strep. You have heard a thousand times what I wish. About the interest; so that I may pay no one. Soc. Come then, wrap yourself up, and having given your mind play with subtilty, revolve your affairs by little and little, rightly distinguishing and examining. Strep. Ah me, unhappy man! Soc. Keep quiet; and if you be puzzled in any one of your conceptions, leave it and go; and then set your mind in motion again, and lock it up. Strep. (in great glee). O dearest little Socrates! Soc. What, old man? Strep. I have got a device for cheating them of the interest. Soc. Exhibit it. Strep. Now tell me this, pray; if I were to purchase a Thessalian witch, and draw down the moon by night, and then shut it up, as if it were a mirror, in a round crest-case, and then carefully keep it— Soc. What good, pray, would this do you? Strep. What? If the moon were to rise no longer anywhere, I should not pay the interest. Soc. Why so, pray? Strep. Because the money is lent out by the month. Soc. Capital! But I will again propose to you another clever question. If a suit of five talents should be entered against you, tell me how you would obliterate it. Strep. How? How? I do not know but I must seek. Soc. Do not then always revolve your thoughts about yourself; but slack away your mind into the air, like a cock-chafer tied with a thread by the foot. Strep. I have found a very clever method of getting rid of my suit, so that you yourself would acknowledge it. Soc. Of what description? Strep. Have you ever seen this stone in the chemist's shops, the beautiful and transparent one, from which they kindle fire? Soc. Do you mean the burning-glass? Strep. I do. Come what would you say, pray, if I were to take this, when the clerk was entering the suit, and were to stand at a distance, in the direction of the sun, thus, and melt out the letters of my suit? Soc. Cleverly done, by the Graces! Strep. Oh! How I am delighted, that a suit of five talents has been cancelled! Soc. Come now, quickly seize upon this. Strep. What? Soc. How, when engaged in a lawsuit, you could overturn the suit, when you were about to be cast, because you had no witnesses. Strep. Most readily and easily. Soc. Tell me, pray. Strep. Well now, I'll tell you. If, while one suit was still pending, before mine was called on, I were to run away and hang myself. Soc. You talk nonsense. Strep. By the gods, would I! For no one will bring action against me when I am dead. Soc. You talk nonsense. Begone; I can't teach you any longer. Strep. Why so? Yea, by the gods, O Socrates! Soc. You straightaway forget whatever you learn. For what now was the first thing you were taught? Tell me. Strep. Come, let me see: nay, what was the first? What was the fist? Nay, what was the thing in which we knead our flour? Ah me! What was it? Soc. Will you not pack off to the devil, you most forgetful and most stupid old man? Strep. Ah me, what then, pray will become of me, wretched man? For I shall be utterly undone, if I do not learn to ply the tongue. Come, O ye Clouds, give me some good advice. Cho. We, old man, advise you, if you have a son grown up, to send him to learn in your stead. Strep. Well, I have a fine, handsome son, but he is not willing to learn. What must I do? Cho. But do you permit him? Strep. Yes, for he is robust in body, and in good health, and is come of the high-plumed dames of Coesyra. I will go for him, and if he be not willing, I will certainly drive him from my house. [To Socrates.] Go in and wait for me a short time. [Exit] Cho. Do you perceive that you are soon to obtain the greatest benefits through us alone of the gods? For this man is ready to do everything that you bid him. But you, while the man is astounded and evidently elated, having perceived it, will quickly fleece him to the best of your power. [Exit Socrates] For matters of this sort are somehow accustomed to turn the other way. [Enter Strepsiades and Phidippides] Strep. By Mist, you certainly shall not stay here any longer! But go and gnaw the columns of Megacles. Phid. My good sir, what is the matter with you, O father? You are not in your senses, by Olympian Jupiter! Strep. See, see, "Olympian Jupiter!" What folly! To think of your believing in Jupiter, as old as you are! Phid. Why, pray, did you laugh at this? Strep. Reflecting that you are a child, and have antiquated notions. Yet, however, approach, that you may know more; and I will tell you a thing, by learning which you will be a man. But see that you do not teach this to any one. Phid. Well, what is it? Strep. You swore now by Jupiter. Phid. I did. Strep. Seest thou, then, how good a thing is learning? There is no Jupiter, O Phidippides! Phid. Who then? Strep. Vortex reigns, having expelled Jupiter. Phid. Bah! Why do you talk foolishly? Strep. Be assured that it is so. Phid. Who says this? Strep. Socrates the Melian, and Chaerephon, who knows the footmarks of fleas. Phid. Have you arrived at such a pitch of frenzy that you believe madmen? Strep. Speak words of good omen, and say nothing bad of clever men and wise; of whom, through frugality, none ever shaved or anointed himself, or went to a bath to wash himself; while you squander my property in bathing, as if I were already dead. But go as quickly as possible and learn instead of me. Phid. What good could any one learn from them? Strep. What, really? Whatever wisdom there is among men. And you will know yourself, how ignorant and stupid you are. But wait for me here a short time. [Runs off] Phid. Ah me! What shall I do, my father being crazed? Shall I bring him into court and convict him of lunacy, or shall I give information of his madness to the coffin-makers? [Re-enter Strepsiades with a cock under one arm and a hen under the other] Strep. Come, let me see; what do you consider this to be? Tell me. Phid. Alectryon. Strep. Right. And what this? Phid. Alectryon. Strep. Both the same? You are very ridiculous. Do not do so, then, for the future; but call this alektryaina, and this one alektor. Phid. Alektryaina! Did you learn these clever things by going in just now to the Titans? Strep. And many others too; but whatever I learned on each occasion I used to forget immediately, through length of years. Phid. Is it for this reason, pray, that you have also lost your cloak? Strep. I have not lost it; but have studied it away. Phid. What have you made of your slippers, you foolish man? Strep. I have expended them, like Pericles, for needful purposes. Come, move, let us go. And then if you obey your father, go wrong if you like. I also know that I formerly obeyed you, a lisping child of six years old, and bought you a go-cart at the Diasia, with the first obolus I received from the Heliaea. Phid. You will assuredly some time at length be grieved at this. Strep. It is well done of you that you obeyed. Come hither, come hither O Socrates! Come forth, for I bring to you this son of mine, having persuaded him against his will. [Enter Socrates] Soc. For he is still childish, and not used to the baskets here. Phid. You would yourself be used to them if you were hanged. Strep. A mischief take you! Do you abuse your teacher? Soc. "Were hanged" quoth 'a! How sillily he pronounced it, and with lips wide apart! How can this youth ever learn an acquittal from a trial or a legal summons, or persuasive refutation? And yet Hyperbolus learned this at the cost of a talent. Strep. Never mind; teach him. He is clever by nature. Indeed, from his earliest years, when he was a little fellow only so big, he was wont to form houses and carve ships within-doors, and make little wagons of leather, and make frogs out of pomegranate-rinds, you can't think how cleverly. But see that he learns those two causes; the better, whatever it may be; and the worse, which, by maintaining what is unjust, overturns the better. If not both, at any rate the unjust one by all means. Soc. He shall learn it himself from the two causes in person. [Exit Socrates] Strep. I will take my departure. Remember this now, that he is to be able to reply to all just arguments. [Exit Strepsiades and enter Just Cause and Unjust Cause] Just Cause. Come hither! Show yourself to the spectators, although being audacious. Unjust Cause. Go whither you please; for I shall far rather do for you, if I speak before a crowd. Just. You destroy me? Who are you? Unj. A cause. Just. Ay, the worse. Unj. But I conquer you, who say that you are better than I. Just. By doing what clever trick? Unj. By discovering new contrivances. Just. For these innovations flourish by the favour of these silly persons. Unj. No; but wise persons. Just I will destroy you miserably. Unj. Tell me, by doing what? Just By speaking what is just. Unj. But I will overturn them by contradicting them; for I deny that justice even exists at all. Just Do you deny that it exists? Unj. For come, where is it? Just With the gods. Unj. How, then, if justice exists, has Jupiter not perished, who bound his own father? Just Bah! This profanity now is spreading! Give me a basin. Unj. You are a dotard and absurd. Just You are debauched and shameless. Unj. You have spoken roses of me. Just And a dirty lickspittle. Unj. You crown me with lilies. Just And a parricide. Unj. You don't know that you are sprinkling me with gold. Just Certainly not so formerly, but with lead. Unj. But now this is an ornament to me. Just You are very impudent. Unj. And you are antiquated. Just And through you, no one of our youths is willing to go to school; and you will be found out some time or other by the Athenians, what sort of doctrines you teach the simple-minded. Unj. You are shamefully squalid. Just And you are prosperous. And yet formerly you were a beggar saying that you were the Mysian Telephus, and gnawing the maxims of Pandeletus out of your little wallet. Unj. Oh, the wisdom— Just Oh, the madness— Unj. Which you have mentioned. Just And of your city, which supports you who ruin her youths. Unj. You shan't teach this youth, you old dotard. Just Yes, if he is to be saved, and not merely to practise loquacity. Unj. (to Phidippides) Come hither, and leave him to rave. Just You shall howl, if you lay your hand on him. Cho. Cease from contention and railing. But show to us, you, what you used to teach the men of former times, and you, the new system of education; in order that, having heard you disputing, he may decide and go to the school of one or the other. Just. I am willing to do so. Unj. I also am willing. Cho. Come now, which of the two shall speak first? Unj. I will give him the precedence; and then, from these things which he adduces, I will shoot him dead with new words and thoughts. And at last, if he mutter, he shall be destroyed, being stung in his whole face and his two eyes by my maxims, as if by bees. Cho. Now the two, relying on very dexterous arguments and thoughts, and sententious maxims, will show which of them shall appear superior in argument. For now the whole crisis of wisdom is here laid before them; about which my friends have a very great contest. But do you, who adorned our elders with many virtuous manners, utter the voice in which you rejoice, and declare your nature. Just. I will, therefore, describe the ancient system of education, how it was ordered, when I flourished in the advocacy of justice, and temperance was the fashion. In the first place it was incumbent that no one should hear the voice of a boy uttering a syllable; and next, that those from the same quarter of the town should march in good order through the streets to the school of the harp-master, naked, and in a body, even if it were to snow as thick as meal. Then again, their master would teach them, not sitting cross-legged, to learn by rote a song, either "pallada persepolin deinan" or "teleporon ti boama" raising to a higher pitch the harmony which our fathers transmitted to us. But if any of them were to play the buffoon, or to turn any quavers, like these difficult turns the present artists make after the manner of Phrynis, he used to be thrashed, being beaten with many blows, as banishing the Muses. And it behooved the boys, while sitting in the school of the Gymnastic-master, to cover the thigh, so that they might exhibit nothing indecent to those outside; then again, after rising from the ground, to sweep the sand together, and to take care not to leave an impression of the person for their lovers. And no boy used in those days to anoint himself below the navel; so that their bodies wore the appearance of blooming health. Nor used he to go to his lover, having made up his voice in an effeminate tone, prostituting himself with his eyes. Nor used it to be allowed when one was dining to take the head of the radish, or to snatch from their seniors dill or parsley, or to eat fish, or to giggle, or to keep the legs crossed. Unj. Aye, antiquated and dipolia-like and full of grasshoppers, and of Cecydes, and of the Buphonian festival! Just Yet certainly these are those principles by which my system of education nurtured the men who fought at Marathon. But you teach the men of the present day, so that I am choked, when at the Panathenaia a fellow, holding his shield before his person, neglects Tritogenia, when they ought to dance. Wherefore, O youth, choose with confidence, me, the better cause, and you will learn to hate the Agora, and to refrain from baths, and to be ashamed of what is disgraceful, and to be enraged if any one jeer you, and to rise up from seats before your seniors when they approach, and not to behave ill toward your parents, and to do nothing else that is base, because you are to form in your mind an image of Modesty: and not to dart into the house of a dancing-woman, lest, while gaping after these things, being struck with an apple by a wanton, you should be damaged in your reputation: and not to contradict your father in anything; nor by calling him Iapetus, to reproach him with the ills of age, by which you were reared in your infancy. Unj. If you shall believe him in this, O youth, by Bacchus, you will be like the sons of Hippocrates, and they will call you a booby. Just. Yet certainly shall you spend your time in the gymnastic schools, sleek and blooming; not chattering in the market-place rude jests, like the youths of the present day; nor dragged into court for a petty suit, greedy, pettifogging, knavish; but you shall descend to the Academy and run races beneath the sacred olives along with some modest compeer, crowned with white reeds, redolent of yew, and careless ease, of leaf-shedding white poplar, rejoicing in the season of spring, when the plane-tree whispers to the elm. If you do these things which I say, and apply your mind to these, you will ever have a stout chest, a clear complexion, broad shoulders, a little tongue, large hips, little lewdness. But if you practise what the youths of the present day do, you will have in the first place, a pallid complexion, small shoulders, a narrow chest, a large tongue, little hips, great lewdness, a long psephism; and this deceiver will persuade you to consider everything that is base to be honourable, and what is honourable to be base; and in addition to this, he will fill you with the lewdness of Antimachus. Cho. O thou that practisest most renowned high-towering wisdom! How sweetly does a modest grace attend your words! Happy, therefore, were they who lived in those days, in the times of former men! In reply, then, to these, O thou that hast a dainty-seeming Muse, it behooveth thee to say something new; since the man has gained renown. And it appears you have need of powerful arguments against him, if you are to conquer the man and not incur laughter. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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